Monday

Busy morning this morning

Doctor as usual first thing

On my way in 

I pass The Plumbers house 

In fact I pass his house at least twice a day

This morning he was just pulling out as I passed 

And was then directly behind me

I fought the urge to give him the finger 

And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror 

Thankfully 

He turned off at the next road

I think he has a new girlfriend though 

Because often when I pass 

There is a sporty little number parked outside his house 

My sister says it looks like a hairdressers car

How she works that out I'm not sure 

I'm not stalking them or anything 

I just happen to be an observant person...ahem

Anyway 

Enough about them 

Good luck to them 

They make a good team

She can cut his hair

And he can service her pipes

A match made inheaven

It was short and sweet today at the doctors

Just the way I like it 

I told him briefly about the horses

He told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterday

I was out by 9 10am

And in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15am

It's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now 

Every Monday morning at the same time 

Same place

Same routine 

My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my ED

It's because I am on a methadone programme

They can't prescribe more than a week at a time 

As it is a controlled drug

And by rights 

I should be drug tested every week 

But my doctor rarely does this 

In a way 

It's good thing to have this appointment every week

It keeps me on the straight and narrow

It keeps me accountable 

And God knows I need that 

After collecting my script

I headed back to the surgery

I nipped in to the bathroom 

To take my meds 

Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room 

As I had an appointment with her at 9 30am

A couple of minutes later 

Breda arrived 

And I followed her in to her room

I haven't seen her in a good few weeks

So filled her in in all that has been happening 

The job 

The meetings 

The horse riding 

She said things seemed to be steady at the moment 

The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging 

And my physical health 

Which is still not great 

Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink 

Like Ensure

Just to help build up my reserves 

I said I would think about it

But I'm not all that keen 

I would rather eat my calories 

But

If I have to I will 

I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in December

I still get really tired easily

Weak

Dizzy

Every day activities are a struggle 

Even walking my dogs takes massive effort 

And that is not like me

Because I am more active now

I'm aware that I need more sustenance 

More energy

More fuel in the tank 

Purging is still a problem

And I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colour

So 

A lot of work done 

But still more to do

I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned 

I haven't lost anything recently 

And my BMI hovers around 17

Not too low

But still not healthy either

The thing is to try and not lose any more ground 

Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundation

She compared it to a building 

A building won't stand 

Unless it has a solid base

In order to stay standing 

It needs a strong foundation

And once the foundation is stabilised 

You can add in more structures as you need them 

I like this analogy 

As all too often 

I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundation

And of course it all falls down in that case

But I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape 

My foundation is solid 

And my life is coming together 

Now I just need to maintain things 

Which is always the hard part for me 

Breda asked me about using 

And if I get cravings 

I can't lie 

I do get the odd craving 

Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using 

I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends 

We staying in a flat in the north inner city 

I actually have good memories of that time 

I was using 

But I was not yet addicted 

I was just starting to take heroin

And I felt like my mind was opening 

I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flat

Of course 

This was the honey moon stage of my addiction

The part where everything seems great 

And you get lured in 

It doesn't last long 

Once you become physically addicted 

You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life 

And the nightmare begins 

I still get cravings 

I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good idea

But I'm able to ride it out 

I know it will pass 

If I just hold on

I do have a lot of drug dreams 

They are anxiety dreams 

Where I'm trying to find drugs 

But I can't get to them 

They are always the same 

Same situation

Same people 

And usually in the dream I start smoking again too

It's always a relief to wake up

Breda also asked me about things at home 

And how I was getting on there 

My home life is good at the moment 

It's me 

My Mam

And my sister 

I love living here 

Love living with my family 

And of course Honey and Lea 

I am in no rush to move out 

I know I would be lonely if I was on my own 

It would be good to have my own space 

But I would rather live with someone 

Than be on my own

I mean 

I have every independence here 

I can do my own thing 

I can live my own life 

But I still have the support of my family 

God knows I need that 

Plus 

Financially speaking 

It would not make much sense to maintain another house 

I am very lucky to be in my situation

I'm lucky to have the support I have 

But still have my independence 

So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon 

Also 

I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs 

They are so settled here 

I'd hate to upset them 

I can just imagine if I had my own place 

I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county 

So yes

I'll be staying out for now 

I finished up with Breda 

And headed back to the car to meet Mum

We did some shopping 

Before going back home 

These days 

I am most definitely a morning person 

Up until I began to recover 

I was a real night owl

I loved the night 

Loved that all the fun happened then 

That all the mischief and naughtiness happened then

During my addiction 

There was a long period of time 

When I slept all day 

And got up in the evening 

And went to bed in the morning 

I didn't see day light for months 

But now 

Things have changed markedly 

I love to rise early 

Walk the dogs 

Go shopping 

And other bits and bobs that I need to do 

Some days 

I have everything done by 11am

I hate sleeping in 

And I get really annoyed with myself if I do 

This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night 

So I get up early to tire myself out 

So I will definitely sleep that night 

My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction 

During my using 

I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleep

And was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs 

Those nights were endless 

So lonely 

So painful 

I am loathe if that will ever happen again

And everything seems worse at night 

There were some nights that I thought would never end 

And I would cry with relief when morning broke 

Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night 

I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts 

Thankfully 

I have put those days behind me now

And i am eternally grateful for that 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Are you a night person?

Or a morning person?

Why do you think you are this way?

What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?

Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? 

Inquiring minds want to know.....