NA

Just a quick post to let you know that I did it!
I went to the meeting
I can't quite believe it
It's been 2 years since I was last at a meeting
And I finally got my bony bum there

Today was hard
I argued with myself all day
Picked up my phone numerous times to cancel
But I couldn't think of a reason so I didn't
I wasn't sure how much medication to take today as I didn't want to be drowsy
But I also didn't want to be anxious so I finally decided to take the recommended daily dose
I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be
I wasn't as scared as I thought I would be
It would have been so easy to let my eating disorder and addiction win
It would have been so easy to stay at home in my safe little bubble
It's would have been easy to go in to hiding
But I didn't
I went
And now I feel so good

My friend and her boyfriend picked me up about 8pm
We chatted the whole way there and anything and everything
My friends boyfriend reminded me that the last time I saw him was about a year ago
I remember I met him at a garage
I told him I would see him at the next meeting
It's hard to believe that a whole year passed by before I got to that meeting

We arrived at the venue and there was both an NA meeting and an AA  meeting on
I decided to go to the NA
It was a small meeting
Just 7 of us
I spoke only briefly
It was so good to listen to the others
They talked so much sense
And so positive
So real
Exactly what I needed

I met a girl there that I haven't seen in years
The last time I saw her she was in a bad way
She had an eating disorder and addiction issues
To listen to her tonight was amazing
She has come so far
And she helps others with eating disorders
We spoke after the meeting
She asked me how my eating was going
I told her the truth
How I was stuck in the binge purge cycle
How I nearly didn't go tonight as I thought I was so fat
She told me that I was the thinnest person she had seen in a long time
Boy did my eating disorder love to hear that

I'm back home and I feel tired but so glad that I went
I am so grateful to my friend and her boyfriend
To have people like that in my life
I feel positive
I feel hopeful
I feel alive

Heroin

I was pretty devastated to hear that Peaches Geldof died of a heroin overdose
I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be that
But I think I knew it would be
What else could it have been?
I can't imagine what her family are going through right now
The Geldof family has had more of their fair share of tragedy
Life is so unfair sometimes

Every time I hear of a young person dying of drugs
Whether it's someone I know personally or someone in the media
It breaks my heart
It really effects me
And gets me thinking about my own life
Even though I haven't used heroin or any other drugs in a couple of years, it still plays on my mind
I regularly have drug dreams
I get triggered a lot just like we get triggered with our eating disorders
Whereas some of us mat get triggered when we see a photo of a very underweight person
I get drug triggers
Certain dance music reminds me of using E
When I listen to it I my heart starts racing and I almost feel like I am on drugs
I think that's called euphoric recall

With heroin many things remind me of it
Getting blood taken is a massive trigger
Seeing the blood flow in to the vial brings back so many memories
I can't watch any shows or films about heroin use
Even tinfoil can trigger me as I used to smoke it also

For 6 years I was up to my neck in heroin addiction
I turned in to a person that I hardly recognised
I started when I was 18 ans shortly after that my parents separated
It was very sudden but it had been coming for a long time
My mother and I packed a bag and moved in a hotel
I remember I was starting a new job that week and had to commute the 2 hours every morning
After a week we moved in to a rented house
My drug use began to spiral out of control
Of course my family found out
I'll never forget the day my father found out
He looked at me and the colour drained out of his face
I could literally see his heart breaking

Me and my then boyfriend were partners in crime
I think that's why you see so many drug addicted couples
Because you can handle anything if you have someone by your side

Heroin changed me
Physically it ruined my body
I lost an awful lot of weight
I remember my hipbones were so sharp and my tummy was concave
I was constantly grey in colour
My cheeks were sunken and my eyes were black
I was unrecognisable

One thing that I clearly remember about those days was the waiting
Waiting for lifts
Waiting for dealers who were in no hurry to come and meet me
Waiting for money
Waiting, waiting, waiting.......
And of course the sickness
The one thing that kept me using again and again was the fear of being sick
Your body becomes dependant on the drug
And it once it leaves your system withdrawals quickly set in
Imagine the worst flu you've ever had and multiply it by 100
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out
And it's not only physical pain
It's mental torture too
It's a double whammy
I can remember being awake many nights, so so sick that I just wanted to die
It was horrific

