Prior preparation prevents poor performance

So it's Monday again

Start of another week

It's hard to believe that it's almost October 

Next thing will be Halloween 

And then 

Well you know what's next after that

I won't say the word 

As I know a lot of people hate that time of year

I love holidays 

Especially Halloween

And the C word

So it's a great time of year for me in that respect

And speaking of holidays 

Tomorrow we are off to Turkey!

We depart at precisely 5 20am tomorrow morning 

I love getting up at an unGodly hour

Getting the bus

Going to the airport

I love it all 

Airports are such interesting places

Especially for people watching 

Packing started earlier this week

I threw everything in to my case

But when I saw how neatly my Mum and sister packed 

I took everything out again

And started fresh

I also did a cull of my clothes

As I had everything but the kitchen sink in there 

I'm a terrible packer

I always bring far too many clothes

I bring clothes I haven't worn in years 

You know 

Just in case 

Better to be safe than sorry I guess

I was in the doctors waiting room this morning 

And there was a girl in there with a really cool hair cut 

Her hair was shaved like mine 

Except on both sides

So the hair in the middle was like a small Mohawk

I am seriously considering getting it done when I come back 

I just have such an urge to do something drastic with my look

Something totally different for me

I guess I am playing around with my lol for a few months now 

I just want to experiment 

And change my look

For so long 

I concentrated on my weight

It was my be all and end all

But now I want to be defined by something other than my weight 

In a moment sadism 

I went to weigh myself the other day

But to my delight 

My scale wasn't working

Do I have no earthly clue what my weight is 

And you know what?

I have absolutely no shit to give

Not one iota 

And it feels great 

I was trying on clothes for my holiday

Dresses and skirts and tops 

I am slowly but surely finding out how to dress my shape in the best way

And developing my own style

It's great the way you can play around with clothes 

And find out what suits 

For Turkey

I am bringing lots of skirts and light trousers 

As well as a couple of dresses

While trying on clothes 

I was able to see what looks good on me

What is not so good 

And was able to do all this without having a major meltdown about how I look

That my friends 

Is progress

I had to get a letter from my doctor this morning

To say that I will be carrying 448mls of methadone

It's a controlled drug

And it's also in liquid forms so they always check it

But I have been all around the world with my meds

And have never had a problem

I was home

And putting my letter in my hand bag

When I found a letter from last when I went to the UK

I was surprised to see that I was on ten mls less of methadone back then

That is a distinct lack of progress 

And is in fact going backwards

It makes me wonder will I ever come off this drug

And the thing is

I would be perfectly happy to stay on it for the rest of my life

Once an addict

Always an addict 

I'm assuming I can blog from Turkey 

I will keep you all updated 

And of course supply you with many many photos 

Summer 2015

I I was looking back over photos of the past summer

And I thought I would share some of them with you

You have probably seen them before 

But it's nice to look back and remember

Here goes....

Darkness to Light walk May

I break the stigma campaign for Healthline

New glasses June

Queen Maeve's trail

Shells cafe

Heading to the theatre

The Blues sisters

Our for dinner in Derry

Mocktails in Belfast

View from Stormont

Cuddles

Hanging out in Bundoran

Mums retirement

On the road

Ouch!!!

Happy Birthday!

Dealing with comments

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery

Right from very early recovery

Is dealing with comments about your weight/shape or appearance from others 

And sometimes 

We might not even be in recovery when we get these comments

And that makes it even more difficult

I can only speak for myself 

But from talking to others 

And reading your blogs

It seems it's a universal problem for us ED girls

I've been dealing with these comments for years

As my weight yo-yoed up and down 

I can remember being devastated after someone told me I looked well

Or had a complete meltdown after a comment about how I looked

I can remember about this time last year

Someone commented that I had 'filled out'

I had to take some really deep breathes after that one

 Other comments range from

'You look really well'

'You look great'

'You've really improved'

'You have gained weight'

And on and on

The thing is 

That I know that people want to acknowledge that we are in a better place

They want to acknowledge that we look better

But the thing is

We might not be in a better place

We might have gained weight because we are binge eating

We might be still purging 

And even if we are in recovery 

It's dodgy territory

As I know up until recently 

When someone told me that I looked well

I immediately equated that in my head to

'You've gained weight'

The words no self respecting anorectic or bulimic ever wants to hear

Hearing those words when you are in a fragile state of mind 

Can really upset us

And send us straight back in to arms of our ED

In my family 

My Mother warned everyone years ago

Not to comment on my weight or appearance

So my family is well trained 

Instead they would compliment my hair

Or my outfit

Or make up

Which is much easier to take

For us ED girls

Weight is a very private

Very personal matter

We don't appreciate comments about the one thing we hang our self worth on

We take such comments to heart

Although I know people don't understand  how destructive these comments can be 

Mary was a great example

Over the years that I saw her

She never once commented on my weight or appearance

And I remember her telling me that she never comments on anyone's weight

Whether they have an ED or not

I like that philosophy 

Because you just never know how someone is going to take such a comment

My neighbour called over a couple of days ago

A man in his fifties I would say 

He asked about my health

I said I was in good form 

He said that I was looking 'exceptionally well'

