And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend

A combination of no Wifi

And writers block

Meant I didn't get to write all weekend

But I'm back now 

So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog

When I started writing three years ago

I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it

Or if I did

I didn't give them the name of my blog

The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction

Without fear of anyone I knew reading it

And that was great for a while

But gradually

Over time

I told more and more people about my blog

And now many people in my real life read my blog

Recently this has effected the way that I write

I find myself editing and censoring my blog

So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried

This has been a huge factor especially in the last month

There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer

And just pour my heart out

But I feel I can't

Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know

I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog

If I want to stay somewhat anonymous

Last week 

A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog

And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog

I know that if you type certain words in to Google

My blog comes up in the first page

It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed

But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 

From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time

Back in 2008

We became firm friends fast

Both around the same age

Both had dual addictions

We had a lot in common

I remember spending so much with her

Watching DVDs 

Walking laps of the grounds

Doing each other's hair

You get so close to people in treatment

I hadn't heard from her in years though

So it was a lovely surprise

She is back in treatment

Having relapsed

She asked me how I was doing

I was able to be really honest with her 

More honest than I have been in a long time

It was such a relief

I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us

I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get

Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way

I am trying to tell you all something

But I don't know if I can

I don't know if it's safe

Once something is put out there

You can't take it back

And that's what I'm worried about

I was planning on telling you all today

But now that it comes down to it

I don't know if I can do it

Apologies

I know I am talking in riddles today

It's hard to explain

You know when you are faced with something or someone 

And you know this situation is dangerous

And no good can come of it

You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach

That tells you to turn around and walk away

Run

It's like a gut instinct 

Even as you walk in to the situation 

You know it's a bad idea

But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong

Praying the situation will work out

I know I should get out now

Before anyone gets hurt

And the person who will get hurt the most is me

Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs

And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today

As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion

But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning

I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week

As I need some space

So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about

In the mean time 

Please bear with me

I will get there eventually 

The Boy update

I mentioned earlier in the week that I was planning on going to a meeting

I'm afraid I didn't go

Fear and anxiety got the better of me 

I got as far as the front door

But no further

And then of course guilt and shame followed that

I was angry at myself for not going

I think in future 

I won't say that I'm going

And just go when I feel able

Walk the walk

Instead of talking the talk

The Boy was in touch a lot this week

He wanted me to call out to him Wednesday 

But I had the flu

So declined his offer

I felt a bit better yesterday

So I texted him in the morning

And said I would call over

He replied that he had to go to work for 'an hour'

And would text me when he was home

It seems that time has ceased to have any meaning for The Boy

As it wasn't until 3 hours later that he texted me to call over

I was to call out to his house

And I was really nervous to drive there by myself 

Because it is a really narrow and dangerous road that he lives on

Plus I am not a very confident driver at the best of times

I have been to his house before 

But I have such a bad sense of direction

That that was of little help

My directions were to take the road out of the village

Go up the hill

Go around two sets of bad bends

Then take the road on the left

Follow this road for about a mile

Pass the water tank

And the hump back bridge

And his house was the first house on the left

Simple right?

Maybe for a normal human being

For me it turned in to a bit of s drama

At first I was fine

I took the road out of the village

Passed the two bad bends

Or so I thought

Nothing looked familiar though

And I had a feeling that I had gone wrong 

I continued down this narrow road

Until I came across a lorry

Stopped in the middle of the road

I pulled in to the side

As I knew I wasn't going to get passed him

I waited to see if it was going to move

But there was no sign

I got out of my car

And saw a guy in the garden of one of the houses

I went over to him

Said hello

And told him I thought I was lost

I had no address so I told him The Boys name

But he didn't know him

He told me to hang on that he would ask his father

Cue another man

They brought me in to the house

Where it looked like a hoarder lived

I repeated my friends name

But this man didn't know him either

He asked me if I had an address

Which I didn't 

But then I remembered the directions about the water tank and the bridge

And suddenly they both knew exactly where I meant

Even so

They kept me talking for another five minutes

Before I thanked them and headed off again

They left me with a warning

To be careful on said road 

As there were 'a lot of fucking lunatics' on it

I jumped back in to my car

And turned in a very tight spot

I was sure I was going to end up in a ditch

And I was starting to regret leaving the house at all

I headed back down the road

And took the first right at the crossroads

It was such a narrow road

I prayed that I wouldn't meet another car

And thankfully I didn't

I came across the water tank

And then recognised The Boys house

I breathed a sigh of relief

The Boy let me in

And I related my little adventure

He laughed

We made tea

And sat in his living room

He had very kindly made me up a natural remedy to take for my flu

Very thoughtful

We chatted for hours

And the more time  I spent with him

The more I realised that I don't want anything other than friendship from him

He is a nice guy

Funny 

Super smart

And loyal

But there is no attraction there

And I am grateful for that 

For at least now I know where we stand

As friends

And nothing more

I stayed in his house for a few hours

I thought being around a smoker would drive me nuts

But it didn't 

I didn't mind at all

 

So we are friends

And that is more than enough for me

That special someone is still out there for me

I just have to find him......

