Peter Pan Syndrome

I was on the phone to the dog shelter last week

We were in the middle of a conversation

When the lady asked my what age I was

I told her

She began to laugh and said that I sounded like a teenager

I get this a lot 

Told that I sound a lot younger

And even look a lot younger

I know when I was very underweight 

I looked quite strange

I had this childlike body

With the face of a withered old woman 

But as I have become well

And regained weight 

My face has filled out 

As well as the rest of me

And I guess I do look a bit younger than my 34 years

I remember when I was a teenager 

I was in such a hurry to grow up

I did everything young 

My first disco

My first cigarette

My first drink 

My first boyfriend 

All before I was 15

Now that I am an adult

I wish that I had allowed myself to grow up slower

That I had taken the time to enjoy my childhood and teenage years

I look at my nephew

He has just turned 15 

And this week went to his first disco

To me he seems so innocent

I can not imagine him smoking or drinking 

And he seems to have no interest in these things 

Which I am so glad about

Because there is a chance

Like the four members of my own family

That he might inherit that addiction gene

So far he shows no sign of it 

But I know that can all change in a heartbeat

I guess my life thus far has been rocky

I began smoking and drinking at 14

Had my first proper boyfriend at 14

Began taking drugs at 15

And the next 15 years were a Wright off

My twenties

The years when you discover who you are and what you are about 

Didn't happen that way for me

So I guess now in my thirties 

I am living my twenties 

If that makes sense 

Mentally 

I am 24 years old 

Barely an adult 

I guess I dress young too 

In my jeans and trainers and hoodies

But I'm ok with that 

I am still growing up

Finding out who I am 

My views and opinions

My dress sense 

My way of coping 

Of dealing with life

They say that youth is wasted on the young

I agree 

I didn't appreciate my youth 

My childhood 

My teenage years 

I was so busy trying to be an adult 

So busy wanting to grow up

I got my first full time job when I left school

I was doing well

But it wasn't long before my drug use began to spin out of control

The next 14 years were chaotic to say the least 

There were a few years during that time

That I don't know how my family got through

My mum and I were speaking about this just yesterday 

There was a time when four out of six of us were in active addiction

It was crazy 

So many shocking things happened 

Addiction rips families apart

As it did mine 

It's only years later 

And with the four of us in recovery

That our lives have begun to heal

They also say that the age you are when you start using/drinking/starving/purging is the age you stay until you stop

I was 14 when my problems started 

And that makes sense to me 

That I am still a teenager

A young adult 

Mentally

And physically 

I think our eating disorders 

Are also something thdt keeps us from growing up

There is something very child like about EDs

Anorexia is sometimes a protest to growing up

Bulimia is the inability to control ones self

Again 

Like a child 

I know I have resisted growing up once I reached adulthood 

Being an adult

And everything that goes with it

Scared the bejesus out of me

I worried and stressed that I wouldn't be able to cope

Wouldn't be able for the responsibility 

It just all seemed like too much 

I struggled to deal with reality 

Struggled with substances that allowed me to escape from that reality

I struggling with impulse control

Which has bothered me a lot over the years

Like a child 

There is no no for me

I see something and I want it right now 

There is no control

None at all

Its only now

At the age of 34

That I am getting my life together 

That I am starting to grow up

I know I have a lot of work to do

I have taken the first step 

But there are still many miles to go 

And maybe it's actually a nice thing that I don't look my age 

Maybe it will stand to me in years to come 

I've seen over the last couple of weeks

The areas I need to work on

I want to be a responsible adult 

I want to act my age 

Sometimes it bothers me 

That at my age I am still living with a parent 

But then I remember that I am not living with my parents

I am sharing a house with my mum and sister 

I have the freedom to do as I please

And I get on with my mum very well

It would be crazy for me to try and maintain a house by myself 

It makes more sense for me to live here

And I like living here 

I feel safe 

I feel loved

Honey and Lea love it here

They are happy here 

Our house is home 

It's where we all meet for tea

For dinner

To play games 

To celebrate holidays and birthdays 

It's the centre of our family 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you resisted growing up like me?

