July Update

Two months of work done now

About seven weeks to go

Over the last couple of weeks 

I've been struggling quite a lot 

Even though I try my best at work

I still feel like other people do it better than me

They seek to cope better

Be more confident 

More efficient 

And generally not capable than me

My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong

Which I guess is true 

But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok

I'm nearly 36 years old

And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok

I'm a bit of an odd ball 

And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 

Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 

I am fine one on one 

But in a group I have a social handicap 

That's me though 

It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 

Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 

And wanting them to like me

And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 

It shouldn't matter though 

I'm there to do a job

It's not a popularity contest 

It really shouldn't matter what people think of me

At all

I know I am trying my best at work

And that's all that matters

I find myself in this situation a lot

When I was doing my course 

I was convinced the others didn't like me 

But even after I left 

They still keep in contact 

So I was very wrong about that one!

Anyway 

In other news 

My car has been giving me huge problems 

I was driving in to the garage yesterday 

When a warning noise started 

And then smoke started coming out

I stopper immediately and got out 

But my car was on a narrow road 

So I needed to get it off the road 

My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 

Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road

The garage recovered my car in the afternoon

And it wasn't good news 

The clutch in it is bangjaxed

It will cost €800 to fix

I do not have that kind of money to hand 

So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 

Or to change my car for a better one 

It's stressful

As I need a car 

For work

To see Coco 

I need it for my freedom and independence 

So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week

About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 

How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 

How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life

It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 

Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues

We struggle with feeling not good enough

And generally find life tough

I look at some of the girls I work with 

Who are younger than me 

But seem so much more together than me

I struggle just to get to the starting block

So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me

Of course my life has not been straight forward 

And I have dealt with an awful lot 

I am happy just to be alive 

Anything else is a bonus

I am grateful to be where I am 

And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it

I go 2-3 times a week

And it's is just heaven 

Sitting in a horse 

Galloping down a beach

Doing little jumps 

It makes all the tough days worthwhile 

On Saturday 

Myself and a friend did a beach trek

 A two hour trek

I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 

Fionnuala was on Tom

Kate was our leader on Skippy

And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 

We walked down to the beach 

Then we spilt up

Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 

And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 

I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 

Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach

It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it

After that 

We went back up to meet the others 

And walked back to the centre through the fields

Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 

And were walking around like John Wayne 

The next day I was in pain 

But it was a good pain 

An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news

I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 

I feel a bit more ready now

And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 

But first things first 

I'm just concentrating on getting through work 

And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 

Thanks for reading 

And for being there..