This could have been cause for a complete meltdown 

But I was able to rationalise it in my head

These people were used to looking at me  very underweight

And now I look different

I look healthy 

Well 

My hair is thick and shiny

My skin has a glow

My teeth have been improved beyond recognition

I now take a bit of time and care with my appearance 

So I guess it's a combination of all these things 

Not just my weight

As well as weight

Recovery changes a lot more about us

I look back at photos of me when I was ill

I have a haunted look about me

Dead in the eyes 

Pale

Gaunt

Now that I am feeding myself 

And looking after myself better

There is a light back in my eyes 

It's like I've been switched on

When I was switched off for so long 

Another reason why I don't like to focus on weight

Is the whole fat and skinny shaming thing

If you are in the UK

You have probably heard about all the flack that Cheryl Cole is getting over her weight

People are saying that she is too skinny

And she is really being harassed 

Cheryl has hit back

Saying that she has been under a lot of stress lately

And also that it's not ok to skinny shame someone

That it's just as bad as fat shaming someone 

I agree with Cheryl 

Focusing and commenting on someone's weight is never a good thing

I'm sure you've all seen the celebrity magazines 

Where they discuss who has lost or gained weight 

The photos of people who have lost weight

Or those who have gained weight

Or have cellulite 

Or an extra bit of fat

It's outrageous that these magazines can do this 

And get away with it

Shaming someone's body is how eating disorders are born and reinforced 

At the moment 

I have made a kind of peace with the comments that I get about my weight and appearance 

I can now say thank you for the compliment 

And don't file it away in my brain

To take out and berate myself with later on

I think part of the reason that I am playing around with my look at the moment 

Is that I don't want to define myself by my weight anymore

I don't want to be known as the 'underweight girl'

Or the 'sick one'

I don't even want to be known as the 'girl in recovery'

I don't want to be defined by anything that pertains to my weight 

I am now the girl who is living her life in the best way that she knows how

I am the girl who likes to look a bit different 

The girl who is a MaMa to two beautiful dogs 

The girl who fights every single day to be a better person than the day before 

The girl who despite what her body looks like

Is a good person

I don't want my weight to be tied to my self worth and my self esteem any more

Because for so long I measured my worth in pounds and ounces 

I starved 

Binged 

And purged my way through my twenties 

I am determined that my thirties won't be like that 

Recovery can not happen without weight restoration 

If we want to get well

We have to accept the fact that part of getting well is regaining weight to a healthy range

For me 

My weight re-gain was quite traumatic 

As it happened incredibly quickly

Faster than my mind could make sense of it

Before I knew it 

I was a healthy weight 

In an ideal world

I would have gained it slowly and steadily 

But like a lot of things in my life

It happened almost in spite of myself

Right now

My weight is one of the highest numbers I have ever seen 

But for some reason

I am ok with that 

I'm ok with being healthy 

Because the pros of it out weigh the cons by a hell of a lot

With a healthy body comes a healthy mind 

A clear mind 

I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity for a low weight any more

I can remember being in treatment 

Obviously I was encouraged by staff and my family to gain weight

At a rate of 1kg a week

But I just couldn't get my head around this 

Weight gain was a fate worse than death in my mind 

I just couldn't do it

Couldn't even consider it 

But now

Now than I have come out the other side 

I have to tell you that it's one of the best things I have ever done 

I swear I didn't realise how shitty I felt until I started to feel better 

I had become so used to feeling awful

That it had become normal

Now I know what it feels like to truly feel good

  I can only hope that my experience will go some way to helping others

To helping you my beautiful blogging friends

It's all very well your doctor 

Or your family telling you that weight restoration is essential

But when someone who has been there tells you 

It holds more weight I think

Because that person has been there

Experienced it

And lived it

As I have often said 

As quickly as things can go belly up

They can also turn around just as quickly 

In AA they say that if you follow the programme 

You will be amazed before you are halfway through 

That you will know a new kind of peace 

As well as the 12 steps 

There are also 12 promises 

Things that are guaranteed to happen if you stay clean and sober 

And work the programme 

Things like 

You will now know how to handle situations that used to baffle you 

For me 

Recovery has enriched my life beyond words

My life has changed beyond recognition 

And I am eternally grateful for that 

I just want youth know that it is possible for you too 

It's right there 

You just have to reach out and grab it

In the rooms 

They say that the first times you embark on recovery it is a gift

The second time you work for it

For me

This has been true 

But no matter how many times I slipped or relapsed 

My recovery was always there 

It will always  be there 

Always

Please remember that it is never too late

Never 

You can do this 

Heck if I can get well 

Then anyone can 

And you deserve it

God knows we have suffered enough

And if you don't believe in yourself 

Let us believe in you until you do

Your life is too precious to waste on this cruel illness 

You are worth much much more 

I promise you that 

Style #1

So I've been living with my new hair cut for about 24 hours now

The initial shock of seeing my head shaved has worn off 

And my new hair is growing on me

Literally 

I think I like it though

I am just getting used to it

And playing with different styles

And you guys

It is so much fun!

