Toughing it out...

The last few days have been tough

After hearing about the suicide of my friend 

I almost fell apart

I was at work when I found out 

So I couldn't very well crumble then

But on Sunday night

I had a dream about my friend 

He was exactly the way I remember him

Young 

Carefree

Cheeky 

I woke up in the morning in tears

Cue a whole day of feeling so sad and emotional

I had my doctor at 9am

And the minute I sat down in his office 

The tears continued to flow

My doctor was so kind to me 

He let me cry 

Gave me as much time as I needed to collect myself 

The thing about suicide 

Is that it leaves so many unanswered questions 

And what ifs?

What if I had been a better friend?

What if we had never broke up?

What if I had made more of an effort?

But as my doctor said 

A person could seem fine one minute 

Then go home and overdose 

Or hang themselves 

You just never know what is going through a persons head 

On Sunday I went to mass at the holy well with my parents 

I prayed for my friend 

And lit a candle for him

Saying goodbye in my own way 

I just hope he is at peace now 

Finally 

I've had no work since Saturday 

As it's been very quiet

But I'm back in tomorrow 

And will be working all weekend 

To be honest 

I've missed work 

I miss the structure 

The routine 

The escape 

The people 

I'm glad to get back to it 

And of course the paycheque at the end of the week is always welcome 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday 

Or at least one of his team 

She was lovely 

A Polish lady 

So friendly and enthusiastic 

She told me that she had been reading my file 

And that I am doing really well

She seemed genuinely pleased for me 

I spoke a bit about my friend 

As he has been on my mind so very much 

She was so kind too 

I must say 

I feel

So grateful for the people I have in my life 

A lot of the time 

I feel like I am being carried along by them 

My feet not touching the ground at all 

I am surrounded by amazing people 

My family 

My friends 

May horse riding 

At work 

And especially the friends I've made recently 

Now I can say that I truly know the meaning of friendship 

I've let go of people who were dragging me down 

Using me

I now know that I am worth so much more 

I deserve to be treated well

Just like anyone else 

I won't set myself on fire 

To keep someone else warm

And God knows I've done enough of that over the years 

Today 

I am just back from horse riding 

It was fantastic as always 

I got a lift out with Fintan 

And it was just the two of us today 

I like when it's just the two of us 

As we are in a similar place riding wise 

And today Eilish really pushed us 

And got very technical

I loved it though 

I love the challenge 

I'm so eager to learn and improve 

And just be the best that I can 

We did a good bit of cantering 

Which is such a rush!

I swear 

I am so envious of Eilish and her family 

The have this brilliant facility in their back garden 

They can ride when ever they want 

I would give anything to have that available to me 

An hour a week just isn't enough anymore 

So I asked Eilish if come autumn I could go out for half a day a week

And maybe get two lessons instead of one 

Fintan would also love to do this 

Eilish said to leave it with her 

So hopefully that will happen for us 

It would just make more sense all round 

I travel an hour to get to riding 

So to spend more time there would really benefit me

I finish work in September 

So it would be great to have that To look forward to

In other news

My Dad is deteriorating quite a bit 

And we are all very concerned about him

We worry that he is not managing at home alone 

Basic every day things like dressing, cooking and shopping my are becoming increasingly difficult fir him

The nurse specialist is visiting him today 

And in fairness 

The support he is getting is fantastic 

He is being well looked after 

It's very hard as we need endless patience to deal with him

I guess it's an adjustment for us all

And it will take time 

But yes 

Even though I am feeling a bit raw and emotional 

I am ok 

Or at least I will be

I like to think of my friend as I knew him 

And I do have a lot of fond memories 

That's what I'm going to hold on to

It seems everyone has a past 

Something they are dealing with 

No one is immune 

No one gets off Scott free

We all have across to bear 

ED wise 

I am doing ok 

I have no clue what I weigh 

It doesn't really matter I guess 

As long as my clothes fit 

And I feel healthy and well

That's all that really matters 

Yes I still purge from time to time 

But recovery is about progression not perfection

I'm doing the best I can

I'm eating 

I'm not restricting in any way 

I'm not compensating with exercise or laxatives 

Yes 

I still struggle with body image 

And struggle not see myself body in a negative light 

I have to accept I'm not 19 anymore 

I am a 34 year old woman 

I have boobs and hips 

I'm curvy 

I have a shape 

Some days I love it 

Other days I hate it 

But I'm healthy and happy 

No matter what I weigh 

I would take this over anorexia or bulimia any day of the week

So 

That's it from me for today 

I'm off for a cuppa 

And to spend some time with my dogs 

See you on the next post....