I attended the lunch time AA in my area
I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone
I was so touched by all the hugs and kind words that I received
I actually opened the meeting today
So that was good for my confidence
The meeting itself was great
It's always good to listen to other recovering addicts
I always come away
Feeling a little bit more peaceful
A little bit stronger
I shared too
About my hospital admission
And especially around the painkillers
I have to admit
I am missing the Tramadol
I miss that sleepy feeling
The warm waves that rush through your body
But I know
I know what's in store for me if I continue down that road
Prescription or no prescription
If I am using said drugs to get a buzz
In a mood and mind altering way
Then in my book
That is using
That is being in active addiction
I know I'll get over this
I just need to hold steady
Stay strong
Attend my meetings
Keep in touch with friends
And generally keep my side of the street clean
Even since Christmas
I can feel a change in myself
My mindset
My confidence
And self esteem
I feel more sure of myself
More in control of my own life
And that my friends
Is huge!
In other news
I going back to horse riding tomorrow
I can hardly wait!
I've haven't been riding in about ten days now
And I have missed it so very much!
Tomorrow I am getting a life with Fintan
Who is in my riding group
We both go the same way
So it's just as handy for us to travel together
I've been wondering about weighing myself
I'm wondering should I buy a new scales
Or continue weighing in my doctors like I have been doing
I do want to know my weight
But I think once a week is more than enough to weigh
So I was wondering what you thought
Do you weigh?
Or maybe you don't weigh at all?
How often do you weigh?
Do you think it matters?
Inquiring minds want to know...
SO glad you got back to the meetings. Reading this post reminded me of the reason I need to go to meetings as well. My recovery is always so much stronger when I stay connected to other people in recovery, even if it's just through blogs or text messages. I've been slacking on staying connected lately, even with my online people. I always love keeping up with my blogger people. :)
ReplyDeleteMy personal opinion...just keep weighing with your doctor. I'm guessing that getting a scale would only give the ED obsession a foot in the door.
I've not been weighing myself at home. I'm actually following your advice to go by how I feel. I am full of energy and my skin and hair look really good...and my clothes are comfortable. Knowing that number on the scale will just start a bunch of head games that, quite honestly, I'm too fragile to manage right now.
I'm thinking that too SW
DeleteIt's just as handy for me to weigh in the doctors on a Monday morning
Having a scale at home might not be a good idea at the moment
Good to hear from you my lovely
Hope you are doing ok x
Glad you're back to your meetings and off the tramadol. I'm truly amazed they prescribed you such a strong opioid to be honest...
ReplyDeleteRead back through your old posts. When you weren't weighing at all you sounded like you were doing so well. Every time you've gone back to weighing, you've slipped back into the ED. I think getting a new scale now would be a major step backwards. No good can come of knowing the number. it will only feed the ED.
<3
Having thought about it
DeleteI agree with you Mich
I'm definitely not going to get a scale
Why go there
When I am doing so well
Thank you Mich
Always the voice of reason x
I agree with MIch. I don't think you should weigh at the doctor either. The fact that you are thinking about your weight again now that the hospital gave you a number is not a good sign. Deal with it same as with the Tramadol -- stay off! XX Eat well, sleep well, and enjoy your horses, your friends, your family XX
DeleteLove.
Maybe one day in the same way you beat the drugs, beat the cigarettes, are beating ed and gaining life, maybe it's time to beat the methadone. I can't help but feel it keeps a foot in the door to all that was and that it's now time to start on that. Starting with horses was good. Starting the course was good. Starting a job will be excellent. Moving away from what has thus far been your narrative about yourself (addict, mental ill health, ed) into a woman who has a job she enjoys, dogs to greet her when she comes in from work, horses for pleasure. Starting to make the transition away from safety and benefits to difficult but so worth it freedom. Making a proper independent life. Having other things to define yourself by. You were strong with the tramadol. You can be strong with the scales. Use that motivation to not use drugs to escape. To not hold on to a drug. One that keeps you trapped in this bizarre community of struggling people. Sometimes it's best to let go to become free and more engaged with life.
ReplyDelete'keeps you trapped in this bizarre community of struggling people' - omg, so true! even when I come here to read I feel this!
DeleteThis comment really was an eye opener...
Good luck Ruby, you are well on your way! xx
It's so good to read that things are starting to pick up again for you. Hospital was definitely a road bump, but lapses don't have to turn into relapses.
ReplyDeleteI think you should keep scales out of the house if you can. Weighing in occasionally at the doctor's might help keep it from spinning out of control. I know it helped me a lot when I was only weighing in with the dietician, and you do seem to cope better when you're not weighing. There's really no reason to weigh in more than once a week, anyway.
Enjoy your horse riding!
<3
xxxx
I weigh myself every day, but only count Wednesdays as the official weight. I could not go two weeks without weighing myself; not that it has helped, I'm still gaining :P
ReplyDelete