Mum meets Mary....

Ever since I found out that I have a job

I've been feeling very strange

It's not a feeling I can easily explain

And can't even put a word on it

When I got the news 

I was home alone 

I had no one to talk to

So I had to try and process the information myself 

Without bouncing it off someone else

The only way I can describe this feeling

Was like it was all too good to be true 

Like I was waiting for the catch

I'm not entirely used to things going my way

So this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the job

I almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the job

So I wouldn't have to try

And have the possibility of failure

I doubt myself so much

And yesterday 

I questioned my ability to do a job well

I questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring me

In fairness 

They must think I can do the job since the did give me the position

And my mum and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work 

But I feel

Well

I don't know 

I know I'm not explaining myself very well here

I am just trying to make sense of this situation

I know I should probably be celebrating

But I can't seem to shake this funny feeling 

And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it

I woke up this morning 

Another pound lost

My BMI now 17

I felt nothing 

Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life away

And for what?

I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit 

And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about me

She said that I am out of control 

That evenings are my worst time

She is not wrong 

In the evening I could purge up to six times

It has to stop

I saw Mary this afternoon

My Mum and I went in to the village early 

And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods 

Then headed down to the health centre 

Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her book

I made my way up to Mary's office

And took a seat 

I mentioned that Mum was with me

And Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the session

I agreed 

And ran down and told Mum

Who would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat 

I told Mary about the job

And she was delighted for me

She also told me that she had some information on the horse centre I was planning on going to

Mary had spoken to the girls there

And it's actually horse therapy

That is about an hour from my house

So I took their number

Excited at the prospect of starting

I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary 

She said it sounded like anxiety

But in a different form than I am used to 

And I guess that makes sense

I am anxious to join the working world

I'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staff

Mary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy 

And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazing

Because we are afraid 

At least I have recognised it though 

And can work on it 

Mary then weighed me

I lost 1.5kg from last week 

Mary then asked me to call my Mum up

Which I did 

They exchanged pleasantries 

They have met before 

Many times 

The session was tough 

But it was necessary 

We decided that as a family 

We would make a meal plan 

Sit at the table for all meals together

Mary also stressed the importance of my support groups 

So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary again

That is going to be a challenge 

But one I really want to do 

We finished up 

And Mum and I headed home 

Over cups of tea at home

My sister and I did put a meal plan for the week 

So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow 

The hard thing is going to be not purging 

But I have to do it 

I just have to grit my teeth

Sit with the feeling

And just do it 

Hopefully eating enough during the day 

Will help ease the bingeing in the evening 

In fact I know it will

Mary said something surprising to me yesterday 

She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now 

Then that would be fine 

I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos 

But maybe she means just for now

I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home 

I got through to a girl called A 

I told her who I was 

And how I had come across her number

She asked me a bit about myself 

I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon 

But it just sort of came out

She explained what they do at the centre

It usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson 

But this only costs €15

So happy days!

We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pm

You guys?

I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!

And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start work

Things are finally falling in to place for me

And I can't wait to see what the future holds 

Horse therapy 

A job I love 

These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest days

And now they are happening!

They are actually happening!

I feel excitement bubbling inside me

I've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit in

Somewhere where I belong 

This could be it 

This could be what I'm looking for 

I thought I had found it in drugs and ED

But that never worked out

Now I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned 

I can't afford to lose any more weight 

And the threat of pancreatitis is always there 

If I want to be healthy and strong and able

I need to feed and nourish my body 

I need to allow myself good food

And enough good food 

I need to allow myself to keep it down 

And not feel guilty for it

In short

There is much to look forward to

Life starts now

Hang on to your hats people

It's going to be a crazy ride....