This is the look that I've always wanted 

But just didn't have the confidence or courage to do

I guess for the longest time I've been Ruby the patient

The sick one

And I couldn't see beyond that 

Now I know that I am much more than Ruby the anorectic 

Or Ruby the addict

Now I am Ruby the dog sitter 

Ruby the volunteer

Ruby the girl with the pierced nose and shaved head

Ruby the girl who is so much more than her illness 

As I said in some of my comments

I feel like a teenager

Experimenting 

Finding out who I am 

What I like

What I want to look like 

And I love it!

I know my mother is horrified with my new look 

But isn't that the way that the world works?

The older generation gasp at the younger one?

Yes

That's exactly the way it should be

I would be worried if my mother really liked my look

I sent a photo to my Dad last night 

He sent back a text 'very nice Ruby' 

Ha!

I'm pretty sure he very nearly had a heart attack when he saw it

Anyway

Here is today's style 

Will I ever get tired of putting my hair in a bun?

I don't think so.....

New Do!

As you may know

I wanted to get my hair done

In either an under cut

Or half shaved

I decided to go with the half shave in the end 

I was so excited to go to the hairdressers today

My sister thought it was a great idea

But my poor Mother was horrified 

My appointment was at 11am

And I just couldn't wait

I decided to get a few inches off my hair also

So the hairdresser did that first 

And then shaved the side of my head

First with a number 2 blade

And then with a number 1 

As I thought it could be shorter

I'm still getting used to it

And the different ways I can wear my hair

But I think I like it

Anyway 

Here are the photos....

From the front

The Haircut: You decide

As you know
Lately I have been experimenting with my look
I've had my nose pierced
I'm now wearing glasses
I'm thinking of getting a tattoo
And next for a change
Is my hair

I have made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow morning
And I have two styles that I am thinking of getting done
Here is where I need your help
The first style is the under cut
Ala Rita Ora

 

I told my Dad that I am thinking of getting this done
And he said I was in the 'wrong age bracket'
But I really don't care if I am the wrong age
Or even if its passe
I still want to get it done

The other style is similar
The half shaved head
Like this











 So I'm wondering what you guys think
Have you ever had either of these styles?
Which do you think  would suit me better?
 And please do tell me if you think I have lost my mind
I'm a big girl
I can handle it

Its just that I so sick of my hair right now
I have two styles that I rotate
Hair up in a bun
Or down and straightened
It just doesn't go with who I am any more
You know?

Anyway
Let me know your thoughts
I am waiting with baited breath........

Blogging and a bit of honesty

It's    been over three years now since I first started writing this blog

It has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent times

From the start 

My blog has been a life line 

A strong support 

It has saved my life 

And my sanity many times

Often my blog is the one place that I am entirely honest

And with that in mind 

I need to make a confession

So here goes

First I should say 

That recovery is about progress not perfection

But lately I've been feeling like a fraud in regards to my drug addiction

With my ED 

I think I can safely say that I am in recovery

I am weight restored 

My thinking and behaviours are markedly improved 

Yes I do still purge the odd time 

But it's not a daily occurrence any more

When it used to be up to 15 times a day

So I think I'm about as good as I'm

Going to get in that regard 

But my addiction

Well that is kind of a grey area at the moment 

It's true

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drug

But I am on quite a hefty amount of prescription medication

Including methadone 

And various others

And people 

I have to confess

That I am not taking them properly 

In fact I don't think I have ever taken them properly

I take them to suit myself 

If I have a busy day 

I won't take any

And if I have I quiet day

I will overuse them

To escape

To get out of my own head 

To check off the planet for a while

To zone out 

I plan it do I will only go one day without meds

And the rest of the days are spent drifting in and out of sleep

I know 

It's not good

If I was braver I would talk to my doctor

Or to Breda 

But I'm not at that point yet

Because the thing is

My drugs are handed to me every week

They are legal 

The are meant for me

I'm supposed to take them

So where is the problem?

I know myself that this is not good 

It's almost as good as using 

As I am taking 

And abusing mild altering drugs

I really need to get my s**t together though

Because on Tuesday 

I am travelling to Turkey with my family

So I really don't want to sleep my way through that week

The thing is though 

That even when I take my meds properly  

They still make me groggy 

When I was in Belfast during the summer

I really struggled to stay awake

And missed out on a lot 

So on this holiday

I am determined to be alert and bright 

Obviously I can't not take the methadone I need that one 

But I can pare back the other meds 

The olanzapine

And the anti depressants

So I think I will take them PRN

When and if I need them

So yes

On Tuesday we travel to Turkey 

I am excited 

But also worried

As it will be hot there 

And I will be getting my arms and legs out

This is why I've been tanning 

So I feel a little bit better bareing all

This is where I need your help 

Have any of you gone on holiday this year?

Either while actively in your ED

Or in recovery

How did you manage?

What got you through?

Do you have any tips for me?

I really need help with this one...