Preparation

I spoke to Atlanta again yesterday 

I wanted to ask her if I could postpone my trial period to the week after next 

As I need to be around next week

As my Dad has some appointments in Dublin

She said that was no problem 

So I start my trial period on the 17th

And then I start the course proper on the 24th

I told Atlanta to go ahead and do her paper work 

Now I just need to go and sort out my payment 

And then I will be official!

Exciting no?

I know that some of you have expressed concern that this course might be too much 

And I totally get that 

I'm concerned too 

It's going to be a long week

With long days 

I figured out that I could get a bus in to town at 7 50am

That gets there at about 8 40am

So that would leave me time to get a cuppa before I start at 9 15am

Then I finish at 4 15pm

And can get a bus home at 4 30pm

Driving is really a no go 

As I'm still waiting to do my test 

And parking will also pose a problem

Busing it will make the day a bit longer 

But I guess I can sleep for the journey 

I also need to sort out my meds 

As you know 

Monday is usually doctor day 

So that will have to change 

Friday is only a half day on the course 

So I will chAnge my appointment to Friday afternoons 

Which is simple enough 

I also need to think about when I take my meds

And will probably have to start taking them at night 

So I am alert during the day

But that is easy enough to implement 

I've had to weigh up the pros and cons of doing this course 

The cons being the long days 

The fact I won't be able to attend horse therapy on a Wednesday 

Less time with my dogs 

Tiredness 

Lots of tiredness 

But there are many pros 

I will be doing something that I love 

I will be out and about 

Learning something new 

I will be horse riding twice a week 

I will be meeting new people who share my passion 

Lots to think about 

It's a huge leap for me 

And it's a risk 

But it's a risk I'm willing to take 

In other news 

I wrote a few posts ago 

About changing my diet 

Read: Not going on a diet 

But just making some adjustments 

I had been taking in so much salt 

That I was constantly bloated 

I was literally living off salt and vinegar crisps and roasted and salted peanuts 

And I really mean that I was eating precious little else 

Even as I ate them

I could feel myself bloating 

And it's such a horrible feeling y clothes felt right 

I looked six months pregnant 

But I craved salt the way I used to crave heroin

I tried many times to kick my salt habit 

Even throwing out all the Pringles and peanuts in the house 

But my cravings were so strong 

I kept giving in to temptation

The final straw came 

Last Thursday 

When I wore a jacket in to town 

And I could almost feel my body swallowing and eating the jacket 

It was so tight I felt so uncomfortable 

So I knew I had to do something 

Not lose weight as such 

But to address the bloating 

And the uncomfortable feeling 

So on Thursday I had my last box of Pringles 

And my last bag of peanuts 

I was super determined to kick this habit 

And eat a healthier and more varied diet 

Yesterday was my first day

And I was literally hanging for a hit of salt 

I came so close to going to the shop for crisps 

Every time I got a craving 

I had something else to eat 

I mean obviously I can't eliminate salt completely 

But I can reduce my intake 

Within hours of kicking my salt habit 

I could feel the bloating disapate 

And my tummy looked less pregnant like 

At some points it was touch and go 

But I managed not to fold 

And today is my second day relatively salt free 

But most definitely crisp and peanut free

I'm also trying to have proper meals 

To keep my blood sugar stable 

As far as my ED goes 

It's a whole lot better 

Not perfect 

But it's about progress not perfection 

I still purge from time to time 

That is proving incredibly hard to eradicate 

But Jesus H Christ 

It is miles better than it was 

I think back to a couple of years ago 

I was out of control 

I spent my days bingeing and purging 

Stealing food from shops 

I had a path work from my kitchen yo my bathroom 

It was crazy 

But I couldn't stop

I couldn't stop

I wanted to 

But I didn't know how

I was killing myself slowly 

It was a nightmare 

Which makes me so grateful for the recovery that I have found 

I am so much better then I was 

And the last nine months 

Things have just got better and better 

I am now living my life 

My way 

And even more than that 

I am enjoying it so much 

I used to wake up in the morning 

And dread the day ahead 

Knowing that I would spent my day with my head in the toilet bowl 

Was soul destroying 

Then there was the daily ritual of weighing myself 

And that number dictated my self worth 

My confidence 

My mood for the whole damn day

I know now that scales serve no purpose for me 

Like an alcoholic in recovery needs to stay away from alcohol

I need to stay away from the scales 

Or any measuring device that measures my self worth in numbers 

At least I've learned that much 

So I'm hoping that in the coming weeks 

My body will settle down 

That the bloating will correct itself 

And that I will feel better in my own skin 

I also know that if I start this course 

I'm going to need to keep my strength up

And that means eating breakfast and lunch and dinner 

No living off chocolate for bursts of energy 

I know that ther course will be tough at first 

As I get used to the new routine 

I guess I'm going to have to get up at about 7am

But I got up at that time for work 

And I'm an early riser anyway 

So I should be ok

I'm just so excited to start though 

I have just over a week to gather my strength 

And get my head in the zone

Then it's the beginning of the rest of my life...