Home from Oz

My sister arrived home all the way from Australia yesterday
I am super excited to have her here
She has been there 10 years
And I have only seen her a handful of times  in that 10 years
She is also 10 years older than me
We get on like nobodies business

Needless to say she is tired and jet lagged
We met up in the kitchen at 3am this morning
And had tea and a chat

My sleep pattern is slowly but surely descending in to chaos
I am not sleeping at night
And then napping during the day
Need to get on top of that

We went for a lovely long walk this morning with Honey and Lea
They are also excited to have her home

Then we went food shopping
I am so motivated to get my food sorted
We bought lots of fresh fruit and veg
Need to broaden my diet
Ie not live off crisps and chocolate

Here are some photos of our walk.........

He he, love this!

Partners in crime

Honey's new bestfriend

Funfair

Honey's friend

A roll in the hay

Purging of a different kind

So I was getting sick and tired of trying to squeeze my newly rounded body in to my 'anorectic' jeans
I think I was in denial that they were too small
I really believed that if I could just hold my breath in all day
Then everything would be fine and dandy
But enough was enough
I had to purge my wardrobe

I have about 4 pairs of jeans that I call my 'anorectic' jeans
Teeny tiny skinny jeans that no grown woman should be able to fit in to
My favourite pair were a softer than soft blue denim that I picked up in France when I was barely 80 lbs
I loved them so
It gave me no end of pleasure to know that I could slip neatly in to them
Well, not anymore
Yes, I can still close them but they look like they are painted on to my legs
So last night I bit the bullet
I pulled all the offending items out of my wardrobe

And no, I haven't got rid of them
I'm not quite ready for that yet
(Oh I just had a thought
Maybe I could throw them in to the lake with my scales!)
No I haven't thrown them away
I've just put them away
Where they are out of my line of vision so they can't mock me that I can't fit in to them

Thankfully, because I have been every weight under the sun over the last few years
I have every size jeans known to woman
So I went through them all  and tried to find some that I felt comfortable in
Here's what I found

Levis that I bought in Australia 2 years ago and have never worn, dark blue
A little big but wearable and comfortable

Fat Face (oh the irony) skinny jeans, navy

Free soul black boot legs jeans, super comfortable

I feel a little better knowing that this jeans fit and are comfortable
If a little sad to say good bye to my old skinnies
Bye bye skinny jeans
You are in a better place now
And so am I
I hope I never have use for you again
I hope you live out the rest of your days at the bottom of my wardrobe
Gathering dust
And being eaten by moths
You have served me well skinny jeans
And you were with me through my darkest times
But it's time say farewell
So long
I hope we never have reason to meet again.......

What the......?

I saw this advertised in my local supermarket the other day
Couldn't resist taking a photo and sharing it with you

Fat balls with protein?
Mmmm yummy!!

Am I in recovery?

Am I in recovery if I still purge every day?

Am I in recovery if I'm still afraid to gain any more weight?

If I don't eat 3 meals a day?

If I think I need to lose weight?

Am I in recovery if I use my meds as a means of escape?

If I envy other girls because of their slim figure?

Am I in recovery if I still obsess about body image?

If I use a sun bed in order to accept my body more?

Am I in recovery if I panic if I can't get a walk every day?

If certain foods are 'safe' and 'unsafe'?

Am I in recovery if I don't go to my support groups?

If I don't feel like I am able to do this for much longer?

Am I in recovery if I feel like a fraud?

If I am trying my best to be in good form so others don't worry?

Am I in recovery if I still think about when I was at my thinnest?

And wonder what it would be like to be there again ?

Am I in recovery if I feel fat every day?

If I can barely look at myself in the mirror?

Am I in recovery if the slightest thing triggers me?

And sometimes I want to be triggered?

Am I in recovery if I still write this blog?

And read others who are not in recovery?

Am I in recovery if sometimes I feel like I am playing a role?

If I look ok so I feel that I should be ok on the inside?

Am I in recovery if I struggle to take care of the most basic things?

And I still feel like a child a lot of the time?

Am I in recovery if gaining weight is still the worst thing in the world?

If I would rather eat my own foot than be fat?

Am I in recovery?

I'm not quite sure........

New do!

A good friend of mine is a hairdresser
Yesterday I called over to her
And she coloured and cut my hair
I was delighted with the result
However I was hesitant to post the photos
As I just feel my face looks so big
And I don't feel particularly pretty these days
But my new do did make me feel a bit better in myself
And I got lots of lovely compliments
I don't usually enjoy getting my hair done
But I felt relaxed and really enjoyed it
Thanks Marie for making me feel pampered and pretty

Here's the process........

