Sunday/Monday

Yesterday was tough

I woke up in the morning 

Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting 

But I wasn't feeling physically great

I know I am struggling these days 

Because walking my dogs is a struggle 

Usually I am out with them first thing in the morning

But at the moment it's not something I look forward to 

It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here 

Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walk

Honey can take it or leave it

But I do try my best to bring them every day

If not my sister will bring them

Yesterday was a bright but cold day

So we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away 

We all bundled in to the car

And headed off 

This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuits

We parked in the car park

And made our way down the steep incline to the shore

This incline is all loose stones 

And can be quite treacherous 

But we made it down 

And started walking across the beach 

Lea especially loved the beach

She runs around like a lunatic 

Jumping and rolling in the sand

Running so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotates

To be honest 

I wasn't really enjoying the walk

But I walked as far as I could

And then turned back

We arrived at the incline again 

But I was starting to feel weak

My sister went on ahead 

And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzy

I felt massive pressure on my head

My vision blurred

I was sure I was going to pass out

I looked for somewhere to sit down 

And found a large rock nearby

I tried to take deep breathes 

But I was only about one third of the way up the hill

I thought I would never make it back to the car 

Heaving myself off the rock

I tried to continue on 

But again

Dizziness and weakness overcame me

And I sat down again 

By now 

My sister had realised that something was wrong 

And walked back down to meet me 

I linked her and tried to walk again

But soon had to sit down again

And put my head between my knees 

I really thought I was going to hit the de k

I felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attack

Except I had no pain this time 

My sister helped me to the car

And finally made it there 

I collapsed in to the seat 

So relieved to be back and able to sit down 

We arrived home 

And my sister made me eggs and toast

I then retired to the couch to rest

I felt terrible 

And looked even worse

I slept for a good while 

When I woke up 

I felt a lot better 

But this is a warning sign 

That my body is hurting 

I am hurting it 

This bout of weight loss is really taking its toll

It seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area

Monday morning 

And doctor day for me 

We left a bit earlier this morning 

As the roads were frosty 

I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment 

I had just sat down 

When my doctor called my name 

As I followed him in

He said he had a student in with him today 

And was that ok

He regularly has students in observing 

And I have no problem with that 

I took a seat in his room 

The student greeted me

I said hello back 

My doctor and I chit chatted for a while 

I told him about the job

He said that he didn't want to say it last week

But he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience 

He was delighted that I got the other job though

I also told him about the horse therapy

We were all done and dusted quickly

I collected my script

And said thanks and goodbye 

Another Monday over 

Another week begun 

Now that my real life is beginning to come together

There are some things that I need to address 

My weight is a pressing problem

As in the last week it has plummeted 

I feel it 

I feel underweight

I don't feel well

I don't feel healthy

My body is crying out for nourishment t 

And I'm not giving it

Also 

I've been thinking about this blog 

And how open I am 

A lot of people read every day 

And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life 

I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more 

Maybe not be quite so open and frank 

I just worry about employers finding it 

Don't get me wrong 

I have nothing to hide 

But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position 

Where the whole world knows my business 

I don't kid myself 

I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there 

But I almost feel a duty to share my story 

In the hope that it will help others as well as myself 

Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger 

There are also benefits to writing anonymously 

But as you know 

I am an all or nothing person

So I share either everything or nothing 

As my blog has grown 

I guess I have been more wary of what I write here

And I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much 

I also think about the negatives to blogging

The hate 

The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrong

I ask myself the question

Is it worth it?

Is it worth the hassle?

The cruel comments 

Being judged

Being attacked 

Do the negatives out weigh the positives?

I ask myself this question regularly 

And most of the time

I come to the conclusion that it is worth it 

I do think it's unfair to judge though 

If there is one thing I don't do

Is judge people

I have learned over the years 

That people are the way they are for a reason

Who am I to judge? 

I am no better or no worse than anyone else

Judging others is dangerous ground

No one is perfect 

No one is infallible 

We all do silly things 

Make stupid mistakes 

That's the nature of us humans 

The trick is to learn from it 

And not repeat it 

Look

I am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt 

I try every day to be a good person

I try not to hurt myself or others 

I try to be the best person I can possibly be 

But of course I mess up from time to time 

It's human nature 

The important thing is to keep going 

Keep fighting 

Keep hoping 

And believing 

We have to forgive ours and others mistakes 

Or else what is the point?

I have a lot to look forward to now 

So much to live for 

I need to get back on track

Need to be as well as I can be

So I can start my job

So I can begin horse therapy 

So I stay healthy both physically and mentally 

At the age of 34 

My life is just beginning 

Just starting to happen

I know that I have a real shot now 

At being happy 

Content

And most importantly 

Having peace of mind 

That is my goal 

Just to have a quiet mind 

I can get there 

I truly believe I can and you can too