Day 1: Operation Freedom

Last Friday when I saw Mary she suggested that I begin to take Ensures to supplement my diet and increase my ever dwindling weight
I was apprehensive at first as Ensures and  the like conjure up bad memories of being forced to drink them, hospital stays and just general unpleasantness
But after some thought I decided to talk to my doctor about it
I saw him on Monday
My blood tests came back normal but being the weird eating disordered person that I am, I was almost upset that they were normal
I guess I don't always believe that I have an ED and I look for evidence to show that I do
Does that make sense?
Anyway I brought up the subject of Ensures and he said that he has an issue prescribing them
He said people use them when they are 'too lazy to eat food'
Eh ok
He did prescribe them though
So I arrived home with 20 vanilla flavoured Ensures
But just bringing them in to my house doesn't magically make me gain weight
I actually have to drink  the things
Today, 5 days later I am still on my first one

I saw Mary again yesterday for a marathon 2 hour session
I was hoping to gain a bit or at least maintain but I lost another half kilo
I remember the buzz I used to get from seeing the number go down
But now I just feel sad, disappointed, guilty and slighlyt ashamed
Here I am
I have all this help and support and I'm throwing it all away
Throwing my life away
She immediately said that she would have to talk to my psychiatrist
It would be in his hands then
She said she can't enable my behaviour
She can't continue to treat me if I continue with this
She said that there is a team meeting next Wednesday and if things don't begin to improve before then, I may not be able to keep seeing her
I am seeing her again next Tuesday and I have to get the purging under control and at least maintain my weight
I though  that seemed like an overwhelming task
But as my mother pointed out I have been seeing Mary for over a year and I do know what to do
I can talk about recovery until I'm blue in the face but until I take action it's all futile
Nothing changes of nothing changes
For the first time ever she mentioned inpatient
She asked if I would be willing to go
The answer to that is that I just don't know
I didn't get any better in treatment
And in the end I still have to come home and face reality
But it's an option and it's something I will think about

Mary showed me a presentation about body image that she put together
Part of it was about body dysmorphia and bigorexia
This is the opposite to anorexia where a person believes they are too small  and want to be bigger
She showed me a photo similar to this one



I couldn't hide my shock when I saw it
And said 'That is crazy, does he not know what he looks like?'
Mary said that in his head he believes that his body looks good
She asked 'Do you not think that people think that when they look at you?'
I was stumped
It's true
Looking at a photo of an emaciated person is just as shocking as this photo
'But I look normal' I said
And I really do believe that
I know that I'm not fat
But I also know that I'm not emaciated
I am 8kilos heavier than my lowest weight ever
However I do accept that I don't see myself they way others do
But coming to terms with the fact that I have to regain weight terrifies me
I just can't comprehend it at the moment
I want to get well but -
There's always a but
Always a reason
An excuse
A reservation
Logically I know that I can't fully recover and stay at this weight
As hard as that is to realise, it's true

To make any headway at all I have to address the purging
It's so out of control that I am purging up to 10 times a day
I spend a fortune on food
I spend hours binging and purging
It's a horrible existence
And I say existence because it is not a life
It's a death sentence
So today is day one of Operation Freedom
I started this morning by having tea and half a slice of toast for breakfast
Then I went food shopping with my mother and managed not to buy binge food
That felt so good
Usually I go from shop to shop stocking up
Today I walked around the shop and felt strong enough to resist
I'm talking this bit by bit
Hour by hour
Meal by meal
I can't handle anything more than that
I have to be careful not to go to the other extreme and not eat at all
I have to make good food choices and eat regularly
And distract myself after eating
It's going to be tough
I am prepared for that
I just want to be able to go in to Mary on Tuesday and say ' I haven't purged since I last saw you'
That would just be magic

I got a text this week from a girl I was in treatment with
Since leaving treatment she has gained a lot of weight
Tried to kill herself numerous times
Been sectioned
Developed bulimia on top of anorexia
It was a stark reminder of where this illness can bring us
To the brink

A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between the ED and recovery, it's a choice between life and death
I'm going to choose life

In your dreams

I love sleeping
It's the only time my head is at peace
The voices are gone
The arguments cease
The constant tug of war is silent
I can slip away in to another time, another place
My dreams
I love dreaming too
It's like being in a movie
Anything could happen
Everything is possible
There are no limits
No boundaries
Imagination takes over and the lines between fantasy and reality are blurred

