Long day and lots to learn

I had a full day of training yesterday

Hence why I didn't post

By the time I got home 

My brain was throbbing with the amount of information I absorbed 

So yes

The other new girl, Sinead, and I were in yesterday 

I thought we were just going over a couple of things 

But we were there for six hours in total

And boy was there a lot to take in

Again

Georgina was training us 

And again

She was super clear and direct about what we need to do

And what is expected of us

She went through a massive folder with us 

Of policies and procedures 

She gave us a huge aray of scenarios that might happen while we are on duty

It really was an eye opener

As Georgina told us story after story 

Some very distressing 

She told us about the broad spectrum of people who will be staying in the centre

From women's groups 

To families 

To single people 

To old peoples groups 

Also people with mental health issues 

And addiction

She talked about drugs quite a bit 

And I could feel myself becoming uncomfortable 

And began to wonder if I should tell her about my own addiction history 

I have told her about my ED 

But have not divulged anything about drugs 

I decided to hold off until I was on my own with her 

We had a lunch break at 1pm

And we went down to the old folks house for a much needed cuppa

Myself and Sinead bonded over our respective piercings 

I was told yesterday 

That I might have to remove my piercings 

Which is annoying 

But nothing was said today 

So I'm hoping they won't bring it up again

Sinead is lovely 

She's 19

And full of energy 

Mentally I think I am around her age 

So I think we'll get on well

After lunch 

It was back to run through fire drills 

Panic buttons 

And so on 

We finished up around 4pm

And I was glad to get out and get some fresh air

We do have a dress code 

Which is dark trousers and a dark or white top

So I'm just organising what I do have 

I have a few pairs of black trousers 

All different sizes of course 

But I'm sure I'll find something suitable 

Today again 

Georgina held me back to have a chat with me 

She is keeping an eye on me

And asked me how I felt about the job now 

And did I think it would be too much 

I was honest with her 

And told her that I bounced from being super excited 

To being completely terrified

I also decided to tell her about my drug history 

She took it well

I asked if it changed anything she said not at all

But to not tell everyone about it 

Which I wouldn't anyway 

I explained that I have been stable a long time 

And have great support 

She asked about these supports 

And what my family thought of my taking this job

I told her that my Mum thinks this will be fantastic for me 

And my whole family is behind me

Georgina can see that I am lacking confidence 

But she said working in the centre will be perfect for me

And that I will flourish there 

She also told me that I did a great interview back a few months ago

And that there was a genuine warmth off me 

Which was lovely to hear 

I guess when I feel myself wobble about the job

I refer to my Mum and Georgina

Two strong smart women 

Who have looked me in the eye 

And told me with such conviction

That I can do this 

And not only can I do it 

I will be good at it

It's great to have others believe in you 

When you have very little faith in yourself

I came home yesterday evening 

Absolutely knackered 

My head hurt with the amount of information that it processed

I told my Mam all about the house and the training 

Man thinks it sounds like the perfect place for me to restart my working life

Because the centre is non profit

They are not driven by money 

So where as in one of the hotels 

I would just be a number 

In this job 

I am Ruby 

And Georgina makes it very clear that she wants it to work for me as much as she wants it to work for the centre

Which is why she is so accommodating with the hours

I know I am blessed to work in such a place 

It's a place where I can get a good foundation of confidence and skills

And then being so understanding about my conditions is just a breath of fresh air 

So 

I have a few days off now 

I'm back in for training next Tuesday and Thursday 

Then have my first live shift Friday

I'm using my days off to recharge 

To relax 

To go to my meetings 

And horse riding 

To make sure my recovery is on track 

And that all my ducks are in a row 

It's funny 

Now that I have more in my life 

My ED and addiction have taken a back seat 

Of course 

Life is not perfect 

But now my mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of food and weight 

I don't have a scales 

So I don't weigh myself 

And I don't miss it 

As long as my clothes fit 

And I feel good 

Well that's all that matters 

I can't lie 

I still purge from time to time 

But it is no where near they way it was 

When I was purging 10 - 20 times a day 

I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!

But I did 

I'm still alive and kicking 

And ready to face another challenge

It's strange to think that as recently as Christmas 

I was really struggling 

But as I always say 

As quickly as things can go belly up

They can also turn around just as fast 

And I am writing this post 

To let you know 

That there is most definitely life after an eating disorder and addiction

This is not a fluke 

Or an accident 

My recovery is down to hard work and determination

I truly believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it 

I am living proof that your life could be in the toilet 

Literally 

But you can still climb out 

And live a full life 

I remember Mary saying to me that positivity breeds positivity 

The same with energy 

Once you see a glimpse of what life could be like 

It's a huge reason to keep going

Of course 

My life is not perfect 

I struggle day to day 

With eating enough 

With body image 

With self confidence and self esteem 

I am too hard on myself 

And doubt myself a lot 

But I am doing the best that I can with what I have got

That's all any of us can do 

So please 

Today 

Take some comfort in knowing that I was in the gutter 

Addicted to heroin

With a chronic eating disorder 

There wasn't much hope for me 

But 

I was lucky 

My family pulled me through

Never gave up on me 

I have been extremely blessed with the people in my life 

Especially the women 

Strong women are a role model for me

And I'm fortunate to have a lot in my life 

My mother who is my hero

My two sisters 

My aunties 

Ladies at the meetings 

I now know what it takes to be a strong woman 

And some day I hope to be someone who others look up to 

Anyway 

I'm off to have a little rest 

And spend some time with Mam and the dogs 

Wishing you a happy Friday 

And see you on the next post......