Where was I?
Oh yes
I had spent two weeks in hospital
And was being moved to the local psychiatric hospital
I really didn't want to go
But what was the alternative?
Go home and continue on my path of self destruction?
Again
I didn't have the energy to put up a fight
So on the Sunday evening
After tea (Scrambled eggs and toast if you are interested)
I packed my little bag
And my father came to take me on the short trip to the hospital
It was a menacing looking place
I didn't have a good feeling about it at all
All I could hope is that I wouldn't be there very long
We were ushered in
And left to wait in an office for what felt like hours
Mid wait
A student nurse and a patient came in and used the weighing scales in the corner of the room
The patient was talking a mile a minute
And when she saw me, she said
'Don't worry young one, they'll feed you up in here, you'll be fine'
I was too scared to say anything
I just wanted to run out of the building and away from this place and these people
Eventually
I was officially admitted
I was given a little room of my own
I was so glad I wasn't sharing a room
Then I ventured up to the smoking room
There were a few women sitting in there
I walked over
And asked for a light
A girl with a shaved head stood up and stuck out her hand to me
I shook it
She was also talking at great speed
There were a few characters
All chain smoking and drinking tea
There was a group
Huddled over by the window
And a couple of women sitting on their own at the side
Strangely
I didn't feel afraid anymore
Girl with the shaved head took me under her wing
To me she seemed the most sane out of everyone
But that didn't last long
It was when she started telling me that she had no asshole that I realised that she wasn't quite as sane as I thought
Everyone commented on my weight
It seemed that this was a place where everyone said exactly what they thought
And again
I got the feeling that staff didn't quite know what to do with me
They did lay down some ground rules for me though
I had to be escorted to the bathroom
I couldn't go to the bathroom for an hour after eating
And after eating I had to lie down in my room for an hour
I rarely kept to the rules though
And I refused to have someone escort me to the bathroom
I did lie down after meals though
But then started the disgusting habit of purging in to plastic bags and hiding them in my wardrobe
I would lie on my bed at night
There was a a small window in the door of my room
Sometimes I would look up
And there would be two eyes staring in the window
I put my head under the covers
And pretended that I was at home
There were so many characters in the hospital
There was the hospital bully
The same woman who weighed herself when I was waiting to be admitted
She was loud and brash
And insisted she was only in hospital to get dental work done
She preyed on the more vulnerable patients
Although she left me alone
Probably because I had family and friends in every day
Some patients had no body
I remember being at dinner one day
The bully ordered one of the more quiet women to get her something
I piped up and said no get it yourself
She wasn't used to people standing up to her
There was the woman with severe mental and physical disabilities who lived in the hospital
She would howl in the night
She must've been in such distress
The staff were pretty awful to her
I heard one asking another if this woman took sugar in her tea
The other staff member replied that 'it didn't matter'
I can clearly remember thinking that I'm sure it matters to the woman whether there is sugar in her tea or not
There was the English girl
Who barely spoke a word
She had a personality disorder
And thought she was Angelina Jolie
She had been admitted after trying to take out money out of the bank in the actresses name
The bank called the police
And she was brought to the hospital
She had a boyfriend that called up to her every evening
They had met in hospital
They sat wrapped around each other
The staff constantly telling them to stop
Then at Christmas
The boyfriend arrived up to the hospital dressed in a tuxedo with a flower in his hand
He came in to the smoking room
Got down on one knee
And proposed to Angelina
It was surreal to say the least
There were many others
The girl who had post partum depression
And sat in the corner knitting all day
She was a nurse too
And the staff were lovely to her
There was the girl who every time she went out, she brought the TV remote control with her
That used to drive me mad!
There was the petite blonde from Dublin who had repeatedly tried to kill herself
Then there was the lady who I saw in the doctors yesterday
She was admitted just before Christmas
She had three kids
And a husband who was not very nice to her
I remember the day we put up the Christmas decorations
This lady dressed the tree so beautifully
She also used to help in the kitchen
She seemed to like to be busy
She was quiet
Gentle
Really pretty
When I saw her yesterday
She had gained a lot of weight
No doubt from the olanzapine she was almost definitely on
The doctors seemed to put everyone on it
And a lot of people in that hospital were very over weight
But seeing this lady yesterday brought back a lot of memories
So I guess that's why I'm writing these posts
It was eight years ago now
I remember the staff and patients has Christmas dinner
There was a fizzy Apple drink on the table
And I remember some of the patients thought it was wine
I remember going home for Christmas
And my sister and mother dropping me back to the hospital two days later
I remember looking out the window
They were both in tears in each other's arms
It broke my heart
After Christmas
I got word that a place in treatment had become available for me
I went home the night before I left
That was the worst time I can remember in my ED history
Thankfully
That is all in the past
And hopefully it will stay there
