Milestone

I mentioned in my last post that I have reached an important milestone today

In fact there are two milestones 

The first one being that I am six months smoke free today

I quit on the 11th of August last year

This is quite an achievement for me

As I loved smoking

Loved everything about it

My life was punctuated with cigarettes

And I enjoyed every one of them 

A cup if tea and a smoke was a constant in my life

Anything could be solved over a cuppa and a smoke

I can't lie

I do miss them

When I see someone smoking

I feel a pang of jealousy

But then remember that they now cost €10 a box

And I don't feel so bad 

I was telling my doctor on Monday that I am six months off them

He was very impressed

I told him that the only reason I gave up was that I couldn't afford them anymore

It didn't bother me that I was smoking myself in to an early grave 

If I was rich

I would most definitely still be smoking

I decided to treat myself for reaching this point (Like I need an excuse)

And bought myself a new hoody

It hasn't arrived yet 

But I will post photos when it does 

On to the second milestone

I am now exactly one year out of treatment

Which means I am one year in to my recovery 

The past year has gone by so quickly

And so much has happened

But I am still here

Still fighting for a better life

And hoping for a better future

Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence

The boy contacted me yesterday

Apologised for the lack of contact

And said that he had been extremely busy

He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up

I do

I do want to see him

I don't want to want to see him

But I do

I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful

As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober

Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask

Kind of

Possibly

Maybe 

Probably

And as well as that

He is impossibly unreliable 

Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober

And that drives me bananas

I mean

If you like me

Tell me

Show me

Let me know for Gods sake

I'm not a mind reader

I can't tell what you are thinking

When you don't text

I presume that you don't want to text me or see me

And when I text you

Text me back dude

Don't leave me hanging

That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears

I've had this feeling about boys in the past

Liking them

Even though I know it's heading for disaster

But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful

And hard to resist

I can't lie

Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling

Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling

And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover

Before now

I haven't had a boyfriend

Or even a potential boyfriend in years 

So it's all very new and exciting

I have never had a sober relationship

I have no idea how that goes

I can't lie

It scares the be-Jesus out of me

Even the thought of kissing someone

Or any thing like that

And dare I say it

S-E-X

It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober

It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED

Sex is just not on your radar

And when you don't have it

You don't miss it

So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life

I had other things on my mind

Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive

I was so sick

Do withdrawn

So down in myself

That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me

I didn't think about them

I didn't long for them

Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now

Now I am actually feeling

Feeling feelings

And emotions

And urges 

And desires

I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved

My body and mind have been re-awakened

That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why

Why this particular boy

The answer to that is I am not entirely sure

Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me

Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'

Maybe because he reminds me off my former life

Maybe because he is dangerous

I don't know

I mean realistically

I know it could never work

My family would be so opposed to it

So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family

It was the same with my ex-boyfriend

My family wanted nothing to go with him

He wasn't welcome in our house

And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship

That made life very difficult

My family got upset if I spent time with him

And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home

I was torn

And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship

I am trying not to fall for this boy

Trying to protect myself

And stand back

To be civil

Maybe even friends

But nothing more

It's hard though

As they say

The heart wants what it wants

But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 

Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 

It feels good to think that someone likes me

And may have a crush on me

It's flattering 

It's a compliment 

It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us

I mean who doesn't want to fall in love

To meet that special someone

To be part of a couple

To have a partner

A best friend

Someone to share a life with

I know I want that

But I also know that I have to be careful

As if I pick the wrong person

It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy

She had a visceral reaction

And she doesn't even know him

It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news

'Menacing' to use her words

I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance

But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family

And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?

I guess I proceed with extreme caution

I need to protect myself 

And not put myself in a vulnerable situation

The feelings I have for him are strong

So I need to do the right thing

And not let my feelings rule what I do

This is one boy

There are plenty of others out there 

And I believe that there is someone for me

Someone who is in a good place

Who will be good for me

And bring out the best in me

I just need to be patient

I am sure I will know him when I meet him

I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing

And possibly even dangerous

I feel like it is progress 

Thus far 

My problems have been related to my ED and addiction

They have been huge and life threatening

And very heavy

Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 

Luxury problems 

First world problems

Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day

Low blood pressure 

Irregular heart beat

Dizziness

Depression

Crippling anxiety

Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not

That my friends 

Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow

But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time

Meeting

I made plans with a friend to go to a meeting tomorrow

It's a lunch time meeting

And I know it's usually small and intimate

I can't lie 

I am really nervous to go 

But I really want to

I think it's an important step in my recovery

Recognising that I need help and support with my various addictions is imperative

