Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor

What a relief it is to have finally told him

The nerves about this appointment started last week

When I realised I needed help

Last night full blown anxiety kicked in

I was dreading telling my doctor

Not because I was worried about what he would say

I mean what can he say?

But because I hate to disappoint people

Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED

I hate to let someone down

Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years

So needless to say

I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning

My appointment was at 9 20am

So I had some time to kill

So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things

I haven't told my mother or sister yet

So I've really had no one to talk to

Apart from you lovely ladies

But still

I hate keeping this from them

And I think they know something is up

As I've been going out a lot

And have been very distant 

I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using

They usually can tell straight away

But then I am being very devious and sneaky

And maybe they do suspect 

I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car

And my mother and I set off for the doctor

She brought them down to the beach

While I went to the surgery

I had to wait for about 20 minutes

I'm sure the worry was written on my face

I was agitated and fidgety 

At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it

Then I heard my name called

And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room

And sat in my usual seat

He tapped away on his computer for a moment

Before asking me how I was

I took a deep breath

And told him things were not good

And that I had some bad news 

'I've been using' I blurted out

He looked really surprised

Shocked even

'What happened?' He asked

I told him about The Boy

Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 

It was all new and my stupidity

He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 

I told him neither

And explained about the poppy tea

He sat back in his chair

And looked really disappointed 

He asked me some more about the boy

And what I planned to do now

I told him that The Boy is moving

So at least temptation will be further away

At this point he took out a drug test

And asked me for a urine sample

I went off to the bathroom

And peed on to the little cup

It was then that I suddenly thought

What if this is clean?

What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?

And it wasn't poppy tea all

I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room

He was still tapping on his computer

After a couple of minutes he checked the sample

'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked

I said I hadn't

But I had been in a room where it was being smoked

Anyway

The sample was positive for opiates and hash

My heart sank a bit

Now it all seems so real

Before I told anyone 

I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad

And that there was nothing really to worry about

But seeing how serious my doctor took me today

I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script

I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone

He gave me a point blank no

But after I expressed concern about withdrawal

He agreed to increase it by 4 mls

I was glad

And I am also back on daily dispensing

As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor

I could easily have got away with not telling him

As he rarely drug tests me

But I know it was the right thing to do

And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support

And I feel a bit better about the whole situation

I am reluctant to tell my family

And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them

I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold

And if I feel I need to tell them

I will

My weight is suffering through all of this

And I've lost a few pounds

But I guess that was to be expected

And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So

My plan for the week?

I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today

I am collecting my meds daily

I will avoid The Boy at all costs

Which is going to be hard

But has to be done

I'm going to go back swimming

As I know it is good for me

And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 

All this feels manageable 

And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs

I have no resistance 

No capacity to say no

And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls

You know who you are

For your comments, texts and emails

For your honesty

Your kind words

Your concern

And your love

It means more to me than you will ever know

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break

And I did 

I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me

As you know I write everyday

And if I don't

Then there is something most definitely up

But my head feels clear today

So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy

The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend

I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month

The first time I met him in a coffee shop

The next couple of times 

I called to his house 

The first time I met him

He seemed really together

He was just finishing up a course

And was starting work

I got no bad vibes off him

I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him

All was good

Or so I thought

The next week

He picked me up and we went out to his house

Straight away I felt uneasy

As I got the smell of weed

Now I have a bit of a problem with weed

In that I don't like it

And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid

Anyway

As TheBoy made tea

He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea

I had no idea what a poppy tea was

He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant

Poppy plants which he grows himself

He showed me the pods

And I was intrigued

He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin

And did I want to try some

Here is the part where I messed up

I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me

I haven't got the power to say no

So I said yes

And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light

It was like a constantly soft feeling

Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting

God forgive me I loved the feeling

I went home that night

Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family

But I kept nodding off

And falling asleep

He gave me some to bring home

And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep

In and out of reality

I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 

Is that no matter how fast or hard you run

Reality is always just around the corner

It's a game of cat and mouse

And I'm always playing catch up

I've wondered about this a lot recently

Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality

Even before this slip

I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy

So what is it?

