Tells you that you have bloomed and blossomed since starting work
First
I must apologise
For my lack of posts
My lack of comments
Even my reading your blogs
Blogger used to be my whole world
I immersed myself in to the ED community
As I had no real life to speak of
I turned to blogger
And the people here
For social interaction
For support
Advice
And friendship
My ED was all consuming
I can remember so clearly
All I did every day
Was either binge and purge like a maniac
It not eat at all
As recently as Christmas
My life was a shit show
I was a mess
A hot vomit stinking bony mess
Thankfully
I am beyond that now
It is all a memory
Instead of being my reality
Life then took off like a rocket
As the pieces of my life began to slit in to place
The rest as they say
Is history
But yes
I was over with my neighbour today
She asked about work
And said I had bloomed and blossomed since starting
She said that even the way I carry myself is different
This was so lovely to hear
As I guess I don't always see the changes in myself
I do know that I feel more confident
More sure of myself
I suppose that comes from my job dealing with people all day every day
Your self esteem can't help but grow
This week in work
We were talking about what we will do for our end of season staff party
There have been lots of suggestions
But our ages range from 19-60
So it's hard to think of something that will suit everyone
If you have any suggestions
They would be greatly appreciated
In other news
My methadone was reduced today
So I am now on 22mls
It's both thrilling and terrifying
My doctor has been trying to reduce it for the past few weeks
And I have been putting up resistance
But today
I was all out of excuses
And had to bite the bullet
It's only a 2ml drop
And I know I won't even miss it
But still
It's hard
It's scary
I don't like it
Although to be honest
Some days I completely forget to tAke my meds
As my mind is on work
When I come home from work
I am so tired
And fall asleep meds or no meds
So
All in all
Things are good
Life is good
I feel good
I have no earthly clue what I weigh
And quite frankly my dear
I don't give a damn
Ten bonus points if you can tell me which film that quote is from....
Also
I wanted to thank you
My readers
My friends
My blogger family
For sticking by me on this roller coaster of a ride we call life
Every step of the last four years has been documented here
From the depths of despair
To the highs of finally finding recovery
Things are going well for me now
And I can only hope that my story gives you hope
That you too can get well
Can recover
And can have a life after ED and addiction
Because it is possible
It is a reality for me and many others
In saying that
I have been in that place
Where recovery seems nigh on impossible
Like something that happens to other people
I've been crippled by my illness
But I promise you
If you can just take they first difficult but crucial step
You will see the benefits immediately
And you will want more
Because now
I can honestly say
That I want to live
I want to be alive in this world
As uncertain and scary as it is right now
I still want to be here
Death has never scared me
Life always scared me more
And it still is scary
But I feel like I am in a place where I can tackle it
So please
If you do one thing today
After reading this
Give yourself a break
Put down the whip
And do something nice for yourself
God knows we are so hard on ourselves
We would never treat others the way we treat ourselves
Because you matter
You are special
There is no other you
And the world needs you
Even if you think you are insignificant
You're not
You are wanted and needed
I promise you that
So let's do it girls
Let's stop bullying ourselves
Putting ourselves down
Berating ourselves
We are intelligent
Caring
Kind
And smart people
We matter to those around us
Never forget that....
i had to look up that quote. i've never seen that film. bad Sam, but ah, i love seeing you like this. i do have to say that i'm glad that the doctor reduced the methadone, because quite frankly, i think that if you really are forgetting to take meds, it shows that you're moving forward. i remember the posts where you tend to take too much/end up with no medicine for the rest of the day/etc. you've come leaps and miles from where you were before! even when i started following you, you were pro recovery and even since then, you've shown us so much!
ReplyDeletei'm quite happy to call you my friend. don't be afraid of change, Ruby. you know deep down inside, you want to be completely sober and i do believe that you can be. i think there is a life for you where you even forget how it's /like/ to have any kind of mental illness. as i'm sat here, sometimes, i read particular blogs and instagrams and i just sit here, thinking: did i really used to think like this?
i still do sometimes but there are days where i don't think i'm much different from the girls that eat normally. it's amazing to see myself able to dissociate myself from my mental disorder. i thought we were just one. we are not. it was /consuming/ me and it will not and shall not. i wouldn't be surprised if one day, you'd leave a post and say "i don't remember the last time i even engaged in any eating disorder related behaviour." until then, we work towards that day!
i love you, sweetheart. take care of yourself :)
-Sam Lupin
PS. i did re-read this comment and it's a bit choppy but i hope i got my point across well enough xxx
Gone with the wind is the film I think! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's so inspiring to see you doing better. You seem to write with more excitement and joy when you do write! I hope you stay part of the community even if you dont blog as often, I love your writting style and it's so inspiring to see all the leaps and bounds you've made in recovery
Gone with the wind is the film I think! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's so inspiring to see you doing better. You seem to write with more excitement and joy when you do write! I hope you stay part of the community even if you dont blog as often, I love your writting style and it's so inspiring to see all the leaps and bounds you've made in recovery
I love Gone with the Wind. You'd think a nearly 4-hour movie would be difficult to get through, but I can never turn away from that film. Also, the costumes HOLY CRAP I wish we still dressed like that.
ReplyDeleteHaving a real reason to get up and out of the house every day does make a huge difference.
So proud of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteGone with the Wind!!! That movie was a staple in our house growing up. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so thrilled to read your updates and know what recovery is looking like for you. So much of what you wrote in this post really resonates with me.