Fate....

It seems that fate has intervened in my little dilemma 

And my scale has packed in

Infuriatingly 

Every time I stand on it 

It gives me a different reading

It is a Weight Watchers scale 

My second one in fact

And I find them really unreliable 

When I was out for my walk

I nipped in to the chemist to see if they had a different one

But they only had WW ones

So I am now scale less

And maybe that's a good thing

For now anyway

I was getting too caught up the numbers

So at least now I can just go by how I feel 

And I feel pretty ok

My clothes fit 

My hair and nails are healthy 

My skin is fine 

So let's go with that

I was wondering about you

Whether you are in recovery or not 

How often do you weigh?

Or do you think we should weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

How often do you think is healthy?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Trying to bounce back

Ok

So I am struggling to snap out of diet mode

In just that short space of time

I got used to not eating junk food

And not eating after my evening meal

Then of course standing on the scale every morning is addictive

Especially when the numbers are going down

You see the thing is 

My eating has been disordered for as long as I can remember 

I know a bit about nutrition

But I think I really need to educate myself about healthy eating

Because I eat what I want 

When I want 

There is no rhyme nor reason to the way I eat 

I graze instead of eating fixed meals 

Although I do have a dinner every evening

But that doesn't always stay down 

So yes

I have a lot of work to do 

Because some where over the last couple of weeks 

I have slipped in to ED mode

Without even realising it

Dare I say it 

I am enjoying the feeling of being empty 

The dizziness when I stand up

The way my clothes feel looser

The false feeling of being in control

All this is making it difficult to get back on track

I am not underweight at all

But as I always say 

EDs have little to do with weight

You could be bang on a healthy weight

But be tortured inside your head

You may not be over weight or under weight

But still be caught in the midst of mental illness 

For me 

It's about my state of mind 

And my behaviours

And I know how quickly small issues can snowball in to a full blown relapse 

They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug

Or your ED behaviours 

For me 

It started a few weeks ago

When I weighed myself for the first time in a long time 

And then the infamous navy jeans 

I really don't want to go back to being underweight and ill

I really don't 

But once your on the run away train that is an ED 

It becomes really hard to get off

The thing is 

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't know if I have another recovery in me

The energy it takes to pull myself out of the gutter is something that I don't know if I have any more 

But I should be able to do this 

Stop myself falling down the rabbit hole

I've caught this early 

And I think I can at least hold ground for the moment 

Following on from your comments

And something that Eve wrote

I am seriously considering finding someone to help me with my diet and exercise 

Or failing that

Really researching and educating myself about maintaining a healthy body and mind 

Again

I don't want to be underweight 

But I do want to feel comfortable in my own skin

My BMI now is 21

And I think that is in or around what I have always been when healthy 

I have put my body through a lot over the years 

Really used and abused it

I want to try and be a lot kinder to it

More gentle 

Because God knows for years I put it through hell 

Starving it 

Bingeing and purging up to 20 times a day

Injecting drugs in to it

And generally treating it like a dust bin

At the moment 

I am having a battle in my head

Over what to eat

When to eat 

How much to it 

It's absolute torture

I'm going around and around in my head

Fighting with myself 

Then feeling guilty when I do it

This is all very ED I know

It's scary how quickly it can take up residence again in our lives

Before you know it 

You are knee deep in behaviours

Something that I am really missing is Mary 

She was always so helpful and practical

And just talking it over with someone really helps 

I guess I could call her 

Even just for a quick phone chat

I also have my friend from treatment who I can speak to

And will hopefully see her in the next week

She is always great to talk to too

As she is fighting the same battle that I am

So 

I guess I just keep on keeping on

Keep writing 

Keep talking 

Keep eating 

Keep remembering how far I've come

And that I don't want to go back to that vain existence 

Keep trying to live my life the best way I can 

Keep being accountable 

Honest 

About my struggles

As well as my triumphs 

Keep connecting with others in the same position as me 

Keep my supports

My family 

Who are my biggest cheer leaders

My friends 

I don't have many 

But the ones I do have are precious 

My dogs 

Who continue to be the light of my life 

I'm not giving up

I'm not backing down 

Anorexia and bulimia 

I hope you are ready for war

Because I'm not backing down without a fight 

Bring it on bitch....

