May

Hello friends

I don't know how many of you still check my blog

God knows I haven't been the best blogger

This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April

And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 

In some ways it seems like one hundred years 

In other ways it feels like five minutes

As you know well

Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 

You eat, sleep and breathe it

You think about it 

Talk about it 

Write about it 

It's like having a full time job with no days off

My own ED is in quite a good place 

I don't restrict 

And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 

It's a lot better than it was

It's the exception rather than he rule

But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy

When you begin to let it go

There is a huge void left 

And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well

For myself 

I tried many things to fill the void

Meds 

Religion

Meetings 

Shopping 

Stuff

But the only thing that really works for me 

Is being with and working with animals 

Namely my dogs  

Coco 

Horse riding 

And equine assisted therapy

I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 

And I have developed such a lovely bond with him

Two weeks ago

I got a head collar on him for the first time 

Which was a huge milestone 

And an indicator that he is starting to trust me

Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope

Also to pick up his feet

As he is seeing the farrier next week

It's a work in progress

But I am loving every second of it

Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To a happy cheeky little man 

He is full of fun

And never fails to make me smile 

We think he has a little crush on Lea

As he loves her 

And follows her everywhere 

It's so lovely to watch them together

Best buddies

In other news

I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 

And third week I did my first jump in canter!

Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 

I am loving riding at the moment 

And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling

I also start work at the end of the month

I must admit 

I feel very anxious thinking about it 

And feel like running in the opposite direction 

I will take it one day at a time 

And see how I go

There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 

To be honest I would rather take that work 

I'll know next week

So I'll make a decision then

What else?

Body image continues to be a battle 

I am now a very healthy weight

But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 

Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 

It's not easy 

And sometimes I think about restricting 

But I figure it is just not worth it 

I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than skinny and miserable 

And now I realise that it's not just about me

My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 

Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me

I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 

So I just wanted to check back in

And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction

If you are struggling 

If you are drowning 

If you feel like there is no hope for you

I am here to tell you this there is hope 

There is absolutely hope 

I am walking talking proof of that 

If you have read my blog

You will know the shit story was my life 

I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap

But now I know that I am a good person 

And in my own little way I am making a difference 

Spreading a message of hope and recovery 

Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 

And spare them some of the pain that I went through

For me

The trick was finding something that captured my attention 

And gave me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

A raison d'etre

Because when you find something you are passionate about 

Something that warms your heart 

Stimulates your mind 

And feeds your soul

Then that is worth living for 

That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok

I think of you often 

I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 

And I will neve forget you 

Please let me know if you are out there 

If you at reading 

Writing 

Let me know you exist 

Much love,

Ruby