Christmas survival kit!

Christmas is fast approaching

I swear I blinked and this whole year went by

For me

Christmas is a double edged sword

Part of me loves it

The lights

The atmosphere

The Christmas spirit

Wrapping up in woolly clothes

Snuggling up beside the fire

Going for walks in the crisp winter air

But like a lot of people 

I can really struggle with the holiday too

They don't call it the silly season for nothing 

Christmas in this country seems to be about two things

Alcohol

And food 

Both of which I have issues with 

I remember back to my teens and early twenties 

Christmas was all about the pub

I can remember going to the pub after school

Changing out of my uniform in the bathroom

On a Friday the pub staff ordered boxes of chicken wings for the punters 

Oh to be able to eat chicken wings without my ED in my head

Still

I can get nostalgic around this time of year 

And there is nothing more Christmassy than a hot toddy

Or a glass of brandy

Unfortunately 

I just can't drink 

And neither do most of my family 

Now a days we have a strictly alcohol free house for the holidays 

We have learned the hard way that my family and alcohol just do not mix

I can remember growing up

Drinks 

Followed by dinner

Followed by more drinks

Followed by huge family argument

No 

No drink is worth the peace of mind that we have now

So 

How do we get through the holidays 

Stay sane 

And not harm ourselves or anyone else?

Well

It's tricky 

Christmas time often means spending much time with family and people you don't usually see from one end of the year to the other 

It means being cooped up inside for 24 hours straight 

Putting on a happy face when you unwrap your gifts and see that auntie Margaret has given you lavender soap yet again 

It means eating to the point that you feel

Positively ill

Watching the Christmas movie

And promptly falling asleep on the couch

While your nephew draws on your face

Try not to let the idea of Christmas dictate the days and weeks leading up to it

And try not to anticipate what the day itself will be like 

For the eating disordered 

Christmas can be tough 

The build up to the holidays

Being out of your usual routine

All the emphasis on food and drink

The socialising 

Expectations for the perfect day can all contribute to stress, pressure and anxiety

And things generally being out of sorts for a couple of weeks 

I guess the first thing to do is not to panic 

Take deep breathes 

And remember that Christmas is just one day 

24 hours 

Our routine may be all over the place

But one day is manageable 

We can get through it

For me 

It's important to stay busy 

I usually bring the dogs to the beach on Christmas morning

And watch the charity swim

Then I go to mass with some of my family 

Get home

And get stuck in to helping with the dinner

Staying busy gives me less chance for my mind to wander and become anxious 

I know it seems like food is everywhere at this time of year 

But remember 

If you eat more than usual on the day

It's ok 

In fact it's normal 

Everyone does it 

So don't panic 

Don't beat yourself up

It's completely natural to eat a little bit extra sometimes 

Everything in moderation

Including moderation 

The thing I find the toughest about Christmas is all the socialising 

Our house is the main focus of our family

So there are a lot of visitors over the holidays 

A constant stream of people in and out

Actually

It's more the thought of all this activity

When it's actually happening 

It's not too bad 

It's more the thoughts of it

And the anxiety that goes with that

Over Christmas 

It's important to remember to look after yourself

To be kind to yourself 

And not to put yourself under too much pressure 

Do what you feel you can do 

Be that a little or a lot 

No one expects you to be Wonder Woman

Although we seem to expect that of ourselves 

Also 

Take some time out for yourself if you need to

Take half an hour on your own to recharge your batteries 

Meditate 

Practise mindfulness

Or get out for a walk 

To clear your head 

And take a breath

Listen to music 

Read a book

Something I have to be wary of 

Is all or nothing thinking

Eating none of the food

Or all of the food 

Thinking because one thing goes wrong

Everything is ruined 

One good idea 

Is to have a buddy on stand by 

Someone you can give a quick ring of things become too much 

You can also be someone else's buddy 

Having a voice of reason

To bring you back down to earth can be invaluable 

Of course support is a two way thing

So both of you will benefit 

Be mindful of isolating over the holidays 

Stay in touch with your supports 

Beware of all or nothing thinking that leads to unrealistic and rigid expectations

It's about listening to you and your body 

And knowing that it's ok to have what you want 

Remembering that it is just one day and nothing awful will happen if you change the rules

Reminding yourself thdt Christmas is not only about food

Food is just one part of it

And may need some planning to work for you 

With all that said

Remember it's Christmas

It's to be enjoyed 

Yes, we will struggle 

And our EDs often don't want us to enjoy ourselves 

Especially around anorexia 

It's all about being strict and regimented 

And punishment can feature too

Because you know what guys?

