General Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post called Sisters

I wrote it from place where I am still reeling from the argument

So I decided it was better to delete it

As I'm sure we'll be back to normal pretty soon

So I decided to do a general update instead

On the whole

Things are good

The best they've been in a long time

My mood is better

I've accepted that my base line mood is probably lower than the average person

It's just in me to be on the melancholic side

But that's ok

It just makes my happier moments all the sweeter

I tend to be more of a pessimist than an optimist

A kind of expect the worst, hope for the best type of person

But that's ok too

It just means I enjoy it all the more when things do go right

My weight is stable

Praise the Lord my weight is stable!

Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information

I know

I often write about my weight

But it's a big thing for me (excuse the pun)

As I'm sure it is for any one struggling with an eating disorder

And those in recovery

Those numbers become ingrained in our brains

I only have to look at a photo of myself

And I can tell you exactly what weight I was then 

My weight has yo-yo'ed for so long

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy 

And have clothes in all those sizes too

But my weight now seems to have settled at a BMI of about 20

Even though Mary has asked me not to

I still weigh most days

I can't help myself 

Sometimes it's to reassure myself

Sometimes to torture myself

Whatever the reason 

I weigh a lot 

I guess it's all part of the disorder

It's an addiction

And a need to control

My weight fluctuates about five pounds up and down over the course of a month

When it's lower I feel better

And when it's higher I am trying to get it down again

But I'm sure it has a lot to do with periods 

And bloating before that time of the month

Looking at myself in the mirror

I think I am seeing myself as I really am

There was definitely a time when I was at my thinnest

That I couldn't see how thin I was 

But I think that distortion has gone now

When I look in the mirror

I feel just about ok with what I see

Not disgusted

Not fantastic

Just pretty much ok

And having a tan is a big part of that I think

I know it's not healthy to be tanning 

But I feel compelled to do it 

As I think it's helping me accept my body

My eyes still go to my flabby bits

My wobbly bits

The round bits 

And the bits that used to be toned

But I think that's normal for any woman

Not just someone with an ED

Of course maintaining a healthy weight 

Is not just about the aesthetics

It's essential for a healthy body 

Underweight 

Or overweight

Whatever I may be

It effects my health

My organs

The systems of the body

Hair, nails and skin

Everything

I went without a period for over ten years

And even though they are now back

The are still very irregular 

My physical health has drastically improved since regaining weight

I didn't realise how unwell I was 

Until I started to feel better

What else?

There is always the subject of my meds

I'm not managing too well in that respect

I misuse them about every second day

Which is not good

I was at a meeting during the week

And someone told me that I looked 'alert'

And that sometimes I look like I am 'nodding off'

I was mortified to hear this

I know some days I've gone to meetings feeling sleepy

But I didn't think I was actually falling asleep

My sister also challenged me about this during the week

So why am I still doing this I hear you ask

I'm deliberately not telling Mary or my doctor

I'm getting my meds dispensed weekly now

So I have the opportunity to abuse them

Again

It goes back to my inability to live in reality

That urge to get out of my own head

To escape

The thing is 

I am planning to start a course in September 

They rang this week to arrange a date for my interview 

Which is in a couple of weeks

I know if I want to do this 

And be really present 

I have to get on top of this meds situation

Or else I am going to slip further and further down the rabbit hole 

Food wise

Things could also be better 

But like the veritable ostrich

I am burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

The last time I saw Mary

She asked me not to weigh

And to keep a food diary

Neither of which I have been doing

I still believe that if I stop purging

My weight will spin out of control

I guess I won't know this until I try

But I don't know if I want to try 

Which is a terrible thing to say

But it's the truth

So I guess

Overall

A lot of work has been done

But there is still work to do

As I always say

Baby steps all the way

Clothes Post #20

I picked up a couple of items over the last couple of weeks

Some comfortable summer wear

In an effort to make it more bearable

Summer is not my favourite season

As I don't really like getting my arms and legs out

And I can't stand heat

I get hot and sweaty and uncomfortable

And I much prefer autumn and winter

Anyway 

Here they are

The t-shirt is Brakeburn

The trousers are those kind of light, denim, baggy ones that are popular now

They are Roxy

The shoes are Vans

Had them for ages

And the hoody is also Roxy

And my life is sweet like cinnamon.....

