Holl & Lane

I was contacted by the editor of an online magazine called Holl & Lane

And asked to write a 2000 word piece about my life and my story

The deadline is November 5th

So I have plenty of time to write it

And I'm very excited to be part of this magazine

It never ceases to amaze me

The things that happen through my blog 

So many different things have happened over the last 3 years

I've been contacted by various journalists

Some stories I took part in

Others I didn't feel so comfortable 

I've done a tv interview

Took part in surveys

Helped students who were doing projects

I never know what is going to pop up in my email in box of a morning 

But I am especially excited about this one

I don't know 

I guess I live in hope that someday I can turn what is a hobby in to a bona fide job

I can't imagine myself doing anything else

In a lot of ways 

My blog is like my job

I do it at the same time

Every day

I pour my heart and soul in to it 

I must spend a few hours every day

Writing

Reading

Replying to comments 

Thinking about what to write

Writing ideas

Writing drafts

It consumes my every waking moment

Starting a blog has been one of my better decisions in recent years

It's more than a hobby

It's something I feel compelled to do

And I feel so passionate about it

Of course I have made the best of friends  here too

Beautiful ladies whose friendship I cherish and treasure

I would certainly be lost without you all

I'm wondering if you have any ideas of what I could write this piece about

And part of the illness or recovery that you think needs addressing 

I would love to hear your ideas

In the mean time 

I will be jotting down ideas

The editor asked for a fresh piece

So I don't want to use any piece that I've already written

So if you can thinking anything

Do let me know......

'Tell me why I don't like Mondays....'

I do know that it's actually Tuesday

But I'm in Monday mode

As yesterday was a bank holiday

So doctor day was today

The weekend was not great

I I over indulged in my meds during the week

So I was left with two days meds to last me four days

I guess I could have spread them out

But where's the fun in that?

This morning couldn't have come soon enough

Even though we are in August

And the height of the summer

The weather here is woeful

As if it was the middle of winter

The dogs usually wake up between 5am and 6am

So I get up and let them out

And go back to bed for an hour

Before getting up properly at about 7 30am

We headed in to the doctor for 9 10am

Me, my mum and the two dogs 

Mum usually brings the dogs for a walk while I go to the doctor

But it was so wet and wild this morning that no walk was to be had

I arrived at the doctor on time

Checked in at reception

Found a half decent magazine to read

And settled on a seat in the circular waiting 

My favourite thing to do when waiting is to play 'Guess the ailment'

I scan the room 

And try to guess what each person is there for 

There were a few oldies

It's always hard to guess what they are there for 

It could be anything really 

From a sore throat to piles to deep vein thrombosis 

I suspect a lot of them come to the doctors as a social outing

Next

A young guy came in and sat down opposite me

He was wearing a hat with a marajuana leaf on it 

Then his mother came in and sat beside him

She looked none too happy either

I suspected she might have marched him in there because he had a substance misuse problem

Obvious choice

But it was a safe bet

Various other people came in 

And I diagnosed a bad back

Flu 

And a sty in the eye

It kept me busy as I waited to be called

Twenty minutes later 

My name was called

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat down in my usual seat

He apologised for keeping me waiting 

He explained that he is the deputy coroner

And had a pile of paper work to fill out

I don't think I've mentioned it before 

But after my doctor increased my methadone to 36mls

He promptly reduced it again

Over the period of about a month

To 32mls

I fought it all the way

He wanted to reduce it every week 

To get me back down to where I was

But I am a difficult customer to say the least

So today he asked me how last weeks reduction went

I told him it was ok

He said he wouldn't reduce it this week 

But would next week

I asked him if he would wait until I got back from Turkey 

(Did I mention I'm going to Turkey next month)

He asked me when I was going 

I told him the end of next month

He laughed

And said not a chance

So I compromised 

And suggested reducing it once a month

Which he agreed to

He filled out my script 

I thanked him

And left 

Next stop was the chemist 

It's a short walk from the doctors surgery to the chemist 

But I got thoroughly soaked in the mean time

I arrived in to the building

And my script was now a soggy piece of paper

I handed it in

And sat to wait

My usual pharmacist is on maternity leave

And there is a very nice guy in her place

I wasn't too fond of the woman pharmacist 

But she was efficient

And never made mistakes 

The last two weeks the new pharmacist hasn't given me enough tablets 

And when I was on the way home 

I realised he'd done the same thing this week

What a pain in the....