We are far too hard on ourselves

We are the first ones to bring ourselves down 

We bully ourselves 

Verbally and physically

We deserve a break

We deserve to enjoy our Christmas 

In whatever form that may take 

God knows we are dealing with enough every other day of the year

Eating disorders 

Mental illness 

Addiction 

Self harm

We deserve at least one day to relax

To enjoy ourselves 

Whether you are in the midst of your illness

Or embarking on recovery 

We all deserve to smile

To laugh 

To throw some shapes on the dance floor 

To let our hair down

Because when else can we get the chance to do that?

So

I wish you and yours

A very happy and peaceful Christmas

I hope you get to spend time with the ones you Iove

Hold them close

Hug them tight

Cherish every moment with them

Because they are the ones that matter

They are the ones who hold our hands

Who pick up the pieces when it all falls apart

This year I  especially grateful to have my family around me

With everyone in good health 

We have much to celebrate this year

I hope you do too...

Christmas cards

I'm writing my Christmas cards today

I have some of your addresses

But if I don't have yours 

Please leave it below in the comment section

Or email me if you would rather...

Tis the season....

We put up our Christmas decorations at the weekend

I wasn't really in the humour

And the thoughts of getting in the Christmas spirit made me want to curl up in to a ball and cry

But 

As the day went on

And we went through the attic

And found all our decorations old and new

I managed to cheer up a bit

I did the whole tree

Draped lights over the hall stand 

Lit cinnamon fragranced candles

And all of a sudden I felt really Christmassy 

We are having a quiet Christmas this year 

There will just be the six of us

And my elderly neighbour is coming for dinner

But I can't see her staying too long

As she likes a drink

And we always have an alcohol free Christmas 

I think back to Christmas growing up

It was always a wash out

My father would get horribly drunk 

It was always best to stay away from him before four drinks and after eight drinks

He would usually insult someone 

I can remember one Christmas when we all had to move to my sisters apartment because my father was on such a bender

Tough times needless to say

But now 

Well none of us drink anymore

So we have a quiet but civilised Christmas 

We have learned the hard way 

That alcohol just does not suit us

I've been thinking recently 

That I really don't  miss alcohol 

I mean 

Nothing is real when you are drunk

It's like everything is fake 

And I don't like that 

This country has been battered by two storms over the last week

First

Was storm Clodagh

Followed by storm Desmond 

The west bore the brunt of it

Rivers burst their banks 

Fields were flooded

Roads too 

Trees blew down

Poor animals had an awful time 

And worst of all 

Peoples houses were flooded

I was speaking to a woman in the supermarket yesterday

And the whole ground floor of her house was completely flooded

She showed me a video on her phone of the damage 

It looked just horrendous

What sort of Christmas will she have now?

