Don't call me crazy: Part 3

The final episode of Don't call me crazy was on last night
I'm sorry that it's over now as I feel I've become so involved with the characters and I wonder how they are doing
I think this episode was the best of the 3
I'm not quite sure why
Maybe because the kids were getting used to having the cameras around
Maybe because it focused more on the kids characters and personalities rather than highlighting dramatic incidents
What ever the reason was I think it gave a good insight in to what goes on in the minds of people with mental health issues

This week the show concentrated mostly on the boys but also followed up Beth's story
First we met Matty
Matty was 17
He hears voices
One in particular which tells him that someone is going to kill him on his 18th birthday which was fast approaching
He was convinced he was going to die and was pre empting this by trying to take his own life before it happeneD
Can you imagine that?
Really believing that someone was going to kill you
He must have been terrified out of his mind
It doesn't bear thinking about
We saw his room where he had written down all the things he heard in his head
These voices seemed to plague him and we saw him sitting in the corridor banging his head and telling them to shut up



As his birthday grew closer and closer Matty became increasingly anxious
Also he wasn't sure where he was going to be as the unit were trying to get him transferred to an adult unit
In the end he was moved and turned 18 there
That will be a big adjustment moving from the adolescent services to the adult one and I hope he gets the support that he needs

Then we met George
George was described as being as talented rugby player who had won a sports scholarship to a prestigious boarding school in Cumbria
But since moving from his home in Essex he had fallen in to a deep depression and had tried to kill himself
He spoke very openly about his illness and was a very likeable chap
He clicked with Beth straight and you could tell they liked each other as they seemed to spent a lot of time hitting and throwing things at each other
He seemed very mature for his age and made the difficult decision not to return to boarding school as he felt that he would have more support at home




I thought it was so brave of the two boys to speak out
Especially George as he would have been in very male environment being a rugby player at boarding school
Men aren't seen as emotional creatures and are often told to 'suck it up' and 'be a man'
It easy to forget that they suffer with mental health issues just as much as girls and are more likely to commit suicide
I know in this country there is a huge problem with young male suicide
I think this particular episode will really help young men out there who are struggling
I hope it does anyway

Maybe these young people are signs that mental illness doesn't have as much of a stigma as it once had
I know it's still there but it is programmes like this and young people speaking out and giving mental illness a face that will really change the way people think about these issues
It shows that it can happen to anyone
And it doesn't mean you are crazy
It doesn't mean you are violent
It means you need some help and we need to come to a place where we feel comfortable asking for that help without fear of judgement or ridicule or being locked up

This episode also followed Beth as she prepared to leave the unit
After 6 long months of ups and down
Highs and lows
Being sectioned
And lots of tears, she was finally told that she was well enough to go home
She did have a little slip in her final days and self harmed but I think that was understandable
She must have been feeling anxious about leaving
I know any time I was leaving was always a shaky time
I wanted to leave but I was also terrified
Beth let the camera film her being weighed and we were told her weight
I thought this was amazingly brave of her
I think for us being weighed is an incredibly intimate thing
It's like bearing your soul
It was definitely a sign of her getting well
One thing that did worry me though was her  reaction when her sleeping meds were stopped
She became very upset and I wondered why
I think it concerned me because I get the same way when ever my meds are adjusted
And I for me that is partly due to my addiction
It didn't specifically say why she was so upset but I hope that she wasn't becoming dependent on them
At last her final day came
She was elated to be going home at long last but I could tell she was nervous
It's a huge adjustment leaving treatment
Going from having 24 hour support to being on your own is difficult
And the chance of relapse can be high
But it said that Beth was doing well even if she was struggling to maintain her weight
She was also told that she could return to her beloved dancing
I was glad of this
I didn't think it made any sense to take away the one thing that brought her joy

