To Tramadol or not to Tramadol.....

Monday morning 

And back to the usual routine 

Saw my doctor first thing 

He asked about pain

I said that had a little bit 

He checked my abdomen 

To see where the pain was

And prescribed a medication for ulcers

I can't lie 

I was so tempted to ask for Tramadol 

I really was 

But 

I didn't 

I figured why make life difficult for myself 

A relapse is a slippery slope

Why invite that kind of shit in to my life?

I need to be awake 

As my mother needs me

So I resisted 

To distract myself 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

I had no clue what my weight was 

As I have no scale at home 

And hospital and being sick always messed with my weight

So I'm down about a kilo since the last time I weighed 

And just a bit lower than my target weight in hospital 

So I am happy enough with that

Well

As happy as a person with an ED can be with their weight

Anyway 

I have bigger fish to fry 

My course was cancelled today

So I find myself at a loose end

Although it's nice to have a few hours to myself 

Oh 

I must give you an update on the lunatic driver 

That tried to ruin the Darkness into Light walk

After he ploughed in to the crowd 

He actually hit one person

Who suffered minor injuries 

Not long after 

The mini was found in a ditch

The driver had been drinking all day

And was out of his mind 

I hope they lock him up

What a really horrible things to do

To try and scare the shit out of hundreds of people 

Who are trying to do something good 

But 

He didn't succeed in ruining it for us 

In fact 

This year was the most enjoyable Darkness into Light walk to date 

So things are ticking along nicely at the moment 

Apart from my little holiday on Tramadol last week

I am doing just fine 

I know if I continued to take the Tramadol

I would be hooked before I knew it

And I'm supposed to be caring for my mother for the next few weeks 

I can't do that if I am out of my head

It can happen so quickly and so sneakily though 

They say while you are in recovery 

Your addiction is doing press ups 

Getting stronger 

While I was in hospital 

I took advantage of their liberal prescribing ways 

I asked for sleeping tablets 

Which I got 

And didn't really need 

I asked for more painkillers 

Which I also got 

I know I can be manipulative 

I can play people

But I didn't want to bother my doctor this morning 

And also 

Things are going so well at the moment 

It would be such a shame if I relapsed again 

I'm just not willing the let that happen

In other news 

I got word that my prospective employer rang my two references 

So I'm thinking that's a good sign

They both gave me a glowing report 

Which I am so grateful for 

Given my history 

There aren't a lot of people who I can get a good character reference 

But the two I have are pretty solid 

One is my elderly neighbour 

Who I help out a lot 

And the other is the owner of the little pizzeria I used to work in

So hopefully I will be offered this job 

I will most definitely take it if I am

I will be back horse riding Again this week 

And I can't wait to get back on the saddle 

To see Star 

And to see everyone else 

I missed it do much last week 

So it's great to get back to it 

That's where I get my kicks these days

So no 

I don't need external substances to make me feel good 

I can look inside myself 

Use my own reserves 

And be strong 

I don't need drugs 

I don't need to escape 

I can do this 

I can live in reality 

And heck

I might even enjoy it!

Thanks for your concern after my last post 

And you are right 

I probably should never have been prescribed it at all 

But 

That's ok 

I will get through it

Right 

I'm off to make lunch for Mam

See you on the next post....