Body Image

Even though things are going well for me at the moment 

There is still one thing that I struggle massively with

Yes

You've guessed it

The dreaded body image

Historically 

I've always been on the slim side

As a child and teenager

I was very active 

I swam in a competitive level

I also studied dance

So I could basically eat what I wanted

And maintain a trim figure

The only time I've ever gained a significant amount of weight

Was when I was first prescribed olanzapine 

And even then 

I wasn't over weight

I just had more weight on my bones

And of course 

Throughout my addiction and ED

My weight fluctuated wildly 

Up until my ED started

I had never given my weight much thought 

I ate well and exercised 

And was in general pretty healthy 

My size and shape was not something I gave much thought to 

I didn't notice it

I wasn't aware of it

They say ignorance is bliss

And it most definitely was in this case

It was only when my ED developed 

That I became aware of my body 

And how much space I took up

I set about making myself smaller

Because smaller and thinner is good right?

Wrong 

As I have since learned 

Size and shape have precious little to do with happiness or contentment 

I do accept that I see a dirhmdtiuyd I acknowledge that I might not see an accurate version of myself 

But I do believe that I am quite big at the moment 

I have no idea what I weigh 

As I haven't been weighing myself recently 

So in my head 

I am twenty stone 

In reality 

It shouldn't matter what I weigh 

But it is important to me that I maintain my weight at a healthy point

I don't feel good if I am too thin or too heavy

I just want to be healthy and happy

I want to be able to wake up in the morning 

And not have a panic attack about what to wear 

I want to be able to look in the mirror

And not want to cry 

I just feel so big and cumbersome at the moment 

My legs 

My hips 

My tummy 

It all feels like too much 

And it's a horrible feeling 

I guess physical recovery happens at first 

You re-gain the weight 

And that's hard to deal with

Psychologically

It takes much longer to recover

And I am still in very early days 

I'm hoping that my distorted body image will right itself 

I hope that I can grow to love or even just like my body

Because it allows me to do some amazing things 

And it's getting stronger and stronger all the time 

But the main thing is that I am healthy

And happy 

And I feel good in myself 

I think I will always struggle with accepting my body 

Buy that's not just an ED thing 

It's a woman thing 

It's a human thing 

I see all these celebrities on TV 

Who have had work done 

Even young people who really don't need anything done at all 

People are striving for beauty and perfection on the outside 

When the real truth is that beauty comes from within 

It's a cliche 

But it's true 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

How is your body image?

Do you hate/love/like/loath your body?

What do you do to help your image of yourself?

Do you think it's possible to love yourself and your body after an ED?

Answers on a postcard please.....