In this episode I think it gave the most realistic picture of what life is like in a place like this
It showed the kids messing around and laughing a lot
And there are a lot of laughs
There are many tears too but a lot of laughs
After all they are kids and kids want to have fun and get up to mischief
I liked that they concentrated to their personalities
It showed that we are much more than our illness
Underneath the labels and diagnosis, we are just regular people
We just happen to have mental health issues
Some people have diabetes or CF or a bad heart
Some people have the problem in their minds
It's no different
So why are we so afraid of mental illness?
Maybe it's because we only hear the horror stories of when someone is violent
But these are rare cases
Most of the time you wouldn't know that someone had a mental health issue
You would only know if they told you
We do not stand out
We do not act crazy
We are human too

Did you see this episode?
What did you think?

Anorexia V Bulimia

Gosh, Monday comes around so quickly
Too quickly
Even though I'm doing not very much, time seems to slip by so fast
It's a good thing and a bad thing
It means the world is still turning even though my life has come to a stand still
But it also means that the weeks are turning in to months and the months are turning in to years
I swear I blinked and 10 years went by
And I am still in this place where time has no meaning

I saw my doctor first thing
Notice I am saying 'my doctor' and not 'nice woman doctor'
Yes I have adopted her
Not officially of course,  I am still under my other doctor, only in my head
I finally decided to ask why my usual doctor has been out for so long
It turns out he has done his back in and needs surgery
Looks like he will be out for a while
She asks how I am
I tell her some but not all
She asks if the interruption to seeing my usual doctor has been stressful
I almost laughed when she said this because it has actually been the opposite
A fresh pair of eyes on the situation has helped I think
I tell that it hasn't been too stressful
That I find it easier to talk to someone I don't know than someone I do know
You can't disappoint someone that doesn't know you
After speaking for a while she tells me that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
I was a bit blown away that she shared that with me
I wanted to ask loads of questions but I held back and just asked her if she had recovered
She had
I was glad
Maybe it's this reason that she is taking my case so seriously
She really listens
I can tell because she stops writing and turns and looks directly at me
She often tells me not to beat myself up about things
I need to hear that
I seem to beat myself up about the littlest things
And my ED thrives on that
On guilt and shame
I leave feeling hopeful
And you know what?
I don't even know this doctor's name
And I don't really want to know
I just like to think of her as a kind stranger

I wrote on Friday about wanting to address the purging and it was one of my goals for this week
Friday went ok
I purged once
But in my eagerness to stop I seem to be going to the other extreme
All of a sudden I am afraid to eat and even drink because I don't want to purge
Yesterday was not a good day
I went the whole day without eating and drank only a small amount of water
I don't know about you but when I stop eating I get really hyper
I'm like an energiser bunny
Talking non stop
Moving in fast forward
I actually became afraid last night because I couldn't calm down and forced myself to eat some tea and toast
I don't know why it is although I'm sure there is a biological reason for it
I really don't like it though
I feel so out of control

It bothers me greatly that I seem to bounce from one extreme to the other
All or nothing
Black or white
Too much or not enough
I don't seem to have grasped the concept that there is a whole grey area in between
A balance
A happy medium
I don't fit neatly in the the label of anorexic or bulimic
I think what I have lies somewhere between the two
On any given day I could be one or the other
I guess you could call it anorexia with binge purge sub type
I seem to have the worst traits of both conditions
The rigidity and inflexibility of anorexia and the impulsiveness of bulimia
It's confusing to say the least
But I think probably not too many people meet all the criteria for any illness

I mentioned on Friday that I have become bored of my ED
And I have
I am boring myself
Talking about it
Thinking about
Everything about it
She is like a friend that I've outgrown but won't take the hint and go away
I think it's a good thing though
It doesn't have the same mystique that it once had
Now it's just like a job
A mind numbingly repetitive job
I work hard all week restricting and exercising
And at the end of the week I expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
My weight continues to drop and I continue to not give a shit

