Ana in Achill

Day 6 here on Achill Island
Day 6 without a scale
It has been both a blessing and a curse
A blessing because when I don't know the number, it can't effect my mood and can't either make or break my whole day
And a curse because not knowing is driving me bananas
There was a scale in the pharmacy that I was in yesterday but it was just too public a place to do something that I consider to be quite intimate
I feel bigger
I feel like I am taking up more space
I don't like it
I will really have to prepare myself for the worst when I weigh myself at home on Sunday

I've taken a lot of photos here and I put some of myself up on my last post
The minute I had it posted I regretted it
In my eyes I don't look like someone with an ED
I'm not particularly thin
I'm normal
Average
Healthy looking
I feel like a fraud
An anorexic imposter
A wannabe
It makes me want to lose more weight
Almost to prove that I have an illness
You know the way some people look really skinny but weigh quite a lot?
Well I think that I'm the opposite
My weight is on the low side but I actually look a lot bigger

I swear I am so sick of talking, writing, thinking about my weight
I am starting to bore myself
And I'm sure my poor mother is sick to death of me asking her if I've gained weight
I hate being so self obsessed
So bloody self absorbed
I should really get a hobby and start obsessing over something that is at least interesting
I am over this ED
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
Why can't I just let it go
This love affair I've had with anorexia/bulimia is way past it's sell by date
It went sour a long long time ago
I'm trying to let her go but she is clinging on for dear life (or death)
Being away this week has reminded me that there is a whole world out there
That the world does not revolve around me and my ED
I am not that important
I am not that special
I am but a tiny speck in this vast universe

I have laughed a lot this week and that felt good
I've gone for years at a time without laughing and it's easy to forget how good it feels
I think once you start to feel a little better, you realise how miserable you really were
I don't really have a life to speak of
I have cocooned myself and cut myself off
Living like a virtual recluse
It's time to take a leap of faith
To smash the glass box that I am living in
Break free of anorexia and bulimia
I don't have the luxury of time any more
I'm not 19 any more
Technically I am a woman but even saying that feels completely foreign to me
I cringe at the thought
I am still a little girl that never grew up
Never blossomed
It 's time
Time to take a chance on life
What have I got to lose?
There is nothing more this illness can take from me apart from my life
But I would rather die young than live the rest of my days like this
The thought is unbearable

This relationship with my ED is one of love and hate
I can't live with it and I can't live without it
It's like being in an abusive relationship
Like an abuser anorexia/bulimia grooms us and lures us in with false promises of happiness
We believe her and willingly follow her
She sounds so kind and sincere
Like she she really wants to help us
At first she is sweet as can be
She promises us that if we follow her rules we will be thin and pretty and popular
Who can pass up an offer like that?
But once we begin to trust her and once we are captive, she shows her true colours and how evil she really is
A sweet whispering voice now gives way to a mean and nasty one
She doesn't ask anymore, she demands
She shouts insults at us all say long
We are never good enough
And also like in a abusive relationship, it is next to impossible to get out
Even though we are miserable we go back to her time and time again
Because we believe that the next time will be different
Because it is familiar
Because we know no other way
I am trying to break free of this thing but it is harder than I ever thought
But every time I do the right thing and disobey anorexia, she gets a little bit weaker
I believe that I will never be completely free from her
Much like drugs you can manage the problem but there is no cure

Anyway, I digress
Here's some more snaps of Achill

Anyone for tennis?

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Happy Birthday Oisin!

Traffic jam in Achill

Welcome to Achill!

