Honey!!!

As you know 

I have two dogs

They couldn't be more opposite

Honey is bold and cheeky and great fun

Lea is quiet and loyal obidient

I can not even describe in words how much they both mean to me

And how they have been instrumental in my recovery

Honey is like me

In that she loves her food

And I mean she loves it

She's always been a bit on the tubby side

The last time we were at the vet we were told she needs to lose a coue of kilos 

And recommended diet dog food

Honey was not impressed 

She loves her meats and sauces 

And has is quite partial to a biscuit too

Honey and Lea sleep in the utility room

Honeys bed is tucked under the counter

And Lea's is at the other end 

We also keep our paper bin in the utility room

A buckets to keep paper, wrappers and packets that are to be recycled

This morning I got up 

Opened the door to the utility room

And found the following

Honey in her bed

With an empty wrapper of digestive biscuits beside

Now I must stress 

She didn't eat the packet of biscuits 

She just ate the crumbs

But I still thought it was so funny

She often does this 

I have found her with a packet of ham before

So I think Honey might be a binge eater 

Maybe she should start her own blog....

Days like these....

I'm not feeling great today

I have this most awful feeling of dread hanging over me 

It's hard to be positive all the time

It's hard to look on the bright side 

I just have this horrible feeling that something terrible is going to happen

Or that  maybe it already has 

As you know

My meds have been increased

And I'm still adjusting to it

The increase in my methadone has been substantial

And has been making me very drowsy

Yesterday for instance

I took my meds as prescribed

And yet by mid afternoon

I was on the nod 

Falling asleep

And generally feeling a bit out of it

I've been so sleepy 

That I felt like I have used something

And it's no different to when I was misusing my meds 

There's other things too

I've cancelled a couple of reflexology appointments recently

And today got a text from the lady  saying that there was no point in continuing 

And to contact her when I felt better

I felt really bad about this

As I feel like I've messed her around 

Even though she sent me a lovely text

And told me to take care of myself 

I still feel really guilty that I have messed that relationship up

I guess I'm feeling like I mess everything up

That I burn bridges 

Mess people around 

And generally royally f**k up everything I do

I spoke to my mother this morning

Told her how I was feeling

She reminded me about what I said in my interview the other day

That slips and relapses are part of recovery

And it doesn't mean failure 

It's just a bump in the road 

She told me to concentrate on one thing at a time

And asked me what do I want to sort out first

My meds are the first thing that come to mind

But I don't know what else I can do there

I mean

I am taking them properly 

It's just that I am on too much now

I guess I could talk to my doctor

Or maybe I just need to wait until I get used to the new dose 

I don't know 

It's days like this that I really struggle 

I haven't been to a meeting

I'm feeling sorry for myself 

And it's on days like this

That I go from zero to suicidal in a matter of minutes

My mother reminded me that I am doing ok

To think of this time last year

When I was really struggling

And that's true

There have been many struggles overcome

But on days like this

It's very hard to see past the negative

The thing is 

That I want to be a good person

I want to do the right thing

My fear is that I  am not ill 

And am in fact a bad person

A selfish person

And I don't want to be

So what to do on a day like this?

I guess recognise that this is a bump

A slip 

It's just how I am feeling today

And feeling fantastic every moment of every day is allowed

Even the most grounded and well adjusted person has a bad day

Everyone has bad days 

And that's ok

It's all part of life

So yes

Acknowledging I'm not ok

Giving myself space and time to feel like this

Without trying to cheer myself up

Or force myself to be happy

Talk to someone 

Talking really does help

Providing your speaking to someone who has your best interests at heart 

Blogging helps me massively 

I know that when I am finished writing this post

I will feel heaps better

And later on when I get get some comments

And I don't feel so alone

That will make my heart swell

And remind me that I have so many people cheering for me

And willing me to do well

I guess on days like this

We take extra care

We are kind to ourselves 

We are gentle with ourselves 

We remind ourselves that it's baby steps we need to take

And that we are in fact, exactly where we should be

So today I will take care

I will walk my dogs 

Write my blog 

Sit in the sun and read my book

Eat properly 

And generally take it easy on myself

Try to at least

With all that said

I was wondering about you

How do you get through days like these?

What helps you?

