Winter walk

My mum, my brother and his partner, my sister and I

And of course Honey and Lea all bundled in to the car yesterday to go for a winter walk

We walked for a good hour

Before we headed for dinner in a cosy pub 

Here are some photos of us messing
Oh
And to the anonymous commenter who said that I looked 'disgusting' in my Christmas photos
Sorry
You'll have to be more creative with your insults to get me to stop posting photos
Try again....

My name is Ruby and I am an addict

So today is the 27th
Christmas came and went
And my Mother and sister and I think it was a roaring success
And all without a drop of alcohol
Actually thinking about it
That's probably why it was such a success
When I was growing up
Christmas day was always the day to get paralytic drunk
Everyone from my Dad to me drowned the day in alcohol
That is apart from my Mother who rarely touches a drop
We would all get get merry
And have a great time
Then we would cross over in to drunk
A fight always broke out
Someone would insult someone
Someone would get angry
Someone would cry
It always ended in tears
I don't miss that one bit
I can remember as a child hiding in my room
Listening to my parents fight
My father was a horrible drunk
Saying and doing really mean things

One by one
Over the years

We all gave up the drink
My father because he almost lost everything
Including me
My sister because she was losing her son
My other sister as it was a cause for concern in her life too
And me because mine was really getting out of hand
There is rarely alcohol in my house
Most people know that none of us drink
But I have to say
I do miss a drink
The last drink I had was last Christmas
At my uncle's wedding
I had a glass of bubbly
And a couple of vodka and orange juices
I was slightly tipsy
Not drunk

I would love if I could drink in moderation
Have one or two
And leave it at that
But I never seem to be able to do that
Once I start I just find it very hard to stop
Take my brother for instance
Last night he had two glasses of red wine
And left it at that
I could never do that

My family is kind of split down the middle
We have my mother
Who has two brothers and one sister
There seems to be no trace of addiction on her side of the family
Then we have my father
He has nine brothers and sisters
And almost every one of them has addiction issues
Then we have me and my two sisters and brother
My sisters and I all have had a brush with addiction
But my brother seems to have no problem is that area
It seems to be the luck of the draw

I grew up with addiction in my own house
The word itself was in my vocabulary from a young age
I know that I have the type of personality that can become addicted to anything
When I was a child it was white bread and sugar
Then as I grew in to a teenager
I became somewhat addicted to shoplifting
Then smoking at 14
Other drugs and alcohol
And heroin at 18
Which brought me to my knees

But my addiction comes in many weird and wonderful forms
Over the years I have been addicted to all kinds of things
Exercise
Weighing myself
Laxatives
Enemas
Television
Diet pills
Sleeping pills
The internet
If something makes me feel good
I want it again and again
And nothing will get in my way

Addiction is a terrible affliction
There is no doubt about that
It not only effects the addict
But like a ripple in a pond
It effects everyone around them
Not only does the addict get sick
But the whole family gets sick
Addiction very nearly tore my family apart
Actually it did
And it took us years to heal
We are still healing in a lot of ways
With addiction there is always a lot of learning
And a lot of growing
I had the opportunity to go to treatment a few times
And the things that I learned there have stayed with me
It was an amazing experience
I remember when I was there
We used to say that everyone should go to treatment
Not just addicts
Because you learn and grow so much there
Even though addiction very nearly ruined my  family
In a lot of ways it brought  us closer together
We weathered the storm
And came out stronger

Having an addictive personality means that I think differently to other 'normal' people
I do believe that us addicts are slightly different
We have a unique slant on things
That van be both a good thing and a bad thing
I know that I can be super sensitive
I can over think things
And twist them in my mind
But I am also more sensitive and more aware
I like that

Being an addict is part of who I am
Would I change it?
No
Life would be easier yes
Of course
But I wouldn't be me without it
If I lost my addiction
I would lose all those little quirks and foibles that make up my personality
So no
I wouldn't change it
My name is Ruby and I am an addict

Photobomb!

I just wanted to share this photo of me photobombing my uncle and my brother

It gave me a giggle

Hope it gives you one too.....

St. Stephen's Day

It's the day after the night before here

We are all tired and groggy after yesterday's celebrations

I am still not feeling great

But better than I was in the run up to Christmas

Today will probably be spent in front of the TV

What with all the Christmas specials on

I hope you had a peaceful and relaxing day

I got on some sneaky shopping on Christmas Eve

Here's what I bought.....

