Hanging on

I'm here 

I'm still here 

Even though I've been using Facebook more than blogger recently 

As it's quick and easy

And when I have zero energy after a day in school

I don't feel like writing a whole big spiel 

So 

When I last left you

I had taken some time off school due to a funny tummy caused by anxiety

I really was struggling 

And I took about four days off

I went back this week

Although I missed today due to bad weather and icy conditions

But it's great to be back 

I missed my course 

My school friends 

The horses 

Yesterday I got to ride for the first time in a couple of weeks 

In the morning I was on Blue 

My little white friend 

We are pretty good buddies by this stage 

I spend time grooming him 

Tacking him up

He has a bad habit 

Which is called wind sucking 

Which means he bites on to his feeding trough

Arches his neck 

And sucks in the air

Apparently 

It releases a rush of endorphins 

And the horse gets addicted to it

I was telling my Mam about this yesterday 

And she said

'Ruby, trust you to get one horse who is a drug addict!'

Oh how we laughed 

It is funny though 

I try the distract Blue from the wind sucking 

But he is one determined boy

It's no secret in the yard that Blue is lazy 

He's also very small

And his trot is so neat 

If very slow 

And his canter 

Well when I can get him to canter 

It's just adorable 

He's like a little toy horse 

Yes 

I'm developing a real sense soft spot for Blue 

In the lesson 

Blue was just not feeling it 

He was barely conscious 

Never mind awake 

And he just flat refused to canter for me 

But anyway 

I love him all the same 

In the afternoon 

I was on Bambi 

Who is just a joy 

And beautiful to boot 

Feistier than Blue 

She is pretty from head to tail 

And boy does she know it 

She is a lot more responsive 

So where as with Blue 

I've to give him a good kick to get going 

With Bambi 

She just needs a squeeze 

And a tap of the stick to canter

Yesterday 

In our individual exercise 

We had to canter twice around the arena 

Which meant passing out the rest of the ride 

Blue was so funny 

When he had done one circuit 

He just slotted in behind Nikon

And in front of Jigsaw 

So nearly and perfectly 

I got Bambi to do it though 

Eventually 

I've been getting a lot of support since this anxiety has taken over 

I spoke to my tutor 

I'm seeing Mary again for a few weeks 

And I also have been seeing my school counsellor 

As well as help from my family and friends 

I am truly blessed to have so many good people in my life 

And it just makes life that bit easier 

Anxiety really is a silent assassin 

To the outsider 

It's not detectable 

But in my head 

There is a whirlwind going on

Thoughts and more thoughts 

Thinking and over thinking 

It's relentless negativity 

For me 

It leads to rash and impulsive actions 

Doing things without thinking them through

It also goes hand in hand with insecurity 

Low confidence 

Low self esteem 

And perfectionism 

The bottom line being that I think I'm a bad person 

And just not good enough

One of my tutors has been great 

She is our horsemanship tutor 

So she does horse theory with us on a Wednesday 

And come new out to the stables with us the following couple of days 

She gave me a ring on Tuesday 

To see how I was doing 

I was feeling pretty low 

And she told me some things that really helped 

She said my horse riding was one of the best in the group

And that I am really liked within the group

That I am a positive influence 

I can't tell you the lift it gave me to hear this 

I always felt like the dunce in horse riding 

That I did everything wrong 

I also thought people didn't like me at all

So to hear that I am very much liked is so reassuring 

I'm becoming aware that I need a lot of affirmation 

That I don't trust my own judgement as far as how I'm doing 

I'm sure that's ok

But I need to be able to assure myself 

Without getting it from others 

I'm hoping that doing this course will boost my confidence 

And I will start to see myself in a more positive light 

I mean I'm doing my best 

I really am 

Learning does not come easy to me

And I really need to work on it 

Especially around the theory 

I have an IT exam coming up too

I had the choice to take it before Christmas or after 

I'm think I'm going to take it after 

Just to give myself that extra bit of time 

I've also started studying in the evenings 

Just to go over stuff

And get it in to my head 

I'm feeling a lot better now 

And am optimistic about continuing my course 

I love it

I am in my element learning about horses 

I guess the dream is to own my own pony or horse

That would be in my wildest dreams 

I'm think it's possible 

It could happen 

And this course is perfect for learning all I need to know

I must say 

The course is fantastic 

The tutors 

The way it's run 

The course content 

It's very comprehensive

And gives a great foundation for learning about horses

I love it so much 

In other news 

Christmas is fast approaching 

I usually love it 

But this year in just not feeling it

So far anyway 

It's supposed to be the best time of year 

But of course it doesn't always happen that way 

It can often be a really stressful time 

I know many of my Christmases growing up were ruined by addiction

People drinking too much 

Fights 

Family rows 

Bust ups and breakdowns 

Absolute disasters 

Thankfully 

Our house is an alcohol free zone 

Anyone who comes here knows the score 

I really don't miss drinking 

I don't miss it at all

Especially the hAngovers 

When I drank at my staff party in the summer 

It took me days to recover 

The come down was horrific 

The fear 

The shame about what you did and said the night before 

The stupid things I did that seemed like a good idea at the time 

No 

I enjoy my sobriety far more than that 

It is precious 

Christmas makes me feel very grateful for what I have 

A lovely comfortable house to live in 

A dry clean bed to sleep in 

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

A loving and strong family around me

Two beautiful dogs at my feet 

Who I love beyond words 

Friends that I cherish 

A course that I love 

And a feeling of contentment that I don't think I have felt before 

What is important has changed radically for me this year 

This time last year I was relapsing 

Losing weight 

Not to mention my mind 

Controlling my weight was my priority 

I thought about it morning til night

Now I rarely think about it 

I don't weigh myself 

I have no idea what I weigh 

Android I don't want to know 

My clothes fit 

I feel strong and healthy 

My hair and nails and skin are in good condition 

And even if I did gain a little weight 

It's not the end of the world 

In the scheme of things 

It's not really important 

I don't know what  the turning point for me was 

I guess it was a couple of things 

Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired 

Just having enough 

Realising that my ED was making me feel utterly miserable 

The fact that my body and mind could take no more 

Then I started horse riding 

And that helped me more than I can ever describe 

For me 

It was so important to fill the hole that my ED left 

With something positive 

And horse riding is that something positive 

Since I started equine assisted therapy back in March 

I'm have fallen in love with everything horsey 

I just can't get enough of it 

I am learning that it is so important to have a raisin d'être 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

Something that warms your heart 

Your spirit 

Your soul 

It's amazing to be able to say it 

But I feel happy 

For the first time in my life 

I actually feel happy 

I hope my story will give others hope

I got through six years of drug addiction

And 15 years of disordered eating 

With all sorts of other little addictions along the way 

There is life after these issues 

I am walking talking proof of that 

So whatever you do

Never give up hope 

As long as we are breathing 

There is hope 

Below are some photos of my time during equine assisted therapy...