What is it that I am running from?

Myself?

My own head?

Reality?

What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?

Is my world and reality so awful?

I mean

I have everything I could possibly need

A caring and loving family

Who want nothing but the best for me

I have good support from my doctor and other professionals

I have two dogs who are the light of my life

I have a small circle of close friends

I have my health for the most part

I have no major bills to worry about

Yes

My world is fairly safe and comfortable

So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality

I like to feel out of it 

And out of my own thoughts 

Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me

But the thing is

I can't have all the things I just mentioned

And a drug habit

I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture

I lose my family

My friends

I'm not present for my dogs

I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy

And he challenges that belief

I look at him

And I see that he works

He functions

And all while using drugs

I started to think that maybe I could have it all

Maybe I could function with drugs in my life

Maybe I could find that balance

But in my heart

I know that is utter horse shit

I've proved that over the last few weeks

And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too

Back when I had to collect my meds every day

I was doing better

As it was taken out of my hands

But now I am back to getting them twice weekly

And I am all over the place again

So

First things first

I need to talk to my doctor

And I want to make it clear

This was my choice

No one made me drink the tea

That was all me

It was all me

And my silly choices

I need to tell him

And be honest 

And just see what he says

I don't know

I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 

It's been a constant tug of war

And in the last few weeks

Drugs have been winning

I need to get back on track

Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it

And surrender to my need for escape

I know that is not the answer 

The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be

Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality

My life

My family

Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be

For them

Like I am holding on

For them

Keeping it together

For them

And when you feel like you are holding it together for others

You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself

Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system

Get out of my head one last time

But I quickly realise that is not the answer

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision

One way or the other

As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 

I don't need to tell you

That writing this post was more than difficult 

But I feel it is important to be honest

I haven't told my family yet

But I know I will have to eventually

In the mean time

It's a chance for me to take stock

And re-evaluate where I am

And where I am going

Because right now

I haven't an earthly clue

Untitled

Just a quick post to let you know that I am taking a blogging break

I know my last post probably didn't make a lot of sense

And I can't say any more than that at the moment

I need to get my head head together

I need some time and space to get back on track

I hope you understand

Recent events have really tested me

And where I claim to be in my recovery

Maybe a month ago I could have said I was in recovery

But unfortunately I can't say that now in all honesty

And that is typically me

Going ahead in to situations

Even though people warn me not to

And even though my better judgement tells me not to

I still plough ahead hoping for the best

And forgetting about the destruction it could cause

Please bear with me

I will be back

I promise you back

I just need to do this

I hope you understand 

In the mean time......

