Thin

I was going through one of my notebooks over the weekend

And I stumbled upon a page titled 'Weight loss Challenge'

It was dated last summer

About two weeks before my mothers retirement do

I had carefully printed my weight

And the amount of weight I wanted to lose

I vaguely remembered writing this 

My whole family were going to be at this do

And I really wanted to look my best 

I had an orange and cream dress picked out

And it just about zipped up

My BMI was about 22

I wasn't unhappy

But I felt I should lose weight

I'm not even sure why 

My weight loss never happened though

And I went to mums do the the exact same weight 

Now there are photos all over our house of that night 

And funnily enough

People always say that I look really well in those photos 

I look bright 

Healthy 

Alive 

Now?

Well not so much 

My BMI has gone down almost five points 

I'm pale 

Wan

Sick looking 

 I any happier now that I have lost weight?

I can categorically answer no to that question 

I was speaking with my mother and sister over dinner a few days ago

My sister wanted to why and when this latest relapse had begun

My memory is not great at the best of times 

Fortunately my mother has the memory of an elephant 

And she could remember back to last November

When I spoke about wanting to lose weight

Remember the navy trousers?

They seemed to be the trigger

But really

I think it started sooner than that 

I think as far back as my holiday in September 

Things were changing

My mood was slowly but surely heading south 

I got back in to a pattern of purging while on holidays 

Therefore probably wasn't getting the benefit of my medication

Which led again to low mood

And that cycle continued

The navy trousers were just another symptom of a greater problem 

So here I am 

26 pounds lighter

And not one iota happier

All I feel is a hole in my soul

My clothes don't fit 

My face tells the story of every pound I've lost and gained 

I feel tired 

So very tired

Tired of playing this game 

This illness

The never ending cycle of 

Get well

Relapse 

Get well

Relapse

I swear 

More than anything else 

I am God damned bored of this illness

I want more 

I want to live my life 

To me

This illness has put my life on hold 

I had been doing well 

I had begun to take control of my own life 

I know I can get back there again 

I really believe that I can

I've battled constantly for years 

To get to the point where most people start off

But that's ok 

I don't wish my life were different

It's made me strong 

It's made my family strong

In a strange way

It has brought us closer than we've ever been

But of course 

It would be preferable not to have so much to deal with 

But I'm doing ok

We are doing ok 

So

Where to from here? 

As always 

It's baby steps 

Work with Mary

Work on the purging 

Eat little and often

Get out of the house more

Allow myself to gain a little weight

And I know along with that Will come feeling better 

I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those around me 

To witness my attempts to loll myself 

Because that's what an ED is

A slow suicide 

Don't kid yourself that it's anything less than that 

My sister regularly comments on my thin body at the moment 

My old anorectic self would love this

Not anymore 

I can see the worry in her eyes

And she has enough to deal with

Without having to worry about me

I know that my family feel helpless 

There is really nothing they can do to help me

Yes they are there 

And that is a huge support

But they can't force feed me

They can't stop me from purging 

I am a grown woman 

These are choices that I make 

And there is nothing anyone can do to help me 

You would think that I would have learned over time 

That thin does not equal happiness

But I keep falling for that line 

Hook, line and sinker 

I know I look better when I have at least another 15 pounds on me

I am only beginning to look better then

In recent years 

I have been 28-35 pounds heavier

And felt a lot better for it 

At the moment 

I feel like the wAlking dead

And I've been a lot thinner than this at times 

I can't imagine how ill I must have been then

Anyway

In other news 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He reduced my methadone by 2mls

Down to 26mls

I couldn't think of a reason to argue with him

So I went along with it 

I told him about the job interview last week 

He told me about another patient he saw recently 

Who also went for the job

She was already a home help

Working in the community with the elderly 

So she would have a lot of experience 

I guess that's what I'm up against 

Others who have a vast knowledge of the job

I am starting to think that I have not a chance to get the job

But I do have a plan B

So all is not lost 

I have since found out about two other stables bear enough to my area

Where they take people with mental health issues 

To work along side the horses in a therapeutic environment

So I am excited about that 

I really think I would get so much benefit from that kind of work

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Really it's my ideal job

And getting the value of therapy from it would be an added bonus

So 

Lots to think about 

Lots to get excited about 

If nothing else the interview was good experience 

And I can always ask for feed back to see what areas I can improve on

I guess my health is a priority at the moment 

Physical and mental 

I trust that something for me won't pass me by 

I just need to keep my eyes and ears open 

Be positive 

Open minded 

And willing to learn 

I've come so far 

I'm not going to give up yet

Not by a long shot.....