Anorexia picture

I was browsing the internet yesterday

Looking at this and that

There was a particular picture I wanted to find

It's a picture of a girl

With a skinny little body wrapped around her

I think it's a great image to describe what it is like to live with an eating disorder

It's almost like having another entity surround you

It takes you over

Like it's in control of you

In charge of your thoughts and actions

Anyway

I was looking for this picture

And I typed 'Anorexia photo' in to Google
I was scrolling down
Skimming the images
When towards the end of the page
I found myself looking at a familiar face
I know that person I thought
I recognised what they were wearing
The mirror the photo was taken facing
And the room
I looked closer
And suddenly realised that it was me!
I did a double take and checked again and again
But it was in fact me
A very recent photo of me in my new stripey dress

I know that I put images of myself and my blog
And I write every day
So my pictures and words fall in to the abyss that is the internet
And I guess when you do that
You give that information away
It's not your own anymore
However
It was still a shock to see it

Then this morning
I decided to check again
To see if I was imagining things yesterday
But the photo had vanished
In fact it seemed to be an entirely different set of images
So I am wondering if that photo of me was there because I used my own phone
And I look at my blog here every day
Or was it just a fluke?
It makes me realise that I need to be very careful what I post on the Internet
As once it's put out there
It's not your own anymore

So I'm wondering
Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever come across a photo of yourself on the Internet in an unusual place?
Do you post photos of yourself on the Internet?
If not why not?
I'd love to know.......

Day 1

So today was my first meeting

Of the 90 in 90 days that I am doing

Well

Kind of

I woke early 

Collected my meds

Went for a walk with my Mum and dogs

Did the food shopping

And texted my friend Marie to see if she was still up for going to the meeting

She was

And I arranged to meet her at her house at 11 30am

I got home 

Had a quick cuppa 

And headed out

I deliberately kept busy in the morning

So I wouldn't have time to talk myself out of not going

I really wanted to go

And to say that is huge

That I actually want to go to a meeting 

For me

Not because I think it's what I should go

Not to appease my family

Not to meet other addicts

But for me

For my recovery

For my sanity

For my peace of mind

For my own crazy head

I arrived at Marie's on time

The meeting was about half an hour away

And we picked up another girl on the way

This was a bit of a big deal for me too

As meeting someone new is not something I do a lot of

But we had a great chat in the car on the way

And arrived just before 12 30pm

The time we thought the meetibg started

Just then we saw a member coming out of a shop

We rolled down the window and asked her what time the meeting was at

She said it was already over

That it had in fact started at 11am

This was pretty unusual

As meetings during the day usually start at 1pm

However it was over 

There was nothing we could do about it

We met up with another member

And decided to go for coffee

In the end

We had a lovely time 

Almost like our own little meeting

I wasn't going to count today as day 1

But my friends suggested that I do

As my intention was there

And we kind of did have a meeting

So I am going to count it

One down 

89 to go

There were times today 

When I felt really awkward

Like I had nothing worthwhile to say or contribute

Like I was a boring person with nothing interesting to say for myself 

Like I wasn't pretty enough

Thin enough

Good enough

I must make it clear that my friends didn't make me feel this way

Not at all

This all comes from my low self esteem

And non existent confidence 

But even though I had these feelings

I still did it

I left my house 

I tried to get to a meeting

I met new people

I tried my best to be myself

To get on with others

And you know what?

I really enjoyed it

I had a great time

I chatted

I listened 

I spoke a little bit

I was open

I laughed

It felt good to step outside my comfort zone

And do something new

I'm now back home

And I feel like I am on cloud nine

I feel positive

Hopeful

I feel pumped for these 90 days

I feel it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time

I don't doubt that it will be hard 

But then nothing worth doing ever is

I owe it to myself and my family to give this a chance

I really feel like it is the right thing to do

I told Marie what I was planning on doing

She thought it was a great idea

And made the point that even if I don't  get to a meeting every single day

At least I will be on the right path

All it takes is everything I've got

I only have to change one thing

Everything

So tomorrow is Day 2

I am to go to a lunch time meeting locally

And am picking up Marie on the way

I've decided to use Em's suggestion

And mark off the days on a calendar

To keep track of my progress

I feel so excited to do this

So full of hope

I know it's the right thing to do

I can just feel it

90 Days

When someone comes out of treatment
Or is just starting to recover
It is often suggested that the person do 90 meeting in 90 days
At least one meeting a day
To get a good start
A solid foundation on which to build on
To get used to meetings
To get some discipline back in their life
Correct me if I am wrong
But I think this tradition started in the US
When someone was in court for offences relating to alcohol abuse
Instead of sending the person to jail
They were told to do 90 meetings in 90 days
AA then borrowed this idea

So I am thinking of doing this
Of really giving it a shot
Throwing myself in to meetings
It can only be a good thing
I was going to start on Monday
But my friend texted me to ask if I wanted to go to a meeting today
So am going to start today
I have worked it out
And there is a meeting within 30 minutes of my house every day
So it really is possible
If I put my mind to it
My heart and soul in to it
I have nothing to lose
And every thing to gain

