50

I am 50 days smoke free today
In some ways I can't believe it's been that long
In other ways it seems much longer
But it feels good to have reached this milestone
It's been hard work
Fighting off cravings
And trying to find something to do other than smoke, smoke, smoke

I was a dedicated and passionate smoker
I loved it
And I loved my precious cigarettes
Rewind 20 years
And that's when I had my first cigarette
A home made one with Rizla
Crudely made with cheap tobacco
And a cardboard roach for a filter
My friend Lisa taught me how to inhale
I was a diligent student
And practices day in day out
We sat beside each other in school
Pooling our money to but 10 silk cut purple at lunch
We sneaked out of the school grounds to buy them
And hid in a building site
Where we smoked 5 each in quick succession
Dizzy and light headed
We made our way back to class
Our breath stinking of smoke and mint chewing gum
We thought we were so cool

Smoking punctuated my life
There was always reason to go for a smoke
First thing in the morning
With a cup of tea at 11am
After lunch
When I was stressed
When I needed to have a good chat
When I needed to complain
To give out
To console
To celebrate
There was always a reason

I fell in love with cigarettes
With the way I could use them to attract attention
I had seen people smoke in the movies
I knew it could look sexy and smouldering and impossibly cool
I never for one minute thought about the negative health effects
It just didn't seem to matter
When there were so many positives

Then came the drug years
Money was scarce and the drug was the priority
We down graded from cigarettes to roll your own
I never took to them
My boyfriend rolled them perfectly smooth and straight
He gave out to me that mine were inferior
And utterly unsmokable

When we ran out of tobacco
We raided the ashtray
Fishing out butts and the little bit of tobacco that was left in them
Gathering it all together to make one smoke
It was pathetic
But such is life when you are addicted to the drug

Fast forward years later
And I now no longer use drugs or drink alcohol
Smoking is now my only vice
And I use that as my excuse
I smoke like it's going out of fashion
And it was
It no longer held the same allure that it once did
I smoked out of habit
And boredom
I began to hate them
And my pockets were forever empty
The only thing stopping me from giving up was the probability of weigh gain

Suddenly and without very much warning
I decide to give them up
I have never really tried before
So I kept it quiet as I wasn't confident that I would succeed
My uncle brought me back 2 cartons from Turkey
400 cigarettes
I decided when they were gone
I would give them up
It was my 'Last supper' if you will
I went to town with that 400
I smoked my head off for two weeks solid
I must have lit one every 20 minutes
Because I knew the end was coming

Then on Monday morning 11th August 2014 in London
I found myself with my last cigarette
I knew it was the end
I saved it until I was positively gagging for it
Conditions had to be perfect
I made a hot cup of tea
Got my book
And settled myself on the bench in the garden
I savoured it
Relished it
Was present for every drag and puff
All too soon it was over
I smoked it to the butt
Not wasting an inch
I put it out in the make shift flower pot ashtray that my uncle had made for me
I said a quiet goodbye
And walked away

I decided not to use any smoking cessation aids
And in the end I didn't need them
The first few weeks were easier than I thought
I didn't miss them as much as I thought I would
But now
Now it's harder
Now I crave them
Now I walk by people smoking in the street and I inhale deeply
I can't lie
I miss them
I miss them a lot

I wish I could say that I gave up smoking for health reasons
But I didn't
I gave them up because I simply couldn't afford them any more
I was spending over 100 Euro a week on them
I was constantly broke
And now I can manage my money a lot better
I can contribute to the house
I have extra money for incidentals
I can relax a little

So yes
Today is 50 days smoke free
That's 700 Euro saved that would have gone up in smoke
Was it worth it?
Yes
It most definitely was

ED free week

I've been writing this blog for over two years
And the majority of those posts have been about my ED
I think I have finally reached a point where I am sick of it
Sick of talking about my ED
Thinking about it
Engaging in it it
And writing about
When I was really ill
My ED completely consumed me
Nothing else interested me at all
I thought abut it 24/7
I spoke endlessly about it
It took most of my time and energy

But now that my ED has some what loosened it's grip on me
I am finding that I want to think about other things
I want to read about different topics
I think about other things
And I am finding things that interest as much as my ED used to you
My ED has started to become boring
Monotonous
And repetitive
I've had it for 14 years now
And I think I have had enough

So for this week
And this week only
This blog is an ED free zone
I am going to write about other things
Funny things
Quirky things
Because we are so entrenched in out illness
I see no harm in taking a little break from it
I have no idea what I am going to write about
But I'm sure I'll think off something
There is a whole world of things to write about
Life
Death
And everything in between