Christmas Part 2

So  Christmas Day is almost over

We had a full house

I am kind of glad it's over

The day itself can be long and boring

Even though it's a day of peace and joy

I feel disconnected

On the outside of things

Maybe I am too sensitive

I had a really tough day yesterday
Everyone was getting in to the Christmas spirit
But yesterday my weight was up
And no matter how much of my meds I took
I couldn't switch off
So I ended up taking way too much
And nothing
Today my weight was down 1kg
It was the only thing that could lift my mood

Anyway

Here are some photos from the day

Hope you enjoyed yours

No, I am not smoking
I am just holding my Dad's Cuban cigar

Christmas Part 1

Just a little post to wish you all a happy, peaceful and relaxing Christmas Day

I was the first up this morning

I put on my fleecy socks 

And pottered down to the kitchen

I let the dogs out

And made a cup of hot sweet tea

I cradled my cup as I sat by the window

And enjoyed a few quiet minutes before the madness began

After my cuppa

I went and woke my sister and mother

They got up and we all wished each other a happy Christmas

I gave mum her presents

Three books she wanted

And a set of Avoca soaps

Which smelled delicious

My dad then got up

And we brought the dogs for a walk

Down to the lake

And then over to the beach to watch the Christmas swim

Here are some photos

And part 2 I will post tomorrow

I hope you are enjoying your Christmas where ever you are

Whatever you are doing

I hope you are able to forget about your worries

Just for a few hours

God knows you deserve it

We deserve it

We have suffered for long enough

Happy Christmas

To you and yours

Christmas Eve

So it's December 24th
And our house is a hive of activity
Food is being prepared
Beds are being made
Dogs are washed
Presents are wrapped
And the house is being cleaned
There will be 10 of us here tomorrow for Christmas dinner
The first time we have all been together in years
So it is a special one
Especially for my sister who is home for Christmas for the first time in a long time

As for myself
Well I have been feeling a lot better since my methadone was increased
Even though it was just 4mls
It really has made a difference
It's even been making feel nice and sleepy
Which is a bonus

When we went out for lunch on Monday
My other sister commented that I have lost weight
Especially in my face
It bothers me now that people are starting to notice
The last thing I want to do is worry people
And my Dad is coming down today
I am hoping that he doesn't notice
But who am I kidding?
He probably will

So my cravings seems to be under control for the moment
Food is still a battle ground
But I will try my best over Christmas
To keep it together
And try to behave like a normal human being
Easier said than done

So I guess I better get on with the preparations
I know a lot of you are celebrating today
So Happy Christmas to you
And to yours
I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing day
I am going to enjoy it as best I can
With the people I love around me
With Honey and Lea
My two faithful friends who are never far from my side
I am going to have my turkey and ham
And enjoy it
And not feel guilty for enjoying it
I am going to get dressed in my new clothes
Go and watch the Christmas swim at my local beach
I am going to exchange presents with my family
Have dinner with my loved ones
Laugh
Drink
And be merry
Because it is a time to be with family and friends
And a time to celebrate

2015 is almost here
2014 has been a roller coaster to say the least
I started out the year in treatment
That didn't work
And I came home worse than ever
My outlook was bleak
I as losing hope and belief that I would ever get better
Even my dogs weren't  in great form
Lea's fur was falling out
And it was like she was in a depression
In April I 'half heartedly' overdosed
Thank God that Mary was there and stepped in
I spoke to my psychiatrist
And my meds were tweaked
I was started on Prozac

I knew that I had hit rock bottom
I couldn't go any lower
A few weeks later
And I began to notice that things were changing
My depression lifted
And my anxiety lessened
I began to feel normal again
It was such a relief
I started to gain weight
It all happened very quickly
And now I am at a healthy weight

My purging decreased a lot
And I felt brighter and more alive
For the first time in years I began to have hope
Hope that I would get better
That there was a life after ED and addiction

In the summer I went to the UK for 2 weeks
While there I gave up smoking
And am now 21 weeks cigarette free

But about a month ago
I started to lose weight again
I am doing my best not to let this become a full blown relapse
I don't want to start 2015 off on a bad note
It's a constant battle
A constant tug-of-war going on in my head
But I will keep fighting
It's not my style to give up

I guess this is recovery
This is life
It's rarely straight forward
It's not a clear stretch
There are ups and downs
Highs and lows
Good days and bad days
It's not black and white
Life is tough
It's messy
Frustrating
Confusing
Infuriating
Terrifying
Hard
Anxiety provoking
Fear inducing
Stomach churning
Head wrecking
Vomit retching
Tiring
Boring
Mundane
Monotonous
Banal
Exhilarating
Hilarious
Tear jerking
And so much more


Life is a crazy ride
And my life has been especially crazy
But it's my life
This is my little world
My little piece of the earth
And you know what?
I wouldn't have it any other way