Sans Scale

Giving up my weighing scales 

Has turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made in recent times

I admit it

For the first few days

I missed it

And spent many hours wondering what I weighed 

But now I'm on Day 10

And I feel like I'm past the withdrawal stage 

And reaping the rewards of not weighing 

Weighing was one of the first things I did of a morning

I woke up 

Used the bathroom

Stripped

And stood on

In the milliseconds that it took the number to flash up

I said a quick and pleading prayer to whatever God was in duty at that time to please show a nice number a safe number 

Or an acceptable number 

Then I would squeeze my eyes open

And peep down at the number 

That number

Dictated my mood 

My self esteem

And self worth for the whole day

There have been times when I sobbed on my bed room floor 

Naked 

Cursing the scale and my big anorexic ass

How dignified

Who ever said eating disorders were glamorous

Come walk a day in my shoes

Anyway 

I just wanted to say that I really recommend getting rid of the scale

In the past year 

I have got rid of two scales 

The first one was thrown in to the lake near my house 

(Sorry Mother Nature!)

And I took a hammer to the second one

Each time I went back to the scale 

Replacing the ones that were destroyed

Like a slave 

I kept going back

Now 

I can honestly say that I don't miss the scale

Not one little bit

The initial few days were tough

As I imagined that without my scale

I was putting on weight by the hour

But 

I am going by how I feel

Rather than what I look like

And I feel pretty ok

Most of the time

So let's go with that 

And also my clothes still fit

So I am not going to freak out just yet

So all in all 

Getting rid of the scale has been very positive

It's freeing 

It's liberating

It's cathartic

It's breaking the ball and chain that is the scale

It's taking back control 

It's saying that I don't want to be a slave to the scale any more

It's taking a stand against your ED 

It's measuring your worth by how you live your life 

And not measuring your worth in pounds and ounces 

So if you are thinking about it

All I can say is

 

DO IT!

I promise you

You won't regret it ....

The Interview....

As you know

A lady called Dyna Fayz contacted me from Levant Tv

Levant Tv is a Middle Eastern tv station based in London

They were doing an item on eating disorders

And having found me through my blog 

Dyna wanted to know if I would speak to them

Along with a psychiatrist and the mother of a young girl with an eating disorder

I spoke to Dyna last week

She outlined what the discussion would revolve around

And what questions I may be asked

It all sounded really exciting

So I agreed to do it

Dyna informed me that the show was to be recorded yesterday

When they would ring me

And I would participate by phone

I also supposed them with a photo they could show their viewers while I was speaking

Over the weekend 

I wrote out some flash cards for myself

Subjects and topics and words to trigger my brain as to what to speak about 

Yesterday morning 

I saw my doctor

Collected my meds

But did t take any

As I wanted to be as alert as possible

Dyna was due to ring at 3 30pm

So my day was spent worrying and fretting

And generally being all over the place

I arranged my notes on the coffee table

Asked my Mum to stay in the room with me

And waited

Half past three came and went 

My nerves were shot

Eventually 

After 4pm

I got the call

A disembodied voice asked me to hold on for Dyna

I could hear the other interviews taking place

Mostly the psychiatrist

After another lengthy wait

I finally was put on to Dyna

I was super nervous

And I could hear the shake in my voice

She started off by asking me a bit about my story

I couldn't tell you what I said

It was all a blur

I do remember trying to speak clearly and confidently 

I didn't use any of my notes 

And mostly spoke off the cuff 

The mother of the young girl also asked me some questions

About whether the negative voice in her daughters head would ever go away

I tried to be as honest as possible

To give a realistic account of what it's like to live with and recover from an eating disorder

The presenter asked the psychiatrist what advice he would give me

He simply said 

'Find out what you want to be and be it'

I thought this was good advice

And is exactly what I am trying to do at the moment 

And just like that 

It was all over 

I couldn't quite believe it

As I hadn't said half of what I had planned to say

There was so much more that I wanted to cover

Everything written on my notes

The interview lasted about fifteen minutes according to my Mum who was in the room with me

