OCD?

I have never been formally diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder

But I expect that I have a mild form of it

Ever since I was a child 

I've displayed many of the characteristics of OCD

Here are some of them

My things have to be a certain way

For example

On the coffee table in our living room

I have a section of it that is for my stuff

I have my notebooks that I am using

Piled from large to small

I have the AA directory 

So I can check where the nearest meeting is on any given day

I have my two pens

One black 

One purple 

I have a nail cleaner type thing (Technical term)

I have a nail scissors

My glasses 

And the tv remote which we call the 'clicker'

All of these things are poised in a certain way so they form a rectangle

I get just a little bit anxious and annoyed when people move said items

When I am sitting on the sofa in my living room

Things also have to be a certain way

The throw over the sofa has to be positioned just so

As do the cushions

And the other clicker is place on my leg when I am lying down

Am I nearing a diagnosis yet?

Another symptom

When I am watching the tv 

The volume has to be on an even number

Numbers are a big thing

Even numbers are generally good

And odd ones are not so much bad as just not as acceptable or good as even ones

I can't even explain this one

It is what it is

Then there are the OCD traits linked to my ED

All my cups, glasses, plates,bowls and cutlery are carefully selected 

The cups I use 

I have many of them

And use one per day

The only glasses I use are pint glasses

Do I can keep track of quantity throughout the day

Plus I drink a lot when I eat because it helps if I am going to purge 

I have certain plates and bowls that I use

They are of a certain size and shape

And cutlery

I have a set of cutlery that I use

And nothing else will do!

Why?

I have no earthly clue

Then there is the food itself

I have a ritual with the way I eat food

I keep my pint glass to the left of my plate

The salt to the right

Because I literally cover my food with salt

And eat in a ritualistic way

Numbers feature a lot in my possible OCD

Weighing is another ritual

I might weigh once a day

Or I might weigh ten times a day

But every time is the same

I use the bathroom

I lock my bedroom door

Place the scale on the wooden floor 

Strip 

And I mean everything comes off

Socks

Undies

Everything 

I tap the scale to set it to zero

Hold my breath

And step on

There are always rules around numbers

Acceptable numbers

Unacceptable numbers

Safe numbers 

Unsafe numbers 

It's all a game 

OCD also appears when I am walking my dogs 

I do a beach and cliff walk every morning

There are various different paths I use

But all the while I am walking

I'm not enjoying the splendid scenery

The ocean

The birds

Oh no

All the while I am walking

I am trying to avoid the cracks in the ground

Jumping

Hopping

Swerving 

And leaping 

All so I won't stand on a crack

I mean 

What exactly  is going to happen if I do stand on a crack?

Absolutely nothing I suspect

But yet I continue to hop-scotch my walks

The other behaviour I have ritualistic tendancies around is purging

Again I have a routine

After I eat the food

I walk calmly to the bathroom

Walking through the living room so people don't know I am going to the bathroom

I lock the door

Tie my hair back

Push up my sleeves

Lift the toilet seat 

Bend over the toilet

And purge

Afterwards

I flush the toilet 

Go to the sink

Rinse my hands and mouth 

Then go back to the toilet

Clean anything that needs it

Place the lid back down 

Wash my hands again 

Fix my hair 

And anything else that needs fixing

Unlock the door

And rejoin whoever I happen to be with

I erase said purging from my mind

It's like it never happened

I'm sure there are other OCD related behaviours 

But these are the ones that appear daily

I was wondering about you

Do you have any OCD tendancies?

What are they?