I feel like I could relapse at any time

And even though my meds are more tightly regulated 

I still find the opportunity to misuse them

I am trying to stay clean and sober with very little help

And it is damn near impossible 

I feel like I am 'white knuckling' it

Hanging on by my fingertips

I need the support of other recovering addicts

I know that now

And as well as some much needed support

I will also benefit from the social aspect of going to meetings

I feel I am in a place where I am receptive to meeting new people and want to make new friends

It's so easy for me to isolate

To hide out here in my house

I need to get out in to the world

And find myself and my place in this thing we call life

It's now exactly one year since I left treatment

And boy it has been a roller coaster of a year

I am just happy to be in a better place

To be living life more than I have in years

I'm grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who have carried me this far 

My family has been my foundation

My bed rock

They have held through all of this

My Mum 

My Dad 

My sister

My brother and his partner

Honey and lea

You

Have all had an important and integral part in my recovery 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

They have all made up part of my life and recovery

It hasn't been easy

As I have said before

I have had to work so hard to get to the point where most people start of

To say it's been a struggle is an understatement

The last 15 years have taken their toll

I have squeezed more in to that 15 years than most have in a life time

I know I am lucky to be alive

And to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I don't have much to show for my life

No assets 

No money

No house

No partner or children

Some day I hope to have these things

I hope to have my own independent life

But for now

I have everything that I need

A roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

Two dogs at my feet

And my family and friends by my side

What more could a girl want?

I am a big believer in baby steps

As baby steps all add up to be huge strides

Everyday I don't use

And every day I don't starve or purge

Is a good day

It's a day that I 

Ruby

Take on my demons

And fight to survive

Don't get me wrong

Everything is not perfect

I still struggle to a person in this world

I struggle just be

And live in reality

I get bored

And frustrated 

And angry 

And sad

Sometimes I can't stand being in my own head

Or even my own skin 

I struggle to accept myself for who I am

I struggle not to actively hate myself

To believe in myself

To have faith that I can live life beyond my ED and addiction 

I struggle to have a healthy relationship with food

Everyday is a battle not yo starve

And not to purge

I struggle to make peace with my situation

To live life on life's terms

I struggle to want to live a lot of the time

And to ward off feelings of wanting to disappear

But despite all these battles

I am here

I am alive

And I am fighting for a better life

My tendency is to be negative

For my mind to go to dark and twisty places

My natural state of mind is to be maudlin

To feel low

I have to make an effort to be positive

And upbeat

But I have many blessings in my life

Today my life is the best it's been in a long time 

I no longer live under the shadow of depression and anxiety

I no longer feel like a burden to my family

I am in the road to recovery

I  am living proof that people like me can and do survive

So hopefully I will get to this meeting tomorrow

And take the first step in to helping myself stay clean and sober

For those of you who don't know

The meetings I am talking about are Alcoholics Anonymous

And Natcotics Anonymous 

The are support groups for people with alcohol and drug problems

They work off of a 12 step programme 

And from my own experience

They really do work

So today

If you are feeling low

And hopeless  

Tired and broken

Please remember that there is always hope

Hope for a better life

For a better future

I promise you it is possible to get well

To face your demons

And come out stronger

Please know that you are more capable than you ever knew

You have the ability 

And the courage

To make a better life for yourself

So please

Don't give up

Don't ever give up

You are too precious

To important

To be lost to this cruel illness

I know it's exhausting having to fight all the time

Mentally and physically draining

I know 

But please don't give up

We can and will get better

It is possible

I promise you that

New Day

It's a new day

And I am determined to snap out of this funky mood I am in

I hate Sunday's

I always have

It was always the day before going back to school or work

And as anyone who suffers from anxiety will know 

The anticipation of the event is always far worse than the event itself

But there are other things on my mind that I don't really want to write about

But I will mention

The Boy 

The less said about him the better

And my weight 

Ditto

So let's move right along

Something I have noticed recently

Is that our little community here seems to be getting smaller and smaller

I look through my blog roll

And see that so many bloggers have disappeared

Vanished off the face of the blogosphere

And I can't remember the last time I followed a new blog

I'm wondering why this is

Is blogger old news?

Did these missing bloggers get well and tell their demons to f**k right off?

I truly hope so

Maybe they out grew blogger

Maybe they recovered and don't need this community any more

Maybe their lives are so full and rich that they don't have time to blog any more

Or maybe they are so sick they can't write

Maybe they are in treatment or hospital

Maybe they died

I think back to when I first started blogging almost three years ago

And blogger was a hive of activity

And it was so exciting to be part of it

But now

It just seems so quiet

Do you remember Rayya?

