Course Update

So this morning 

I had an appointment with the course coordinator of the horsemanship course I want to do 

Her name is Atlanta

I arrived in the building bang on 10am

If I am anything 

I am punctual

With a name like Atlanta 

I expected her to look like a mermaid

Or a Disney princess 

But to my disappointment she was a real live human being 

Very friendly 

And filled me in on the course content 

They do three days in the classroom 

Monday to Wednesday 

And Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 

There are about eight modules 

Including horse riding and health and safety 

Plus some optional modules 

Like IT and communications

The days are quite long 

9am to 4pm 

But there is a half day on a Friday 

Which is nice 

Atlanta read my application 

And told me that their psychologist may want to see me before I start 

Just to make sure I am ready and able for the course 

I don't sweat about things like that 

I know I can come across well with a bit of effort 

Atlanta told me that I am welcome to try the course out for a few days 

To see if I like it 

She suggested next week

But as it turns out

Next week is not good for me

So it will have to be the week after

At least that will give me an idea if it is for me or not 

I also have to contact my local

Social welfare office 

To let them know I am starting the course 

It was a lot to take in today 

But I really like the sound of the course 

I am going to take tonight to think about it 

And ring Atlanta tomorrow with my decision

Of course 

If I start this course 

It will rule out my horse therapy on a Wednesday 

That means so much to me 

And I will miss it so much if I have to leave 

But I also know that I have to move on at some stage 

If I want to progress 

I wrote a lot on my application about the the role animals can play in therapy 

And Atlanta said the course tutors also believed this 

So that is great that we are on the same page

I guess what worries me

And causes me some anxiety 

Is not so much the course itself 

I mean I am pretty sure that I will love it 

It's everything around the course that causes me concern 

I live about a 35minute drive from the centre 

And if the course starts at 9am

I will need to leave home shortly after 8am

Then there is the issue of parking 

I worked out they I could get a bus in and out 

So that would probably be the best option

As the thought of driving every day stresses me out 

Even though I spent the summer working 

I know doing a full time course is really going to tire me out 

At first for certain

Then hopefully I will become accustomed to it 

And it will become easier 

Then there is the pressure of starting in a new place with new people 

I guess those first few weeks when I am finding my feet will be tough 

But once I am settled in 

Hopefully things will become more manageable 

Also 

I have two dogs they need looking after 

So if I do this course 

They probably won't get walked every day 

And they will spend most of the day with my Mam and Dad rather than me

That doesn't pose a huge problem 

But it's something to think about 

I know when I come in in the evening 

They will want attention and hugs 

And it's going to be an adjustment period for all of us 

So yes 

A lot to think about 

But I am really hoping I can rejig things so that I can attend the course

And I can still maintain my recovery 

Which is paramount 

Because with out my recovery 

I literally have nothing 

It is the foundation of my whole life

And it has to take priority 

There will be some practical things that need to be sorted 

Like changing my doctor day from Monday to Friday 

Organising meds 

I'm pretty sure I will have to start taking my meds at night rather than the morning 

As I don't want t be drowsy in class

My good friend Fintan had some wise words for me recently 

He said that if it excites me

And scares me

Then I should probably do it 

And it does 

It both thrills me and terrifies me

Isn't that always the way with dreams?

I will take tonight 

To weigh up the pros and cons of doing this course 

But in my heart 

I know what I want to do

I just know 

I met a friend for lunch in town today also 

A girl who was in treatment with me a couple of years ago 

We meet up every few weeks 

To catch up 

Listen 

Chat 

Give advice and take some

Today we talked a lot about perfectionism 

My friend would suffer with this 

As do I 

I don't know if I always was like this 

Because it's only in recovery that I have started to recognise it 

I really noticed it in work this summer 

Agonising over decisions

Staying late to check and re check everything I did

It was pretty bad

And when I came home 

I would stress over whether I had left everything on

Even worrying that the place would burn down because I forgot to turn off the gas or something similar

Perfectionism really seems to be a trait of anorexia 

In EDs in general 

Today I told my friend a little thing my sister taught me

That done is better than perfect!

Love that!

Because I know I could never finish anything 

For fear that it wasn't perfect 

I swear 

Life is too short people 

Anyway 

That is my little update for the day 

Thank you for reading 

And if you have any feedback about the course 

I would be grateful 

Do I stay where I am?

Continuing horse therapy once a week

Or do I push myself?

And throw myself in to this course?

I'd love to know what you think...