I count my lucky stars that we weren't effected by the storms 

In other news 

I found out about a writing group in my area that is starting in January

It sounds great 

They meet every second Monday 

And there is no pressure 

I'm actually really looking forward to it

Bredas words yesterday really resonated with me

She said that I am too young to sit and home and waste my life 

I need to get out and about more 

Meet people 

Socialise 

Expand a little bit 

Because at the moment 

Short of walking my dogs and blogging

I am doing very little 

I need something to take me away from myself

And out of my own head 

Also 

On Thursday 

I am going to get another piercing done

Either my septum 

Or my upper lip

I am super excited to get it done

And of course 

I wil document the whole thing for you 

My parents despair at why I am doing this

And I am secretly kind of enjoying that 

It feeds my need to be a bit of a rebel 

So that's it from me today 

As promised 

I will do a Christmas survival kit post sometime this week

As I know it can be a really tough time of year 

There are not many of us bloggers left 

Do we need to stick together 

look out for each other 

And support each other 

Christmas can really be a lonely time of year 

Maybe you're recently bereaved 

Or estranged from your family 

Maybe you're dealing with illness

Mental or physical 

Maybe you have no one to spend Christmas Day with 

Maybe you are struggling with food

Or your mood is low 

Maybe the thoughts of Christmas send your anxiety in to over drive 

Maybe you don't even want to celebrate 

Because you can't find a reason to 

I think it's so important to reach out to the vulnerable at this time of year 

Call in to an elderly neighbour

Maybe get them a little gift 

Maybe invite them over for dinner

Or help them with their shopping 

It really is the little things that make a huge difference

Saying hello to someone on the street 

Giving them a smile 

It may be the only human voice they hear all day 

And it might just brighten their day

One thing I like to do at this time of year 

Is leave an anonymous letter for someone to find 

A really positive letter to make someone feel good 

I've left them before in car parks 

On windows of cars 

In public bathrooms 

It's just spreading a little bit of love

At a time when people are so caught up in themselves and their own lives

I truly hope that you have a relaxing and peaceful Christmas this year

God knows you deserve it

I hope you get to spend time with the people you love

And tell them 

Tell them how much they mean to you

That can be the greatest gift of all

Usually at this time of year 

I use it as an excuse to over take my meds 

And generally be a bit out of it

But this year 

I am going to do my best to be present and lucid

So I can really be part of things 

And enjoy it 

I am so blessed to be able to say that my family are doing well at the moment 

Between addiction, mental health issues and resentments 

My family really has been through the wars 

But 

We have managed to get through it

And come out the other side

I am eternally grateful for that 

And as my mother often says

Given what we have been through

We are not doing to badly at all

Merry Christmas

To you and yours....

Monday

Just like Sunday is the day of rest

Monday is the day of the doctor

I rose while it was still dark

Stumbled to the kitchen 

Where Honey and Lea greeted me

I must have got up at some point in the night

And let them in to the kitchen 

Although I have no memory of doing so 

It's like Lea knows it's Monday morning

As she is always rearing to go

Honey was less keen to venture outside

And had to be coaxed in to the car

I drove slowly to town

As were experiencing the tail end of storm Desmond at the moment 

There is much flooding and damage done in the area 

My neighbours whole patio blew away this weekend 

We arrived at the doctors safely 

And my mum went to walk the dogs

While I went to the surgery

I was called in the minute I sat down

I was also planning to tell my doctor about my food issues at the moment 

We talked about the storm for a few minutes 

Then I broached the subject of my ED

He weighed me 

And checked his computer for my weight records 

But the only weights he had recorded was when I was really under weight

And the last weight he recorded was under 40 kilos

He obviously stopped recording my weight when I began to recover 

So he had nothing to reference from

But by my calculations 

I've lost 14 pounds since the incident with the navy jeans 

My doctor to me he would keep an eye on it 

But the was no need to worry yet

Then he said that he has a patient in treatment 

And their goal weight was the same as my current weight

Way to make me feel like my problems matter 

I then went and collected my meds in the pharmacy 

And headed back down to the surgery to see Breda 

I haven't seen her in over a month

So there was much to catch up on

I brought her up to speed on everything

My meds 

The methadone reduction 

Meetings

I also told her about my struggling with food

How the purging has increased 

And my weight headed south 

She asked me what had triggered this

And all I could think of 

Was the day I tried on my navy trousers 

And couldn't fasten them 

Breda is great

The best addiction counsellor that I've ever seen

She always has good common sense

And practical advice 

She encouraged me to ring Mary again

And maybe get some top up sessions to get me back on track

So I will give Mary a ring today

And hopefully will be able to see her this side of Christmas 

My weight is now on the very low side of healthy 

And is still dropping rapidly 

I know if I don't do something soon

That I will be I deep trouble 

I can't afford to lose any more 

Breda also asked me how I am spending my days 

I gave her an idea 

She told me that it is really important that I have an occupation

A reason to get up in the morning 

To mix with others 

And push out of my comfort zone 

She makes a lot of sense with this 

I'm really not doing a whole lot at the moment 

Outside of taking care of my dogs

And writing my blog 

Breda said thdt I am too young to be sitting at home on my laurels 

I need to get out and about 

Socialise 

Do new things

And things that I enjoy 

She is really on the ball in this regard 

My life is very limited at the moment

I dont see a lot of people outside of my family 

I also don't go out a whole lot

And when I do

I am always anxious to get home

Breda also asked about meetings 

And if I was attending 

Unfortunately 

I haven't been going 

Breda said that all I have to do is go once or twice a week

And I don't have to speak if I don't want to

And I guess I don't 

Knowing that I don't have to speak does lessen the anxiety 

So I hope to go back soon

As for me 

 I'm trying desperately to hang on to my recovery 

What's left of it 

Every day it's a battle

But it's one thdt I refuse to lose 

What's happening to blogger?