I asked my mother this morning if I am going crazy because I really thought that I was this weekend
She said no
She said that yes I am sick but not crazy
Do you ever feel like that?
That along with the weight you are losing your mind?
Losing my mind scares me a lot more than losing my body
I can handle physical pain
Give me it over emotional pain any day of the week
The thought of losing my mind terrifies me
It doesn't bear thinking about

Today I am trying to strike a balance with food
And not err on the side of caution too much
I have no idea  what to eat or how much
Like a child I need to relearn healthy food habits
But it can be done
I know it can
Recovery is possible
It's not something that only happens in books and films
People can and do get better
Yes, it will be unimaginably hard and I will want to tear my hair out
But it will be worth it
I haven't come throught the horrors of heroin addiction on for my ED to kill me
To be free of this thing would be life changing
I have to believe that
Other wise I will completely crack up and really will go insane

Are you like me?
Do you find it hard to strike a balance with food?
Answers on a postcard please?

Supersize V Superskinny

I watched Supersize V Superskinny this week
It was on Thursday night although I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a new episode
For those of you that don't know this show, it takes one very overweight person and one very underweight person and brings them in to what they call 'The feeding clinic'
Basically they swap diets
The show also does segments about people living with obesity and it's consequences and also people living with eating disorders



I have a bit of an issue with this programme but I feel compelled to watch it
For a long time I couldn't understand the reasoning behind getting these people to swap diets
Surely that is just switching from one unhealthy diet to another and how does that help?
How is that healthy?
The underweight people end up eating masses of high fat, high sugar foods and the overweight people end up eating a very restricted diet
And they don't actually explain why they are doing this
But then it hit me why they could be doing this
Maybe it's because the person sees a mirror image of themselves and what they eat
They are sitting across a table from some one eating what they usually eat
So they get to see how excessive or restrictive their diets really are
I know if I had to look at someone eating my diet, I would be concerned for them
When it's me it's ok, but someone else doing it I can see how unhealthy it is

This week we met Jo, a young mum who weighed 21 stone
And Ross, an engineer who stands at 6 feet tall and weighs a meagre 8 stone 11 pounds
The difference between the 2 of them was startling
They were on opposite ends of the same spectrum
Both had incredibly unhealthy diets
Too much and not enough



At the start of the show Dr Christian sent Jo over to the states to meet someone who he felt Jo could end up like
She travelled to Georgia to meet a woman who weighed 38 stone
Like Jo she was a mum of young kids and was finding it increasingly difficult to manage everyday tasks
Jo could relate to her a lot and acknowledged that she was heading the same way

Back in the UK Jo and Ross enter the feeding clinic and swap diets
Jo's potions are huge and she is a serial snacker
Ross goes the whole day without eating and when he does it is just a chocolate bar
Both of them struggle greatly but they carry on and manage to get through the week
At the end of the week they are given their own meal plans to take home
3 months later they return to give an update
Ross looks so much better
It's obvious he has filled out and his face has colour and his eyes are brighter
He managed to gain an impressive 15 pounds and it really suited him
Jo did well too
She lost well over  a stone and looked a lot healthier



Emma Woolf did  a segment on the show
She is a journalist and is recovering from anorexia
You may remember a post a did a few months ago about her book An apple a day which recounts her journey in to recovery
On this show she was investigating whether anorexia is inherited
She spoke to a professor who said that recent studies show that people with anorexia's brains are slightly different to that of people who don't have it
This means that some of us are more susceptible to developing it
This is ground breaking and may help with the treatment of anorexia
Emma spoke to a girl who had grown up watching her mother battle anorexia
The girl also developed an eating disorder but she believes that it was the environment that she grew up in that caused it, rather than her inheriting it
It's an interesting argument
I believe that like addiction our genes can make us more vulnerable but it alone can not cause an eating disorder
I think an eating disorder is born out of a mixture of nature and nurture
I am the only one in my  family to have developed an ED
All my siblings and I were brought up the same way so I can't blame that
Genetics may have loaded the gun but circumstances and environment coupled with plain bad luck pull the trigger
Some people turn to drink or drugs or gambling
And some people stop eating or start purging
They are all different ways to coping
Of hurting ourselves
Of escaping