Do you think that your ED has anything to do with not wanting to grow up?

What age do you feel?

And what age are you?

Do you like being the age you are?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Ruby Returns....

I'm back 

After a few days of a blogging break

It felt like years rather than days

I missed blogging 

I missed writing

I missed you

My little blogger family 

My dear friends

I missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails 

I missed feeling part of something

Something bigger than me 

I missed reading your updates

Commenting 

I missed it all

But as I said before I left 

I had acknowledged that my real life needed some work

A lot of work if truth be told

This week has been tough 

I've had to take a good hard look at myself 

My life 

What I do of a day 

How I manage myself

My ups and downs 

My emotions

My relationships 

My addiction

My eating disorder

My medications 

Yes 

It was plain to me 

That my real life needed some attention

There have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks 

Especially around blogging

I learned that just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I need to blog about it

As a rule 

I've always elected not to write about others 

My family 

My friends 

My blogger friends 

But lately I've been bending that rule 

And that is not ok with me

I guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned 

As you know 

I write everyday

And some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write about

So lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blog

Things that should be kept to myself 

Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readable

I have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life by

I have written about things that I usually wouldn't have 

The other issue 

Is how open and honest I am on my blog

It's a double edged sword really 

Being that honest I know can help others

And encourage them to be honest too

And I want to continue to be honest 

I really do

But I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately 

Again

For something to write about 

And almost for the shock factor too

My blog started to become like a fictional story 

A made up character 

Rather than my life

I would read over my blog

And it was like reading about someone else 

Like it wasn't me 

That's not good 

And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories 

Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story 

But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about 

It's a real person

Not a character in a story 

Then there is the whole meds situation

I have given responsibility of my meds to my mother 

She is holding on to them 

And I go to her each morning to take them

I know she doesn't really hide them 

I could find them if I wanted to

And she doesn't stand over me as I take them 

So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around them

I can't lie 

Everyday hasn't been perfect 

But I am doing my best 

And a hell of a lot better than I was doing 

So I guess I'm moving in the right direction

I'm seeing Breda on Monday 

So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my meds

Again 

I am reluctant to talk to my doctor 

But 

I will play that one by ear

I met a good friend yesterday 

A girl I was in treatment with

And have kept in touch with since

We meet up every few weeks 

And it's always so lovely to chat to her

She is a few years older than me 

So she always has some sage words of advice for me

I told her that over the last while

I have been having an existential-type crisis 

You know the one 

Where you ask yourself 

Who am I?

What am I doing ?

Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Am I just a waste of space?

A burden to my family and society?

I've been asking these question a lot lately 

As a feel I am just treading water 

And barely keeping my head above the water line 

My friend said some really wise things 

That I am doing my best 

That I am enough 

Just the way I am 

That I will find my way

I am finding my way 

I have been through a lot

And am barely a year in to my recovery 

I just need to keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting 

Another thing I have learned 

Is that I am not perfect

And never will be

No one is 

I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life 

And when I am feeling low 

I take them out of the file in the back of my head 

And berate myself with them 

I've been doing that a lot lately 

I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my life

If I think about it too much

I really will go insane 

One thing that has been helping me 

Is saying the the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I can not change 