I saw so many traumatic things over the years
Children is houses  with drug addicted parents
Children malnourished and uncared for
People overdosing
People almost killing each other over a gram
In a lot of ways I am blessed to have made it out alive

I was lucky
I got out
I moved across the country to a place where nobody knew me and I started a fresh
I left my old town
Away from old friends
I never go back there
And probably never will
But it's hard to escape it completely
Sometimes I get such intense cravings
If there was drugs right there and then I don't think I would be able to say no
I don't know if I'm strong enough

Heroin rips families apart
When you are addicted any love or respect you have for your family goes out the window
I lies to them
Manipulated them endlessly
Stole from them
Brought dangerous people in to their lives
The emotional toll on my family was huge
We can talk about it now as time passes by
My mother tells me stories about things I had forgotten about
It was a crazy time

Hearing about Peaches yesterday makes me feel so sad for her and her family
And it feels so close
It could have easily been me
It could have easily been my family
Sometimes I wish it had been me
But it wasn't
I am here
Even though I have many issues and am not in recovery
I still feel that my story could help others
I want it to help others
If one good thing comes out of all the things I have been through
Then it has been worth it

A for Anxiety

I spent some time with a good friend of mine yesterday
After cancelling on her numerous times over the past few weeks, I finally managed to call in to her
I'm not quite sure why these things are such a big deal for me
I know it has a lot to do with anxiety
And throw in zero confidence and every little thing is a struggle
And the thing is, I know if I push myself to do these things, I will really enjoy them
It's just the anxiety before hand that gets me everytime

I guess I feel that I am really out of practise socially
I spend a lot of time on my own and any type of social event scares the be-Jesus out of me
What is the anxiety about?
Well....
I'm afraid I won't know what to say
I'm afraid people won't like or accept me
I'm afraid I'll do or say something stupid
I'm afraid that once people get to know me and they see how crazy I am, they will run in the opposite direction
I could go on and on

Anyway
I called in to my friend early
It was so good to see her
To sit down with a cuppa and a smoke and have a really good chat
I always forget how much I enjoy this
My friend also has an eating disorder and an addiction past so she completely gets me
Listening to her talk I can see how far she has come on her own journey
She has gained so much wisdom and insight
It's such a joy to listen to her speak
Don't get me wrong here, everything in her life is not perfect
Not at all
She still struggles with food and other issues
But she is in recovery
It shines out of her

Like I used to, she attends meetings, AA and NA
She works the 12 Step programme
And it really is working for her
She is doing a course
She is now seeing a lovely guy
She is living her life on her terms

I used to go to meetings
I was at my best then recovery wise
But I haven't been to a meeting in about 2 years
I really want to go back
I know how much it would help me
If I could just get my eating disordered ass out the front door then I might have a fighting chance
When I got home my friend and her boyfriend texted me
They said that they would come and pick me up Friday night and bring me to a meeting
I accepted the invitation
But now I am terrified
My anxiety is having a field day
My ed is telling me I am too fat to go anywhere
My addiction and my ed have joined forces trying to stop me from going
Because they know that if I go I will be that much stronger and they will be weaker
I know the next couple of days will be tough as my brain pings around like a pinball
Will I go?
Will I not go?
Will I go?
Yes
On second thoughts, no I won't
Will I go?
I should go
I want to go
Then I will go
Or maybe not
What if they don't like me?
What if I talk absolute shite
What if.........