Ten months smoke free today

I think I can officially call myself a  confirmed non smoker

My uncle was here the other day

He was telling us about his upcoming holiday in Spain

Out of pure habit

I opened my mouth to ask him to get me cigarettes

400 cigarettes

Then I remembered

Oh

I don't smoke anymore 

It was a nice feeling

I regularly have dreams in which I am smoking 

And I'm really annoyed at myself for relapsing

Ten months down the drain

Then I wake up and realise that I haven't in fact smoked 

And All is well

I can remember the day I stopped smoking like it was yesterday

I had put it off for so long

As I had fallen for the myth that you gain weight when you quit

To me

Being thin and broke was more important that being a healthy weight or over weight and flush with money 

The sane uncle had just come back from Turkey 

And had brought me home two cartons of smokes

I decided that day

That when I had finished the cartons

Then I would give up

So I smoked my little head off for the next two weeks 

I was averaging 30 - 35 a day

I smoked like it was going out of fashion

Which in fact it was 

I thoroughly enjoyed smoking

I loved it

Cigarettes punctuated my life

I remember when you could smoke in restaurants

On trains

In pubs and clubs

Then the smoking ban came in

And us smokers were banished outside

Some pubs and clubs made very comfortable smoking areas

And do all the 'craic' seemed to be happening out there

I always had cigarettes in my bag

I bought two packs a day

And always had a selection of lighters on the go too

I even had a cigarette case

And a cigarettes purse ala Betty Draper from Madmen

I smoked any where and everywhere I could 

At home

I smoked out the window 

Up the chimney 

In front of the extractor fan

And I thought I was being considerate of others!

Smoking was a huge part of my life

And if my identity

It was the first thing I did in the morning 

Make a cup of tea

And light up a smoke

I smoked after food especially 

It was like a cigarette finished off the me

And smoking was a social thing

Me and my friends would nip outside for a cheeky smoke any chance we got

There was great banter out with the smokers

It was like we were all doing something naughty

And we were all In it together

I used to really enjoy a cuppa with a smoke

I did my best thinking then

And also had the best chats over a cuppa and a smoke

The worlds problems could be solved then

So now I am a non smoker

And I can't deny the benefits

My number one reason for quitting was the money

I wish I could say it was for health reasons 

But if I'm honest it wasn't 

I was broke all the time

And I couldn't stand it anymore

So 

They had to go

There was no other option

I've so noticed an improvement in my health

My fitness has improved

My breathing

My lung function

My stamina

Have all drastically improved

To address the weight gain

I did gain weight after I quit 

But I was gaining weight anyway

So I don't know if it was my quitting or my body re-gaining naturally

Whichever it was

It seems to have settled down  now

Thank Jebus

I was wondering about you

Do you smoke?

How long have you been smoking?

What made you give up?

What stops you from giving up?

Inquiring minds want to know......

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous.....

I've been thinking about this for the past few days

Whether it's better to blog anonymously or not

As you know 

I make no secret of who I am 

Heck I have a huge photo of myself at the top of my blog

I regularly post photos 

And my family sometimes feature too

The only thing I keep secret is my name

Although those of you who know my real name

Know that it's not a million miles away from Ruby 

For the first few months 

I wrote my blog anonymously 

And had planned to keep it that way

But then I began to notice that the blogs I was attracted to

We're the ones where the person was completely open

I can still remember the first photo I posted of myself

It was of me on holiday in Spain

Looking very pale and wan

It got such a great reaction

That I began to share more and more of my life

I love to share things with my readers

Myself

Where I live

My dogs 

My family

I'm an open book

Having said that

I totally understand why someone would want to keep their blog anonymous

There is a great freedom in being able to write without anyone knowing who you are 