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those words

Over and over

Like a mantra 

A chant 

There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past 

I can't change things I've done

I've said 

The people I've hurt 

The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made 

All I can do is learn the lesson

And move on 

So yes

Hopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier direction

I can't lie 

I still have huge urges to escape reality

The thought of living day in day out is

Terrifying 

But 

As my friend said to me yesterday 

Delay 

Delay the thoughts 

Delay the behaviour 

Delay

Also 

All I have to deal with is this 24 hours 

And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes 

I don't know guys 

I guess this is just life 

And sometimes life sucks 

Everyone goes through tough times

Everyone has a story 

A past 

A few skeletons in their closet 

No one is perfect 

Everyone has made mistakes 

It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes 

It's everyone 

By the way 

Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situation

I rang them before I went away 

To let them know I would start when I got back

They said to ring when I returned 

Which I did 

Where upon they told me that they had me on file

And would ring me when I was needed 

I was confused 

As I thought that I would be starting 

But it looks like I might have to call in to them again

As a phone call doesn't seem enough

Anyway

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am here

And I am ok 

As ever 

I will keep writing

Keep showing up and doing my thing

Keep fighting for a better life 

For recovery 

For me and my family 

A break from the break

I'm taking a little break from my break

To share this article with you

It's compiled by Healthline

And features different contributors advice about binge eating

My two cents is in there too

I think it's really helpful

Hope you do too....

http://www.healthline.com/health/eating-disorders/binge-eating-best-advice

Lessons learned and taking a break

A lot of lessons have been learned over the past couple of days 

I am someone who lives their life on impulse

Everyday I do things without thinking them through

And I do it for instant gratification 

I think I need to slow down a bit 

I need to breathe

And take a big step back

And look at my life 

I've made a commitment to go to a meeting tomorrow

And I'm also handing my meds over to a family member 

For the time being

Just until I can trust myself again

So yes 

I am going to take a little break from my blog and the Internet

I need to focus on my real life

And my real life relationships 

I think I've had my head stuck in a virtual world 

Putting pressure on myself to write everyday

I'm not sure how long I will be gone 

Maybe days 

Maybe weeks 

But one thing is for sure 

I will be back 

At some stage 

I just need to get my ducks in a row 

And sort out what is keeping me stuck

 

If you are wondering about Marla

She is ok

We have been emailing back and forth. 

And are going to put this incident behind us 

So I will see you in a little while

Please take care of you

And each other 

I will see you on the flip side....

At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?

And change history?

I sure do 

I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 

I also learned a big lesson

Just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I have to blog about it

Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 

Maybe I should censor myself a bit more

And not be so frank all the time 

Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 

Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 

Is not just what happened with Marla

But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention

I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 

We texted and emailed every day

She was good to me

And I did my best to help her

She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 

I disagreed with her

And we had a huge argument 

All through texts

And I haven't heard from her since

Thdt must be about a year ago now

So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 

And makes me question myself 

And my motives for writing 

And the support we give each other 

I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 

The writer brought up a lot of good points 

It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 

I had a long chat with my mother 

We talked about where I am at 

And what I need to do to keep moving forward 

Of course the subject of meds came up

As it always does 

I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on

As I just can't trust myself 

Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 

But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 

That back in August 

I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 

Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 

Go to meetings 

And stay in touch with friends 

I have done none if these things so far

I haven't been to a meeting in months 

I'm abusing my meds 

And I've lost touch with all my friends 

So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog

That can't be healthy 

I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 

I acknowledge that 

I've come a long way

But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 

There is still a long long way to go

After speaking with my mum last night 

I asked her to help me

To help me with my meds 

To help me get to meetings 

Which I have decided to go back to

As they do help

And keep me grounded in my recovery 

I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 

I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 

I felt so bad for Marla

And so guilty for my actions 

I spoke to my mum about blogging

And if it is healthy for me 

She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative

That is true

95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 

And so many cool things have happened recently 

Being asked to do write for different publications 

And being able to help others 

So I won't stop blogging 

I will continue to write 

Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is

Yes we are all friends 

Yes we support each other 

But are we being honest with each other? 

Are we telling each other what we want to hear

Or what we need to hear?

I am undecided on this right now 

I'm just not sure 

Marla made a point 

And I am wondering if there is any truth in it

I think back to my stints in treatment 

And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 

The thinnest 

Who needed the most attention from staff

I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 

To be told that I am ok

Thdt I have come a long way

And therefore don't need to go any further

I don't profess to be perfect

I am the anthisesis of perfection

And am no poster girl for recovery 

But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 

And keep fighting for my life 

I am honest here 

Probably to a fault 

And now I don't where to go from here 

Do I keep blogging as usual?

Do I take a break?