But it felt like seconds  

They told me they would send me information about when you the show is broadcast

We said goodbye

And that was it 

At first I felt disappointed

Because I didn't say half the things that I wanted to say

I felt I had said very little really

But my Mum assured me that I had covered quite s lot

How and ever

I did my best

And I just hope that it will help someone just a little bit

I was completely wound up after the interview

Full of nervous energy

I rang a few people to talk it over with

I feel really good that I did it

Because I was full of anxiety about it

I'm really looking forward to seeing it broadcast

And hopefully I can share it with you too

It just goes to show 

The amazing things that can happen through writing a blog

When you put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen

I write my blog everyday

Sending my words out in to the abyss that is the internet

I never know who is going to read then

Who is going to comment

Or email

Or get in touch with me

I wake up every morning looking forward to reading my emails

As there is always something interesting to find 

The aim of my blog was always to help others and help myself in the process

I really feel like my story has a purpose

That there is a reason why all this happened

You know?

 

If you want to check out Levant Tv

They have a Facebook page 

But otherwise

I will post the link to the show when I get it

Here's hoping it all turns out ok.....

Good News!

Just a quick post this morning

Monday is doctor day as you know

My doctor wasn't very chatty this morning

He asked me how my week went

And how I got on with my new dose

I told him this week went better

But could he please not reduce my methadone this week

He agreed

Last week he said he was going to reduce it by 2mls a week

Which is quite a lot 

He made the point that we were hoping to be completely off it by next Christmas

And now that won't happen

I don't mind though

I would rather be on more methadone and be stable

Than be on less and messing around

So I am still on 36 mls

And that is just fine with me

I came home 

And wrote out some points for my interview this afternoon

They are going to ring me at 3 30pm

And my slot will last around fifteen minutes

I am super nervous 

I just hope I can do you all proud 

And speak honestly and openly

I will do my very best

That's all I can do

In other news

The postman came at about 11am

With One letter for me

My Mum left it on the coffee table for me

I immediately knew what it was

It was from my course

I slowly opened it

And scanned down through the writing

You know what?

I got in!!

I have my place on the course!

Exciting!

I am delighted to have made it on

Now I have some decisions to make

If I accept this place

My disability benefit will be stopped after one year

And I will have to go on Jobseekers

Who very much stay on your back about getting work 

When my payment is stopped

I can appeal it

But that is a nightmare of red tape that I don't want to go through 

The thing is

If my disability is stopped

It will be nigh impossible to get back on it

I was first put on this payment when I went in to hospital for the first time

My psychiatrist wrote to social welfare

And I was immediately put on disability

And it's great to be on it

As they really do leave you alone

No signing on

The money goes straight in to my bank account

No pressure from social welfare

And I also get a travel pass

Which saves me so much money

My case is reviewed every few years

And that is usually just routine questions 

So if I do this course

I will lose that payment

That security

And all the perks that go with it

It really makes no sense to me

But then that's this country for you

I do have other options

I could try and find another course

It's just that I had my heart set on this one

As its specifically for adults returning to education

It's part time

There's a lot of support

And it's near my home

I guess all I can do is find out all my options

Then make an informed decision

I have two months until the course starts

So I will try to make it work 

I am trying to kill time before my interview

It never ceases to amaze me

The things that have happened through my blog

It just goes to show

That if you are willing to put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen....

 

Sunday

As long term readers know

Sunday used to always be my worst day of the week

The last day of my meds week 

I always overtook my meds during the week 

And had none left by Sunday

So it was always a long, boring day

Often on the verge of withdrawal

I always tried to get up especially early on a Sunday

To tire myself out

In the hope that I would get some much needed sleep that night

But God almighty Sunday was an endless day

The yawning would start early 

The watery eyes

The runny nose

The dull ache in my limbs

The mental torture

It was not fun let me tell you

By Sunday night

My body would be absolutely exhausted 

But my mind super awake 

It's a horrible way to be

Craving sleep so much 

But not being able to snatch even a few minutes

The night is long when you can't sleep

The minutes become hours

The darkness makes everything seem worse

And it feels like you are the only one in the world who is awake

I tried to kill time by reading

Watching box sets

Chain smoking 

And drinking endless cups of tea

Often I would end up in tears

Just so exhausted

And mentally spent

By the time dawn came around

I was just starting to doze 

But then 8am came

And it was time to get up and go to the doctor 

I would drag myself out of bed 

My eyes bleary

My head fuzzy 

My eyes red and swollen from crying 

I felt wired 

Like the walking dead

Often losing the power to make any kind of sense

I don't miss that

So today is Sunday

And it is such a treat to have meds left

Somehow I even had 5 extra mls of methadone too!