I have to admit that watching this show can be really triggering
They mention weight a lot and I invariably end up comparing myself to the skinny people
And they do seem to be in their underwear a lot through out the show which I think is un neccesary
They are obviously trying to shock us by showing us extremes
I'm pretty sure that the underweight people do not have eating disorders
Yes, they have an unhealthy relationship with food but they could not be labelled anorexic or bulimic
They know that they are underweight
They are not losing weight on purpose
They just have bad eating habits and losing weight has been a side effect

I truly believe that I could just as easily be over weight
I could be anywhere on the spectrum between skinny and obese
My weight is constantly changing
At my highest weight I was about 130lbs
A perfectly healthy weight for my height but it didn't suit me
I take after my mother and have a small frame
So any extra weight at all really stands out on me
I'm probably at my most comfortable at around 115 - 120 lbs
Although the thought of gaining that weight is terrifying

So yes, now I can see why they get these people to swap diets
There is a method to thier madness

What about you?
Have you seen this show?
What do you think about it?

Meal by meal

I saw Mary this morning
She asks how I am
I tell her how tired I am all the time
That I can't get through the day without a couple of naps
How I feel my motivation is in the toilet, literally
That I have no fight left in me
'You know why that is' she says
I do
I do know
I seem to be in denial though
She asks to see my food monitoring records
I reluctantly show them to her
There's nothing of any substance and if there is it is purged
And to be honest my records are not entirely honest
I add in food here and lie about purging there
But even with my censoring, she still thinks it is a huge problem
She brings up inpatient again
She says that if this is not working then we have to try something else
She can't continue to enable me and she feels that is what she would be doing
I tell her that I don't want to go in to treatment
'What are you willing to do to not have to go then?'

I explain how my thinking is skewed
That the sick part of me wants to feel bad and doesn't want to feel good
Feeling good is so alien to me that I don't know how to handle it when I do feel good
Although these days I rarely feel good
Feeling weak and tired is not particularly nice but it is familiar
It's safe
Feeling good or happy is uncharted territory for me
Part of me feels that I don't deserve to be happy
That I should suffer
Why?
I'm not entirely sure
I'm reading a book called The Anorexic Experience
It talks about how people with anorexia often deny themselves what they need
Not just food but other things like taking care of yourself or heat or fun
At first I couldn't relate to this at all but then I got thinking
I often deliberately keep myself cold
Like if I am the only person in the house, I won't turn on the heat because it's only me and I don't deserve to be warm
Can any of you relate to that?
I don't do nice things for myself for the same reason
It's as if I am not good enough for these basic human rights

I have another appointment with Mary next Tuesday and she said that if things haven't started to move in the right direction she will have to consider other options
So she asked me to make 3 goals that are manageable by Tuesday
So my goals are -

1. - Not to purge
2. - Eat 3 small meals everyday
3. - Keep proper monitoring records

Sounds simple enough doesn't it?
But I would rather climb Mount Everest in a bikini and I would probably have more success
I really don't want to have to go to treatment though and that is motivation to at least try

I explain to Mary how I think that I'm not that bad
That I've been in worse states than this before
However I also thought this when I was addicted to heroin
I thought there were people in worse positions than mine
But I guess it's all relative
Yes, I am not at my lowest ever weight but as I truly believe that weight is not an indicator of how sick we are
It's hard though not to slip in to the way of thinking that it is
And I have to remember that this is not my first rodeo
This has been going on for well over a decade
I am a few years older than a lot of you and I have to remember that
I don't have the luxury of time
I remember my birthday last year
 Suddenly I panicked at the thought of losing another 10 years to this illness
I rang a treatment centre and was motivated to change
I don't quite know what happened but I fell in to a rut and am still there
Years of abusing myself is starting to catch up on me
My body is hurting
It's tired and drained and cold and frail
When I came out of the session I poke to my mother
I said to her what I said to Mary, that I'm not that bad
'Ruby you are '  she said 'You look sick'
She said that yes, I have been a lower weight but now I am so entrenched in these behaviours that it seems I am getting worse
I'm not getting any better that's for sure