Thinking it over

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my last post

I realise that it's not easy to tell someone when you think they might be going down a wrong path

Even as I wrote that post

I think I knew deep down that what I was doing was counter intuitive 

I was fighting against what my body wanted 

And needed to do

And I am now rethinking the whole weight loss thing 

As of this morning 

I've lost nine pounds

And my navy trousers most definitely fit

I have no need to continue on this path

Because I don't know if I'll be able to put the brakes on

I can't know when the ED takes over

As someone wrote yesterday

The line between losing a few pounds and the ED is a very fine one

In fact it's almost invisible 

I'm barely a year in to my recovery 

My body is finding its natural set point 

I think it's a good idea to lay off the junk food like I have though 

And concentrate on nourishing and feeding my body properly 

I swear 

I had been eating a lot of junk food 

Practically surviving on it 

And I know that's not good 

Again 

It's like it's all or nothing 

All the food 

Or none of the food 

Black or white 

Actually 

I don't think I've ever successfully dieted in my whole life

As in lose a sensible amount of weight while still feeding my body 

Fasts never worked for me either

I've always lost the most weight while bingeing and purging 

I suppose the body gets so dehydrated 

That the weight drops quickly

But even in the 11 days that I was trying to lose weight 

I think a lot of it is also dehydration

I haven't been purging much 

But admittedly

I haven't been feeding my body very well

Also

I had become more and more obsessed with the scale

Weighing myself a ridiculous amount of times a day 

And my mood and self esteem bouncing up and down along with the weight

Even at my lowest weight

I still allowed myself chocolate

Albeit I ate nothing else 

But I love my savoury and sweet treats 

I mean what is life without a little treat now and again?

I am a firm believer in everything in moderation

Including moderation

Whether I can put that in to practise is another matter 

I try 

I do

But again

My whole body and mind is programmed for all or nothing 

It doesn't seem to understand anything else 

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit

Or is it 28?

I'm Not quite sure 

But I know I can get my eating good if I just put in a little effort 

Heck I've given up heroin and cigarettes 

Why is food so damn tricky?

It's like my last nemesis 

It's just so hard because I can cut heroin, alcohol and smokes out of my life 

But with food 

You can't do that 

Well you can 

But that would completely defeat the purpose 

Yes 

It's tricky to find a happy medium

Especially for people with EDs and addiction issues

Another thing is the numbers

I know I can get totally obsessed seeing the numbers go down

It's like a power trip 

That false feeling that you are in control

But of course you are in fact spinning wildly out of control

Someone mentioned yesterday 

About allowing my body to be the size it wants to be 

This is another interesting point

Before my ED

I was always around 54kg

But since my ED developed 

My weight has fluctuated a lot

I never seem to stay the same weight for long

Because of all the bingeing and purging 

I've been trying to stay in around a size 8 - 10

But maybe my body needs to be bigger for a while

I'm sure my metabolism is shot at this point 

And my body is compensating 

Because it's not always sure when it's being fed again

Or if I will let my body keep the food

Now my challenge is to get back to some sort of normality

Over the last week or so

I've become used to being hungry 

And almost even enjoying it

All of a sudden 

It becomes difficult to eat

And I don't doubt that it will be now

I will take it easy 

Rule no 1 is to stop weighing 

And to eat three meal and snacks

But still allow myself a treat when the fancy takes me

I guess I  am a work in progress

As I wrote yesterday

Recovery is not a straight road

God knows I make mistakes on a daily basis 

But I do try to learn from them

And not repeat them

That is the trick I think 

Yesterday's comments 

Reminded me why I write this blog

You beautiful and smart ladies have me done sterling advice 

And thdt is exactly why I wrote they post yesterday 

As I know you will tell me what I need to hear

Rather than what I want to hear

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For reading 

For being there

For being honest with me

Even when it's difficult and awkward 

I appreciate it more than you will ever know 

Also

I lost a follower today

Is that because I disappointed you?

Ana bites back???

The past week has been tough

And I've avoided writing about it 

Because I don't know if there's cause for concern

I don't know if what I am doing is normal

Or an ED behaviour

I don't know if I should even write about it

But when I read Kate's post the other day

And saw she had the courage to post how she was feeling 

This blog is not about how recovery is all rainbows and unicorn farts

This blog is about reality

About what life is like living with

And recovering from an ED and addiction

And let me tell you

Recovery is not a straight path 

There are many twists and turns

And bumps and obstacles along the way

Sometimes it feels like one step forward

And two steps back

Right now I feel like I have taken those steps backwards

Let me explain

In recent times 

I had stopped weighing 

And was using my clothes as a measure of my size

I had certain items of clothing that were like a gauge for me

One item being a pair of navy trousers that I bought in London summer 2014

These trousers are a size 10

But have a really tight fastener at the front 

When I bought them 

They were a bit too big 

But I like to have a bit of wiggle room in my clothes

Over the next year my weight was quite stable 

And any time I tried on the trousers 

They always fit 

Then this year my weight fluctuated quite a lot 

I lost weight in Turkey

But put it on again when I came home 

Then 

About 10 days ago 

I weighed myself 

The number didn't devastate me

In fact it didn't mean a whole lot

But then 

I tried on said navy trousers 

And couldn't close the clasp

Albeit they were just a little bit too tight

But to me

That was unacceptable 

I didn't plan on doing anything 

I wasn't dieting or anything like it 

But one thing was for sure

I was getting back in to those trousers 

So

I began to be more mindful of what I was eating 

And decided not to eat after my main meal in the evening 

And dare I say it

I even had a goal weight

Am I on dodgy ground yet?