That is just unheard of in my house

So today

I can enjoy Sunday just like everyone else

I can relax knowing that I will sleep tonight

And my friends

Is a freakin' revelation.....

Nervous Nelly....

Today is Saturday 

Which means the tv show is being recorded the day after tomorrow

And boy am I a nervous nelly 

My heart flutters every time I think of speaking in front of so many people

I am afraid that these people

Family members 

And professionals

Are going to look to me for all the answers

And I'm not sure if I have them

Or even if I have any

I haven't really been prepped for this discussion on Monday

I mean

I had a conversation with Dyna the presenter/ producer

And she outlined what the discussion will centre around

I am worried that I will either babble on like a raving lunatic

Ot completely freeze

And won't be able to utter a word 

I know the other people involved in the discussion are the mother of an eleven year old girl that is suffering with an ED

A psychiatrist

And the director of an eating disorder clinic

I know I will be asked what advice I can give the mother of the young girl

And I've been thinking about it a lot

My disorder developed when I was about 19

So to all intents and purposes I was an adult

So I haven't experienced my ED as a child

Of course the age does not matter

But I do think it makes a difference that this girl is a minor

And her parents are responsible for her

So I'm sure they're doing everything in their power to help their daughter

But the reality is

That no one can make you eat

No matter how hard they try

Eleven years old is so young

And it's such a complicated illness

That I'm sure this poor child does not even understand what is happening to her

But she is not starving herself because she is a happy well adjusted child

Something is going on there

And somehow she has got the message that if she doesn't eat

This will somehow help her situation

I'm sure her and her parents are locked in a battle of wills

And it becomes a competition to see who can hold on the longest 

In this childs mind

Her parents have now become the enemy

And the disorder has become her friend 

In a child's world 

It's as simple as that

EDs change the most well mannered polite person in to a lying, cheating manipulative and difficult person

It's a lot like living with an addict

The addiction takes over

And to the addict

Nothing else matters

Only the drug 

Or the ED

So how do we go about helping someone with an ED?

How does a family navigate the choppy waters that are anorexia or bulimia 

First off

I think we need to recognise that the disorder fulfills a need in the person

The person is getting some sort of pay off

Whether it be control

Attention

The perfect figure

Relief of anxiety

Often the sufferer won't entertain recovery 

Until the negatives of the disorder begin to out weigh the benefits

The first port of call is usually your GP

He/ she is not an expert in EDs

And will refer the sufferer on to mental health services

Or what ever services are available in the community

I saw numerous counsellors and therapists over the years 

And found them of little help

But then I had no interest in getting well

It wasn't until I started seeing Mary a few years ago that I began to even entertain the idea of recovery

I've also been inpatient numerous times

And have come to the conclusion that it is not for me

I don't doubt that it works for some people

But definitely not me

I have always done much better recovering from home

That's probably because I am lucky enough to have a very strong family around me

Often in the grip of an ED

Our world shrinks to just us and the disorder

We push away family and friends 

We lose interest in school and hobbies

And become completely immersed in the ED

We read about it

Watch films about it

Watch documentaries about it

Maybe we speak to others on line about it

Nothing else matters

Nothing else captures our attention like our ED

I thinking the tricks of recovery

Is finding something that matters to you more than the ED

What ever that may be

A hobby

A job

A person

An interest

In my case it was my dogs 

They meant more to me than my ED ever could 

And have massively helped me in my recovery

Everyone has something that they love 

Be it horse riding

Reading

Writing 

Acting

Hula hooping 

It could be absolutely any thing

As long as it means something to you

I don't have all the answers 

All I can do is share what worked for me

And give some one rough guide lines

I'm not an expert

I have been through it

And am lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed 

I like to use the analogy of the wild animal when talking about recovery

I think recovery is like training a wild animal

You can train it 

And manage it 

But there is always the possibility that it will bite

As you can never fully tame it

I never consider myself out of the woods 

I know it's a life long battle

With many hurdles

All we can do is take it day by day

Meal by meal

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going

To have hope 

Faith 

And courage

And as I always like to say

Baby steps all thee way!