It's two weeks now since I last used
I've finally wrapped my head about the fact that I can't use
Anything
It's all or nothing
Sobriety or oblivion
I think I am doing ok considering where I was this time two weeks ago
I am doing my best to live in reality
And not try to run away from myself and my life
I talked it over with my sister about doing the 90 meetings
I think it would be a good challenge for me
Something to focus on
A reason to get up in the morning
A purpose
I'm always complaining that I am bored
This would give me something to do every day
The more I think about it
The more I like the idea

I expressed concern to my sister that I might not complete the 90 days
But she made the point there is nothing wrong with trying
She is dead right
All I can do is my best
So I am going to try
I'm doing this for me
For my recovery
My sanity
My peace of mind
And of course everyone around me will benefit too

I know some of you out there go to meetings
Has anyone ever done 90 meetings in 90 days?

Walk

I was doing my usual walk down at my local beach this morning

When I came across this 

It made my day
And the Hunster decided to photobomb.....

Self harm, selfies and the wanderers return

I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post

For those of you that don't know

I posted some photos of myself in some new clothes that I bought

And I got quite a nasty comment

Anonymous of course

I wouldn't expect anything more

But you all  jumped to my defence 

And told anonymous where to go 

So thank you for that

So the wanderers have returned

As in my mum and my sister are back from Prague

Myself and Honey and Lea we're delighted to see them

The dogs were so excited they had a fit

A good time was had by all

And it was great that I could tell them that my few days went well too

No hiccups 

No disasters

No lying 

I kept my head up

And my bun down

And stayed well out of trouble

I watched a documentary a couple of nights ago

Called My self harm nightmare

It told the  story of 3 girls 

Who used to use self harm and pro ana websites

One of the girls used to have a pro ana blog

She has 10, 000 followers 

And she was extremely unwell

And posted many photos of herself in various states of undress

With pointy bones and sharp edges

Another girl really struggled with self harm

She said she did it because it was the only thing in her life that she could control

She had been hospitalised many times after cutting herself

Her arms were covered in long deep scars

I have never really struggled with self harm

Of course I experimented when I was a teenager

And I have tried it

But it did little or nothing for me

So I didn't continue

But I know that some of you struggle greatly with this

I guess we all have different coping mechanisms

Mine was drugs and food

Or lack of food

Some body else's might be gambling or sex or self harm

 There all forms of self abuse

The documentary talked a bit about Pro-ana websites

And the girls on these websites encourage each other to lose weight

Posting photo after photo of emaciated malnourished girls

Making YouTube videos of how miserable they are

I have to admit 

I haven't come across that many Pro-ana sites

I mean the hardcore ones

Apart from anas challenge

Who stalked all our blogs for a while

But myself and Bella came to the conclusion that he was a dirty old man trying to get pictures of young girls

But I guess I haven't really gone looking for these sites

As I am sure they are there

I know that the public are campaigning to get these sites criminalised

The parents on the documentary said that if their daughters hadn't had access to these sites

Then things wouldn't have got so bad

I guess we are still in the infancy of the Internet

And things like pharmaceuticals, synthetics and drugs are easy to buy

And these sites are not monitored 

I'm sure in time there will be stricter laws as to what you can and can't do on the Internet

I see blogger is removing any offensive content now from blogs

I'm almost tempted to go looking for these so called Pro-ana blogs

Just out of curiosity 

I'm presuming that these sites are run by maudlin teenagers 

I hope that anyone older than that would know better

Maybe I'm wrong

I don't know 

I guess there are a lot of sick and twisted people in the  world

To think that someone would encourage you to starve or purge or self harm

Is a scary thought

I deliberately don't comment on people's weight here on blogger

I don't condone or congratulate weight loss

It's not something that is healthy to endorse

Unless the person needs to lose weight

And is doing it in a healthy and careful way

My point of view on what constitutes  beautiful has changed in the last year

I used to crave extreme thinness

Protruding collar bones

Pointy hip bones

This was perfection to me

But now my perception has changed

I no longer crave that look

Now I want to be fit and strong

Healthy even 

What a revelation!

I was wondering about you

Have you ever used Pro-and sites?

What is your view on them?

Do you think they should be banned?

I'd love to know...

Clothes Post # 15

 I had to make a visit to my dentist this morning

As two of my crowns came out

While I was in town 

I nipped in to River Island

I had tried on a dress there last week

And instead of impulse buying it

I decided to wait a few days to see if I still wanted it

It's now a week later

And after trying it on again

I still liked it

So I purchased it

And also a cheeky pair of jeans

The navy and white striped dress is a size 8

And cost €46

The faded jeans are a size 10

And cost €50

Here is some photographic evidence......

A weighty issue....