I'm still thinking about these things 

Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 

Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do

To reevaluate where I am at 

Jo made  the point yesterday 

That we need to stick together 

Because we are all in the some boat 

We shouldn't be pulling each other down

She is so right 

I don't want to argue with anyone 

And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone

Marla has emailed me

And she is ok 

But she is not going to read anymore 

I feel sad about this 

That she came to my blog looking for support

And ended up in the eye of a storm 

I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 

Next time 

I will think before I write 

Community

I write this comment a very bruised Ruby

I made a mistake

I should not have written my last post

I should not have publicly tried to sort out my issues with Marla publicly on my blog 

It was a knee jerk reaction

I felt hurt that I was accused of writing specifically for comments

And lashed out 

Now I fear an innocent person has been hurt 

Of course

Everyone is entitled to their opinion 

But I took offence to this comment

And write my post in a flurry of hurt 

I don't think I should have done that

Then of course

You

My loyal friends

Jumped to my defence 

And I know Marla felt that we ganged up on her 

And for that I feel sick

My blog is supposed to be a safe place 

A place where the truth is told 

Even if it is difficult to hear

As Jo wrote yesterday 

We are all in the same boat 

We should be pulling together 

Not falling apart

I appreciate you all standing up for me

But I don't feel right about the way I handled this situation 

I hurt someone 

And thdt is not ok with me 

I don't know where to go from here 

Make it Work

I don't have a lot of qualifications when it comes to education and work

I haven't studied beyond high school

I didn't attend college or university 

I don't have any specialists skills 

I have worked in a lot of different jobs

So I guess I do have some experience

Not a lot 

But some 

While most people I know were going to college

Travelling

Acquiring new skills 

I was in the midst of a horrific drug addiction

And following that

Anorexia and bulimia 

In a strange way 

I have mastered in those subjects 

They are topics that I know intimately 

I lived them 

Breathed them

Ate them 

And slept them for over ten years

I could write essays 

Thesis after thesis on these subjects 

And in a way 

I guess I do that everyday 

In writing this blog 

As you know 

I write everyday 

I write everyday for a few reasons 

I like to constantly have something new to write about 

I do it at the same time everyday 

So it gives my day structure and form

It's some thing that keeps me accountable and honest 

As well as that 

I love writing 

And am always thinking about new topics to write about 

I dont always write about addiction and EDs

I write personal posts 

I do photo posts

I review documentaries, books and TV shows 

I write about anything that interests me

And that I think will appeal to my readers

I often get asked to contribute to a website or guest post on a blog

At the moment I have three writing pieces 

In the works 

Which is really exciting 

As I have often said 

I am blown away by what can happen if you put yourself out there

If you are willing to share your story 

In an honest and vulnerable way

Writing my blog is a huge part of my life 

And I don't hold back

I share practically every part of my life here

In the hope that someone else feels the same

Or that someone else might not feel so alone 

It still blows my mind 

When I look at my stats and see people reading from Russia, Lebanon, Norway, China

I only know very few of you who read this blog

And of course there are the core readers and writers

Who form the back bone of this community 

And who I call my best friends 

My sister is always telling me that I should monetise my blog

Either by showing ads 

Or writing an E book

Or publishing a book myself 

There is no doubt 

That I have enough material for book

I have written 942 posts over three years 

Every moment over that time has been documented 

From my illness to recovery 

Every slip and relapse 

Every success and triumph

To read back on it is so amazing 

As as I soon as I have written a post 

I delete it from my mind 

So rereading it

Is like reading it for the first time

I really don't want to include ads in my blog

As I think they disrupt the flow of a blog 

But I would love to write a book

Or fashion my blog in to a book

That would be a dream come true 

Addiction and EDs are subjects that I know

I lived them

And in a lot of ways still live them

I just have this feeling deep down

That my blog 

And my experiences 

Are going to be a huge part of my life

And my work life 

And what you believe you create right?

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Why do you write?

Would you like to make it your career?

Have you ever been published?

Would you like to be published?

Inquiring minds want to know....