Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning

And I am sat

Crosslegged

On my living room floor

With a hot cup of tea

And the TV on in the background

I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting

And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 

It was quite strange really

But in the last couple of days 

I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 

Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting

But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 

The meeting was about half an hour away

So I asked my Mum to come 

As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 

And ended up somewhere completely different 

So what has kept me away from the meetings?

Anxiety mainly 

And fear that people don't like me 

But yesterday 

Well

I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 

I'm not quite sure why 

But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20

I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 

That I couldn't even talk 

I just kept thinking 

It'll be over before i know it

We arrived at the building 

There were only two cars in the car park

I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 

I could see movement 

People I didn't recognise 

I took a deep breath

Opened the car door

And headed for the entrance 

Walking in

My body felt weak and heavy with nerves

Walking up the stairs 

I could barely lift my feet

I felt like I was going to hit the deck

But I kept going 

I came to a closed door 

I could hear voices beyond 

I silently reached for the handle 

And pushed in

I scanned the room quickly

Three guys 

I didn't recognise any of them 

The meeting had started 

So I took the nearest seat 

And took deep breathes to calm down 

Just then the door opened 

And a girl walked in

She smiled at me as she came in

I smiled back

And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 

But at the start 

The literature is read out 

Which takes about 15 minutes 

Then the meeting is opened 

And people can share 

Although there is no pressure 

You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to

I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 

Just to get myself in the door 

But being there 

And feeling the magic of the programme 

I decided to say a few words

I didn't say anything too personal

Just a bit about myself 

And my story 

I finished up 

And the final literature was read out 

We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 

And that was it

It was over 

I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards

She gave me her number 

Which I thought was really nice of her 

All in all

It was a good experience 

And I'm glad I went 

But I know the real test for me 

Is going when I don't want to go

When I think I don't need to go 

When it's raining outside 

And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 

Usually 

People in recovery count their clean time 

I never have 

Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 

But I can see the benefit of it

From counting my smoke free time

So I've decided to start today 

St. Valentine's Day 

Day number one 

As always 

Thank you for your continued support 

It means more than you know