I remember when I was using I had the most intense dreams
They were so real that sometimes when I think back on that time I can't work out if an event really happened or if I dreamt it
I get plagued by night terrors from time to time
The first time I experienced them I was just home from a alcohol fuelled holiday in Spain
That night I went to sleep and had the most freakiest dreams
Nightmares that seemed so real
I remember trying to wake myself up but I felt like I was underwater and couldn't find my way to the surface
My mother heard me screaming and came in to wake me
I was so afraid that I actually slept beside my mother so she could wake me up if it happened again
I'm sure it was partly due to the amount of alcohol I drank and then the shock of having none at all
It has happened a few times since but never as bad as that night

I also have a recurring dream about once or twice a week
The dream can be different but my ex-boyfriend is always in it
There are always drugs in the dream and he always has them
In the dream I don't want to be around my ex but I want the drugs
Very rarely do I actually use drugs in my dreams but a lot of the time I'm trying to get them or someone else has them
I'm always so relieved when I wake up from the dream
Relieved that I am not back in my old life
I'm not quite sure why I dream about my ex so much
I have no feeling for him
I have no desire to see him or speak to him
He rarely pops in to my mind and yet he makes appearance after appearance in my dreams

I started going out with this boy when I was 16
I was in the local swimming club and he was a lifeguard
He had a reputation of being a drug user
That made him even more attractive to me
We started going out and from the get go drugs were involved
He was the one that introduced me to heroin
As we became addicted we became less like a couple and more like partners in crime
It was all about the drugs
I probably would've left long ago if I wasn't so dependant on him
It really was a sick relationship
I couldn't stand being around him of I was sober
I suppose at one point I did love him
Or thought I loved him
But over time the relationship fizzled out
And when I moved away and got clean I left him and  my old life behind
I know that he is now also on a methadone programme
Apart from that I know little else how he is doing

So I don't know why I have this dream over and over again
Maybe I feel that I have unfinished business with him
Maybe on some level I miss those days
Maybe it means something else

I do believe that our dreams mean something
Whether we know what that meaning is or not

Do you believe that our dreams have a meaning?
Do you have a recurring dream?

Little white lies

 I was inspired to write this post after reading a post Emily wrote over at Bulimia Girl
Her post was about the lies she tells to herself and others
So I decided to write about my own little white lies



Lying became a sort of career for me when I was addicted to drugs
I believed my own lies
With my ED lying and denial are part and parcel of the illness
Anorexia thrives on secrets and lies
I think a huge part of recovery is learning to be honest with ourselves and others
And that's really difficult
I've told some pretty huge lies in the past
Most of the time I told them for attention or because I was too ashamed to tell the truth
Sometimes lies are necessary though  but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone that's ok

At the moment I'm trying to be as  honest as I can with Mary
I'm seeing her for over a year now and it's only recently that I've started to really open up
It takes me a while to build trust with someone and I do completely trust Mary now
Guilt and shame are a big part of my ED
And these emotions fuel the lies I tell
I'm supposed to keep food records for Mary but I rarely complete them honestly
Even though I know she is pretty unshockable, I still feel incredibly embarrassed about my food and eating habits
I speak very openly with Mary now
Bit by bit I peel back the layers and let her in to my life
And it does pay off

So here are some of the lies I tell on a regular basis

'No, I'm not hungry at all'
She says even though she would eat her own toe nail clippings if the were seasoned

'No, I didn't take all my meds'
She says as drool dribbles down her chin

'No, I didn't eat my nephews Easter eggs'
In reality I ate them all
All four of them

'I'm fine'
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

'No, I didn't break the laptop'
When  really I spilled a cup of tea on it after falling asleep because I took too many tablets

'Yes, I did pay for these goods'

'No thanks, I don't want any pizza'
Yes I do
I really  do
I really, really do!

'No, I didn't burn that hole on the carpet'
I actually feel asleep with a smoke in my hand

'No, that wasn't me getting sick in the bathroom

To pharmacist: 'No, these enemas aren't for me, they're for my mother, yes she does know not to use them too often

'No I didn't get up in the middle of the night and eat all the biscuits'




'No, I don't think  that I'll ever use drugs again'

'No, I don't miss using'

'No, I'm not dizzy'
She says as she grabs the wall

Doctor: How often do you purge?
Me: Oh me? Just a couple of times a day, cough cough
More like a couple of times an hour

'Yes, I did eat breakfast'
Do biscuits count?

'Yes, I do intend on eating dinner'
I just don't intend on keeping it down

Someone: You look well Ruby
Me: Oh, thank you
In my head: Hate you, hate you, hate you, hate you.........