Yesterday my mother and I went to visit my neighbour in hospital
She is in her sixties and up until very recently was in good health
But she has gone down hill rapidly and having avoided going to the doctor for a long time, she is now in a bad way in hospital
I panicked a little bit when I realised that she was in the same ward  that I was in back in March
When I saw her I got such a shock
She was lying in bed and she looked like she had aged 10 years
This was a woman who was full of life
A true Dub (person from Dublin) with a great sense of humour
She always said exactly what she thought and I guess you would consider her a bit fiery
Fiercely independent
But I loved that about her
She seemed to recognize us but she was making very little sense
As we held her hands she she started to cry
It was heart breaking
I came out of there feeling quite upset
It suddenly hit me that that will be all of us someday
We're all going to get old and die and it will come sooner than we think
It made me think about how life is not a dress rehearsal
We don't get a second chance to do things properly
It made me think how much I am missing while in this state
I've already lost so much
My independence
My friends
Job
Education
Peace of mind
Sanity
Happiness
Health
Do I really want to lose any more?
Possibly my life?

A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between recovery and my ED, it's a choice between life and death
I think this is so true
Living with an ED is choosing death
It's choosing not to live
For me it is anyway
My mother asked me today was I afraid when I was admitted to hospital in March with pancreatitis
The  truth is I wasn't
I wasn't afraid of death
I was more afraid of life
I'm 'living' in a bubble at the moment
Nothing comes in and nothing goes out
Everyday is the same
I get through the day only to start again the next day
I get through the week only to start a new one
Nothing happens
Nothing changes
It's like ground hog day
The same day over and over again
I'm so very tired of it
So bored of it
My ED  has become monotonous and boring
I'm over it

I remember when I gave up drugs I was motivated
I had sunk so low that I couldn't go any lower
I had a fire inside me that motivated me
And when I'm determined to do something there is no stopping me
Drugs are similar to EDs but the do differ a bit
With drugs I could walk away from my old life
From old friends
From my town
From the drugs
I moved across the country and started over
With an  ED it's not that simple
I can't cut food out of my life
Well I could but that would defeat the purpose
I have to learn to deal with food and that is the hard part

I know that if I put in half the energy in to recovery that I do in to my ED, then I would be well on my way
I guess it boils down to how much do I want this
I am in two minds and I can't seem to make a decision and stick to eat
I want to want to get well if that makes sense

So I'm going to try
I'm going to fight
Even if my only motivation is to stay out out of hospital
That's ok
Whatever helps
I'll have to take it day by day
Meal by meal
This shit has to stop
And it stops today

Don't call me crazy: Part 2

The second part of 'Don't call me crazy' was on last night
It follows a year in the life of adolescents in the McGuinness unit in Manchester which is an inpatient unit for teenagers with mental health issues
This week the documentary focused on 3 stories
Beth 17, who we were introduced to last week
She suffers with anorexia and depression
Crystal 14, who sees people and animals who aren't actually there
And Gillian 17, who we also met last week
She suffers drastic mood changes and was considered a danger to herself

Beth

Last week we saw Beth really struggling

As I said in the last post, as first I thought that Beth was not that bad and some comments that you left said the same thing

A couple of days later a friend of Beth's left a comment on my blog saying that Beth in fact had been on a medical ward before she was admitted to the unit to stabilise her weight

Refusing to eat or to be weighed, Beth was threatened with being sectioned

Beth thought that they were only trying to scare her

But they did in fact section her

This now meant that they could force her to eat

Beth started to make slow progress

She started going in to the dining room and eating with others

She made an appeal to get her section overturned

Unfortunately it was turned down and she was deemed too sick

I don't know if Beth self harmed before she came to the unit but she started to

In fact it seemed that all the girls there did

Beth described how all the bad feelings and thoughts went away as the blood trickled out