I think so...

The last ten days

Ive been weighing myself every morning 

I've lost eight pounds 

And want to lose a few more 

I must stress though

I am not under weight 

And goal weight is not under weight 

I just want to fit in my clothes 

That's ok

Isn't it?

I don't know 

This all seems harmless

And maybe I  am totally deluded 

The navy trousers close now 

But now I want more room I them 

Is that ED talking?

I don't know guys 

Please tell me if this sounds disordered 

Or if it's normal to want to lose a few pounds 

Because I don't want to go backwards 

I don't want to be underweight

I don't want to put my family through that nightmare again

I've told my mother about my plan

And asked her to alert me if I'm getting obsessive 

I am eating 

And I am not starving 

Or bingeing and purging 

I'm just being a little more careful with what I choose to eat 

I just want to feel ok in my skin

I just want to fit in to my clothes 

I just want to be healthy and happy 

I do not want to harm myself 

Or any one else 

Thoughts please..

To Paris with love...

I woke up this morning to the news of the terror attacks in Paris last night

As I write this

My Mother and I are watching the news 

And the terror that unfolded 

My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those that were killed

And I genuinely worry for the state of the world 

Take care today

Keep your loved ones close 

And remember how lucky we are 

That we weren't attacked

That we are not living in a country under siege 

And forced to flee our homes for an unknown and uncertain future 

That we, as women, have the luxury of food

Of clean water 

Of the right to vote 

The right to education

All over the world atrocities are happening 

Sometimes it doesn't seem real to me

It's like a made up story 

Happening in a made up place

These attacks in Paris are too close for comfort 

Today I am grateful to have my family safe and well 

To have my dogs at my feet 

And freedom at my fingertips 

Paris

We are thinking of you...

Honey and Lea, 10 years on

My dogs are now over ten years old

Honey is actually older than Lea

Although you wouldn't think it

But they are starting to act their age

Lea is always eager to go for a walk

But Honey elects to stay home some days

And cuddles up in her bed when she sees me putting on my jacket

I got Honey from the dog shelter

And the second day I had her

She was hit by a car on the road 

She was fine though

She is a tough little cookie 

As you know

Honey lost an eye earlier this year

It was quite the traumatic event for her

But

She had made a remarkable recovery

It takes more than that to stop a feisty little terrier

Honey often gets ailments now

Her paw gives her trouble 

And some days she doesn't move from her bed 

She is still as cheeky as ever though 

No matter how many times you tell her not to do something 

She will do it any chance she gets 

If the hall door is left open

She will sneak down and make herself at home on my bed 

One thing about Honey 

Is that she loves her food 

After she has finished her dinner

She will go over to Lea

To see if she has any left

When she hears the biscuit tin being opened 

She comes running 

Honey likes to think that she is the boss of everything 

But in all reality

Lea could really hurt Honey if she wanted to

She just lets Honey think she's the boss

Lea on the other hand

Is a gentle giant 

She's more sensitive 

More gentle 

She just wAnts you to rub her all day long 

And if you stop 

She will nudge your hand with her head until you start again

Lea is quite needy

And any time I walk in to the kitchen

She gets up and follows me 

My mother jokes that Lea is a special needs dog 

Because she is not as smart as Honey

But I think Lea deserves more credit than that 

When I let her out at night for her last run before bed 

When she is finished 

She will go around to the sitting room window 

And bark for you to let her in

That's pretty intelligent if you ask me

Lea was almost a Mama once

She was pregnant with puppies 

But when we brought her for a check up 

There were no heart beats 

Although she still had to give birth to them

So it was quite the traumatic experience for her 

Lea found it really difficult when I was In treatment over the years 

Mum has told me how she fell in to depression 

And her fur even fell out

Yes 

There is no doubt

Lea is a sensitive little soul

Lea and Honey have been a source of great joy in my life 

A dog is a great companion

A friend for life 

They have have been an integral part of my recovery too

When I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed

I got up for them 

When I didn't want to leave the house 

I left to walk them 

They have been by my side every step of my recovery 

They have enriched my life 

I really believe that animals have the power to heal us 

Whether it's horses

Or cats

Or hamsters 

They take us out of ourselves 

They remind us to forgive 

They give us something to focus on other than ourselves 

They are loyal and loving companions 

I love them so much 

I'll leave you with this saying 

I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am 

New do

As you know

I had half my head shaved a few months ago

Well

I say shaved 

It was actually cut very short

But not quite shaved 

The hair has grown back quite quickly

And instead of heading back to the hairdresser like a normal person 

I asked my sister to shave it

But then the only shaver I could find was the dogs clippers 

I must stress

I had not use it on the dogs at all 

It was fresh out of the box

This time I really did shave it

And I'm really liking it

Who knows 

I might even shave my head if the fancy takes me!

Anyway

Enough with the words

Here are the photos....