This week away with my family is confirming what I've always believed
That we are stone mad
Individually we are quite mad but when we all get together the madness is magnified
And all without a drop of alcohol
But you know what?
I love it
I love that we all talk over each other
No one listening to any one else
I love that we get each others sense of humour when no one else would
I love that we are probably the worlds clumsiest family
That we regularly fall down, trip up, walk in to doors and panes of glass
I love that we slag each other mercilessly
That no one takes themselves too seriously
I love that my Dad seems to live in a world of his own and is always two steps behind the rest of us
I love that my nephew keeps us young and on our toes
I love that deep down we are all a bunch of dorks
No room for cool in this family
I love that we only have to look at each other to know what the other is thinking
That we can't stay mad at each other of long
I love that I can just be myself without fear of judgement
That I can be disordered without anyone passing comment or getting angry
Of course there are times when my family gets on my last nerve
When I literally want to kill them
When they molly coddle me and are over protective
When they treat me like a child
But I know it comes from a place of love
Yes, we are strange
Yes we are a bit mad
Yes, we make no sense a lot of the time
But I wouldn't have it any other way

My nephew Oisin

Mum and me

We are family

Oisin pretending to be dead

Little women

Don't know what my mother is doing in the right of this photo

Achill Island

My family and I are in Achill Island for the week
Achill is an island off the west coast of Ireland
We are renting a holiday home and I thought I'd be allowed bring the dogs but it turns out that we can't
So my first job this morning was dropping the dogs off at the kennels
I hate leaving them but the kennels are amazing and the owners are so nice to them so that eases my mind a bit
After that we piled all our things in to my father's car and we set off for the wild west

3 hours later and we arrive in Achill Sound, the village where we are staying
We find our house and got settled in
Fast forward 2 hours and the parental unit are already driving me nuts
Note to self: Going in holiday with parents that are separated might not be such a good idea
Thank God my sister and nephew are coming tomorrow
We got off to a great start when my father inadvertently stole the neighbours deck chairs and set them up outside our house
In fairness though, he thought they were ours (that's his story and he's sticking to it)
Next task, figure out how the tv works
Question: How many people does it take to tune in a tv?
Answer: 2. One to try her best and the other to tell her how she should be doing it

We then went food shopping which is a minefield in itself
As ever food is a problem
The first thing I did when I came in to house was check the bathroom situation
My room has it's own bathroom so that is going to be tricky
Good for bulimia
Bad for Ruby
So far today has been purge free and I'm going to try and keep it that way
I had a 1kg gain the other day and I'm trying hard not to let it completely mess me up
I'll have no scales for a full week here (and yes I did consider bringing them but decided against it)
Unfortunately my going on holiday does not mean that my ED takes her own holiday
Oh no
Even though I told her she was not welcome here, she decided to tag along anyway
An unwelcome guest
And I know that she will do her best to ruin this week for me
She will be there, whispering in my ear
Telling me I'm fat and ugly and worthless
There is nothing I can do about that
It is what it is
I just have to be strong and do the right thing

Anyway it's the end of the day
We made it here in one piece and without killing each other
The tv is fixed
The deck chairs are back in their rightful place
Everyone is fed and watered
All is well

For now......

Our little house for the week

The parental unit

My room

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I was wondering about you?
If you went on holiday this summer how did you manage?
Have you any tips or advice for me for the coming week?

Banged up Abroad

The media in this country has been dominated by one story for the last 10 days and it's one that I have a lot of interest in
Michaela McCollum Connolly was a 20 year old from Co. Tyrone in northern Ireland
She was a dancer and part time nightclub host
She was spending the summer on the island of Ibiza



Last week Michaela seemed to go missing
Her family hadn't heard from her in 9 days, her phone was turned off and there was no acivity on her Facebook account at all
They launched a desperate search to find her
There was nothing for  days but then she appeared
In Peru
She had been arrested along with another girl called Melissa Reid 19, on suspicion of trying to smuggle cocaine out of the country
The drugs were hidden in food packaging in their luggage
They were arrested at the Air Europa desk as they prepared to board a flight to Madrid and then on to Palma in Majorca
They were carrying a total of 10.8kg between them worth about 1.7million euros




The girls protested their innocence and in an interview claimed that they had been forced to carry the drugs by a gang
They claimed that they didn't know that there were drugs in the food packages
At the moment they are being held in a police station but they will be moved to prison of they are found guilty

I happened to see a documentary this week about cocaine production in Peru
It is one of the biggest producers of cocaine in the world
Farmers grow the coca plant like it is just another crop like corn
It's a way for a farmer to provide his family with everything they need which they otherwise wouldn't be able to do
Stacey Dooley presented this documentary and it was very informative
Cocaine is big business in Peru
And along with the drugs come violence and gangs
The problem is so big that the police can't possibly keep up