Winter?

Thinderella who I got very close to and then she dropped off the face of the earth 

I hope and pray that these girls are ok

We are now a small and intimate community

And it makes me appreciate the ones who are left so much more

We are a tight bunch

And I love that

Yesterday was tough

But I got through it with the help

Of some beautiful bloggers

Who are always there just when I need them

It was my sisters and my dads birthday this week

So we all went out for dinner last night

To a restaurant in the village

For me 

Going out to dinner had always been a waste

I mean I don't want to pay for a meal that will inevitably end up in the toilet

We chose the early bird menu

Three courses for €26

Although it was more like 5 courses

First they brought out bread

Then an amuse Bouche which  was delicious 

For starter I had vegetable soup

It was a nice small bowl 

But by the time I was finished I was full and wasn't particularly looking forward to the main course

But I ploughed on

And had steak for main course

Again it was a small portion with some veg

I got through it 

But was fit to burst

So I excused myself to the bathroom

Joking that I was going for a smoke 

I was glad to see that the bathroom wasn't in cubicles

And was its own room

Do I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me

I gently tried the flush before I began

Just to make sure it was working

And it was 

I did the deed

And felt incredibly guilty and dirty

I cleaned myself up

And returned to the table

Despite my bad mood

And despite my trip to the bathroom

I enjoyed the meal out

We had a good chat

And a good laugh

And all without a drop of alcohol

It wasn't always this way

For a long time my family couldn't be in the same room together

Without tearing lumps out of each other

We've come a long way 

We really have

On a good day.....

On a good day

I wake up refreshed from a good nights sleep

I wake early naturally

On a bad day

I fight the morning

I crave just a few more hours sleep 

On a good day

I feel ok about getting up

And can do so without too much hassle 

On a bad day I dread the day ahead

And would much rather sleep the day away

On a good day I put on the radio

And sing along to pop music that I am much too old to be listening to

I don't mind telling you that Taylor Swift is my guilty pleasure

On a bad day 

I turn in the radio to drown out my thoughts

To stop the noise and negativity in my head

To muffle my thinking

On a good day

I have a shower

And wear fresh clean clothes

On a really good day

I might even straighten my hair

And apply a little bit of make up

On a bad day

I don't even wash

My teeth don't get brushed

And I tie my hair up in a messy pony tail

On a bad day

My personal hygiene definitely suffers

On a good day 

I choose my clothes according to how I feel

And make sure I look half way presentable

On a bad day

I throw on whatever

And can't bring myself to look in the mirror

On a good day

I have no urge to weigh myself

And avoid the scale at all costs

On a bad day

I torture myself

And let the number dictate my mood for the whole day

On a good day

I pile Lea and Honey in to the car

And head to beach for a long walk

On a bad day

I still pile the dogs in to the car

And I still walk the beach 

But I don't enjoy it at all

On a good day

I will plan my meals

And go shopping for the food

On a bad day

I go to the supermarket

And buy lots of binge food

On a good day

I will get through the day

Having purged a couple of times

On a bad day

It is relentless

On a good day

I will take my meds properly

On a bad day

I will take them all

On a good day 

I will go swimming

On a bad day

I won't leave the couch

Never mind the house 

On a good day

I might go for coffee with a friend

I might see a couple of friends

On a bad day

I see no one 

On a good day

I almost pass as a normal person

On a bad day

I don't even know what normal means

On a good day

I feel alive

On a bad day

I feel nothing

On a good day

I am chatty

I laugh

On a bad day 

I withdraw and isolate

On a good day

I feel like I can take on the world 

On a bad day

I want the world to swallow me up

On a good day

I feel hopeful and positive

On a bad day

I feel nothing but fear and anxiety

Today is not a good day

Not at all

But I live in hope that tomorrow will be better

What now?

