Thursday

So near

And yet so far

I had almost reached a full week purge free

Alas 

After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening 

I broke my streak 

It was actually two bowls of pasta

I made spaghetti bolognase for dinner

I gave myself a modest portion

And half way through 

I decided that I'd had enough 

And put it in the fridge

Later on

About two hours later

I decided I would have the rest of the pasta

I can't say I was hungry exactly

At least not physically hungry

Maybe emotionally hungry

The second I had it eaten 

I knew I was in trouble 

But instead of asking my family for help

Or trying to distract myself 

I headed to the bathroom

And did the dirty deed 

The relief felt good

But it was fleeting 

Immediately I felt guilty

Annoyed 

Frustrated 

I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging 

But it wasn't to be 

But 

Today is a new day. 

And a chance to get back on track 

I started off my day walking Lea

Honey elects to stay at home sometimes

We had a lovely walk

Then it was time for me to go and see Mary

Today I was seeing her in a town further afield 

In the new primary care centre

I get anxious going to new places

But 

I found it ok

And got parked nearby

I headed up to the second floor 

Where Mary told me her room was 

I settled in to a seat in the room

And Mary asked me how the past week has been 

I told her about all the good things 

The horses 

Helping out at the Easter camps

Meetings 

And of course starting to get a handle on the purging 

She seemed genuinely delighted for me

And to be making progress at long last is exciting 

We chatted for a while

Until she asked me if I had been weighing

I was honest 

And said I had a couple of times 

But the thing is

My mum and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading 

And weighing too high

According to my calculations

I have gained ten pounds in little more than a week

Anyway 

So Mary weighed me on her scales 

And it said I had gained two kilos 

So my own scale is wrong 

I was delighted to only have put on two kilos 

As I was convinced that I had gained more 

And anyway 

I could do with a couple of kilos 

So it's all good 

So 

Today is day 1 again

I can learn from my mistakes yesterday

And use that going forward

I am excited to be purge free

I know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour 

I've been purbing every single day since I was 19

Even in treatment I couldn't stop

Couldn't even get one day

It was just another part of my day

Eat 

Purge

Eat 

Purge

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom 

For the longest time

I didn't believe that I could stop

I was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life forever

But now 

Now I believe that I can stop

That it is possible to have a life post ED

I have given up harder things in the past 

So why not purging too?

And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging 

Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating 

I had more energy 

Wasn't so pale and wan looking 

My hair and nails and skin improved 

And I generally felt better about myself 

So 

Today is a fresh start

I know to avoid very filling foods at the moment

Such as pasta

Rice 

Potatoes 

For now 

Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them again

And eat a varied diet 

It's such a relief though

Not to be piling on the weight

Purging kept my weight low  

And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating 

And working the way it should 

Two kilos is not much 

And that's clothes 

Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or so

I am happy to maintain my weight at this 

A BMI of just over 18

I can live with that 

In fact I can live with anything up to 20

But 

As ever 

It's not the number that is important 

Or how I look 

What I weigh

The important thing is to be healthy and happy 

And I feel something approaching these two things 

And that my friends

Is a minor freakin' miracle

I really wanted to share this with you today

Because I want you to know that recovery is possible 

That there is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is recovery there for you and me

It's right in front of us 

We just need to reach out and grab

There is the danger of falling 

But that's ok

We can get up 

Dust ourselves off 

And continue on

Fall down seven times 

Get back up eight 

I am a firm believer in that 

So today 

Please 

Know that there is hope 

There is a life for you 

A life that is ED free 

Addiction free 

Self harm free

Believe me when I say that together we can beat our demons 

Together we can build a better life

We can recover 

We can reach our hopes and dreams 

It is possible 

I promise you that 

So today 

I urge you to step outside your comfort zone 

Push the boundaries 

Take a risk 

A risk in life 

You won't regret it

You won't be sorry 

We will get there 

I just know we will

Are you with me???