Michaela and Melissa's court date is next week and they are expected to plead guilty
But they could be facing up to 25 years in prison most likely Santa Monica prison in Lima, a notorious women's prison
The prisons over there are nothing like the prisons here which are practically hotel room standard
The prisons in South America do not have sanitary conditions
They will be lucky if they get a bed, if not they will be sleeping on the floor in close proximity to dozens of other prisoners
The food is vile
The place is as miserable as can be
Hopefully they won't be targeted but they could well be given a hard time by other inmates
Imagine spending 25 years in these conditions

An Irish priest based in Peru called Fr Foley spoke about how the girls are in for a rough time once they transfer to prison
'Prisons in Peru are very very spartan' he explained
'Very often prisoners have to sleep on the floor, with only a piece of cardboard between them and the ground'

I can only imagine what these girls are going through right now
Whether they did this willingly or were coerced in to it, either way their lives are now changed for ever
It's all too easy to judge and question' What were they thinking?'
But they were young, naive and vulnerable and probably didn't fully realise the magnitude of what they were doing
This no excuse though
They committed a serious crime even if it was under duress

If you've ever seen Banged up Abroad, you will be familiar with these stories
It's terrifying what can happen after a lapse in judgement
Their lives will never be the same again
It must like a nightmare for them
They are all alone is a foreign country where they don't understand the language
I count my blessings today
As bad as things are they could be a whole lot worse and I am grateful for that

Black Swan

I never sleep well on a Sunday night for a number of reasons so last night I was hunting through the house for Dvds to see me through the night as painless as possible
I was looking for something undemanding like a rom-com but then I stumbled across Black Swan
I have seen it before but it was in hospital so you can forgive me for  not giving it my full attention
I was hesitant as first to watch it for a couple of reasons
The number one being that I find it really hard to watch dancing
Not because it is triggering (although it can be)
But because I find it upsetting to watch others do what I wanted to and should have done
If things had gone differently in my life, I would have persued a career in dance
If not dancing itself, then teaching
So watching others do it makes me sad and envious and angry

I'd forgotten how good this film is
I'm sure most of you have seen it but if not Black Swan is a dark psychological thriller directed by Darren Aronofsky
The plot revolves around a production of Tchaikovsk's Swan Lake ballet by a prestigious New York company
The production requires the chosen ballerina to preform the role of the innocent and fragile White Swan, for which the committed dancer Nina is a perfect fit, as well as the dark and sensual Black Swan, which are qualities embodied by new arrival Lily
Nina puts massive pressure on herself to compete for the role and her quest for perfection which ultimately causes her to lose her tenuous grip on reality and her dream begins to turn in to a living nightmare



As the pressure on Nina mounts, she begins to hallucinate and she also self harms
When I saw the scene of her feet either side of of a toilet bowl I figure that shehad bulimia also
I can't think of any other reason why they would show that
Nina is haunted by Lily who she thinks is trying to replace her
The night before her debut performance, Lily takes Nina out drinking and gives her pills
Later we see them having sex but when Nina wakes up in the morning Lily has vanished
Nina descends in to a world where she can't distinguish what is real
She is terrified but determined to perform than night

During the performance she hallucinates during a lift and falls
In her dressing room comes to tell that she will be dancing the rest of the performance
Nina cracks and shoves her in to  a mirror, smashing it
She stabs Lily with a shard of glass
Panicking, she hides Lily's body in the bathroom and continues with the show
At last she manages to conquer the character of the Black Swan and she finishes the first act to thunderous applause
But by this stage she seems to have completely lost her grip on reality



She goes back to her dressing room to check on Lily but when she gets there the body is gone and Lily seems to be fine
She looks down and realises that the shard of glass was actually in her
She had stabbed herself
Somehow she finishes the performance
At the end, when the Swan commits suicide, Nina jumps from the platform on to a mattress
Her last words were 'I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect'