Sweet Dreams

I've always had a slightly different relationship with sleep

I absolutely love sleeping 

I love falling asleep 

I love feeling tired

And being just on the verge of falling asleep

My sleep patterns are directly connected to my drug addiction

I can remember as a child 

Maybe around 12 years old

Going to my mother

And complaining that I couldn't sleep 

It was a lie

I could sleep perfectly well

But she brought me to the doctor

And I distinctly remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets

Even at that young age

I craved the sweet release of sleep 

All through my teenage years

I looked for the perfect escape

I craved oblivion

And At age 18

I became addicted to Heroin

Heroin is the ultimate escape

It kept me in a twilight world

Somewhere between sleep and reality

I used to try and keep myself in a state where I could fall asleep at any time

Check off the planet when ever I wanted  

If you've ever seen someone on heroin

They can literally sleep standing up 

And you go to a kind of different world 

Almost like being in a dream

A dream where you haven't a care in the world

Where everything is soft and light and floaty

My words do no justice to describe the feeling that heroin gives

But I must also be careful not to forget the negatives of drug use

Because there were many 

And in the end I had to get sober

Although I put down heroin

I picked up alcohol and prescription meds

And again sleep became my drug

I would drink a bottle of vodka and take a handful of pills

And drift off to another place

I used to sit on the mat in front of the fire place

Cigarette in hand 

Burning holes in the carpet

Drifting in and out of consciousness 

Sitting cross legged

With my head on my knees

But then my precious sleep turned on me

And I began to experience night terrors

They hit me out of the blue

The first time I experienced them

I was just back from a holiday in Spain

I had done pretty much nothing but drink on the holiday

And I think when I got home

I had gone into withdrawal 

For a few nights in a row 

I experienced terrifying nightmares

Dreams that made no sense

But we're utterly shocking

I would let out blood curling screams 

And someone would come and wake me up

I woke up in a cold sweat

Afraid to back to sleep 

I remember sleeping beside my mother on more than one occasion 

I was that scared

I've had night terrors from time to time over the years

Usually when I'm stressed

Or in active addiction

I live in fear of them 

Any time I've been in treatment

Sleep has been an issue

I'd fall asleep in groups 

And it was put yo me that I use sleep as an escape

I can't argue with that

It's very true

I switch off when things get too much

I literally conk out

Which most likely contributed to the fact that treatment didn't work for me 

I also asked for meds that I didn't really need 

But wanted to use as an escape

Including sleeping pills

And anti anxiety meds

I was constantly running from reality

My favourite time of the whole day

Is those few minutes when I lie down at night

When my head hits the pillow

Those few minutes before I fall asleep 

When my head and body are so relaxed

So at peace

When my head is clear from all the clutter of the day

When nothing matters 

When I'm not an addict

When I don't have an ED

When I am just a person falling asleep

It's sheer bliss

At the moment 

Sleep is still my drug

I have at least one nap a day

And can usually fall asleep at the drop of a hat

But something strange happened this week regarding sleep 

The reflexology lady rang me

Or at least I thought she rang me

To ask me if I was coming to my appointment on Wednesday

I said that I couldn't make it

And she offered me an appointment on Friday

Yesterday

So I accepted that

Yesterday afternoon

I made my way in to the village

And knocked on her door

No answer 

I waited in my car for a while 

Then knocked again

No answer

Then I started to wonder if I had got the time wrong 

I looked through my text messages with the woman

And I saw that I had confirmed that I would make next Wednesday's appointment

I then started to doubt that I had spoken to her at all 

Do I checked my recent calls

And there was no record of her ringing me

Or be ringing her

This really freaked me out 

And the only conclusion I could come to was that I dreamed it 

There was no other explanation

This is nothing new

Over the years I have often mistaken dreams for reality

Especially during the drug years

I also have a fear of not being able to sleep

That's why I always get up really early 

So I will tire myself out by the end of the day

I hate sleeping in

Because then I fear I won't sleep that night

I think that harks back to my using days

And times when I was in withdrawal

Alone 

At night

In physical and mental torture 

And everything seems worse at night I think

I guess there is nothing wrong with loving sleep

But as with everything 

There is a healthy balance

Something that I always struggle with

I'm wondering am I the only one

What is your relationship with sleep like?

Do you use it to escape like me?

Have you ever experienced night terrors or any thing like them?

I'd love to know.....

Social Media

I'm not hugely in to social media

I am on Facebook

But never post anything on there 

I'm not on Twitter 

And I don't use Instagram or Tumblr

Blogger is really the only medium I use to post about my life 

Most of the people who read my blog

I don't actually know

I know some of my family and friends read it

But not all the time

I don't know why I don't use Facebook

I don't even really go on it to read about others

It's just not my thing I guess

I love my blog though

And I love this little community that we have here

It seems that Wordpress is a more popular blogging platform

With endless ED blogs 

A couple of years ago 

I did start writing a blog there called Poppy Recovering

And I also collaborated on a blog with the lovely Angharad called Partners in Crime

But in the end

I always come back to blogger

Blogger feels like home

And you all feel like family 

Our community is small but tightly knit

And I love that

It has also changed over time

When I started blogging 3 years ago it was an active and buzzing place 

There were so many blogs and bloggers

Remember Rayya?