'Yes, I'm ready to come off the methadone'
Just not this week

'No, I didn't break the toilet'
That toilet is working overtime

'I have no idea why I'm losing weight'

'No, I don't weigh myself everyday'
Eh, yes I do, more like 5 times a day and keep a record of the number

'Yes, I do care about my health problems'

'Yes, I do intend on quitting smoking and no I'm not worried if I do I'll gain weight'
She says as she lights a smoke

'Yes, I do realise that I'm underweight'
In my head: I'm a big fat piggy

What lies do you tell, about your ED or anything else?

With every grief, joy repays

I saw Mary this morning
On my way in I met a girl
I used to work for her and her husband
I haven't seen this girl in years but I've run in to her 3 times in the last 2 weeks
I don't like it when I see her
When I worked for her and her husband I was incredibly ill
I used to purge in the staff bathroom
And do totally crazy things like take 2 euros from the till
2 euros
I have no idea why
So when I see her all these memories come flooding back
The guilt is overwhelming
2 euros
This girl and her husband were incredibly kind to me over the years I worked for them
They came to see me in hospital
Invited me to their kids birthdays
So when I got as far as Mary I was a mess
The words tumbled out of me
Mary let me speak and then calmly said
'Stop
Take a deep breath'
I tried to get a hold of myself

She weighed me which was unexpected as she doesn't usually weigh me twice a week
Down another half kilo from Tuesday
The days of getting a high from losing are long gone
Now I  just feel sad
She explained that I am at the BMI where she can no longer see me
That she should really refer me back to my psychiatrist
But she says she doesn't want to do that
She says she knows I can do this

She told me a story about a little girl
She spoke as if the story was about someone else but at the end she said 'I know this story is true because that little girl was me'
I won't share the story with you
I'm sure you understand why
When she finished speaking I burst in to tears
Big fat, salty, tears
She immediately apologised and said she didn't mean to upset me
But I wasn't upset about the story
It was actually a really hopeful story
I was totally disarmed that she had  shared something so personal with me
And she did because she thought it would help me

My father asked me last week if Mary ever gets frustrated with me
The short answer is no
Never
Not once
She is passionate about her work
Determined to help
But frustrated?
No

I came out of the session  feeling really emotional
I think I realised for the first time that someone really believes I can get well
Sees me beyond my ED
Is bending the rules to help me
I've seen umpteen counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary is definitely the exception rather than the rule
I came out emotional but also hopeful
Mary seems so convinced that recovery is possible for me
And she is an expert in her field
She sat with me for an hour and a half this morning and gently helped me write out goals for the week
Usually I write these goals and I have no intention of meeting or even trying to meet them
But today I took some time to write ones that are realistic

Before I saw Mary today, I had been planning to buy enemas
But when I came out I found that I didn't want them anymore
I'm not saying that I've had this amazing epiphany or any thing like it
I suppose I'm feeling more open to change
More open to doing the right thing

Weight loss is not making me happy
I read a blog yesterday and the bloggers UGW is the weight I am now
She probably thinks that she would gladly change places with me
But the truth is I would give my left arm for the life she has
She has a husband
Kids
A home
A life
A purpose
Reaching her UGW is not going to make her happier
All it means is that she now takes up less space
Nothing more

I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs
I can honestly say that I was the happiest when I was closer to 130lbs

Sometimes I think to myself 'I'll just have one more year of anorexia, go as low as I can go and then recover'
But the truth is that I might not have another year
I may have another round of my ED in me
But I do not have another recovery in me
I've been this way for 12 years
And recent events have proved that health problems do happen
I can't live this way and expect to get away with it
My body is hurting
Every time I stand up I have to grab the wall as I get so dizzy and my legs wobble
My energy is no existent
Everything is fuzzy
My mood is definitely effected
Everything is effected
It's killing me slowly

So I have a lot of work to do this week
Mary suggested that I get Ensures or Fortisips
I would rather not
I'll try eating more first and see how I go
I didn't buy binge food today
I'm going to try and eat 3 small meals
Also I'm going to start to improve my environment
My room for starters
I never open the curtains in my room so I'm going to now
I'm going to clean out my wardrobe
I have a shit ton of clothes
My weight changes so often that I keep clothes in every size known to woman
I need to get rid of my 'anorexic clothes'
That will be hard but it has to be done

Today I feel a sliver of hope
I feel like maybe all is not lost
That it's not too late
I'm afraid
I'm terrified that I'll fall flat on my face
But how will I know if I don't try
I want to be the Ruby I used to be
I liked her
This monster of an ED has almost crushed me
Almost broken my spirit
Almost but not quite

Today I feel grateful
For Mary and the impact that she has had on my life
Her words are ringing ears

'With every grief, joy repays'

Underneath your clothes

I've been thinking about how rarely I let my true self out
There are very few people who I am my true self around
I mean where I can just be me
Goofy
Sarcastic
Clumsy
Nerdy
Talkative
Cheeky