And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend

A combination of no Wifi

And writers block

Meant I didn't get to write all weekend

But I'm back now 

So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog

When I started writing three years ago

I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it

Or if I did

I didn't give them the name of my blog

The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction

Without fear of anyone I knew reading it

And that was great for a while

But gradually

Over time

I told more and more people about my blog

And now many people in my real life read my blog

Recently this has effected the way that I write

I find myself editing and censoring my blog

So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried

This has been a huge factor especially in the last month

There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer

And just pour my heart out

But I feel I can't

Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know

I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog

If I want to stay somewhat anonymous

Last week 

A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog

And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog

I know that if you type certain words in to Google

My blog comes up in the first page

It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed

But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 

From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time

Back in 2008

We became firm friends fast

Both around the same age

Both had dual addictions

We had a lot in common

I remember spending so much with her

Watching DVDs 

Walking laps of the grounds

Doing each other's hair

You get so close to people in treatment

I hadn't heard from her in years though

So it was a lovely surprise

She is back in treatment

Having relapsed

She asked me how I was doing

I was able to be really honest with her 

More honest than I have been in a long time

It was such a relief

I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us

I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get

Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way

I am trying to tell you all something

But I don't know if I can

I don't know if it's safe

Once something is put out there

You can't take it back

And that's what I'm worried about

I was planning on telling you all today

But now that it comes down to it

I don't know if I can do it

Apologies

I know I am talking in riddles today

It's hard to explain

You know when you are faced with something or someone 

And you know this situation is dangerous

And no good can come of it

You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach

That tells you to turn around and walk away

Run

It's like a gut instinct 

Even as you walk in to the situation 

You know it's a bad idea

But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong

Praying the situation will work out

I know I should get out now

Before anyone gets hurt

And the person who will get hurt the most is me

Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs

And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today

As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion

But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning

I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week

As I need some space

So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about

In the mean time 

Please bear with me

I will get there eventually 

The Boy update

I mentioned earlier in the week that I was planning on going to a meeting

I'm afraid I didn't go

Fear and anxiety got the better of me 

I got as far as the front door

But no further

And then of course guilt and shame followed that

I was angry at myself for not going

I think in future 

I won't say that I'm going

And just go when I feel able

Walk the walk

Instead of talking the talk

The Boy was in touch a lot this week

He wanted me to call out to him Wednesday 

But I had the flu

So declined his offer

I felt a bit better yesterday

So I texted him in the morning

And said I would call over

He replied that he had to go to work for 'an hour'

And would text me when he was home

It seems that time has ceased to have any meaning for The Boy

As it wasn't until 3 hours later that he texted me to call over

I was to call out to his house

And I was really nervous to drive there by myself 

Because it is a really narrow and dangerous road that he lives on

Plus I am not a very confident driver at the best of times

I have been to his house before 

But I have such a bad sense of direction

That that was of little help

My directions were to take the road out of the village

Go up the hill

Go around two sets of bad bends

Then take the road on the left

Follow this road for about a mile

Pass the water tank

And the hump back bridge

And his house was the first house on the left

Simple right?

Maybe for a normal human being

For me it turned in to a bit of s drama

At first I was fine

I took the road out of the village

Passed the two bad bends

Or so I thought

Nothing looked familiar though

And I had a feeling that I had gone wrong 

I continued down this narrow road

Until I came across a lorry

Stopped in the middle of the road

I pulled in to the side

As I knew I wasn't going to get passed him

I waited to see if it was going to move

But there was no sign

I got out of my car

And saw a guy in the garden of one of the houses

I went over to him

Said hello

And told him I thought I was lost

I had no address so I told him The Boys name

But he didn't know him

He told me to hang on that he would ask his father

Cue another man

They brought me in to the house

Where it looked like a hoarder lived

I repeated my friends name

But this man didn't know him either

He asked me if I had an address

Which I didn't 

But then I remembered the directions about the water tank and the bridge

And suddenly they both knew exactly where I meant

Even so

They kept me talking for another five minutes

Before I thanked them and headed off again

They left me with a warning

To be careful on said road 

As there were 'a lot of fucking lunatics' on it

I jumped back in to my car

And turned in a very tight spot

I was sure I was going to end up in a ditch

And I was starting to regret leaving the house at all

I headed back down the road

And took the first right at the crossroads

It was such a narrow road

I prayed that I wouldn't meet another car

And thankfully I didn't

I came across the water tank

And then recognised The Boys house

I breathed a sigh of relief

The Boy let me in

And I related my little adventure

He laughed

We made tea

And sat in his living room

He had very kindly made me up a natural remedy to take for my flu

Very thoughtful

We chatted for hours

And the more time  I spent with him

The more I realised that I don't want anything other than friendship from him

He is a nice guy

Funny 

Super smart

And loyal

But there is no attraction there

And I am grateful for that 

For at least now I know where we stand

As friends

And nothing more

I stayed in his house for a few hours

I thought being around a smoker would drive me nuts

But it didn't 

I didn't mind at all

 

So we are friends

And that is more than enough for me

That special someone is still out there for me

I just have to find him......