So today I will leave you with a quote that I found via Niki's blog

EVERY MORNING I SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE OVER A TALL GLASS OF WATER SWALLOWING PILLS. (SO MY HANDS WON’T SHAKE) (SO MY HEART WON’T RACE) (SO MY FACE WON’T THAW) (SO MY BLOOD WON’T MOLD) (SO THE VOICES WON’T SCREAM) (SO I DON’T REACH FOR KNIVES) (SO I KEEP OUT OF THE OVEN) (SO I EAT EVERY MORSEL.) (SO THE WINE GOES BITTER) (SO I REMEMBER THE LAUNDRY) (SO I REMEMBER TO CALL) (SO I REMEMBER THE NAME OF EACH PILL) (SO I REMEMBER THE NAME OF EACH SICKNESS) (SO I KEEP MY HANDS INSIDE MY HANDS) (SO THE CITY WON’T RATTLE) (SO I DON’T WEEP ON THE BUS) (SO I DON’T WANDER THE GUARDRAIL) (SO THE FLASHBACKS GO QUIET) (SO THE INSOMNIA SLEEPS) (SO I DON’T JUMP AT CAR HORNS) (SO I DON’T JUMP AT CAT-CALLS) (SO I DON’T JUMP A BRIDGE) (SO I DON’T TWITCH) (SO I DON’T RIOT) (SO I DON’T SLIT A STRANGE MAN’S THROAT).

—JEANANN VERLEE

Insert head here -

You know that your head is up your ass
When you go for an hour long walk with your dogs
With your headphones in your ears
And you get back and realize you've been listening to nothing............

For you, yes you!

Ok
So you know that I have been tentatively dipping my toe in to recovery
(Kind of, sometimes, maybe, a little bit, sort of)
No I have
I really have been trying
You know that my mood has greatly improved
Praise the Lord!
You know that I have re-gained some weight
Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information
You know that my sister is home
And is a massive support to me
You know that my purging has dramatically decreased
That I am now living life a lot more
Rather than living a half life
You know my methadone is being reduced
With a view to being completely off it within a year
You know that my anxiety has lessened too
That I am in quite a good place
And my out look is positive
You know all this

But it wasn't that long ago that I was in a living hell
It wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was losing my mind as well as losing weight
I was in treatment this time last year
My outlook was bleak
My body was weak
M y resolve was non existent
I had very little hope
Zero faith
No belief that I could ever get better
I don't let myself forget that feeling
Because I know that I could be back there in a New York minute
I know that all the while I am trying to recover
My ED is doing press ups
Getting stronger and stronger
Waiting to snap  me back up
I know that it's there just waiting until I have a weak moment
I have a healthy amount of fear
It keeps me from becoming complacent
From taking this life for granted

I am not recovered
Hell I don't even know if I am in recovery
All I know is that things are a hell of a lot better than they were
I know I have a long way to go
But I've taken the first step

I know that there are so many of you out there that are in this hell right now
I know that many of you reading have all but given up
Feel battered and bruised by your ED
Stuck in deaths waiting room
I want you to know that this post is for you
For all the girls and guys that are suffering
Starving
Binging
Purging
Over exercising
Cutting
Self medicating
Self abusing
For those that are new to this illness
Or have been suffering for a life time
For those that are trying to recover
For those who don't want to recover
For those who have lost all hope
And faith
And belief
For those whose confidence is shattered
Whose self esteem has been stamped out
For those who are depressed
Lonely
Anxious
Afraid
In danger
For those thinking about going in to treatment for the first time
For those who are in treatment right now
And those who have just left for the umpteenth time
For those whose health is failing
Whose hair is falling out
Whose teeth are rotten
Whose skin is grey and papery
Whose body is weak and malnourished
Whose hair is lank
For those who are emaciated
Obese
And everything in between
This post is for you

For those of you who have never told a soul about your pain
Who wear a smile every day
And never let their hearts break in public
For those who look healthy on the outside
But whose soul is crushed on the inside
For those of you are just about holding it together
Who feel like they could snap at any moment
For those of you who are truly alone
And don't have any one to hug
Or hold
To talk to
To be told it's going to be alright
For those of you who have cheated death
And cursed because of it
For those of you who are thinking of disappearing
Because you can't find even one reason to stay around
This post is for you

For those of you who have been put down
Bullied
Abused
Ignored
Neglected
Forgotten about
For those of you who can't cry
Can't laugh
Can't feel
For those of you who are not sick enough to qualify for help
Or those who are too sick
For those of you who cried yourself to sleep last night
And hate to wake up in the morning
For those of you who have a passive death wish
Who welcome their demise
For those of you who can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror
Who hate their own bodies
And want to shrink until there is nothing but bone
This post is for you

This post is for you
If you believe that recovery is not possible
If you believe that you are not strong enough
If you believe that happiness or even contentment is not possible
If you have been beaten up by life
Screwed over by the people that you love
For those of you who are too trusting
Too kind
Too sensitive
For those who get up every day and face the world
Who hold down jobs
Run a house hold
Look after children
For those that put everyone before themselves
And never get around to taking care of themselves
This post is for you

Why?
Because you are brave beyond belief
Because you keep going
Because you deserve to be told that you are ok just the way you are
Because you are a strong woman/man
Because you are unique
Special
Because you matter
Because you are here for a reason
Because every day you don't give up, you grow even stronger
Because you are loved
Because you deserve to be loved
Because it's going to be alright
Because you deserve to be happy and healthy

This post is for you

As good as it gets?

