General Update

It's Friday 

And I am getting browner by the day

I just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun shower

And even bought tan accelerator lotion 

Which cost €28 

And better be bloody worth it

During the summer

A tan is essential for me

It's the only way I can face wearing less clothes

I live in Ireland 

So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be good

But

I live in hope that the sun will shine

And I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me

I can compare tanning to an eating disorder

You know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?

And you are losing weight

I know I used to always tell myself 

Just ten more pounds

Just five more pounds

Just two more

Well it's similar with tanning

I think to myself

I just want to get a little bit browner

Just a teeny weeny little bit

The goal posts are always shifting

And you never get to a place where you are happy

You always want to push it that bit further

In other news

My weight seems to have stabilised 

At a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that

I can handle it

When I was a lot thinner

A BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think of

And the funny thing is

That I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13

Go figure

I am still reeling from the news of that guy  who died 

I was in touch with a school friend

Who told me that this guy was just out of rehab

And had relapsed days after leaving

That's the thing with relapsing

After being clean got done time

We become opiate naive

Which means that our tolerance is very low

And do the risk of overdosing massively increases

I know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long time

And now drugs have claimed another young life

It's just not right 

He would have been around the same age as me

His younger sister was in my class in school

It's just so sad 

As I know his family fought endlessly to get him clean

But unfortunately 

Others can't get clean for us

They can't get us well

It has to come from the person

I know that if love and support could  have got me clean

I would have gotten well a long time ago

I'm still attending meetings

And have swapped numbers with some members 

The thing about meetings 

Is that they are open to anyone

Anyone who wants to get clean and sober

There can be a lot of sick people in those rooms

Heck even I'm sick

There are people  who have an agenda

Or who just want to hook up

They say that we should stick with the winners 

People who are doing well 

And who have good recovery behind them

So that's what I try to do

I think that you get back what you put out

Do if you are sending out vibes that you use

Then you will attract that kind of person

And if you project that you are clean and sober 

I think you attract that kind of person too

My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lot

It really was taking over my life

And effecting everything I did

It's a horrible place to be in 

And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety 

I'm not sure why 

But in the last few days 

I feel more grounded

More steady

Stable

I feel a bit stronger in myself

More able to cope

The relief is massive 

The fact that I can talk to someone 

Or drive somewhere

Without the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown 

Is a freakin' miracle people!

I tell ya 

It has transformed my whole life

And it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders 

Like I can breathe again

And that in turn has hugely helped my confidence

The fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry baby

It's progress

I'm moving in the right direction 

At least I think I am

Tonight 

As in tomorrow morning 

At 4 15am

The annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is on

You might remember that I did this walk with my mum last year

Pieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming 

They provide their services got free and they are based all over the world

And the walk takes place every year

The walk starts at 4 15am

In the pitch dark 

And as we walk the light seeps in

The birds begin to sing

And it's very poignant

And very moving

I love to do this walk 

As Pieta House provide such a great service

And suicide is a huge problem in this country

Especially with young men

I think most of us have been affected by suicide 

Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their life

Or maybe we ourselves have attempted

So I think it's a really worthwhile cause to support

Even though we will have to get up at 3am

I still don't mind

If it helps some one 

Then it is more than worth it

And yes

I will post photos of said walk tomorrow

That's all from me today   

Enjoy your Friday x

Clothes Post #19

I picked up some clothes this week

As I needed an outfit for a birthday I'm attending next month 

The skirt below is Brakeburn

And the top is Protest

The hoody is Superdry

And the shoes are also Brakeburn

I am thinking of wearing the blue skirt and top to the party

The party has a hat theme

So I will have to get one at some point

I will definitely need help with that one

As I know precious little about hats

So if you have any ideas

About what kind of hat would suit me

I'd love to hear your suggestions....