I've thought a lot about people not liking other people
When I was treatment there was a lady who I will call M
She was 55 years old and on the eating disorder programme with me
She was the type of person who said exactly what she thought
She said many things to me over the time I was there
She once told me that I looked really old
Her and I had many run ins and arguments and disagreements over the weeks
But you know what?
Despite all these differences I still really liked her and was quite fond of her
Even though she could be moody
Even though when I was leaving she told me that she would keep in touch with 'short texts only'
Even though she was mean sometimes
I still considered her a friend and  had a lot of time for her

All this taught me that it really does take a lot for someone to dislike someone
I know it takes a lot for me to really not like someone
Sure you might not get on with someone too well
Or you may not agree with everything they say
But to really not like or even hate someone is rare enough

And if it happens
If someone decides that they don't like me
That's ok
It's not the end of the world
I'm not going to crumble because a certain person doesn't care for me
It's my insecurity
I want to be liked
I want to fit in and belong
I want to know that I am a good person

So I wanted to ask you how you deal with anxiety
How do you manage to live your life without giving in to it?

2 Years Old!

Today is the 30th of April
My blog is exactly 2 years old today
And what a rollercoaster those two years have been
I checked back on my first few posts to see where my head was at back then
I wrote about doing fasts
Wanting to lose weight
Some could say that it was verging on pro ana

I had been reading blogs for a while before I started my own
I was lonely
I craved to be around others like me
And I found a whole community of people who thought and felt just like me
At first I really wanted to fit in
I wanted to belong
So I wrote about wanting to lose weight and weight loss methods
But the one thing that I have never felt comfortable doing is encouraging others to lose weight or congratulating someone on losing weight
It just didn't sit right with me

My writing has gradually changed over time
Until I found a style that I was comfortable with
It's pretty matter of fact and honest
No sugar coating things
I want to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with an eating disorder
It's not pretty
It's not romantic
It's not even about food anymore
It's bigger than that
Living with an eating disorder and addiction is soul destroying
It wears you down
Drains you of any positivity or energy that you once had
And it  doesn't just effect me
Like ripples in a pond it effects everyone around me
Not only did I get sick
But my whole family got sick too
That's the sad reality

Living with an eating disorder is like dancing with the Devil
It lures you in with false promises of happiness, popularity and success
It whispers in your ear
That you are fat
Worthless
A failure
It convinces you that if you listen to it then everything will be ok
If you lose weight all your problems will be solved
It's as simple as that

Of course now I know that this is all lies
My eating disorder wants me dead
I have no doubt about that
But even with all this knowledge and awareness
Even knowing what I need to do to help myself
I keep going back to my ed again and again
Why?
Because it's all I know
Because it's familiar
Because I know no other way
Because I think that this time will be different
This time I won't let it spin out of control

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
I have been doing the same thing for over a decade now and my ed still tricks me in to thinking that this time will be different
She is so sneaky
So cunning
So manipulative and seductive
And I get sucked in every time

So two years on has anything changed?
Well, I'm a little older
A little wiser (debatable)
My anxiety has definitely got worse
I've lost about 25 pounds
If anything I would say that I am no nearer to recovery
Essentially I am stuck
Stuck in the binge purge cycle
Stuck in my house
Stuck in life

Those 2 years have absolutely flown by
It's scary how fast time goes by
It's scary how nothing changes if nothing changes
I don't let myself think about the future
It's too overwhelming to think about
All I can do is try to do my best today
Keep fighting
Keep writing
Keep hoping

Of course the best thing about writing this blog is the amazing friends that I have made
I won't name you all
You know who you are
And after my last post I've met a whole host of new friends
You all have been so supportive over the last 2 years
Thanks you for that
Thank you for being there
For reading and commenting
And for never giving up on me even when I did
Happy Birthday to my blog!

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits everyday
A lot of people seem to read
However only a tiny percentage of these readers leave a comment
I do know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must so many that I don't know
I received a comment recently from a reader from the Netherlands
She stated that she had been reading for some time but it was her first time to comment
I just love getting comments like this
It blows my mind to think that there are people all over the world reading my words and leaving words of hope and love
Comments truly make my day
I think what we have here is unique
We have a community where we are heard
Where we feel safe to be ourselves without fear of judgement
Where we can share our darkest secrets
Where everyone is welcomed with open arms
Where there is no shame
That is rare these days

So I wanted to invite you today to introduce yourself
I you have been reading for a while and never commented before
If you have been reading from the start
If you drop by from time to time
If you have addiction, disordered eating or mental health issues
If you are curious
If you don't like my blog
If you can relate
If you are feeling hopeless
Or hopeful
Whether you are ill or in recovery
If you are afraid
If you have a blog about similar or different issues
I would love to hear from you
I would love to know why you read
Do you like this blog?
Or do you disagree with what I write about?
I am so interested to find out
Looking forward to meeting you.........