Winter?

Anna Stone?

The Lovely Bones?

Thinderella?

Emily?

And so many more

They just seemed to fall off the face of the earth

And completely vanish 

This worries me

Where did they go?

Did they recover?

God they grow out of their ED?

Did they go to treatment?

Was their anonymity compromised?

Did the finally tell their ED to fuck right off?

Did they get really ill?

Did they die?

I wish I knew

But that's just life 

People come and go

One day they are a huge part of our existence

But then life happens

People move on

They grow up

They find another way

Our community at the moment is quite small

I actually don't read blogs about any thing else other than EDs

But recently I've had an urge to read about other topics

Line animals

Or books 

Or writing

I guess as my life expands 

So go my interests

I heard a lovely quote the other day

Our lives expand or shrink in direct proportion to our courage 

I love that

And it's so true

When I was in the midst of my illness

My life was so limited

So narrow

But as I grow and change

My life becomes more full

More rich

With new people and experiences 

Yes it is challenging

Yes sometimes all I want to do is check off the planet

Or run in to the arms of my ED

Life can be boring 

Mundane

And monotonous

Compared to the roller coaster of addiction and ED

Life can be pretty tame

But then again 

That doesn't have to be a bad thing

My life was one drama after another hit do long 

Now my life is quieter

Steadier

More stable 

That can be both a good and a bad thing

Over the years of writing this blog

Writing has become a passion of mine

I've always lived words and English and reading

I don't consider myself to be a great speaker

So writing is perfect for me

I can get the words out at my own pace

I can take my time

With speaking 

I get anxious and flustered quite easily

I would much rather write than speak 

I write here on blogger every day

Every single morning

I settle down on my phone with a cup of tea

And write about whatever is in my mind

And the absolute high light of my day

Is getting comments from you wonderful ladies

I always appreciate people taking the time and energy to leave a comment

And I get such thoughtful and kind ones

I always make an effort to reply

As I like to engage with readers 

And also to thank them

Starting this blog has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent years

Getting to know you had been such a joy

I don't need to name you 

You know who you are

Some of you have been there from the start

Some are newer readers

But you are all so precious to me 

Each and every one of you have a special place in my heart

You are more than friends

You are fellow fighters in the war against our EDs

You are soul sisters 

Like family to me

You have been there for me through thick and thin

Literally 

You've cried with me

Laughed with me

Picked me up when I fell

Encouraged me

You've strengthened me

Believed in me

Had faith in me

Even when I had none in myself 

That means so much to me

More than I can express

So thank you for that

For being my friend

My sister

My fellow survivor

My confidant 

I will never forget the kindness and love that you have shown me

Thank you

I was wondering about you

What social media do you use?

How do you think blogger compares to other mediums?

How do you rate blogger?

I'd love to know ......

What I achieved yesterday

Thank you all for the suggestion you made on topics to write about 

They were all great

And today's topic was suggested by the lovely Shelby

And it's about what I achieved today

Or actually what I achieved yesterday because it's only 10am here

So apart from crawling out of bed

I haven't done much

Anyway

Let's begin 

Yesterday was Thursday 4th June

First things first

The first thing I achieved was getting out of bed

I know this sounds like a minor thing

 But the way I feel sometimes in the morning

Getting up at all is an achievement 

Next

I brought Honey and Lea for a walk

Then brought my neighbours dog for a walk

Albeit a very short one

After a cup of tea

I went and had a sun bed session

It was then bearing 1pm

Time for my lunch time meeting

I had an argument in my head about whether to go or not

I stared in to the mirror 

Literally looking at myself

And having a fight with my own reflection

I know I should go

But what I really want to do is drive straight home and take a fistful of meds 

In the end

I did the right thing

And went to my meeting 

I arrived at AA late

I hate being late

I sat down 

And immediately felt anxious

It was only a small meeting

But I was dreading speaking

And in fact

I couldn't think of anything to talk about

So I decided I wouldn't speak at all

But then there was such a long silence after everyone else had spoken 

That I felt under a bit of pressure to speak

So I did

Which was an achievement in itself 

But I spoke from a place of fear and anxiety

So the words fell out of my mouth

And the weren't necessarily the words I wanted to speak 

I didn't say much

But I wasn't happy with what I said

The meeting finished up

And I headed home 

Even though it didn't go as planned

I was glad I went

Then in the car on the way home 

The post meeting analysis began

I began to take apart everything I had said 

Wondering what the others thought of me

Had I said anything wrong or offensive?

