Catch Up

Yes 

A catch up is well over due 

I seem to be blogging less and less now

That is both a good and a bad thing

Life is busy and full

I work four days a week

Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday

On my days off 

I catch up on house work 

Horse riding 

And appointments 

Up until today 

My wages have been emergency taxed

Which meant almost half my pay was taken 

But today 

I got a lovely surprise 

When I checked my bank balance 

And saw that it had all been refunded 

What a lovely way to start the day

I was able to give a lot of money towards the house

And towards the new washing machine we need 

Which was a lovely feeling to be able to do that 

I also heard back from the disability section of social welfare 

I had to send them some pay slips 

So they could means test my disability against it

I did everything above board and legit 

And in actual fact 

My disability was reduced by only €8

Which is fantastic!

My work is considered therapeutic 

So I get to work 

And keep my payment 

But yes 

Work is going really well

I can feel my confidence improving every day 

I've made new friends 

I'm thriving in my new environment 

And feel like I can do my job 

And do it well 

Because I did a couple of shifts for one of the girls last week

I have had the last few days off

Which has been nice 

But I do find myself getting a bit bored on days when I have nothing on 

I'm definitely going to see if I can continue working after the summer season

As I feel it is doing me the world of good 

The routine 

The structure 

The satisfaction of having earned my own money 

It's all adding up to make one very happy Ruby 

I am now six weeks in to work 

I can remember back in May

Just before I started 

I was beyond nervous 

And was fully prepared for the fact that it might not work out 

In fact I was almost expecting it to go belly up

Even after my first day 

I still felt like it wasn't sinking in

But like a lot of things 

I had to give it a chance 

And time to settle in 

Which when I started to relax

Began to happen 

The centre is busy these days 

Full capacity is 60

And a lot of those are children

And when the weather is bad 

No one goes out 

So the place is like a bomb hit

But that's ok 

It keeps me busy and honest 

In other news 

I am loving my new hair 

I really need to go and getting it done more often 

As it really gives me a boost 

I went back to horse riding yesterday too

Which was brilliant as always 

My canter is getting better 

As I continue to improve 

Star is amazing 

Even if he did stand on my foot yesterday 

I travelled to horse riding with Fintan

We always have a great chat and laugh 

We stop to get the horses a bag of carrots on the way 

And the minute they hear the rustle of the bag 

They are all looking over 

And kicking the doors of the stables

I've decided not to go back to the other stables 

And stick to horse therapy 

I told Fintan yesterday 

That I had been taking other lessons 

He didn't think it was a good idea either 

I kind of felt like I was being sneaky doing other lessons 

Plus the fact that the other lessons were harsher 

I was put in a group with much more experienced riders 

I was pushed to do things I didn't feel

Comfortable doing 

And more often than not 

I came out of the lesson feeling deflated 

So I think I will stick to therapy 

As regards my ED

It's in the background these days

I can't lie 

I do still struggle with purging 

But it's not every day 

And it's not impinging on my quality of life 

I've accepted that this is as good as it gets for me 

At least for now

I hope that in time 

I will phase it out completely 

I am eating a lot better though 

I eat three meals and snacks 

When I'm working 

I have my breakfast and lunch there 

And I'm so busy 

That I don't get a chance to think about restricting or purging 

Since I started work six weeks ago

I have purged once in work 

And I am determined to keep that behaviour out of my work place

I have no earthly clue what I weigh 

Really and truly I can't even make an educated guess

But my clothes fit 

And I feel healthy 

So let's go with that 

I am done measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces

I am done being a slave to my scales 

My clothes are a size 8

I think I look ok

So why would I ruin all that 

By putting a number on it 

And you can bet your ass that if I did weigh myself 

It would start off the cycle of hating my body 

And manipulating my food and weight 

I turn 35 in a few weeks 

I've been addicted and eating disordered for 16 years 

I will never get those years back 

But you know what? 

I don't regret a thing 

My experiences have shaped the person I am today 

And I would hope that I am a good person 

Doing my best to live my life as well as I can

I try to be a good person 

I try to be the best that I can be

I know that I am blessed with a strong family behind me 

And good friends around me

I have two beautiful dogs 

A job I love 

I live in a place where I am surrounded by beauty 

I have enough money 

Enough food 

A roof over my head 

A warm dry bed to sleep on

I know I am luckier than some 

And I am incredibly grateful for that 

My life is charmed compared to some 

And I appreciate everything that I have

I have always noticed 

That in support groups 

It tends to be those over 30 that seem to be doing well 

This makes sense to me 

As in your twenties 

I think you are still growing up 

And still think you are invincible 

Going out a lot 

Pushing boundaries 

I know for me 

I was in my thirties when I finally sorted out my drug addiction and alcoholism

And now my ED

I guess I was burned out 

Sick and tired 

And ready to give up the hard living 

As it just wasn't worth it anymore 

The negatives massively out weighed the positives 

I wanted something more out of life 

In addiction 

Nothing is real 

Your feelings are fake 

Your relationships are fake 

Your reality is fake 

I now want something that is real

And honest 

I am done living that life 

So 

Today is a good day 

I feel positive and hopeful 

And that my friends 

Is a minor miracle 

Let me tell you 

It is hard work staying clean and sober 

On top of managing an ED

But 

It is so worth it 

And I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 

So please 

Today 

Take some comfort from the fact that I came through all this 

And you most certainly can too

I know it seems impossible 

Insurmountable 

But I promise you 

If I can do it 

So can you 

Recovery is the best gift you can give yourself 

It's right in front of you 

You just need to reach out and grab it