Milestone

I mentioned in my last post that I have reached an important milestone today

In fact there are two milestones 

The first one being that I am six months smoke free today

I quit on the 11th of August last year

This is quite an achievement for me

As I loved smoking

Loved everything about it

My life was punctuated with cigarettes

And I enjoyed every one of them 

A cup if tea and a smoke was a constant in my life

Anything could be solved over a cuppa and a smoke

I can't lie

I do miss them

When I see someone smoking

I feel a pang of jealousy

But then remember that they now cost €10 a box

And I don't feel so bad 

I was telling my doctor on Monday that I am six months off them

He was very impressed

I told him that the only reason I gave up was that I couldn't afford them anymore

It didn't bother me that I was smoking myself in to an early grave 

If I was rich

I would most definitely still be smoking

I decided to treat myself for reaching this point (Like I need an excuse)

And bought myself a new hoody

It hasn't arrived yet 

But I will post photos when it does 

On to the second milestone

I am now exactly one year out of treatment

Which means I am one year in to my recovery 

The past year has gone by so quickly

And so much has happened

But I am still here

Still fighting for a better life

And hoping for a better future

Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence

The boy contacted me yesterday

Apologised for the lack of contact

And said that he had been extremely busy

He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up

I do

I do want to see him

I don't want to want to see him

But I do

I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful

As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober

Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask

Kind of

Possibly

Maybe 

Probably

And as well as that

He is impossibly unreliable 

Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober

And that drives me bananas

I mean

If you like me

Tell me

Show me

Let me know for Gods sake

I'm not a mind reader

I can't tell what you are thinking

When you don't text

I presume that you don't want to text me or see me

And when I text you

Text me back dude

Don't leave me hanging

That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears

I've had this feeling about boys in the past

Liking them

Even though I know it's heading for disaster

But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful

And hard to resist

I can't lie

Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling

Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling

And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover

Before now

I haven't had a boyfriend

Or even a potential boyfriend in years 

So it's all very new and exciting

I have never had a sober relationship

I have no idea how that goes

I can't lie

It scares the be-Jesus out of me

Even the thought of kissing someone

Or any thing like that

And dare I say it

S-E-X

It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober

It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED

Sex is just not on your radar

And when you don't have it

You don't miss it

So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life

I had other things on my mind

Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive

I was so sick

Do withdrawn

So down in myself

That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me

I didn't think about them

I didn't long for them

Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now

Now I am actually feeling

Feeling feelings

And emotions

And urges 

And desires

I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved

My body and mind have been re-awakened

That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why

Why this particular boy

The answer to that is I am not entirely sure

Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me

Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'

Maybe because he reminds me off my former life

Maybe because he is dangerous

I don't know

I mean realistically

I know it could never work

My family would be so opposed to it

So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family

It was the same with my ex-boyfriend

My family wanted nothing to go with him

He wasn't welcome in our house

And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship

That made life very difficult

My family got upset if I spent time with him

And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home

I was torn

And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship

I am trying not to fall for this boy

Trying to protect myself

And stand back

To be civil

Maybe even friends

But nothing more

It's hard though

As they say

The heart wants what it wants

But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 

Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 

It feels good to think that someone likes me

And may have a crush on me

It's flattering 

It's a compliment 

It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us

I mean who doesn't want to fall in love

To meet that special someone

To be part of a couple

To have a partner

A best friend

Someone to share a life with

I know I want that

But I also know that I have to be careful

As if I pick the wrong person

It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy

She had a visceral reaction

And she doesn't even know him

It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news

'Menacing' to use her words

I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance

But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family

And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?