Some people are more private

And choose not to share photos 

I was reading Izzys blog earlier

She was writing about how now her blog is so popular

That she has to be really careful about what she chooses to write about

As so many people are reading

I guess I feel that on a smaller scale

There are something's that are off bounds with me

I don't write much about my family

And always ask before posting photos of them

I don't write about any one else either

Or their business

It's not my place

Reading between the lines in Izzys post

I get the feeling that she feels she has to be positive all the time

And portray the picture that everything is fine all the time

And maybe for her it is

But I know for myself

Recovery is a rocky road

So many hurdles

So many ups and downs 

Highs and lows 

And I feel compelled to be honest about that

If you read regularly 

You will know that my life is a bit of a roller coaster

And I do daft and stupid things almost on a weekly basis

I feel like it's my duty to be honest

And I have absolutely no problem letting people know when I am struggling

Well

Most of the time

So yes

I am definitely open about my life

I know some people worry about their blog coming back to haunt them

In case a workplace ever tracked it down

This doesn't bother me either

I have nothing to hide 

This is my life 

This is me 

Although hopefully by the time I am working 

I will have a lot of these issues in the past

I guess I use my blog 

In the same way as some people use Instagram or Tumblr or even Facebook 

To document my life

To keep track of my life

To share with others

To record all the little things that get forgotten over the years 

In 3 years 

I have written over 800 posts

All them recording every little detail about my life

And to have that to look back over is amazing

It's almost like watching a movie

The text

The photos

The pictures

All add up to be my life

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous

Well

I guess it's different for everyone 

It depends probably on your personality

And how private you are

I've never had a problem sharing my story

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by it

In fact the opposite

I am proud of where I've come from

And how far I've come

I've been through my own personal war

And it wasn't easy getting out

Of course a huge part of my blog is helping others 

I feel so passionately about using my story

My mistakes

My life

My accomplishments 

My ups and downs

To help others come out of their own battle with themselves 

I know that reading all of your blogs helps me massively

And I hope I can give back just a little bit of what I've gotten from all of you

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you write anonymously or not?

Why?

Do you prefer to see the person writing the blog or not?

Is love to know....

Buzz about blogger

Is it just me 

Or does it seem that there is a fresh buzz about blogger lately?

For a while there

It had become deathly quiet

So many bloggers vanished off the face of the Internet

I still think of them

And send them well wishes

Sometimes I check their blogs

For clues as to what might have happened 

It almost seems as if people disappeared mid sentence 

Some of these girls I had become very close with

Closer than my own family

So it really hurts to not know what had happened to them

I just hope and pray that they don't need this community anymore 

And they are living life to the fullest

It's just really great to see some life breathed back in to blogger

Sometimes it seems like blogger is Tumblrs and Instagrams slightly behind the times cousin

I think that Tumbkr and Instagram are mainly about photos and visuals 

Here in our corner of blogger 

We are all about the story 

Not everyone wants to take the time to read a wall of text 

But here we do 

We follow every detail of each other's story 

Down to what we eat in a given day

There is unconditional love here

Complete understanding 

No judgment 

No pity

Oodles of empathy

And compassion

I know some people think our kind of blogging is not healthy

But this is not Pro-and

That is something entirely different 

I don't have much experience with Pro-ana

I guess my very first few posts were verging on it

I write about actively trying to lose weight

And fasts with other bloggers

But it didn't sit right with me

I've never really engaged in Pro-and

It all seemed a bit daft to me

I've Googled it of course

And see The Thin Commandments 

And the like

Almost like a cult

And it seems to be mostly young girls 

Who just want to be the thin one in their group of friends

Something entirely different to the clinical diagnosis of an eating disorder 

I've seen the blogs 

Girls looking for 'ana buddies'

The 'Tips and Tricks'

Which are largely completely bizarre

One I read said 'spin in a circle until you feel so dizzy and sick that you can't eat'

I mean 

Do peoe really takes these seriously?

Are there thousands of spinning girls out there?

It all seems ludicrous to me

I feel very strongly that people need support

And to be around others like us

But supporting someone's illness is not ok

Actively encouraging others to harm themselves or lose weight is a step too far for me

I don't really engage in conversations about weight loss here on blogger

I don't comment when someone loses or gains weight

I don't congratulate 

Or commiserate 

I think in all my time on blogger

I've only ever well don-ed one particular person

And that's because they were over weight and we're trying really hard to get healthy

But apart from that 

No way

It's a no go area for me

I also don't comment on people's appearance

As you just never know what way they will take it

I don't focus on the body 

Or body parts

I compliment their hair

Or something they are wearing

Again

I avoid body talk at all costs 

I was wondering about you

Do you think there is new life in blogger recently?

What are your views on Pro-ana?

Gave you ever engaged with these sites?

What is your take on congratulating weight loss?

Question

I have a couple of questions for you today

First 

Are you a morning person

Or a night owl? 

I used to be a night owl

Definitely when I was using

There was s period of time when I didn't see day light for months

I would stay up all night

And go to bed in the morning

I lived in darkness 

And I liked it 

I am at my most productive in the morning

I like to do all my jobs and errands at this time 

And like to get them done quickly and effeciently 

I know no other. way

The other question I want to ask you

Is if you are a coffee 

Or a tea drinker?

I am a confirmed tea drinker

And must drink about 15 cups a day

I don't like coffee at all

Though I wish that I did

So 

There are my questions for today

Are you a morning person 

Or a night owl?

And are you a tea drinker 

Or coffee drinker? 

Oh and one more question

Are you left handed or right handed?

I know these are random questions 

But I really am interested

I am left handed when writing

But use my right hand for most other things

So both hands are equally strong

They are today's questions

Inquiring minds want to know.....

And then she disappeared.....

I Googled And then she disappeared yesterday
And thought I would share with some of the images that came up