I thought this film was darkly beautiful
Natalie Portman was utterly stunning as Nina and thoroughly deserved the Oscar that year
Her dancing was mesmerising
She did take ballet as a child and underwent a year of intensive training to prepare for the role of Nina
She did have a dance double though, an ABT dancer called Sarah Lane
I though the portrayal of her losing her mind was done really well
It was subtle at first
You weren't quite sure if you saw what you thought you saw
The eyes in a picture moving
A distorted image in a mirror
And over time her world turns upside down

It was Nina's pursuit of perfection that was her downfall
I think many of us fall in the trap of trying to be perfect
The perfect daughter
The perfect sibling
The perfect friend
The perfect job
And of course the perfect body
Nina obviously had an eating disorder
When she is having her measurements taken, we see give a little smile when the lady tells her that she has lost weight
There is something about ballet that brings out a persons need to be perfect
I remember when I took ballet from the age of 10 - 16
Having to wear a leotard and tights there is no hiding your body
And in a room full of mirrors there is no getting away from having to look at your own body
I remember my ballet teacher telling my mother that I was losing weight
I had no idea why but that made me feel good
Maybe it was because I was fed the message that thinner is better
Maybe it was the attention and the concern
Whatever the reason it was a sign of things to come

I remember really looking forward to doing pointe work
The day I got my first pair of pointe shoes is one that I will always remember
It's important to get shoes that fit your feet perfectly and it can take time to find the right pair
Before you use you have to break them in
Literally break the spine of the shoe
Then darn the pointe
Sew on ribbons
All this before you even put them on
I didn't get to do much pointe work and never really properly danced in them
Some say it is barbaric to wear them
They ruin your feet
Even though it looks delicate and beautiful to watch someone dance in them, it is incredibly difficult
It takes such control and strength
I think dancers are athletes
I remember when I was taking ballet our teacher used to take us to the gym for a punishing work out
I wanted to be perfect
Perfect lines
Perfect turn out
Perfect poise
Unfortunately perfection is impossible
If we expect perfection then we will be bitterly disappointed

I got a distinction in my first ballet exam
And after that I put pressure on myself to make sure that I always got no less than a distinction
Obviously I was no where near the league that Nina was dancing in but it was still a stress in my life
In my next two exams I got 2 more distinctions
But then in grade 5 I got a merit
I was devastated
I felt that I had failed
Fuel for my developing eating disorder
In grade 6 I began to lose interest in dancing
I was distracted by friends and boys and began to dabble in drugs
I remember the day  that I went to collect my exam results
There was 3 of us in the class and our teacher told us at the beginning of the class that 2 of us had passed with a merit and one had achieved a distinction
I was massively hung over and didn't really care what I had got
But it turned out that I had got the distinction
I gave up ballet soon after that
Something that I've always regretted

I've always had a perfectionist streak
It can be a good thing as it means you do things diligently and thoroughly
But it also means that you put huge pressure on yourself and are often very hard on yourself
As with my addiction and ED, it's an all or nothing game
Either be brilliant at something or don't do it at all
The mind is a fragile thing and will only take so much
It 's a terrifying feeling to feel like you are losing your mind
It happened to me just recently when I really thought that I was going mad
In reality it was a combination of lack of food and isolating
I went to my mother an told her that I was worried about myself
That I felt like I was going crazy and maybe needed to go in to hospital
She managed to appease me and calm me down
But it is always there in the back of my mind
The fear of losing touch with reality

Have you see Black Swan?
What did you think of it?

Lea and Honey

Over the last few days I've noticed that Lea my golden retriever has been out of sorts
She hasn't been going outside very much and is sleeping a lot
Then one day when I was bringing them out in the car I noticed that she was really struggling to get in to the car
They come on the car with me nearly every day and she has never had that issue before
Usually she just jumps in with no hesitation at all
But now she stops and stares at it as if trying to psych herself up
She puts her 2 front paws on the seat but doesn't seem to have the strength in her back legs to push herself up
So I've been keeping a close eye on her
She has also been struggling to get up steps and is straining a bit when getting up from lying down
Then yesterday after getting in to the car, she started crying
I figured that she must be in pain so I immediately rang my vet
She said to bring her so my mother, me and Lea and Honey set off for the vet

