28

As of this morning 

I have lost two stone in weight

28 pounds

I looked back over my notebooks 

Where I carefully recorded each weight 

I started losing weight in November

And have steadily lost since then

I'm not sharing this with you to brag

To boast 

Equally 

I'm not sharing it with you to concern you

Or worry you

It's not something I'm proud of

I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 

I can't go on like this

Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 

I have much to look forward to now

My horse therapy

My job 

My ED is gone in to panic mode

As it knows I am fighting back 

But just because I have things to look forward to 

Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen

The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 

But 

I'm not going down without a fight 

It's time to close ranks 

Use my supports 

Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required

And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?

It's not quite a physical fight

It's behavioural 

Its psychological 

It's emotional

It means eating three meals a day 

At the table

With my family 

It means no purging 

Which is the big one

I haven't gone a day without purging in years 

It has become just another habit in my life

I wake up 

Brush my teeth 

Eat something 

Purge 

It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 

I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day

And wasn't going anywhere

But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED

She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 

That I can recover 

Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 

Two amazingly strong women

Who both believe in me 

It was powerful 

I couldn't have two better women on my side 

I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

Finally 

It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 

The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 

It's thrilling 

It's terrifying 

It's venturing in to the unknown

I can't lie 

I am petrified 

But I am ready 

I am so ready 

For the next phase of my life 

For recovery 

From both my ED and my addiction

I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me

Screw the anxiety 

Screw the fear

This is about my getting well 

That's my priority right now

I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it

I'm now 18 months smoke free

And let me tell you

I was a dedicated smoker 

I joke with my sister that when I start earning money

I'm going to take it up again

But I know I won't 

Going back isn't an option 

I find that once I get my head around something 

Then I can do it 

Like with smoking 

Mentally giving up was half the battle

I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging

I just need to establish a new habit

A new pattern 

A new way of doing things 

I guess at first 

Distraction will be the name of the game

After eating 

I need to distract, distract, distract!

Get out of the house

Walk the dogs 

Go for a drive

And stay away from bathrooms

I know it will be tough

At first it will be uncomfortable

As my body gets used to keeping food down 

It will be a strange sensation

Actually letting my food digest

But it's something that has to be done

If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job

I need to be healthy

I need to feed my body 

When I'm busy

I know I find it hard to eat

Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed

And to keep on top of my health

And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes

There is much to look forward to 

And much work to do 

I have about three months before I start work to get on track

And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence

As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 

But 

I'm ready 

Come on life

Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November

And the following one this morning