Milestone

I mentioned in my last post that I have reached an important milestone today

In fact there are two milestones 

The first one being that I am six months smoke free today

I quit on the 11th of August last year

This is quite an achievement for me

As I loved smoking

Loved everything about it

My life was punctuated with cigarettes

And I enjoyed every one of them 

A cup if tea and a smoke was a constant in my life

Anything could be solved over a cuppa and a smoke

I can't lie

I do miss them

When I see someone smoking

I feel a pang of jealousy

But then remember that they now cost €10 a box

And I don't feel so bad 

I was telling my doctor on Monday that I am six months off them

He was very impressed

I told him that the only reason I gave up was that I couldn't afford them anymore

It didn't bother me that I was smoking myself in to an early grave 

If I was rich

I would most definitely still be smoking

I decided to treat myself for reaching this point (Like I need an excuse)

And bought myself a new hoody

It hasn't arrived yet 

But I will post photos when it does 

On to the second milestone

I am now exactly one year out of treatment

Which means I am one year in to my recovery 

The past year has gone by so quickly

And so much has happened

But I am still here

Still fighting for a better life

And hoping for a better future

Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence

The boy contacted me yesterday

Apologised for the lack of contact

And said that he had been extremely busy

He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up

I do

I do want to see him

I don't want to want to see him

But I do

I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful

As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober

Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask

Kind of

Possibly

Maybe 

Probably

And as well as that

He is impossibly unreliable 

Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober

And that drives me bananas

I mean

If you like me

Tell me

Show me

Let me know for Gods sake

I'm not a mind reader

I can't tell what you are thinking

When you don't text

I presume that you don't want to text me or see me

And when I text you

Text me back dude

Don't leave me hanging

That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears

I've had this feeling about boys in the past

Liking them

Even though I know it's heading for disaster

But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful

And hard to resist

I can't lie

Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling

Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling

And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover

Before now

I haven't had a boyfriend

Or even a potential boyfriend in years 

So it's all very new and exciting

I have never had a sober relationship

I have no idea how that goes

I can't lie

It scares the be-Jesus out of me

Even the thought of kissing someone

Or any thing like that

And dare I say it

S-E-X

It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober

It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED

Sex is just not on your radar

And when you don't have it

You don't miss it

So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life

I had other things on my mind

Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive

I was so sick

Do withdrawn

So down in myself

That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me

I didn't think about them

I didn't long for them

Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now

Now I am actually feeling

Feeling feelings

And emotions

And urges 

And desires

I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved

My body and mind have been re-awakened

That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why

Why this particular boy

The answer to that is I am not entirely sure

Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me

Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'

Maybe because he reminds me off my former life

Maybe because he is dangerous

I don't know

I mean realistically

I know it could never work

My family would be so opposed to it

So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family

It was the same with my ex-boyfriend

My family wanted nothing to go with him

He wasn't welcome in our house

And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship

That made life very difficult

My family got upset if I spent time with him

And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home

I was torn

And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship

I am trying not to fall for this boy

Trying to protect myself

And stand back

To be civil

Maybe even friends

But nothing more

It's hard though

As they say

The heart wants what it wants

But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 

Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 

It feels good to think that someone likes me

And may have a crush on me

It's flattering 

It's a compliment 

It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us

I mean who doesn't want to fall in love

To meet that special someone

To be part of a couple

To have a partner

A best friend

Someone to share a life with

I know I want that

But I also know that I have to be careful

As if I pick the wrong person

It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy

She had a visceral reaction

And she doesn't even know him

It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news

'Menacing' to use her words

I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance

But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family

And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?

I guess I proceed with extreme caution

I need to protect myself 

And not put myself in a vulnerable situation

The feelings I have for him are strong

So I need to do the right thing

And not let my feelings rule what I do

This is one boy

There are plenty of others out there 

And I believe that there is someone for me

Someone who is in a good place

Who will be good for me

And bring out the best in me

I just need to be patient

I am sure I will know him when I meet him

I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing

And possibly even dangerous

I feel like it is progress 

Thus far 

My problems have been related to my ED and addiction

They have been huge and life threatening

And very heavy

Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 

Luxury problems 

First world problems

Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day

Low blood pressure 

Irregular heart beat

Dizziness

Depression

Crippling anxiety

Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not

That my friends 

Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow

But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time