RIP

I write this post a very sad and confused Ruby

It's been a crazy week

I saw on Facebook last week

That I guy I was friends when I was growing up was missing 

And had been for a few days

I wasn't worried at first 

And there was no panic to begin

With 

Just concern that he was ok

In fact 

This guy had been more than my friend 

He had been my first ever boyfriend when I was just 14

We went out for about ten months 

Which is a lifetime when you are that age 

I went to the girls school

He went to the local tech 

We met every day after school

Smoking cigarettes and stealing kisses around the back of the church 

We wrote each other letters 

And because we both loved The Doors 

We addressed each other as Pamela and Jim

How cringey 

But also how cute

Then 

After a few years 

We hooked up again 

After we lived in the same neighbourhood

But 

It didn't last 

As I was going off the rails with drugs 

I kept an eye on FB during the week

But there was no sign of him

Then 

On Friday 

I saw messages of condolence on social media 

But I still didn't know what had happened

I went in to work yesterday morning as usual

Still none the wiser

I got a text from a girl I went to school with 

I figured it was about this guy 

So I took a few minutes to ring her

She confirmed it 

He was dead 

I asked her what had happened 

She explained that he had been working in the UK

And had been home for a short while 

Apparently 

He had been suffering with mental health issues

And was experiencing depression and paranoia 

My friend thought that this may have been due to drug abuser over the years 

He hung himself 

He was 36 years old 

Even though he was suffering 

He sought no help

And wasn't under the care of a doctor 

Or any other professional

This news breaks my heart 

Another young man lost to suicide

It's confusing 

It's disturbing 

And deeply upsetting 

My heart goes out to his loved ones 

He will be missed

I just hope he has found some peace

God knows he deserved it

I was in work when I heard this news

And I confided in my work mate 

It was good to talk about him

And remember him

I rang my Mam to tell her 

She would have taught this guy in school

It hit her hard too

And she was in tears as I explained about his death

Thankfully

I was on a short shift 

And was only working until 12pm

But to be honest with you 

I kind of wish that I had been working longer 

At least then I wouldn't have been thinking about him so much

I have so many lovely memories about this guy 

And I guess he was my first love 

Now 

I guess there are so many what ifs?

If only he had talks to someone 

If only he had asked for help 

If only I had kept in touch with him

I can't imagine what was going through his head

That he felt his only option was to disappear from everyone 

Tie a knot in a rope 

And end his short life 

It's just so very sad

I despair 

I really do

It seems that suicide is becoming an epidemic in this country 

Heck I've been there myself 

In a situation where I thought my family would be better off without me 

That things would never improve 

And that death was the only release from the pain I was in

Thankfully

I have moved past a place where life scared me more than death

I feel more able to cope with life 

And whatever it throws at me

This is what we need 

The tools to deal with life 

Because heaven knows life is not a straight path 

There are so many bumps and obstacles along the way

But we do our best 

And that's all we can do

This morning 

The parental unit and I went to mass at the holy well

It's a mass for the sick 

So Dad wanted to go to get blessed 

I also got blessed 

And I lit a candle for my friend 

Hoping that he has now found peace

They say that suicide is a selfish act 

I don't buy that 

The person who is suffering often feels like they are a burden to their loved ones 

And that they are better off without them

They believe that they are relieving their family of stress and worry 

But of course that is not the case 

Suicide leaves a trail of grief and destruction

Confusion and deep loss 

Death is just so final 

And especially when it is a young person

Who had everything to live for 

I feel quite empty 

Like life is sometimes pointless 

We live 

We die 

And we get a very short space of time between the two

For a long time 

I placed no value on my own life 

I didn't care whether I lived or died 

It just wasn't important to me at all

But now 

Now I want to live 

I want to be alive 

And part of this world 

I just wish that my friend had reached out and asked for help 

It's too late now

RIP Michael

You are loved and missed...