HP

It's Tuesday

Yesterday was a bank holiday

So as I write this 

I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctors

I don't particularly like bank holidays 

There's something kind of lonely about them 

And spent much of yesterday comatose on the couch

Asleep at least 

I really wanted to get to a meeting last night

I hadn't been to one since last Wednesday

And really needed to get back on the horse

I was planning on going to an NA

But was having a lot of trouble trying to peel myself off said couch

Everyone keeps telling that I should ask for help

From God

From my Higher Power

From whoever it is that watches over me

So I decided to give it a go

It went something like this 

Hello?

Em hi it's Ruby here

But you already know that

I know I don't talk to you as much as I should 

And I only do when I need something

But I really need your help right now

Please help me find the strength to go back to meetings

Please help me put last Wednesday behind me

I really need these meetings 

So it would be great if you could sort that out

Lots of love, Ruby 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen

But not five minutes later 

Marie texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting

Mmm truth is stranger than fiction

She never texts on a Monday 

As she has college

But because of the bank holiday

She was off

I  texted her back that I would love to go

And we arranged to meet

Was that my higher power at work?

You tell me......

I called in to Marie for 8pm

We picked up another girl

And set off for the meeting

Which was about half an hour away

I was not looking forward to the drive

As my paranoid head had me convinced that the girl we picked up doesn't like me

But what's new?

I never believe that anyone likes me

Maybe because I don't like myself

We arrived at the meeting a little late

We slipped in the door 

And took the nearest seats

It was a women only meeting

And I was glad 

It was actually my first one 

Despite my anxiety

There was a lovely atmosphere in the room

And I felt instantly relaxed

One by one 

The speakers went around the room

It was coming up on my turn

And since my last little prayer went so well I decided to say another one

To ask my HP to help me to speak honestly and openly

And to not feel afraid or anxious

I spoke

As honestly as I could 

I felt only a little anxiety

And it felt amazing to talk so freely

It really was a lovely meeting

With some amazing ladies

I was so glad I went

And so grateful to my friends for their support

In my car on the way home

I turned down my radio

And spoke out loud on my own in the car

Thanking my HP for pulling me through 

For helping me get to a meeting

For bringing such wonderful people in to my life

And for helping me believe in myself again

People

I am a believer

Maybe there is more to this Higher Power than I first thought

I've often heard people at meetings talk about God as they understand him

And there's a lot of talk about God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves

It never really meant that much to me

But I am beginning to see how it can help

And it is a comforting thought to think that there is something 

Something bigger than me

Than all of us

That is watching over

And looking after me

I don't know if I believe in God in the traditional sense

But my mum always tells me to pray to my grandmother who died a couple of months after I was born

That makes more sense to me than an all powerful God

We keep a note pad on the counter in our kitchen

To write down shopping lists and such

Yesterday I noticed that my sister had left me a little note that said

Go to a meeting!!

God could and would if he were sought!

It was lovely to see it

And it really spurred me on to go to a meeting 

And I'm so glad that I went last night

It did me the world of good

I feel like I'm back on track now

Back on the horse

My dad is down for a few days

And we were chatting this morning

I was telling him what happened at the meeting last week

He asked me if I am a people pleaser

I asked him if he thought I was 

He said he did

My father is the type of person who says what he thinks

And doesn't worry about trying to please all of the people all of the time

He said that must be exhausting 

And it is absolutely 

I admit it

I really worry what others think of me

And do my best to get people to like me

My dad said that people pleasing backfires 

That people would in fact have more respect for me if I spoke my mind 

And said what was true for me

I'm thinking he is right

And it's something that I really want to work on

The fact is

That my confidence

And self esteem is on the floor

I need to build myself up

To be more sure of myself

To be able to speak my mind

And not be such a timid little mouse all the time 

I'm a prime target for bullies and the like

And I don't want to be

I guess this is all stuff that I can work on

And I know of I keep doing what I'm doing

My confidence and self esteem will grow and grow

I just need to keep plugging away at recovery

So that's what I will do

I was wondering about you

Do you believe in God or a higher power?

How does your faith help you?

Do you think it's important to have faith in recover?

And also

Are you a people pleaser?

Or if you used to be

How did you break the cycle of it?

