2017

A new year friends

Where is the time going?

This year I am five years blogging 

It's been an amazing few years

So many highs and lows

Ups and downs 

Relapses and slips 

Trying to recover 

Trying to fight for a better life 

I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas 

I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time 

My appetite is non existent at the moment 

I don't know why 

But I can't even look at food 

Never mind eat the stuff

I guess they could be stress related too

Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis 

Which makes no sense at all

But that's an anxious, recovering body for you

Over the break 

I was supposed to make a decision about my course 

To continue or not to continue 

This is the major cause of my stress 

Not being able to make a decision

Fearing I'll make the wrong decision

And changing my mind ten times a day

I decided to look at my other options 

And booked a lesson at a stables near my house 

Which I've never been to before 

It was a private lesson yesterday 

It was an outdoor arena

And damn was it cold!

But I learned so much 

And was given some great advice that really helped my technique

So I booked a lesson for next week

And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready 

As well as staying after for a while too

This is all great 

The downside is the cost 

It was €40 for an hour long private lesson

That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget 

But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years 

At least this is something worthwhile 

I guess I will see how I manage 

If I can't afford it 

I can't afford it

Then today 

I met my friend Fintan 

And went back to horse therapy 

Where I started my horse riding journey 

I didn't get to ride 

But it was so nice to see everyone 

I missed them

I had a chat with the lady 

And she said I can always go back there 

As well as doing the six week course they are running 

So that's another option 

I just need to make a decision

I contacted our course tutor today 

And made an appointment to see her on Friday 

I just feel so torn 

The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious 

But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad

I think I know what I need to do though 

There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad 

Still though 

It's another thing I've started and not finished 

I wonder if people will feel disappointed 

Let down 

But despite that 

I think it's the right thing to do 

There are other things to consider 

My recovery 

Before Christmas 

My meds were all over the place 

I was misusing them 

Using them to knock myself out 

I came clean to my doctor 

He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds 

And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist 

Yes 

It's a pain in the buttocks 

But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow 

So yea 

There is a lot going on

But that's life isn't it?

There's always something 

Bumps in the road 

It's just a matter that of keeping going 

Despite what life throws at you 

And look

Whatever happens 

I'll be around horses 

In one way or another 

I still visit my little white pony friend down the road

She is a total pet 

I've started bringing the dogs to see her too

And she is very curious to see the

Now when she sees me coming 

She greets me with a nicker 

And comes running over 

After three months of visiting her 

She has started to let me pet her 

Which is huge progress I think 

I had been given advice 

That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything 

So I decided to leave a note for the owner 

I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen 

And sellotaped it to the gate 

I went back the next day to check if it was gone 

And I found the pony eating it 

Go figure...

Anyway 

That's all that's happening in my little world 

Hopefully now I have more time 

I will get to blog and read more then I currently am

I wish you all a very happy new year 

And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017

By the way 

Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?

Yea 

Me too

Until the next post....