I just spent about 45 minutes trying to take a flattering photograph of myself

To post here on my blog

I put on make up

Tried on different clothes

Put my hair up

Took it down

Straightened it

Tried different poses

Smiling

Frowning 

Pouting

But no matter what I did

In my eyes

I looked like a beached whale

I actually hated the way I looked

And it reduced me to tears

I finally gave up

Certain that no matter what I did

I would still be a fat girl with wonky teeth and lines around her mouth and eyes

I won't lie to you

Since I stopped using

My food issues are spinning out of control

I'm binging and purging like it's going out of fashion 

And am hating every second of it

When I am binging and purging one of two things happens

I either lose a lot of weight very quickly

Or I gain a lot of weight very quickly

Unfortunately for me

The latter is happening 

And I've gained 5 pounds in the last week

5 pounds may not sound like a lot

And of course it could be a fluctuation

But to me

It might as well be 50 pounds

It is bothering me that much 

I weigh myself every morning

And that little number that shows up has the power to ruin or make my day

That number dictates my self worth

Self esteem

And confidence for that whole day

That number can send me shooting into euphoria

Or spiralling down in to depression

I hate that it has so much power over me

But it does

I might be perfectly fine 

Mood stable

Feeling good in myself

Then I step on the scale

And my whole world comes crashing down

I shit you not

Because the scales is in my bedroom

Members of my family come in to weigh themselves from time to time

My other sister was down on Sunday

And she asked me if she could weigh herself

I accompanied her down to my room

As I am always fascinated to watch others weigh in

For me weighing is an intensely personal thing

I do it alone

And the only other person who I would let see was Mary

Of course I also like to watch others weigh

As I compare my number to their number

So my sister and I went down to my room

She removed her boots

And stood on the scale

I hope she won't mind me revealing her weight 

She was 142 pounds

She stands at about 5'2

I was fascinated to watch her reaction

According to her she had gained about 10 pounds since the last time she weighed

She was a bit disappointed

But she didn't let it get to her

She said she knew she had gained

As her clothes felt tighter recently

But five minutes after she had weighed

She had forgotten all about it

And got on with her day

My other sister is the same

She weighs herself in my room from time to time 

Just to keep track of it

And again the number makes little or no difference to her

She sees the number 

She may feel a bit happier or a bit disappointed momentarily

But then she moves on

And gets on with her day

How I would love to be like that

I just ran over to my neighbour 

To tell her I would walk her dog in a while

I mentioned that I am going to have reflexology done today

She seemed interested in it

So I was explaining that my counsellor referred me to it

My neighbour asked me how I am doing

And I told her I am good for the most part

She told me that I look great

Compared to what I looked like 18months ago

I thanked her 

But it's still hard to accept compliments

I know people are kind

And want to acknowledge my getting better

Their heart is in the right place 

I understand that

But I still find comments about my weight hard to take

Maube in time that will improve

But I guess it's still early days for me

My Dad has been staying with me for that last few days

While my Mum and sister are away

He has noticed the binging and purging

And mentions it sometimes

A lot of the time 

I am not even aware of it

I'm on auto pilot 

Matching from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over and over again

It's constant

Non stop

And it's exhausting

Soul destroying

Relentless

I hate it so much

And yet I can't stop

Breda tell me that I have been referred back to Mary

Although I haven't heard anything yet

I don't know if I mentioned it

But Mary has been reinstated to her job of ED therapist 

Which is just awesome!

So hopefully I will hear from her soon

As I really need the extra support right now 

I turn 34 this year

That means I've clocked up 16 years in the midst of this illness

Almost half my life

And my self worth has been intrinsically linked to my appearance and weight in all that time

It's not that I want to go back to being underweight

I really don't want to go back down that road

Where I was sick and miserable and emaciated

Been there 

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

I want to be healthy

I was to be strong and fit and able

I want to look like my age

But I also want to feel good in my own skin

I want to be able to walk down the street and not burst in to tears when I catch my reflection in a window

I want to be able to look in the mirror and think

Hey, you look ok

I want to be confident when someone takes out a camera to take a photo

And I want to look at that photo and not want to die inside

I just want to be ok to be me

And to look like me

You know?

So yes

I'm about 5 pounds heavier than I would like to be

Not a huge amount

But enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable 

I'm not going on a diet 

Or anything like it

But I am going to be mindful of what I am eating

And try to make healthy choices

On the other hand

I guess I could try to accept these 5 pounds

I could try to love them the way I'm trying to love the rest of me

I am still in the lower range of healthy

So maybe I can afford to carry 5 extra pounds

And maybe I will lose them as quickly as I gained them

 

And anyway

Us ladies are under a lot of pressure to be thin

And to look perfect

Imperfection just isn't tolerated 

Ads on tv are all about trying to make us feel inadequate 

So we will buy that anti ageing cream

Or that lash volumizing mascara

The advertisers like to keep us in a state of insecurity 

So we will buy whatever it is they are selling

And the thing is

The people who love us

Will love us no matter what we look like

No matter what dress size we are 

And no matter what we weigh

I know i don't judge people by how they look 

So why do I think others judge me?

Today I will accept the extra five pounds that clings to my body

I will hold my head up high

And walk with confidence

I will do my best to love myself

And to be kind to myself

God knows I've hated myself for long enough

It's time to call a truce on my body

It's time to let bygones be bygones

To forgive and move on

To let go of all that hate that I've held on to for so long 

And to rock

And make the most of what I've got

Are you with me ladies?

For today

Just for today

Let's stop hating and bullying ourselves 

Let's be ourselves

And feel beautiful in our own skin 

I'm tired of hating on myself 

Are you?