Not giving in....

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil this morning

We were introduced to 15 year old Isabella and her mother 

Isabella had bulimia 

And also OCD

She blamed her illness in the fact that her mother mocked her for being slightly over weight 

And not exercising 

Isabella confessed to bingeing and purging multiple times a day 

She stole food

Used laxatives 

And was generally very low and depressed

The thing that bothered her most of all though 

Was the fact that she wasn't underweight

She was a healthy 120 pounds 

And she felt that people didn't think she was that bad 

Because she looked ok

She seemed healthy 

People presumed that because she wasn't severely underweight 

Then it couldn't be that serious 

Isabella was in a lot of distress

She spoke through sobs of tears

And felt bitter anger towards her mother

Incidentally 

Her mother also suffered from anorexia/bulimia when she was 15

You would think she would be more sympathetic 

But she just wasn't 

I can totally understand Isabella's pain 

It is a huge myth that every one who has an ED is underweight 

In fact most people suffering with an ED are of a perfectly healthy weight 

This can be confusing 

As we are all used to the images of anorexia 

Emaciated bodies 

With protruding bones 

And sunken cheeks 

The extreme pictures of desperately underweight people 

But in reality 

Those with an ED are more often than not 

In the healthy range 

Weight wise 

I know myself 

I've been every weight from 77 pounds to  130 pounds 

My weight rarely stands still 

It's constantly fluctuating 

Up and down 

But I was equally sick at all weights 

I remnember when I was in treatment 

People seemed to think that it was ok to pass remarks about your weight 

And of course the classic: You don't look like you have an ED

I finally found a good answer to that statement 

You don't look like you are depressed/anxious/suicidal 

It's the only way to deal with such comments 

I really felt for Isabella

She said she felt disgusting at the weight she is now 

Even though she was beautiful and articulate 

She felt like a big fat failure

I know this feeling 

When I was at my highest weight 

I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin

So disconnected from my body 

It didn't portray the way I felt on the inside 

To the world I was of a healthy weight

My eyes were bright 

My hair shiny

My skin with a healthy glow 

But on the inside 

I was dying

My outside did not match my inside 

I felt  so confused 

As it is Eating Disorders Awareness Week

I think it's important to address these issues 

And talk about them openly

In a lot of circles 

Bulimia is a dirty word

Anorexia gets a level of respect 

It is almost seen as tragically beautiful and romantic 

It is shocking to see an extremely underweight person 

And I think the overall feeling towards sufferers 

Is one of sympathy and pity

Bulimia on the other hand 

Is anorexias less popular cousin 

She conjours up images of greediness 

And vomit 

I mean who wants to admit that they spend a significant amount of time with their head in the toilet bowl 

Anorexia sufferers are seen an delicate, fragile 

Almost angelic 

Bulimia sufferers are seen as greedy and disgusting

And they never achieve the one thing they crave the most 

Thinness 

And that contributes to make one very miserable person

Three years ago 

I made a speech at an eating disorder conference in my towns

Mary asked me on the Tuesday

The conference was on the Thursday

Coincidentally 

I had written out my story the previous week

I wrote it thinking that no one would ever read it

It was honest and raw

I remember showing it to my Dad

And he said to read it out 

That is was perfect 

So 

That day 

I read out my story out in front of a ballroom full of professionals, sufferers and families 

I was beyond nervous 

My mother also spoke at this conference 

And we both got great feedback 

I remember Mary giving me a big hug 

And telling me she was proud of me

It was an amazing thing to do 

And something that makes me feel proud when I think about it 

I almost felt like it was my duty and responsibility to speak for our community 

And I really wanted to do you justice 

I wanted to tell my story 

Your story 

Our story 

EDs are such secretive illness

And I felt compelled to break the silence 

And tell people what our lives are really like 

I hope I did you proud 

This EDAW

I am trying to get back on track 

After a bumpy few months

This year I clocked up 15 years in the grip of this illness

But also a year in recovery 

I am doing my level best to get and stay healthy 

I am looking for other more healthy ways to maintain my peace of mind 

A healthy mind 

And a healthy body 

It's not easy 

But then anything ever worth having isn't 

I'm not giving up 

I have too much to lose 

Too much to look forward to 

For the first time in a long time 

I feel hopeful 

I feel there is a life for me beyond my ED and addiction

I'm not giving in 

Not yet

Not ever