The logistics
Sorting out travel
My money
My meals and how I'm going to manage those
And generally psyching myself up to be on good form
And ready to take on anything my course throws at me
Terror and anxiety is gradually giving way to excitement and eagerness
I can't wait to start
I can't wait to throw myself in to it
To be in the midst of everything horsey for the next 18 months
As well as it being right up my street
I know it's also going to be tough
Early mornings
Getting up in the dark
Coming home in the dark
Long days
Physically and emotionally it's going to be hard going
But I am so ready for the challenge
So ready to learn and grow
And become a capable horse rider
I just have such a good feeling about this
Yesterday
I had a moment of weakness
And I weighed myself
My mother also weighed herself
And I weigh more than her
This bothered me for about half an hour
But then I realised that it really doesn't matter
Not one little bit
I am right smack bang in the middle of what is a healthy weight for my height
I am taller than my mother
I also came to the realisation
That if I want to do my course
If I want to be a competent horse rider
I need to keep my strength up
I need to keep my body fuelled
If I stop eating
Or start purging more
Then I can say goodbye to my course
Goodbye to my health
My happiness
My families happiness
There are bigger issues I have to
Address
Like being able to contribute to looking after my Dad
I'm needed
If I am not eating properly
I can't do any of this
It could be argued that addiction and EDs are extremely selfish
I both agree and disagree with this
I know it took me a long time to realise they my addictions effected more than just me
It had a ripple effect on to everyone around me
And my family were stone cold sober through it all
I was off my face
And oblivious to the hurt and pain I was causing
Now I know if I want to pick up a drug
Then it's not just my life I'm ruining
But those around me also
And that is too high a cost to pay
So
I am not getting back on the merry-go-round of weighing myself
No good can come of it
Today
I am taking it easy
And gathering my strength for Monday
I know some of you expressed concern that this horsemanship course might be too much for me
And I know I will struggle with aspects of it
But I have to follow my heart
And go with what I feel is right
I could do the computer course I applied for
Which would only be two days a week
But computers don't excite me
Horses excite me
Riding excites me
Anything to do with animals excites me
So i am going to go for it
I know I would regret it if I didn't
I feel I have a good foundation in riding now
Although
When I go out to the new stables
I'm not going to say that I have experience
I'll play down the fact that I have a little bit of experience
Just so the don't push me too much
I just can't wait to get started though
I have such a good feeling about it!
Anyway
That's it from me for today
Hope you all have a lovely Saturday
And see you on the next post....
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ReplyDeleteThanks you! X
Delete<3
ReplyDeleteXxx
Deletehappy happy you ! how exciting wish it was me! think of you mon and can't wait to hear about it xx jo
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo
DeleteFor your continued support
You are amazing! X
I can't wait to hear all about it. I just know you're gonna ace it. Good luck for Monday! :)
ReplyDeletexxxx
Thank you my dear Bells x
DeleteWhere you going Shelby?
ReplyDeleteDon't be a stranger
Keep in touch won't you?
You will be missed x
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