Anyway

I had one more stop before I could head home

I wanted to pick up a battery for my scale

Which I keep forgetting to do 

So I braved the rain again 

To head to the supermarket 

After wandering go around the shop for a while 

I finally found them by the check out

I chose the right ones

Paid 

And ran back to the car

I was glad to get home

I put the kettle on

Went to the privacy of my bedroom to weigh

I fitted the new battery 

Stripped

And tentatively stood on the scale 

The numbers flashed 

And settled on a number 

I've lost about 3 - 4 pounds since I last weighed 

And I have it in my head that I want to lose 5 more

I know, I know

That is dodgy territory 

And sounds absolutely daft

It's like asking an alcoholic to have one drink

I'm not naive 

I know it's dangerous to try and lose weight

I just feel I look and feel my best when I am 5 pounds lighter than I am now

I have my reasons 

I have a big family do on the 16th

And also my holiday next month

So I want to look and feel my absolute best 

I want to be confident

Wear what I want to wear 

And just feel comfortable in my skin

I mean

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick and underweight 

I'm kind of ok with my body

I am curvy now 

And that look is growing on me

But I would still feel a lot better if I was just that few pounds lighter

I know 

It's hard to put the brakes on when losing weight 

But I feel confident that I can 

Watch this space I guess 

There are other things that I need to work on at the moment

I have not been to a meeting in two weeks

Which is not good 

I want to go back

I really do

But I feel like such a hypocrite 

Abusing my meds

And going in and pretending to be clean and sober 

I know first I need to get my meds under control

But it's just really hard 

Me and reality just do not mix well

I find day to day life boring 

Monotonous

And endlessly tedious

I mean

I get through one day

Only to start another

I get through one year

Only to find myself back at the beginning of another

And time is flying by at an alarming rate 

I really want to press pause

And stand still for a moment 

I overtake my meds 

To keep myself in a state somewhere between being awake and asleep

I love to sleep

Or at least to be sleepy

I love that feeling of being so tired that I could fall asleep at any moment

I hate being alert and wide awake

Is that my addiction speaking?

I think so

I guess the main thing is that I am ok

My health is ok

My mental health is ok

My weight is ok

My mood is ok

I am ok 

Things that only bloggers understand.....

I was inspired to write this post

After seeing a similar post on Izzys blog

I used some of her ideas

As well as some of my own

Let me know if you can think of any others

 

When you wake up in the morning

And the first thing you do is check your comments, blog reader and other blogs

When you ask your friend/partner/family member to take a photo of you when you are doing any thing remotely interesting

When you have to take said photo ten times as you try and find one that you approve of and that is blog worthy 

When you take photos of every meal you've ever eaten 

And won't let others eat theirs until you've taken a photo of theirs 

When you are immersed in your phone/laptop for X number of hours a day blogging, updating and reading 

When you suddenly get an amazing blog post idea and have to excuse yourself to write said ideas

When you pick the user name that you wished you were really called eg Ruby

I know some of you know my real name and it's not a million miles away from Ruby but I still prefer Ruby

Also Ruby Tuesday is a nod to TheRolling  Stones song as I am a huge RS fan

When your online social life is more active than your real life social life

When you are closer to people on line than you are with those in your real life

When you have a complete and utter melt down when there is no wifi 

When something happens and you think 'That will make a great blog post' 

When you pour your heart out in blog post at 3am crying, mascara everywhere, glass of wine in hand 

When a parcel arrives in the post and you know it's from one of your beautiful bloggers 

When you hit the Publish and that sense of satisfaction that you have completed blog post no 856

When your phone pings that you have a comment, you get excited every time 

The sheer frustration when you spend ages writing a post and blogger decides to eat it 