I would love to know.....

Come together

As you may know 

My parents are separated 

Almost 15 years now

I had just turned 19

And was in the throes of heroin addiction

It was a truly awful time in my life

My dad was drinking

And was off his head completely 

My sister just had a baby 

And was also drinking to excess

It was chaos

Looking back

I don't quite know how we all got through it

The day my parents broke up was horrible

It had been coming for a long time

But in the end 

It happened very suddenly

I remember we were at home

My mum my dad and my boyfriend

A huge row broke out

I can't remember why 

But my mum and I ended up leaving 

We had no where to go

So we checked in to a hotel

I remember I was starting a new job

In a bank in Dublin

I had to get up to catch the 6 10am train every morning

It was like a nightmare

The next few years were tough

My mum and I rented a house in a not very nice area

Then it all came out about my drug use

And the shit really hit the fan

My family really had it hard back then

Addiction damn near ripped us apart

Then in 2004

I went in to treatment for the first time

And that Christmas 

My mum moved here 

It was a chance for a fresh start 

A clean slate 

Although the next few years were also tough

What with my ED

We somehow got through it

My dad got sober

My sister got sober

And things began to look up

Fast forward to this past couple of years

And things have really improved

In every way

My family is stable

We are all on top of our various addictions and mental health issues

Most of the time

My parents can now spend time together without tearing each other's hair out

Like yesterday

My dad came down for dinner

And is staying for a couple of nights 

It's amazing that we can do that now

Be mature adults

And just get on for everyone's sake

I see my dad every few weeks

So he gets to see how I am doing

He always asks how my mood is

And how my eating is

He doesn't know about my recent relapse

As I fear  it might tip him over the edge

But we talk very openly about things mostly

Yesterday we were out in the car

And he asked me about purging

And if I am still doing that

I can't lie

I am 

It's still a problem

And even though it's a lot better than it was

There is still work to do

I guess I fall in to the trap of thinking I am doing ok

Because things have improved a lot

I forget that by any normal standards

I am still eating disordered

And purging more than once or twice a day

No matter what I tell myself

Purging is not normal 

And it's detrimental to my health

I'm doing the best I can for now

And I'll try and tackle things bit by bit

But at the moment. I am just grateful that my family is in a good place

As my mother often says 

Considering what we have been through

We are not doing to badly

Not too bad at all 

Recipe #1 Chicken Casserole

I've never done a recipe post before

But I know some of you do regularly

So I thought I would post one today

As I am making dinner for my family

All my recipes have come from my sister

She is an amazing cook
She has a real natural flair for it

So I have picked up some tips from her since she's been home

So today's recipe is my take on chicken casserole

Or some of you may know it as chicken chasseur 

It's a love healthy, tasty one pot wonder

Easy to make

And especially welcome on a cold windy day
All the while in the beautiful apron that Bella sent me
Any excuse to wear it

Hope you enjoy......

What you need

Olive oil

Salt and pepper

Chicken breasts (I used four for five people)