I can draw comparisons between my personality and the clothes I wear
On the outside I don't take any great risks with fashion
I wear mostly jeans and baggy jumpers
Safe and not very original but it's how I feel most comfortable
I have way too many pairs of jeans
Every colour
Every shape
Every size known to man
But underneath my clothes lies another layer
My underwear says a lot more about me than my outer clothes
It's colourful
Loud
Clashing colours
I wear little shorts
Orange with leopard print
Purple with stripes
I've never been a matchy, matchy type person
I never match my bra with my pants
I don't tend to wear regular bras
I love boob tube bras of different colours
And socks
I love a crazy pair of socks
I wear knee high socks all the time because my legs get cold
My favourite are stripy socks
I have about a million pairs
I always notice a man's socks
I think it says a lot about a person


My clothes are a lot like my personality
On the outside I blend in
I try to fit in
Be one of the crowd
Don't offend anyone
Don't upset anyone
I like to be liked
But peel back the outer layer and you will find that I'm far from normal
Not as safe and boring as you might think
Underneath there is a crazy chick
Only you won't get to see that until I feel really comfortable around you
It might take a while
It might take some work
But it's worth the wait
I promise you

What do your clothes or your underwear say about you?

Aim

I love this

It actually made me smile

Sometimes it feels it feels like life is playing a trick on me

To see how far it can push me

Ever since I was a child I had a feeling that something amazing was going to happen

That I had a purpose

A reason for being here

I haven't felt that feeling in a long time but sometimes something will happen that will remind me that I used to feel that way

I've always been told that I have a lot of potential

But what does that mean?

That I could so something great

Possibly

Maybe

Something is changing in me

I can feel it

I'm not quite sure what it is yet but it's definitely there

It's like there is a ball of energy inside me

I feel an urge to do something

To break out of my shell

I've gone so low that the only way surely is up

It has to be

I gained weight steadily all last year

Every time Mary weighed me I cried my heart out

I would've done anything to see the number go down

The minute I reached a healthy weight I started to lose it again

And now that the number is going down all I feel is numb

Indifferent

It means nothing anymore

I'm trying

I'm fighting

I'm hoping

I'm believing

I have faith

I want to get well

I want to be free of this thing

It was all a lie

An illusion

A cruel trick

Anorexia befriended me when I was vulnerable

I was an easy target

Not anymore

Not this time

Not this girl

Have you?

Have you ever woken up out of a dream only to be disappointed that you're still here?

Have you ever looked out your window at people and wished that you had one of their lives?



Have you ever almost had a nervous breakdown because you gained 2 pounds?



Have you ever gone so long without washing that your hair sticks to your head with grease and there is dirt caked underneath your finger nails?

Have you ever walked along a cliff and had to physically stop yourself from jumping off?

Have you ever caught someone looking at you and the look on their face says 'That girl is crazy'?

Have you ever eaten out of a bin?

Have you ever wondered if you are going insane?



Have you ever wanted to melt in to the floor because someone told you that you looked well?

Have you ever spun so out of control that you scare yourself?

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and not recognised yourself?



Have you ever spent so much time alone that you forget how to interact with others?

Have you ever thought back on an event in your life and can't worked out whether it was a dream or if it actually happened?

Have you ever looked at the clock and can't work out if it's 4pm or 4am?

Have you ever realise that you can't remember that last time that you laughed?

Have you ever felt so fucked up that you think all hope is lost?



Have you ever wished that you were seriously ill so at least you'd have a reason to feel so bad?

Have you ever sat in front of a therapist and thought 'You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through?

Have you ever listened to a song on repeat and cried every time?

Have you ever felt so alone in a room full of people?



Have you ever wished that someone would notice you, even just for a second?

Have you ever walked out a shop with a bag full of food without paying and half hoped that you would get caught?

Have you ever felt so cold that it gets in to your bones?

Have you ever felt like you can't connect with yourself never mind others?

Have you ever cut your own skin, just to see if you still feel?



Have you ever felt so angry and frustrated that you're still here?

Have you ever blinked and years have gone by?

Have you ever felt that your life is like a broken jigsaw and you can't for the life of you put the pieces back together?

Have you ever felt like you were destined for great things but you're too afraid to find out what they are?

Have you ever measured your self worth by the numbers on a scale, the smaller the number the better you feel?

Have you ever wondered what is the point?



Have you ever wished that no one cared so it would be easier to disappear?

Have you ever fantasized about the needle that you used to inject in to your neck?

Have you ever realised that the one thing you want is the one thing you can't have?

Have realised that you are hanging on for other people?

I have.....