I guess I proceed with extreme caution

I need to protect myself 

And not put myself in a vulnerable situation

The feelings I have for him are strong

So I need to do the right thing

And not let my feelings rule what I do

This is one boy

There are plenty of others out there 

And I believe that there is someone for me

Someone who is in a good place

Who will be good for me

And bring out the best in me

I just need to be patient

I am sure I will know him when I meet him

I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing

And possibly even dangerous

I feel like it is progress 

Thus far 

My problems have been related to my ED and addiction

They have been huge and life threatening

And very heavy

Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 

Luxury problems 

First world problems

Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day

Low blood pressure 

Irregular heart beat

Dizziness

Depression

Crippling anxiety

Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not

That my friends 

Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow

But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time

Meeting

I made plans with a friend to go to a meeting tomorrow

It's a lunch time meeting

And I know it's usually small and intimate

I can't lie 

I am really nervous to go 

But I really want to

I think it's an important step in my recovery

Recognising that I need help and support with my various addictions is imperative

I feel like I could relapse at any time

And even though my meds are more tightly regulated 

I still find the opportunity to misuse them

I am trying to stay clean and sober with very little help

And it is damn near impossible 

I feel like I am 'white knuckling' it

Hanging on by my fingertips

I need the support of other recovering addicts

I know that now

And as well as some much needed support

I will also benefit from the social aspect of going to meetings

I feel I am in a place where I am receptive to meeting new people and want to make new friends

It's so easy for me to isolate

To hide out here in my house

I need to get out in to the world

And find myself and my place in this thing we call life

It's now exactly one year since I left treatment

And boy it has been a roller coaster of a year

I am just happy to be in a better place

To be living life more than I have in years

I'm grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who have carried me this far 

My family has been my foundation

My bed rock

They have held through all of this

My Mum 

My Dad 

My sister

My brother and his partner

Honey and lea

You

Have all had an important and integral part in my recovery 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

They have all made up part of my life and recovery

It hasn't been easy

As I have said before

I have had to work so hard to get to the point where most people start of

To say it's been a struggle is an understatement

The last 15 years have taken their toll

I have squeezed more in to that 15 years than most have in a life time

I know I am lucky to be alive

And to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I don't have much to show for my life

No assets 

No money

No house

No partner or children

Some day I hope to have these things

I hope to have my own independent life

But for now

I have everything that I need

A roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

Two dogs at my feet

And my family and friends by my side

What more could a girl want?

I am a big believer in baby steps

As baby steps all add up to be huge strides

Everyday I don't use

And every day I don't starve or purge

Is a good day

It's a day that I 

Ruby

Take on my demons

And fight to survive

Don't get me wrong

Everything is not perfect

I still struggle to a person in this world

I struggle just be

And live in reality

I get bored

And frustrated 

And angry 

And sad

Sometimes I can't stand being in my own head

Or even my own skin 

I struggle to accept myself for who I am

I struggle not to actively hate myself

To believe in myself

To have faith that I can live life beyond my ED and addiction 

I struggle to have a healthy relationship with food

Everyday is a battle not yo starve

And not to purge

I struggle to make peace with my situation

To live life on life's terms

I struggle to want to live a lot of the time

And to ward off feelings of wanting to disappear

But despite all these battles

I am here

I am alive

And I am fighting for a better life

My tendency is to be negative

For my mind to go to dark and twisty places

My natural state of mind is to be maudlin

To feel low

I have to make an effort to be positive

And upbeat

But I have many blessings in my life

Today my life is the best it's been in a long time 

I no longer live under the shadow of depression and anxiety

I no longer feel like a burden to my family

I am in the road to recovery

I  am living proof that people like me can and do survive

So hopefully I will get to this meeting tomorrow

And take the first step in to helping myself stay clean and sober

For those of you who don't know

The meetings I am talking about are Alcoholics Anonymous

And Natcotics Anonymous 

The are support groups for people with alcohol and drug problems

They work off of a 12 step programme 

And from my own experience

They really do work

So today

If you are feeling low

And hopeless  

Tired and broken

Please remember that there is always hope

Hope for a better life

For a better future

I promise you it is possible to get well

To face your demons

And come out stronger

Please know that you are more capable than you ever knew

You have the ability 

And the courage

To make a better life for yourself

So please

Don't give up

Don't ever give up

You are too precious

To important

To be lost to this cruel illness

I know it's exhausting having to fight all the time

Mentally and physically draining

I know 

But please don't give up

We can and will get better

It is possible

I promise you that

New Day

It's a new day

And I am determined to snap out of this funky mood I am in

I hate Sunday's

I always have

It was always the day before going back to school or work

And as anyone who suffers from anxiety will know 

The anticipation of the event is always far worse than the event itself

But there are other things on my mind that I don't really want to write about

But I will mention

The Boy 

The less said about him the better

And my weight 

Ditto

So let's move right along

Something I have noticed recently

Is that our little community here seems to be getting smaller and smaller

I look through my blog roll

And see that so many bloggers have disappeared

Vanished off the face of the blogosphere

And I can't remember the last time I followed a new blog

I'm wondering why this is

Is blogger old news?