2 onions

Garlic

Celery

Carrot 

Mushrooms

Tomato purée

Two tins of tomatoes

Two pints of beef stock

Worcester sauce

Potatoes to serve with

Method

Fry off the chopped chicken in the oil

Cook until just done

Remove chicken to a clean plate

Dice onion, garlic and celery

Add to the pot

Chop carrots and mushrooms

Add those too

Let the veg sauté until soft

Then add the chicken back in

Season generously

Next add a few dollops of tomato purée 

Let that cook for a couple of minutes

Then add the tins of tomatoes

And beef stock

Also a few drops of Worcester sauce

Leave to bubble as long as you can

My casserole is now happily cooking

I will post an update later on when it's done

Torn

I still haven't gone to a meeting since Wednesday 

Although my head has settled down some

I still feel a bit all over the place

I've talked it over with many people 

One of them being my sister who is also in recovery

It was great to talk to her

As she has a touch of paranoia too

She advised me to keep going to meetings

And I will

I just need a break for a couple of days

I'm not naive 

I know the world

And meetings don't revolve around me

I know that most people are busy thinking about themselves

And aren't plotting against me 

But I still can't shake these feelings I get

Maybe I am hyper sensitive

I don't know 

All I know is that I can't live like this

I don't want to live like this

After almost 15 years of addiction and disordered eating

My confidence has been knocked out of me

And my self esteem is non existent

I am struggling to find them again

To find myself

My self hatred is having a party right now

And all the usual suspects are invited

Depression

Anxiety who is the life and soul of my self hatred party

Self loathing

Fear

Oh yes

They are partying hard

I guess I've always felt like I don't quite fit in

That I am different to others

Unlikeable

Unlovable

Awkward 

Anti social

It's a horrible feeling

And my thoughts always go straight to ending it all

I feel like I am a bad person

That everything I touch turns to shit

That I hurt people 

Even though I don't mean

It still happens

I need to sort my head out 

Pronto

I need to get back on track

And go to my meetings 

Despite who does or doesn't like me

This is my recovery

I need to be well for me and my family

I have my friends

I don't need to please everyone

Or kill myself trying to do so

I need to do what is right for me

I try to be a good person

I really do

But lately I can't seem to do anything right

I wish I could just switch off for a couple of day

My head really can't handle this

The wreckage

My head has been well and truly wrecked for the last two days

Ever since that meeting on Wednesday

I still don't know if I am being paranoid

If I am imagining things

Or if what I think happened really happened

Either way is not a good result

Either I am inventing false scenarios in my head

Or I am too sensitive

Or meetings really are a hostile place

Neither outcome is a good one

I've talked it over with a few people

My sister suggested that I don't put pressure on myself

And maybe take a break from meetings for a few days

I was supposed to go to a couple yesterday

But backed out

Just couldn't face it

I guess I could go and not speak

Which is probably what I will do 

When I go back

I just don't know when that will be

I won't stay away too long

Just long enough to get my head together 

I was thinking as I was walking my dogs this morning

About how much weight I put in what others think of me

And I hate that

I would love to be more like my sister

And not give a flying fuck what people think about me

I would love to go through life saying exactly what I want to say

Doing what I want to do

And caring in the slightest what anyone thought

How freeing that would be

And also anxiety

Anxiety is killing me at the moment

There are certain safe things I do everyday

But outside of that

I am a ball of nerves 

And I can't handle it

I just can't handle it!

I was so tempted to text The Boy yesterday

I just wanted to call out to him

Drink poppy tea to my hearts content

And talk shite for a few hours

I came close 

But I didn't 

The consequences are too severe

But I have to admit 

I did overuse my meds today

Is that the same thing?

I'm not quite sure

All I know 

Is that I need a break

My head needs a break

I need to check off the planet for a while

Have a day off of life

I want to sleep 

Sleep until it all doesn't matter anymore

The thing is though

We only have one life

One chance at this thing we call living

What is the point in tip-toeing through it

Afraid

Shy 

Timid

Fearful

Walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat

Who cares if we rock the boat?

Rocking the boat is fun!

Rock on I say!

But If only I could just do it

Instead of talking about it

In my family

I am very gregarious and outspoken

But in real life I am a timid little mouse

And I don't want to be a mouse

I just want all this fear and anxiety inside me to turn in to courage and strength and confidence

Confidence

That's another thing that alludes me

I literally have none

Not a jot

Not an iota

Not even a little bit

That sucks major balls!

That's why I love writing 

And hate speaking

With writing

I can get the words out at my own pace

In my own speed and time

With speaking I just get too nervous to say what I want to say

And it inevitably comes out arse ways

So what's a nervous anxious girl to do?

How do you build strength and confidence?

I guess by living life

Experiencing different things 

Education

Hobbies

Work

Friends

Doing new things

Taking risks 

Living a full and varied life

No one said living would be easy

I was wondering about you

How do you think you conquer anxiety and a lack of confidence?

Have you any exercises or tips?

How do you deal with these things?

I would love to know....