Even though Beth was in the grip of this illness, her personality still shone through

She was bright and bubbly and so pretty

Her friend that commented on the last post said that Beth is now home and doing well

She has returned to her beloved dancing and is going on holiday soon

I hope and pray that she can over come this although I know chances of relapse are high

Maybe the fact that there was an early intervention will stand to her

I hope so

Then we were introduced to Crystal

At 14 Crystal was the youngest on the unit

She spoke frankly about how she could see people and animals

We saw pictures she had drawn of them

They included a little girl and also rats

She gave them names like 7 and 24

So called because they were there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

She said the voices told her to do things

That she was afraid of some of them

Crystal was adopted when she was 4 having been abused at home

It was at this age that she first began to see and hear things

She settled in to her new home but the characters didn't go away

She described how the voices told her to kill her adopted father

Tests were done and Crystal was deemed not to be psychotic and not a danger to herself or others

Her doctor explained that at the age of 4 she had invented a fantasy world to help her cope

She imagined this world so she could also choose to not see them

Crystal was discharged

She is now back at school and doing well

We first met Gillian last week when she escaped the unit and took an overdose

She suffers with drastic mood swings and struggled to control her anger

For a lot of her stay she was being held in the acute part of the unit

It was distressing to see her being restrained and it happened quite often

Gillian had not spoken to her mother in 6 months and this was causing her a lot of distress

Eventually though they did make contact and her mother started to come and visit her

This seemed to be a turning point for her and she began to make progress

Gillian

I thought that the documentary was good

It gave a good insight in to different mental health issues

However I would have liked to have learned more about their back stories

Especially Beth

She seemed to have everything going for her

She was pretty, outgoing and smart

How did she fall prey to this cruel illness?

And I firmly believe that for everything we do, there is a reason

We don't starve ourselves for no reason

There's always an explanation

We also don't starve ourselves because we are vain and want to be thin

It's not that simple

It runs much deeper than that

Restricting and the pursuit of thinness masks a whole host of issues beneath the surface

I wonder what happened to Beth that compelled her not to eat?

And it doesn't have to be this big traumatic event that triggers an eating disorder

More often than not it is a series of little events or triggers

For me it was a combination of things

I was unhappy at home

I was a dancer and swimmer so my body was exposed a lot

I remember every comment anyone ever made about my weight or shape

They are all filed away at the back of my head under the heading 'Reasons to hate myself'

The seeds of my eating disorder were sewn long before I stopped eating

Our experiences, especially as children, mould us in to the person we are today

We look for ways to cope and unfortunately sometimes these methods are unhealthy

Also it was a bit unsettling watching kids who were at their most vulnerable

Yes, it's important to raise these issues and get people talking

Mental health is still something that is whispered rather than spoken about openly

We like to pretend that it's not there

But the reality is that one on four of us suffer from some form of mental health

We don't feel uncomfortable talking about diabetes or a broken arm

So why do we have such an issue about talking about our mental health?

So any of us are suffering in silence

Too afraid to open our mouths

Too worried about what others will think of us

Anxious that people won't understand and think that we are crazy

Talking about it is so important

It's vital

Keeping it all in is exhausting and draining

And it does leak out in other ways

I thought that some of the footage was unnecessary
It showed graphic images of the results of self harm and I'm sure that triggered some people massively
Also showing young people being restrained was uncomfortable to watch
The documentary focused on all the dramatic incidents and failed to show that most of the time nothing happens and people are generally very bored
It did show some of the girls having  fun but I don't think it accurately described the strength of the bond you form with other patients

I have huge admiration for the young people that were in this documentary

They showed huge courage for speaking out

They also gave these conditions a face and I think that's so important

Did you watch this documentary?