The vet happens to be on the same road as the kennels so as soon as we turned on to that road the dogs started to look concerned
Little did  they know they were going somewhere far worse than the kennels
I parked, put Lea on her lead and went inside
The minute Lea smelt the familiar vet smell, she decided she was not happy and turned to run outside but instead promptly ran in to a pane of glass
The vet took is in to her surgery and I explained what had been happening
She brought us outside so she could see Lea walking
Then she weighed her (the same weight as my lowest weight)
She said that Lea was slightly over weight
We went back to her room and she examined Lea
She said that the probable cause was arthritis of the hips as this was common is retrievers that are a little bit older (Lea is 8)
The best thing to do she said, was to put her on medication for arthritis for 3 weeks and see if that helps

Lea and Honey then got their annual vaccinations
Lea was fine but Honey was not a happy dog and kept running for the door
I paid and made another appointment for 3 weeks time and left
The dogs could not get out of there quick enough

Because they had been so good at the vets, we brought them to their favourite beach for a nice long walk

The vet said that Lea is slightly over weight an it was important for her to keep active to keep her joints healthy
It would be great if she could lose a bit of weight she said
Any one who knows me knows how much my dogs mean to me
I got them when I first moved here 8 years ago and they have been by my side ever since
I can't remember what life was like before them
They have saved my life over and over again
When I can't find a reason to get up in the morning,  I get up for them
When I don't want to leave my house, I leave to walk them
And just being with them makes me feel better
They bring so much happiness and joy in to our house
Even my mother who is not a dog lover, loves them
She was just as concerned as I was about Lea
So the thought that I might be hurting them was like a punch in the stomach
Yes I agree both my dogs are a bit over weight
And it's my responsibility as I'm the one who feeds them
I have to admit that I show love for them through food
A treat here
A biscuit there
And they get a nice big dinner every day
It breaks my heart to think that I might contributing to Leas's condition by not feeding them properly
Some would argue that an over fed dog is just as bad as an underweight dog
But it's not out of badness that I feed them
It's out of love and wanting them to be happy

I think my ED might have something to do with it also
I love feeding them
The ritual of putting their food in their bowls
Preparing the food and watching them enjoy it brings me joy
I hate the thought that they might be hungry so I make sure that never happens
But now to help Lea, I may have to reconsider what and how much I feed them
They are getting older now and I want to do everything I can to make sure that they are here for as long as possible
I can't bear the thought of life without them and they are irreplaceable
They have been with me through all the ups and downs of the last 8 years and I'm not sure if I could do this without them
Some people may say that I'm being overly dramatic about my dogs but they really do mean this much to me
I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes

A pill for every ill

This weekend being a bank holiday, I didn't have my doctors appointment until this morning
As I walk in to the surgery, I see my usual doctor's car pull in
My first thought was that he was back
But when he got out of the car he was wearing shorts and a hoody
Unusual to see him in casual clothes
I kind of forget that he has a whole life outside being a doctor
He is actually a keen surfer
This part of the country is a haven for beach goers and surfers
'Hi Ruby, how are you?' he says
'Good thanks, how are you doing. is your back ok?'
'It's a lot better thanks, I hope to be back next week'

I walk in to the surgery
I have no idea what doctor I'm seeing today
An older man calls my name
As I follow him down the corridor he drops a letter
I pick it up and say 'Hey, you dropped this'
He practically snaps it out of my hand and doesn't say thank you
Ok
I think I will call this one Not very nice doctor
I sit down
'How are things?' he asks
'Yea ok' I say
He spends a few minutes on the computer
It's very disconcerting to know that as I sit there he reading all about me
All my notes
My diagnosis
My weight
Everything
He doesn't say much else
In fact he seems royally pissed off about something
Or maybe that is just his manner, I don't know
He fills out my scripts and that's that