Did these missing bloggers get well and tell their demons to f**k right off?

I truly hope so

Maybe they out grew blogger

Maybe they recovered and don't need this community any more

Maybe their lives are so full and rich that they don't have time to blog any more

Or maybe they are so sick they can't write

Maybe they are in treatment or hospital

Maybe they died

I think back to when I first started blogging almost three years ago

And blogger was a hive of activity

And it was so exciting to be part of it

But now

It just seems so quiet

Do you remember Rayya?

Winter?

Thinderella who I got very close to and then she dropped off the face of the earth 

I hope and pray that these girls are ok

We are now a small and intimate community

And it makes me appreciate the ones who are left so much more

We are a tight bunch

And I love that

Yesterday was tough

But I got through it with the help

Of some beautiful bloggers

Who are always there just when I need them

It was my sisters and my dads birthday this week

So we all went out for dinner last night

To a restaurant in the village

For me 

Going out to dinner had always been a waste

I mean I don't want to pay for a meal that will inevitably end up in the toilet

We chose the early bird menu

Three courses for €26

Although it was more like 5 courses

First they brought out bread

Then an amuse Bouche which  was delicious 

For starter I had vegetable soup

It was a nice small bowl 

But by the time I was finished I was full and wasn't particularly looking forward to the main course

But I ploughed on

And had steak for main course

Again it was a small portion with some veg

I got through it 

But was fit to burst

So I excused myself to the bathroom

Joking that I was going for a smoke 

I was glad to see that the bathroom wasn't in cubicles

And was its own room

Do I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me

I gently tried the flush before I began

Just to make sure it was working

And it was 

I did the deed

And felt incredibly guilty and dirty

I cleaned myself up

And returned to the table

Despite my bad mood

And despite my trip to the bathroom

I enjoyed the meal out

We had a good chat

And a good laugh

And all without a drop of alcohol

It wasn't always this way

For a long time my family couldn't be in the same room together

Without tearing lumps out of each other

We've come a long way 

We really have

On a good day.....

On a good day

I wake up refreshed from a good nights sleep

I wake early naturally

On a bad day

I fight the morning

I crave just a few more hours sleep 

On a good day

I feel ok about getting up

And can do so without too much hassle 

On a bad day I dread the day ahead

And would much rather sleep the day away

On a good day I put on the radio

And sing along to pop music that I am much too old to be listening to

I don't mind telling you that Taylor Swift is my guilty pleasure

On a bad day 

I turn in the radio to drown out my thoughts

To stop the noise and negativity in my head

To muffle my thinking

On a good day

I have a shower

And wear fresh clean clothes

On a really good day

I might even straighten my hair

And apply a little bit of make up

On a bad day

I don't even wash

My teeth don't get brushed

And I tie my hair up in a messy pony tail

On a bad day

My personal hygiene definitely suffers

On a good day 

I choose my clothes according to how I feel

And make sure I look half way presentable

On a bad day

I throw on whatever

And can't bring myself to look in the mirror

On a good day

I have no urge to weigh myself

And avoid the scale at all costs

On a bad day

I torture myself

And let the number dictate my mood for the whole day

On a good day

I pile Lea and Honey in to the car

And head to beach for a long walk

On a bad day

I still pile the dogs in to the car

And I still walk the beach 

But I don't enjoy it at all

On a good day

I will plan my meals

And go shopping for the food

On a bad day

I go to the supermarket

And buy lots of binge food

On a good day

I will get through the day

Having purged a couple of times

On a bad day

It is relentless

On a good day

I will take my meds properly

On a bad day

I will take them all

On a good day 

I will go swimming

On a bad day

I won't leave the couch

Never mind the house 

On a good day

I might go for coffee with a friend

I might see a couple of friends

On a bad day

I see no one 

On a good day

I almost pass as a normal person

On a bad day

I don't even know what normal means

On a good day

I feel alive

On a bad day

I feel nothing

On a good day

I am chatty

I laugh

On a bad day 

I withdraw and isolate

On a good day

I feel like I can take on the world 

On a bad day

I want the world to swallow me up

On a good day

I feel hopeful and positive

On a bad day

I feel nothing but fear and anxiety

Today is not a good day

Not at all

But I live in hope that tomorrow will be better