It was relentless 

I kept saying out loud

'Shut up' 

But my mind was in a frenzy

And I was mentally beating myself up

I got home

And again

My mind turned to meds

And yet again 

I had another argument with myself about whether to take a knock out amount

I knew I had Mary in a couple of hours

And I was so tempted to text her to cancel

But then I remembered that she had said she is extremely busy

And if I am going to cancel 

To give her plenty of notice

I didn't think it was fair to cancel

So I didn't 

Another achievement 

I  was so glad I went to see Mary

She is such a breath of fresh air 

And in talking to her 

I felt the pressure life from my head

Other things I achieved today.....

I didn't overuse my meds

I helped my sister make pasta

I didn't smoke 

I gave my mum some money towards housekeeping

I resisted the urge to Internet shop

I didn't bite the head off the shopkeeper that was rude to me

I ignored a call from The Boys friend 

What did you achieve today?

There's something about Mary

I know 

I know

I've used that title once or twice before

But there really is something about Mary

As in my Mary

As in Mary my ED therapist

I'm seeing Mary once a week now

All in all I've been seeing her over three years now

She has been a life saver 

Literally

She has been there for me when I couldn't speak to anyone else

And she seems to have an uncanny knack of knowing when I am struggling 

Without me uttering a word 

I saw Mary yesterday

We always start off chatting about something unrelated to EDs

And this week it was eye sight and glasses

As I have just got new ones

We laughed about how we each had been going about life in blurry vision

And  now we could see!

Then it was down to business

First Mary wanted to know if I had been weighing myself

I said I had 

About two times this week

And in the last two weeks I thought I had gained a few pounds

She asked if she could weigh me

I begrudgingly agreed

Mary warned me that she had a new scale

And it was weighing 1kg heavier than her old scale

Oh great I thought to myself 

I stepped on to the scale 

But didn't look down at the number

All the while we were having a very interesting conversation about Scales 

I was telling Mary about last September when I weighed myself on my uncles scales

And saw a number I've never seen in my life before

A number that was so high I could barely comprehend it

Mary asked me what kind of scales it was

I told her it was a dial scale

She said they are notoriously unreliable

She told me that the most reliable scales are the old fashioned ones

You know the ones where they move the actual weight on the scale?

I found all this fascinating

Anyway

I sat back down

And Mary asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her an estimate

And I was bang on

I asked her if it was a healthy weight for my height

And she worked out that my BMI is 21

I can live with that

Just about

The reason I can live with this number

Is that I have experienced the payoffs of being a healthy weight

Mary and I talked about when I first started seeing her

I was a shell of a person

I constantly felt sick, cold and weak

I felt hopeless 

And desperate

Now that I am of a healthy weight

My physical health as well as my mental health has drastically improved

I'm now strong

And able

And capable

The difference is night and day

Mary never lets me leave her office 

Without telling me how far I have come

She often mentions the conference I spoke at

And I can see the pride in her eyes 

She told me that whenever someone asks her if recovery is possible

And if they can get better

She says that yes it is possible

And she thinks of me

I was blown away by this

It was such a lovely thing to say

I guess by anyone's standards 

My life has changed immeasurably 

Mary always reminds me of where I have come from

And that's what my meetings do too

I think it's so important 

Because if I forget where I've cone from

I could end up back there very easily

Mary has been more than a therapist to me 

On some level

I would like to think that she is a friend

And a fellow fighter in this battle against my ED

She is the one professional in my life that I tell basically everything to

I tell my doctor bits

I tell Breda bits

But Mary?

She gets all the gory details 

All the bits that I am ashamed and embarrassed about

She's the one I told about my overdose last year

She's was first one I confided in when I was caught shoplifting 

I feel close enough to get to tell her these things

But she's also just far enough away to be objective

I know I am blessed

And I count my lucky stars that I have her in my life

I've seen countless therapists and counsellors over years

The one who told me I was 'emancipated' 

I think she meant to say emaciated 

The one who told me I was 'not that bad' when I had a BMI of 13

Oh yes

Thre have been many shocking ones

But Mary came in to my life at just the right time

They say don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle

And my miracle came just in the nick of time 

Topics?

