D is for Drugs

Ok 

I'm back on track for the A-Z Challenge

Today 

D is for Drugs

As you may know 

In another life 

In a parallel universe 

I was addicted to drugs

In my teens 

I dabbled with all the usual suspects 

And at 18 

I took heroin for the first time 

I was instantly hooked

The thing about drugs 

Is that at first, it's fun

For me

I can still remember fondly the first time I took heroin 

I felt like I had finally found something that helped me be myself 

It gave me confidence 

It helped me feel like I belonged

Like I finally fitted in

I felt untouchable 

Invincible 

Happy 

Like a was in a safe cocoon 

And nothing could hurt me

Of course 

The honey moon period does not last 

And I soon found myself in the murky underworld that is addiction

I spent years trying to recreate that first time I used 

But it was never the same 

Now I was using to not go in to withdrawal

Just to feel normal

I became an expert liar

A proficient thief

And a master manipulator 

I hurt the ones I love the most 

I ripped my family apart 

I left a trail of destruction in my wake 

It was a nightmare 

And I couldn't get out 

For a long time I didn't want to get out

For most of my addiction

I was with my ex boyfriend 

You often see couples in addiction together 

Because no matter how bad things got 

We still had each other 

No matter how low we sank

We still had each other

But for the last couple of years of my addiction 

I was on my own

It was hell 

I was a young girl in a big city 

Alone 

Afraid 

Vulnerable 

I was taken advantage of many many times 

And there was nothing I could do about it 

My addiction was cyclical 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone 

Get clean 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone...

On and on it went 

For a long time 

I didn't want to get clean 

I just wanted the drug 

I spent a lot of time in treatment and hospital 

But always relapsed spectacularly

I was even frog marched over to London 

To do a detox

And yo have any opiate blocker implant fitted 

Which meant if I used 

It would have no effect 

It was supposed to last six months 

But for me 

It lasted a lot longer 

And it didn't stop me using 

I just used other drugs 

My last slip was last year 

Remember The Boy 

And the poppy tea?

That lasted about a month

But caused so much hurt to my family 

I never used to count my clean time 

But I have started now 

And February 14th was day one 

As far as drugs are concerned 

I am quite stable 

As I wrote yesterday

I still get horrendous cravings every now and then 

But I now know how to handle them

And I know they will pass 

I can't say I will never use again 

As I don't know what the future holds

But I do know that I won't use today 

I will stay well today 

I will be a good person today

When ever I tell someone about my past addictions 

People are really surprised 

I guess I am not your typical addict 

And that helped keep me out of trouble over the years 

I suppose everyone has a story to tell 

And this is mine