A is for anxiety...

 For the last few weeks 

I've been struggling with crippling anxiety 

It's effecting everything 

My sleep

My mood 

My eating 

My energy levels 

Pretty much everything 

Mornings are my worst time of the day

I wake up 

Start to get ready for school

Then I start thinking

And get in to an argument with myself 

About whether to go in or not 

I feel a sense of dread 

Of impending doom 

Then I get diarrhoea

And I begin to panic 

This week 

I only went in two days 

The other days I stayed home 

I was annoyed with myself for not going in

And am generally being very hard on myself 

I've spoken to my doctor 

And the only suggestion he made was to get up earlier

???

He just doesn't get it 

He treats the medical issue 

I guess I need to be talking to someone who understands 

Yesterday 

Out of sheer desperation 

I put a call out on Facebook

To ask people for ideas, suggestions 

Anything that might help me get through the day

I had a huge response 

And was blown away by how many people reached out 

A few people who I used to use drugs with contacted me 

They had also experienced addiction and mental health issues 

It just goes to show 

The fallout from drug abuse years later 

If I knew then what I know now 

Life would surely look very differently 

But hey 

It is what it is 

So 

I had to make a decision 

Either continue my course and keep trying 

Or cut my losses 

And walk away from it 

Usually now is when I quit 

When things become tough 

But the stubbornness inside me is stopping me 

It would be easier if I didn't love my course so much 

At least then it would a no brainer

And easier to give up

But because I love it so much 

I want to figure out a way of dealing with this 

One way or another 

And look 

I've come through tougher stuff than this

I am truly blessed though 

To have an amazingly strong family around 

And brilliant friends 

Who continue to have my back.

So no

I'm not giving up 

Not just yet 

My tutor rang me yesterday 

To see how things were 

She told me that one of the girls has been exited from the course 

I guess that is a polite way of saying her ass was kicked off the course 

Because she has missed so much time 

I then panicked that the same would happen to me 

But my tutor assured me that because I had kept in close contact with staff

This other girl wasn't answering her phone 

So I got a doctors cert for this week

And I will start again afresh this Monday 

Day by day 

Step by step 

That's the way I'm going to do it 

No pressure 

No stress 

Done is better than perfect 

This month 

I celebrate one year in my recovery from anorexia and bulimia 

This time last year I made the decision to cyhoose life 

Rather than death 

Because that's what living with an ED is like 

It's a slow and tedious death 

As you literally starve yourself to death 

I am one of the lucky ones 

I made it out relatively unscathed 

I made it out alive!

Not everyone does 

This month last year I final had enough  

And started on this journey that we call recovery 

But it didn't have to be the new year 

That's just the way it happened for me 

Really and truly 

You can start your recovery at any time

And day

Any month 

As long as you choose  it at some point 

Ok friends 

I'm going to leave it at that for today

I posted my Christmas cards today 

So you should get them soon

Take care 

And look after each other

See you on the next post...