When you read another blog

And it puts in to words exactly how you are feeling 

When someone leaves a comment on your blog that makes your whole day

When someone tells you that they feel that way too and you don't feel so alone 

When you are away with no wifi and you go in to blogger induced withdrawal

Bouncing Back

The last couple of weeks have been difficult

And I'm finding it hard to get back to myself 

It's been over a week since the whole date fiasco

And I'm still wondering what I did wrong

I mean

This guy pursued me

He obviously liked the look of me 

Enough to ask my neighbour for my number

He contacted me

Suggested the date

And followed up

I think back over the date regularly 

Trying to figure out where it all went wrong 

I wonder was it when he suggested going to his house for tea

And I asked if there was anyone there 

Not because I wanted to jump in to bed with him

But because I wanted fore warning if I was about a gaggle of housemates

I wonder was it because I asked too many questions 

Maybe it seemed like I was interviewing him

Maybe it was when I told him that I don't drink 

Although he didn't seem like a big drinker either

And then to baffle me further 

He bloody well pounced on me!

As I said in previous posts 

He went from zero to sixty in jig time

But even when his hands were wandering under my shirt 

I still thought he was a nice guy 

But it baffles me 

I mean did he pounce because he really liked me?

Or was he just chancing his arm for an easy lay?

I mean 

I can't imagine sleeping with someone that I didn't like

Just for the sake of it 

Then there is the question of the girlfriend 

Who he had just split up with a couple of weeks previously

Was he on the rebound?

Was he just looking for a bit of fun?

Who knows 

And lastly

The phone call the following day

Saying that he didn't want to take things further

Was that because I wouldn't cave and give in to his antics?

Even if it was

I am glad I stuck to my guns 

That is just not my style at all

I guess I just chalk this one up to experience

I mean

What are the chances that my first and only date in ten, yes ten years would work out like a fairytale?

Where we would fall in love and live happily ever after

Slim to none I would say

But still

I had my hopes up

Maybe that was my mistake 

But of course 

There were yellow/red flags 

The fact he didn't want to meet for coffee

Did he not want to be seen in broad daylight with me?

He didn't want to see what I suggested 

In said cinema

During the movie he made a couple of pretty racist  comments

And we definitely didn't have the same sense of humour 

He was a typical country boy 

Not that that's a bad thing 

I mean despite all these things

The date was ok

Up until a point 

You know when you go an exam 

Or a job interview

And if it didn't go well 

You can request the papers or feedback to see where you went wrong 

Well I wish you could do that with dates

Like send them a questionnaire with all the questions such as

How would you rate this date out of ten?

Why did you deducte points?

Why do you not want to see this person again?

Please give a detailed answer and use bullet points if necessary 

You know?

I just want to know what did so wrong that he never wants to see me again

It's hard 

Because everyone around me seems to be finding someone 

My sister has met someone

My friend always has some guy interested in her 

I just want to know why?

Why people, whhhhyyy?

What I should really be doing 

Is focusing on myself and my recovery 

And putting boys out of my mind

But it's human reaction to want to meet someone 

To have a partner to share life with

I suppose it's like waiting for a bus

None come for ages

And then three come at once 

I don't know 

Boys just don't seem to be in to me

Even at meetings 

I feel like a lot of them avoid me

Or have no time from me

Maybe I'm being paranoid

And that is entirely possible

As I am not adverse to inventing scenarios in my head 

As you are well aware

Anyway 

I will do as I always do

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

Keep ploughing away at this thing we call life

And try to make the best of things 

I would love to hit the big self destruct button 

I would love to just unravel completely

Fall apart 

Crumble 

Go back to disappearing 

Go 'Back to black'

Sometimes I don't know why I am holding on 

And suspect that a lot of the time 

I'm doing it for other people 

I don't enjoy life ninety percent of the time 

I numb myself with meds 

And on the one day a week that o don't have meds 

That day is the most mind numbingly boring and tedious day 

And I just can't wait for it to be over

Take this week 

It's a bank holiday weekend 

So there is an extra day

Therefore I have eight days meds 

I went to town on them during the week

So I had no meds yesterday 

And I have none for tomorrow 

I could space out today's to last two  days 

But I want to get out of it today

How sad is that?

Very I suspect 

Anyway 

Please don't worry after reading this post 

I am ok

I'm not going to do anything silly 

I repeat 

I am ok

Just having a bad day 

A bad week 

A bad year 

A bad life....

