A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 

I became slightly paranoid

I worried what people would think about the way I look

Would they think I was chunky?

Too big?

With big boobs and big hips

I wasn't happy with the photos 

But then I never am 

So I posted them anyway 

As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 

I have no earthly clue what I weigh

And haven't weighed in a couple of months 

I do get curious from time to time 

But I really do think I am better off not knowing 

Ignorance is bliss and all that 

The last time I weighed I was X kilos

Putting me at a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that 

That is healthy 

I don't try to control my weight anymore 

I don't watch what I eat

I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 

I allow myself sweets and treats 

I believe everything in moderation

Including moderation

As for my weight 

Well

I guess I am going by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

Or what I weigh

And I do feel good 

I do feel healthy

And my clothes still fit perfectly 

So I am happy enough with that 

I can't lie though 

Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 

And I plan to buy a set of scales 

But 

I soon come to my senses 

And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 

I am so used to bring small and weak

But at the moment I am strong and fit 

Horse riding is helping me tone up

And I feel curvy and shapely 

My body image varies from day to day 

Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 

Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 

Some days all I see are rolls of fat 

But I also have good days 

When I appreciate my hour glass figure 

When I can see how womanly my curves are 

When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 

I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 

I no longer wish I was underweight 

Not only is it not a good look

It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

So 

I will continue not to weigh 

As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 

But I thought that last year 

And ended up losing 12 kilos 

And relapsing quite spectacularly 

I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery

I know I've never been able to do that 

Because I don't know when to stop

It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 

And before you know it 

Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread

And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper

You know what?

I don't want to be pin thin

I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill

And more than that 

I don't want to be they way 

You know what happens when you are severely underweight?

People pity you 

And feel sorry for you 

I used to welcome that pity 

But not anymore 

No way 

I don't want pity or sympathy 

I don't want people to feel sorry for me

Yes I want to be liked 

But not at the expense of my health 

Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 

I have enough people in my life who like and love me 

More than enough 

I am well at the moment 

The best I've been in a very long time 

So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 

While trying to let go of those that hold me back 

It's a balancing act 

But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 

I know I am blessed 

Yes 

I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 

But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 

I'm growing up 

I'm thriving right now 

Work is bringing out the best in me 

And I'm just so happy to be living my life 

And growing and blossoming as a person 

As woman 

As a daughter 

A friend 

A sister 

An auntie 

A horse rider 

A doggy mama 

A worker 

I am truly so much more than my illness 

I know that now 

My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 

How awesome is that......?