I've been in a strange place the past couple of days
I can't really put words on how I feel
All I know is that on Thursday I was so hyper
So much so that my sister had to sit me down and try and get me to calm down
I just had so much nervous energy
And when I get nervous
I start to talk
And talk gibberish
We went to yoga Thursday morning
My sister and I were the only ones there
The instructor was talking to us
And I was anxious so of course I started babbling about how I live in a really scenic area
And I live in between two mountains
She must have thought that I was stone mad
And I probably am

I was supposed to meet a friend from treatment this week
I cancelled on her three, yes three times
I can't even tell you why I cancelled
It wasn't because I have gained weight
I know my friend sees beyond that
It wasn't because we were meeting for lunch and I didn't want to eat in front of her
It was because I didn't want to leave the comfortable bubble of my house
I wanted to stay at home and drift in and out of sleep
And not have to deal with real life

I have started giving my meds to my mother again
As I was misusing them again
My methadone has been reduced to 20mls now
Which is the lowest it's ever been
Although it would  be great to be off the methadone completely
I am so afraid
I shit you not
I am afraid I won't be able to cope without it
I am afraid that I will get cravings for drugs
I am afraid that I will relapse
I'm afraid that my body is so used to methadone
That it won't know how to cope without it
I guess I will have another year before I am off it completely
And I have my other meds to rely on
But that is exactly the problem
I rely on them way too much
Really I am as addicted to them
As I was to heroin
Only this is a legal addiction

My sleep is another problem
I'm not letting myself get enough sleep at night
I stay up late
And get up really early
I can't get through the day without at least one nap
It's not healthy
I need to address this issue

Sometimes I wonder how well I really am
I look healthy
I give the appearance of being healthy
Most people I know have assumed that I have recovered from my ED
But have I really?

I got a text last night from a girl I was in treatment with
She asked me how I am getting on
And I told her I was a lot better
She admitted that she is struggling
Namely with purging
Then it hit me that I am still purging too
Every single day
Sometimes multiple times a day
That must mean that I am struggling too
Right?

Things have improved
They definitely have
But they were so very bad
That things now,m even though still rocky, seem a whole lot better
But I forget that I am still entrenched in my ED to an certain extent
I worry I am not moving forward
That I am stuck in this place
Somewhere between my ED and recovery
Isn't the point of recovery that you keep growing and moving forward
Not stand still
Treading water

Is this as good as it gets for me?
Is this as well as I can realistically hope to get?
What is the next step for me?
I know that I have a lot of work to do around food and eating
I know that I have to at least try and get the purging under control
It's easier to ignore these problems
To hide behind my healthy body
And smile
And say 'Yes, thank you, I am doing great!'
Is this an illusion?
Is my recovery a farce?
Am I an anorectic mind in a healthy body?
Am I fooling myself and every one else?
I'm so very confused

I want to get well
At least I want to want to get well
I miss Mary
She always helped me make sense of things
And right now I really need to make sense of things
I'm losing the will to live over here

8am Walk

Usually I am the first one up in the morning
I am an early riser
So I usually get up between six and seven
I let the dogs out
Have a cup of tea
Lea likes to get in to the car first thing in the morning
I'm not sure why
But she likes to sit in there
She seems happy so I see no reason not to let her
Then at about 8 30am I get Honey
And we go wan wake people up
I go down to my Mum first
I open her door and let Honey in
Honey is not supposed to be allowed in bedrooms
But it's just so cute to see her jumping up on the beds
Then I go and wake my sister up
And Honey gets under the covers with her

But this morning was different
This morning I was woken up for a change
My sister and Honey came down to my room at 7am
And jumped on my bed
Nice way to wake up
With a dog licking your face

We then decided to go for an early morning walk
With Honey and Lea of course
So that's what we did

Here is some photographic evidence............

Cuddling with Honey

Bundoran beach

Decision made

As I wrote a few posts ago
A journalist contacted me as she was interested in my story
I spoke to her a few times
And she asked me a lot of questions
She is a freelance writer
So the way it worked is that she would pitch my story to different publications
And I would then decide which one to go with

Because I had told her about my dogs
And how much they mean to me
And have helped me in my recovery
She decided to use that angle
I was pleased with this
As it was something different
I heard back from the journalist yesterday
And two publications were interested in my story
The Sunday magazine with the People newspaper
And the pets page of the People newspaper
There was also a token payment from each

At first when this journalist contacted me
I was really excited
And really wanted to do it
But having thought about it
And talked to a lot of people
I have decided not to do the story
For a few reasons
The number one being that both publications want my real name and photos
And I'm just not comfortable with that
It's a different story if I was anonymous
I just don't want my name and face splashed all over the papers

I would love to tell my story
Whether that's in a book
Or getting this blog published
Or submitting to a newspaper or magazine
I feel that my story is relevant
Especially to women
I have over come a lot in my life
I guess my whole life is about over coming hurdles and obstacles
To get my story heard would mean that all of this has not been in vain
That it means something
That it could help someone
Otherwise what is the point of this life?

I was wondering about you
Can you think of any where to get my story heard?
Would you read my book/E book/blog of it was published?