What did you think of it?

The doctor dilemma

As you know Monday is doctor day for me
My morning did not start well as before I had even left the house I managed to break a plant pot and fall down a set steps
But that's Mondays for you
My own doctor has been out sick for the last month and I was hoping he was still off
Partly because the last time he saw me he said that the next time he sees me he's going to reduce my methadone but mostly because I wanted to see the nice woman doctor that's filling in for him
Just as I sit down in the waiting room and look for something to read I hear my name called
I follow the nice woman doctor in to her office and apologise for being late
I notice she has my prescriptions in front of her already filled
Very efficient
I always make my appointment first thing in the morning so I avoid having to wait and usually my own doctor spends the first 5 minutes turning his computer on
She first asks me how the dizziness is
I am honest and tell her that it has improved
However I leave out the fact that I haven't taken the blood pressure meds she prescribed last week
Bad Ruby
She tells me that my blood tests came back normal
If I were a sane and rational person (and I'm not) I would be happy about this
But part of me finds it disappointing when nothing wrong is found
I guess a part of me wants something to blame this on
And not always believing that I have an eating disorder, I look for other signs for proof
Does that make sense?

Then she asks how my mood is
I tell her that I can't really tell but I don't think it's great
I explain how I have pulled away from my friends and am becoming increasingly isolated, not leaving the house very much
'What do you like to do' she asks
I tell her that I used to dance but haven't done in over a year
I mention that I walk my dogs and I write a little bit
She picked up on the writing straight away and asks me if I have heard of 'The Artists Way'
I have
It's a book written by Julia Cameron
It's a kind of self help book to help you tap in to your creativity
The book was written to help people with creative artistic recovery
It teaches techniques to assist people in gaining in self confidence in harnessing their creative talents and skills
I first heard about the book when I was in hospital the first time
A girl there recommended the book to me but I never followed it up
It's actually the second time in the last couple of days that this book popped up in my life and being a girl that likes to think that the universe sends me signs, I'm thinking of getting it
Nice woman doctor explained one of the exercises called Morning Pages
This involves waking up in the morning and before you do anything else, you take out 3 pages and just write
It can be anything
A stream of consciousness
Nice woman doctor said 'Even if all you write is fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck'
It's not what you write
It's to get all the negative thoughts building up in your head out of your head and on to paper
You don't read it back
You rip it up and throw it away
I really like this idea so I'm going to give it a go
She also told me about a workshop on The Artists Way that's on in my area next month
Another sign?
I like to think so



Nice woman doctor is a breath of fresh air
Usually when I mention low mood, meds are promptly changed and dosages increased
She said that meds do have their place but it's important to address behaviour too
How refreshing
I really like her and her approach
I think with my own doctor I've gotten in to a bit of a rut
As I've said before, we rarely talk about medical issues and often end up talking about random things
I've seen him every week for the last 8 years and the more I get to know him, the harder I find it to talk to him
I mentioned this to my father during the week and he said that my doctor is so used to me and the way that I am, that my behaviour has become 'normal'
That's very possible
I remember at the eating disorder conference my mother spoke about how my disordered behaviour has become normal
And it has
People around me are so used to me being this way, that it's not seen as different or abnormal
So maybe it's the same with my doctor
Maybe he is so used to me being this way that he doesn't question it anymore
Maybe having a fresh pair of eyes on the subject has been helpful

The thought occurred to me that maybe I should change from my usual doctor to nice woman doctor
My doctor is a lovely man and I know that he means well but I feel that me may becoming complacent
I don't know if it makes a difference that this other doctor is a woman and may be more tuned in to the emotional side of things
I guess it was just little things
Like when I was speaking about my mood, she faced me and looked me in the eye and really listenen
My own doctor barely looks up from his computer
I am reluctant to change because he has been very good to me
But is that a good enough reason to stay?
Out of loyalty?
Anyway it's something to think about

What do you think?
If you were me would you change?