I don't think about the meds I'm on a lot but the past couple of days I have been
I'm on a few medications
Methadone
Mirtazapine (anti depressant)
Olanzapine ( this is an anti psychotic but I am prescribed it for anxiety)
Midon (for low blood pressure)
I've been on methadone for about 9 years now
I started on 70mls and over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
I am very heavily dependant on it both physically and psychologically
Sometimes I have a fear that for some reason I won't be able to get it
Without it I would be in a world of pain within 48 hours
That scares me
To be so dependant on something
Taking my methadone is the first thing that I do every morning
I can't remember what life is like without it
I don't get a feeling off it but it can make me drowsy especially combined with the other meds
To be honest I am terrified to come off it
I dread that day and I continue to put it off
I fear that I won't I won't be able to cope and I will relapse back on to heroin
It has helped me though
It is like a stepping stone between the drug and being completely clean
They say that it's harder to come off methadone than it is to come off heroin
I would agree with this
In my experience it is more difficult to get clean off synthetic, man made drugs than it is coming off something natural like heroin
The detox is longer and the symptoms are worse

I've been on anti depressants for years but have only been on mirtazapine since 2011
It is notorious for having weight gain as a side effect
In the first few months of taking it I gained 30 pounds reaching an all time high weight
My mother says that at that time I looked very bloated at that time
I stayed at that weight for about 18 months
The other day I came across photos of myself at the weight
It didn't suit me at all and I think I looked a lot heavier than 130lbs
I remember being so uncomfortable in my own skin at that time
I hated my body
Absolutely hated it
Thinking back I don't know how I got through that 18 months
And because I now looked normal, people presumed that I was ok
I wasn't underweight so I must be doing fine
But if anything it was the exact opposite
I was still restricting
Still purging
Still mentally unstable
I was just as sick as I was when I was underweight
Then one day someone commented that I had lost weight
I immediately weighed myself and I had lost almost a stone
This triggered a relapse back in to anorexia
I haven't reached that weight since too and I vowed never again
I've come to the conclusion that I actually look heavier than I am
Even now I am technically underweight but I think I look like I am of average weight
I don't see an underweight person
Not at all

I've been on olanzapine for years also
Again it has a side effect of weight gain although I haven't experienced that
I was first prescribed it during my first hospitalisation in 2008
Combined with the other meds it does make me quite sleepy but I like that
I like being able to fall asleep whenever I want
I can escape when things get too much
I remember when I was in hospital I used to see the other patients lining up to get their meds
I actually felt jealous
I wanted to be on meds too
I complained that I couldn't sleep and was immediately put on a sleeping tablet (zimovaine)
It shocked me a bit how easily they prescribed meds
For me I think that the placebo effect plays a big part
Just taking the pill makes me feel better

Over the years I have been on various pills and potions
I haven't been medication free for as long as I can remember
Being an addict I seek out instant gratification and pills can provide that
They can take the edge off life
Wrap you in cotton wool
The can make life bearable
In reality I know that taking a pill is not going to make me better
I know that it's more complicated than that
Yes, meds have a place but in combination with other therapy
I think for depression things like and diet, exercise and talking are just as important of not more important than meds
I think I could probably do with the Olanazpine and the Mirtazapine but I would be reluctant to come off them
From time to time I do misuse my meds
Up until quite recently I had abused them for years
I would take all my meds over 2 or 3 days but that would leave me with no meds for a few days
So I started to take them properly
I just like the idea that if things get really tough, I can take a little white pill and all the nastiness will melt away
Really I should be finding other ways to cope but so far I haven't been able to do that
I went through a period of buying meds online
Mostly valium
But I had to stop after I crashed my car after I fell asleep behind the wheel

So I collected my meds today and when I got home I realised that I had extra tablets
My first reaction was to take the extra ones and sleep the day away
But I know that my mother gets really stressed when I do that so I didn't
I was a good little drug addict and took them as prescribed

The binging an purging came to an abrupt end yesterday
I hope and pray that it stays that way
The kilo I gained disappeared by night fall
It wasn't the kilo that scared
It was the thought that my weight gain would spiral out of control
So I am back at a safe weight
For now

I was wondering about you?
Are you on medication?
If so, how do you find it?
Do you have any unpleasant side effects?