I guess what with posting every day

I am bound to run out of things to write about

And today is one of those days

I could write about the antics of my neighbours

And all the drama there 

In fact I started writing a post about them

But decided against it 

As it didn't feel right making a post out of their misfortune 

So I am throwing the floor over to you

Are there any topics you would like to see written about here on this blog

Whether they are ED related

Addiction related 

Or something entirely different 

I'm always on the look out for topics for this blog

Usually I think about what I'm going to write about when I walk my dogs in the morning

But this morning

I had no inspiration at all

So if you can think of anything 

Do let me know....

For you

A lot has changed for me over the past year

As I dip my toe in to this thing called recovery 

My whole life has had a transformation 

And that includes my blogging and writing

I read back on old posts

And I see a very different girl

A girl that was physically and mentally compromised

I lived in what I call Deaths Waiting Room

Some where between life and death

Limbo

A wishy washy no mans land 

My writing back then was hopeless

I wrote from a really bad place

A place where my ED called the shots

And I had little or no control over my life

It was a living hell

I tell no lie

As I have started to recover

My writing has changed

I'm sure you have noticed too

I'm more positive 

Optimistic

I guess I am no longer existing

I am living my life 

My way

For the first time in years

And as I tentatively venture in to recovery

So my reading has changed too

Some of the blogs I used to read

I can no longer

For a variety of reasons

Some blogs are very triggering

And I have to protect myself from that

I hope you understand 

A lot of the time 

It's just too upsetting to read about so many of you beautiful girls struggles

I think of all the wonderful people here on blogger

Pouring their hearts in to the giant abyss that is the internet 

The bottomless vacuum that is the World Wide Web

It's overwhelming to think of all these people suffering

And so 

A lot of the time 

I can't read it

I'm hoping you understand

If your blog is one of the blogs I've stopped reading

I am truly sorry 

But as I said 

I have to protect myself

If you are reading this today

Then post is for you

If you are in recovery 

If you are thinking about recovery

If you are fighting the daily battle against this illness

This post is for you

If you are not in recovery 

If you can't even contemplate it

If your ED seems too big to conquer

If you are losing hope 

If you feel utterly lost

Desperate

This post is for you

If you are struggling with anorexia

Bulimia

EDNOS

Binge eating disorder 

Depression

Anxiety

Bipolar disorder

Personality disorder

Or any other mental health issue

This post is for you

If you are alone in this world

If you don't have family or friends to turn to

If you feel you have no one 

This post is for you

If you haven't told anyone about your ED

If you are silently battling your demons

This post is for you 

If you feel like it's all too much

If you feel like you can't do this

If you feel overwhelmed 

This post is for you 

If you read this blog every day

If you read sometimes 

If you just stumbled across it today

This post is for you

I know that sometimes recovery seems impossible

And that there is no point in trying 

Out EDs can convince us that we are weak

And we can't do it

Our EDs would have us believe that recovery is not an option

I'm here to tell you that recovery is possible

I was at a point in my life 

Where I thought the only option was death

Because I would have rather died than live this half life any more 

I know it seems like my recovery started very suddenly

And it did in a lot of ways

But in reality 

I have been trying to recover for years

I'm even hesitant to use the word recovery

As I don't always feel I am in recovery

But as they say in AA

The only requirement  for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking 

I just want you to know 

That there is hope

There is always hope

I thought I was a lost cause

I figured if my addiction didn't kill me

Then my ED would 

The odds were stacked against me

And I felt I didn't have a chance at life or recovery

So please

Don't  give up

Don't give in

Keep that light in your heart alive

I have seen people at deaths door make a remarkable recovery

We are never too far gone 

Never a lost cause

You can do this

You can have a better life

I promise you this

Give yourself the greatest gift

The gift of life

Reach out and grab it

Don't let it pass you by

Because all too soon 

This life will be over

And will have been just a drop in the ocean of history

Don't let your ED take one more year, month, day from you

Because in spite of what she says

She wants us dead

That is her ultimate goal

To take our lives

Don't let her do that 

Don't let her win

There is nothing glamorous or romantic about starving yourself to death

Or purging do much that you go in to cardiac arrest

I was lucky

I made it out relatively unscathed

But as you know

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

So please

Do it

Go for it

Take that leap of faith

Grab the gift of recovery with both hands 

And don't let go

It will be worth it

I just know it will be