Strandhill April 2014

I spent a lovely day in Strandhill yesterday with my Mum, my sister, my nephew and Honey and Lea
The weather is great at the moment so we made the most of it
I was reluctant to go as it was a 40 minute drive and my confidence is low at the moment, driving included
But I pushed myself to go and I am so glad that I did
I thoroughly enjoyed myself
Here are some photos from the day
Enjoy........

I left an anonymous letter for someone to find

Nine Lives?

My mother and I were standing in line at the supermarket this morning
As we were waiting, I flicked through  magazine
There were many articles about Peaches Geldof
Her death is still a mystery
As we walked out of the shop, I asked my Mum how she thought Peaches had died
Where as many thought it might have been drugs
My Mum suspects that it might have had something to do with disordered eating
She was painfully thin

Then we got talking about addiction and eating disorders
How it was so very sad that Peaches died at just 25 years of age
My mother commented that I was lucky to be alive given all that I have been through
That got me thinking
I guess I am lucky to be alive
Or unlucky
Depends on which way you look at it
I've lived through a horrific drug addiction
Was hospitalized twice after overdosing
I was in a horrible car crash when my boyfriend at the time fell asleep at the wheel
So many dark things can happen when you're immersed in the murky world of addiction
It feels like so long ago now
Sometimes I can't tell if it really happened or if I dreamt it
It's like it happened to someone else

I lived in desperate conditions
Associated with dangerous people
At the time I had no concept of how much danger I was in
My mother says that I was always a risk taker
That I liked to live on the edge
And was attracted to alternative people
I craved drama and excitement and danger
I know that I am blessed to have made it out relatively unscathed
Many of the people I knew didn't
Many are still in the midst of their addiction
Many are dead

As I got my addiction under control, my eating disorder began to spiral out of control
As my weight dropped to all time low, my health deteriorated and was hospitalized many times
Then last year I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
But thankfully made a good recovery
It makes me wonder
Why are some people taken so young and so soon?
Why are others spared?
Is there a reason?
Is just plain bad luck?
I'm not quite sure
In some ways I think it would have been easier if I had died
But easier on who?
Me?
Yes, for sure
But not my family
It would break their hearts

My Mum and I also spoke about the addiction gene
I truly believe that I was pre-disposed to be becoming an addict
Addiction is rampant on my father's side of the family
On my mothers side there is none
My 2 sisters have also had addiction problems in the past
My brother never has
Not only were my chances of becoming an addict increased
But I think we addicts also think differently
In much the same way as someone with an ed thinks
We seem to be me more sensitive
Tend to be more negative
Have low confidence and self esteem
And we are very hard on ourselves
We're more likely to experience depression and other mental health issues
It's easy to feel angry about this
To ask 'Why me?'
But I stopped feeling angry a long time ago
It got me no where

I tend to have quite a positive outlook about my situation
An outsider may look at my life and feel pity for me
But I don't want pity
There are plenty of people worse off than me
I've lived an amazing life
It's been exciting
Dangerous
Dramatic
I've experienced so many different things
Yes, there have been many lows
Crippling lows
But I look at the positive
I've met the most amazing people through out my life
Made so many fantastic friends
That in itself outweighs all the negatives
I've had the opportunity to go to brilliant treatment centres and learned so much about myself
Because of what I have been through, I have empathy and understanding
My life has made me what I am today
I'm stronger for it
I'm tougher for it
And I always, always have hope

I was talking to Mary last week
About how sometimes I feel inadequate around my own family because they are all so educated and have fancy degrees and I don't
Mary told me that I have the best degree going
From the University of Life
Money can't buy that
And it's true
I've had an education of a different kind
And I wouldn't swap it for the world!