I feel like me and my blog are in a strange  place right now

I feel like this blog is not what it was

A blog about dealing with life with addiction and disordered eating 

Don't get me wrong 

I still struggle with these issues

But they are not urgent matters in the way they used to be

By 'normal' persons standards

I am still very much an addict

And still very much eating disordered

They don't feel as urgent any more

My life isn't in danger

My mental health isn't in the risky category any more

And my physical health has improved drastically

Life as I know it is a lot better

Heck I've even had my very own boy drama

After years of being single 

I didn't actually realise how low I was until I began to feel better 

My body was so sick

Barely able to get through the day

My mind was also sick

Depression and anxiety were constant

There were many times when I thought that I was going crazy

I truly believed that along with the weight

I was losing my mind

And that terrified me

I had spent all my life running from myself

And trying to escape reality

But the prospect that I really was losing touch with life and reality

Was enough to scare me in to getting well

For the longest time

I really didn't care if I lived or died

I had no shit to give

I courted death

I welcomed it

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

My mind still goes to that place regularly it's like my default way of dealing with life

And perversely 

Knowing I can end my life at any time

Gives me the strength and courage to keep going

A lot of the time

I feel like I am holding on for my family

That I am staying clean and sober and healthy for them

They say you should get well for yourself

But if I did it that way

I would never recover

I find it easier to do it for others 

And I can't lie

I miss drugs

I miss them a lot

But I don't miss all the crap that goes with them

Or the misery that I caused my family

Maybe recovering for others is not idea

But it's the best I can do right now

I would love to go back to meetings

I know it would help me so much

On a practical level

A spiritual level

And for the social aspect

For some reason I am afraid to go back

There are lunch time meetings that I hear are small and intimate

So maybe I could start with those 

I've taken the first steps with my recovery

I have re gained some weight

Dealt with my depression and anxiety

I am more independent now

More and more I do my own thing

And I feel strong and able

Now I guess it's time to take the next step

But what is the next step for me?

I'm really not sure 

Even with this blog

I am not sure what direction it is going

I feel confused about where I am going

I guess I need to make a few decisions

I need to take control of my life

Decide what I want to do

Whether that be recovering or not

At least then I won't feel so all over the place

I want to want to recover

I want to want to live

I know I need to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning

Reasons to live

Raison d'être

Because right now I am drifting 

Floating 

I have no focus

No direction

And I desperately need that

It's like I want both

To have my cake and eat it

I want to take drugs

But I want a stable life

I want to be thin

But I don't want the negative consequences

Unfortunately life doesn't work that way

Being a greedy addict

I want it all

But that is an impossibility 

I still struggle massively with body image

And accepting my weight

I have days when I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it 

 I have days when I cry when I see my reflection on the mirror

Or when my clothes feel a little tight

My body image is still very much entangled in my self esteem and confidence

And it shouldn't be

It shouldn't matter what I weigh

As long as I am healthy and happy

But at the moment it does matter

My weight can make or break my day

It both terrifies me and thrills me

I hate that it still has so much control over me

But it does 

It really does

 I don't know why I find reality so hard to deal with

My life is fine

I have a loving family

Two amazing dogs

A small but close group of friends

I have a roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Good in my fridge 

I have no major bills to pay

Financially I am stable 

My physical and mental health are improving all the time

But yet

I feel so empty 

So dissatisfied 

Like something is missing

I feel like I am constantly wishing my life away 

Counting down the days to when I can check off the planet 

I find reality boring

Monotonous

Tedious

I crave drama

And love

And passion 

Extremes of feelings

I crave adventure 

Highs and lows

I hate this constant and even feeling of life

I guess I need to find healthy ways of meeting these needs

I always thought that the only way to feel these things was to use mood altering chemicals

But there must be other ways

There must be

I think I need to take a leap of faith

To try some new activities 

To free fall in to my own life

What's the worst that could happen right?

I was wondering about you

Have you ever felt this way?

How did you cope?

Get through this?

Any thoughts are much appreciated 

Vet day

Today my sister and I 

And Honey and Lea travelled to my home town

For Honeys follow up appointment

And to get her stitches out

I brought them for a walk first thing

So they wouldn't mind the hour and a half drive

And we arrived at my Dads just before lunch

My sister and Lea waited at the house

And my Dad and I made our way to the vets

Honey was not best pleased to be back at the vet again

But props to her 

She was very good

After waiting for a few minutes 

The vet called us in

He said her eye looked great

And that you can hardly notice the eye is gone

Which is true 

Her fur is growing over the little wound

The vet said that she was in a lot of pain with her eye before the operation

He said he usually takes before and after photos of operations 

To put on his Facebook page

But that Honey was so 'grotesque' before that he didn't take one

There was another matter the vet wanted to talk to me about

The big elephant in the room

Literally

Honeys weight

He said that she has to lose some

If we want her to live a long and healthy life

On the vets scales

Honey weighed in at 17kilos

He said that 13kilos is an ideal weight for her

I asked the vet about the best food to feed both my dogs

He recommended one

And worked out the correct amount to give them

So that is my next mission

To get Honey to a healthy weight

Here are some photos from today.....