Hangin' with Honey and Lea

I feel like I haven't posted any photos of Lea and Honey in recent times

This year they both turned ten

But you really wouldn't think it

They are both still a bundle of energy and fun

They continue to be a source of great joy in my life 

We are closer than close 

Last week they went to the doggy hairdresser

And got brand spanking new haircuts 

So now they look super cute and fresh and clean

Here are some photos of us this morning 

New blogs?

As you know 

I love to read

Whether it is a book

A blog

A newspaper 

I love being a part of blogger

To follow the stories of the wonderful ladies here

I don't really use any other social media

I'm not in to Facebook

I don't have Twitter or Instagram

For me

My blog is where I document my life

My thoughts 

My ups and downs

Every little thing that happens in my life is carefully recorded

My memory is not the best these days 

So when I read back in my blog

It's like it all happened to someone else

I follow quite a lot of blogs

And I'm always on the look out for new blogs 

So I'm wondering what are your top 3 blogs?

Have you found any new blogs recently that you would like to share?

Maybe you have just started writing 

And would like to put your blog out there for more people to read?

I always love to find a new and exciting blogs to read 

And I must stress 

The blogs you share don't necessarily have to be about EDs or addiction

They could be about absolutely anything 

As it is more the way it's written that concerns me 

Your blog could be about train spotting 

But if it is written well

Then I will read it 

This is an invite for you to get in touch with your blog 

Or to share someone else's 

A blog you think is funny

Or poignant

Or moving 

Or interesting 

Or so ridiculous that it makes no sense

I want to hear about them all

So do get in touch

I'll look forward to hearing from you....

Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 

My ED was in the background 

It had never fully gone away

But it wasn't the main focus of my life

And it had gone somewhat underground 

I guess because now that I am a healthy weight

People who know no better presume that I am recovered

Fixed 

All better 

When the truth is that I am still struggling 

People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore

And I am too

The thing is 

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick

And I don't want to die anymore 

I really don't

I want to live 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually want to live 

And more than be thin

I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 

I don't eat regular meals and snacks 

I graze through out the day

And if I do eat a meal 

It doesn't stay down

Granted 

I don't binge and purge the way I used to 

It used to be constant

From the minute I woke up 

Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically

I was purging up to 20 times a day 

Every day I promised would be the last 

But then I would get up the next morning

And the whole horrid cycle would start again

It was relentless 

Unforgiving 

A living hell

But just as quickly as it started 

It stopped 

Just like that 

Not completely of course

I still purge

But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 

In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 

I just couldn't go on that way anymore

It was killing me

Killing me slowly 

It came down to a simple choice

It was either recover 

Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 

And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 

It's funny how when things go belly up

We go back to the things that comfort us

That quell the anxiety 

And ease the pain 

My mental and physical health have suffered recently

I have been to a meeting in two weeks 

My ED has been back in the driving seat

And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape

I feel hurt and used 

And I feel let down by people who should know better

But that's life I guess

There are bad people out there 

I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning

And a weight calculator popped up

It was one where you enter your gender

Your age 

and your height 

And it tells you the healthy weight range for you

Being 5'4

It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds

I'm in the lower range of this range

And I was glad about that 

But I have to say 

That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to

I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number

But now 

I feel very little 

As long as my clothes fit me 

And I feel ok 

I am good 

But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 

I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September

I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course

But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 

Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it

So I have the letters 

And I have accepted my place on the course 

I just don't know if I'm ready

I mean 

In a lot of ways it would be good for me

Getting out 

Getting an education

Meeting new people 

But another part

The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 

Wants to stay home 

Watch tv

And drift in and out of sleep 

Because even though I am loathe to admit it

That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys

I know I can't go on like this forever 

And it's no way to live 

But it's comfortable 

It keeps me nicely numb 

I don't have to worry about anything 

And the truth is 

That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 

More bearable 

And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs

I don't have to worry about money 

Or where I'm going to stay 

Or how I'm going to get the drug

It's all written down on a script

That is given to a pharmacist 

And then handed to me over a counter

I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 

That this is the case 

Even when I don't misuse my meds

When I take them as prescribed

I am still on the nod 

Still sedated 

And sleepy 

And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here

I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me

Or I can stand up and fight

I'm just so very tired of fighting 

So tired of having to pick myself up 

Again and again 

But I will

It's not my style to give up 

So I won't 

And that's a promise