Before

During

Cutting

After

Later on that day

The comments

And so the comments keep coming
I met a neighbour in my local shop yesterday
He held my hand and told me that I had 'improved a lot'
Then when I arrived home another neighbour shouted over the wall that I look 'Fantastic'
Ok
I know that people just want to be nice
I know they want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I get that
I do
But it's making me feel incredibly conspicuous
I feel like I am on show
Like a prize cow at a cattle mart
I don't like it
Part of me wants to go back to the time when no one commented on my appearance
Because they didn't know what to say

And the thing is
Because you look ok on the outside
People presume that you must be ok on the inside
They seem to think that I have made a full recovery
When the truth is that I have a lot of work to do
My food is all over the place
The purging persists
My food is all over the place
Things are not pefect

The messed up thing is that now I have been dipping my toe in to recovery
I know think that I deserve a treat
Like an alcoholic who treats them self with a drink because they have been sober for 6 months
I feel that I have been doing so well that I deserve to lose a few pounds
Here's how a conversation went with my my Mother earlier today

Me: I think I need to lose some weight

Mum: What?

Me: I'm thinking of starting the Atkins diet (Only half joking)

Mum: What is that?

Me: It's where you cut out carbohydrates and eat mostly protein

Mum: I don't believe in diets

Me: I just want to lose a few pounds, haven't you noticed how fat I am getting?

Mum: Ruby you are just beginning to look normal

Me: So you have noticed that I have gained weight?

Mum: You look softer, more womanly

Me: In other words I am fat?

Mum: I didn't say that

Me: Well I'm starting the diet tomorrow........


And the strange thing is that I actually meant it
A harmless diet?
To lose a few pounds?
What could go wrong?
It is this kind of thinking that has got me in to trouble my whole life

My friend and I were laughing today
As we discussed how our EDs are like using a sun bed
Just like you always think you need to lose a little bit more weight
You always want to be that little bit browner
It's never enough
Never

The fact is that I am a bit uncomfortable with my body at the moment
I have curves and shape and bumps and lumps
I don't know how to dress this shape
It's very complicated
My clothes now fit differently
They cling to my chest and my hips and my bum
It's all just so new
So unfamiliar
Most of the time I don't know whether to strap my boobs down
Or put them on show
And they get in the way now
I am hyper aware of them
It's like I am going through puberty all over again
And it was traumatic enough the first time

I really do feel like an awkward teenager
My period has returned
It was  like getting my first period all over again
My straight as a board figure is now curvy and shapely
It's most disconcerting

The urge to lose a few pounds is strong
To go back to my safe body shape
When I was invisible
And no one passed comment on my appearance

I'm sure that I will get used to all this
I will get through my second puberty
And come out the other side as an actual woman
It feels so weird to use that word
I really have never grown up
And I'm not sure if I want to

I know that this is part of parcel of the recovery that I signed up for
Sometimes I wonder if I really am in recovery
Or am I just telling myself that I am
Because to have an anorectic mind in a healthy body doesn't bear thinking about

I will get used to my body
I just have to be patient
And that is something that I struggle with massively
I want it now
I can't wait
It has to be now
But I will hang in there
I have no choice
And what is the alternative?
The half life we call ED?
No thank you very much



I was wondering about you
Have you experienced these type of comments?
How did you deal with it?

The damage an eating disorder does (Trigger warning!)

This is what an  eating disorder does to your body

And this
You revert back to having the body of a child

This is what an eating disorder does to your face
It withers it
And ages it
So much that you hardly recognise yourself

This is what an eating disorder does to your teeth
Discolours them
Rots them
Breaks them
And these are the good teeth

This is what an eating disorder does to your food habits
It convinces you that food is the enemy







This is what an eating disorder does to your confidence
Shatters it to bits and pieces









This is how an eating disorder makes you feel
Stuck in a vicious circle



This is what you feel like doing when you you have an eating disorder



This is what an eating disorder does to you mind
It makes you feel like you are losing it






This is how an eating disorder makes you feel
Like you are invisible







This is what an eating disorder does to your heart
Breaks it in to a million little pieces






This is what an eating disorder does to your spirit
It crushes it




This what it feels like to fight back
Terrifying
Scary
Lonely



This is what it feels like to regain weight
Frustrating beyond belief



But this is what it feels like when things start to turn around
Like a light shining in the darkness





This is what it feels like when you feel like you might have a fighting chance
Like a sigh of relief





This is how it feels to feel again
Totally overwhelming




This is what it feels like to feel to want to live
You don't feel the pull of death any more



This what it feels like to be around friends again
Like you belong
Like you matter to someone



This is what it's like to love again
Like you are alive at last