Day off

I only realised last night 

That Sunday's are not included in the A-Z challenge

I did C yesterday 

So I will take today off

And just do a regular post

I'm just out of the doctors 

And sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my meds

Today's topics included 

Horse riding 

Michaela MC Collumb, the Irish girl caught smuggling drugs back in 2013 who has just been released from prison in Peru

More of which later 

And methadone 

For the last few weeks 

My doctor has been talking about reducing it 

And every week I've come up with a different excuse not to

But today 

I was all out of excuses 

And so it was reduced from 26mls - 24mls 

Not a lot I know 

But as the amount gets smaller and smaller 

I worry 

Not that I ever notice the drop

It's more psychological than anything 

I am now almost at the point I was two years ago 

Back in 2014 

I was down to 22mls

And I panicked

So asked my doctor to increase it

He increased it to 34mls

And it's only now 

Two years later 

That I am almost back down to 24 mls 

As you know 

I have been on methadone for 11 years now

Every morning for the last decade 

I have taken it first thing every morning

Every Monday I have seen my doctor 

It has become part and parcel of my life

Just another part of my daily routine 

I can't lie 

I am nervous and anxious and afraid to think about life without methadone

Even though that is a long way off

It still scares me 

I would much rather come off my tablets first 

But I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing 

I guess I need to learn 

That I can handle life without relying on a substance 

Because up until  now 

I have always believed that

That I am not strong enough to handle life on life's terms

I guess I need to see for myself that I can manage without a drug or a drink

I saw Breda this morning also 

I was very close to cancelling 

As I didn't really feel like going 

But I know when I start thinking like that 

I am in dodgy territory 

So I went 

I told her what's been happening recently

About the course I have put my name down for 

Which is the local women's centre

It's communications and IT

And it runs two afternoons a week for a year 

It sounds like a great course 

And the women's centre is a lovely place

So the next thing on my agenda 

Is to find out about the job

And if it's still happening 

I am on a disability payment 

And can only work a certain amount of hours each week

So I need to find out about that 

Hopefully I will be able to do everything 

But if I have to stop something

I'm afraid it will be the job

But I still have some time to sort things out 

So watch this space 

It was great to see Breda 

And to tell her about all the positive things that are happening

I feel like I am the most stable that I have been in years

Even my ED is somewhat under control

The purging is at a minimum 

I'm not weighing myself 

And more importantly not caring what I weigh 

My clothes fit 

My skin, hair and nails are healthy 

I feel good 

Neither underweight or overweight 

I'm sleeping well

I wake up in the morning excited for the day

I feel alive 

I feel positive and hopeful for the future 

I feel like i am living 

Rather than existing 

Enjoying life 

Rather than enduring it

Life is good 

And that is an amazing thing to be able to say 

So 

It's onwards and upwards from here 

Things are really coming together for me 

The jigsaw pieces are falling in to place 

And the picture that is my life is becoming clear 

With help from a small army of help and supporters 

I am finding my way 

Finding out who I am

What I am all about 

I feel like I might have a shot at having a good life 

A happy life 

That's all I want 

To feel ok in my own skin

To be able to lay my head down at night 

Knowing I did my best that day to be a good person

And not hurt myself or anyone else 

I am slowly but surely putting my life back together 

I really think I can do this 

I think I can be a good and honest person 

I've come a long way 

And it's taken years to finally figure out what I want 

And where I want to go

But I am getting there 

Great strides start with baby steps 

And my baby steps are happening 

One at a time