I'm worried

Blogger seems to be falling apart 

Breaking down 

Coming apart at the seams

Very few of us are posting these days

And those that are posting are struggling massively

Every day it seems another person drops off the face of the blogosphere 

I remember a couple of years ago 

There was a thriving community

Now

It seems there are very few of us left

I hope the ones who left 

Have left for a better life 

That they don't need this community anymore 

Because they are getting on with their lives

The reality is some will have recovered

Some will be living somewhere between the disorder and recovery

And some won't recover

And will possibly die 

It's a stark reminder that this illness is not a fad

Or a phase 

Or a diet 

It's a deadly mental illness that destroys lives 

If these ladies did go to find recovery

Then I am very glad 

I would rather have a quiet blogosphere

Than a blogosphere full of very ill people 

I wish them every health and happiness

And hope they find a life beyond ED

Christmas is a tough time

We need to stick together 

Support each other 

Look out for each other 

Our community is dwindling 

And we need to look after the ones who are left 

As for me 

I'm doing ok 

Slowly trying to claw back the ground I lost 

I'm still weighing which is a problem

I know I do a lot better when I avoid the scales

For a while there

The only thing in the day I looked forward to was standing on the scales in the morning

How sad is that?

Apologies for the short posts these days 

I don't want to go on and on about how I'm struggling 

I'm hoping that soon 

I will be back on track 

And back to myself 

Living my life 

Volunteering 

Going on dates 

Spending time with friends

All that good stuff 

Thank you for staying with me

I appreciate it more than you know 

The build up to the season....

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year

The only person coming for dinner is my elderly neighbour

And I doubt she will stay very long

I thank my lucky stars, God and whoever else made this happen 

As I just couldn't cope with a big deal this Christmas

There will be seven of us 

All of whom are aware of my situation and will cut me some slack if I need it

I have nothing done for Christmas

Not one present bought

We are supposed to be putting up the decorations today 

But I would rather eat my own food 

This is not a good sign 

As I am usually chief decorator 

I just can't seem to summon the energy or the inclination 

But as ever 

I will put on a brave face 

And do my best to get in to the Christmas spirit 

Which reminds me

I must do a Christmas survival kit post soon 

In other new 

The bingeing and purging seems to have ceased 

Praise the Lord!

As I was beginning to lose the will to live over here 

It really is truly horrid to be stuck in the binge purge cycle 

The feeling of being wildly out of control

Of not being able to stop 

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom 

The constant shopping and the waste of money on good food 

It's all just a nightmare 

I had been going since I was in Cork

There is something about being in someone else's house 

That makes me feel so out of control

And I feel I have to eat all the time

When I got home

I spent another three days on the merry-go-round 

And then yesterday 

All of a sudden 

It stopped in its tracks

I dont know how or why 

Maybe I was burnt out 

Maybe my body had had enough 

Whatever the reason

I'm just glad it's over 

For now

I feel like a complete fraud at the moment 

A fraud in recovery 

A fraud being clean and sober

A fraud in life

But then again

I am also conscious not to be too hard on myself 

Because I know that's food for the disorder

And that's the last thing I need

As I mentioned yesterday 

I am now the weight that I wanted to get to

Which is the weight I was before ED

And was also my goal weight when I was in hospital 

Which puts me at a BMI of almost 20

So

Now that I've lost weight

Do I feel any happier?

Any better?

Am I now thin and pretty?

Has my life improved in any great way?

Am I more popular?

More successful?

Does weight loss make me a better person?

Well I can categorically answer no to all those questions

In reality 

The only thing that has changed 

Is that I take up less space

And what good is that?

The only other side effects I have experienced are dizziness, nausea, seeing stars and lightheadedness

I think back to a few weeks ago

When I was about 7 kilos heavier 

I was doing ok

I wasn't unhappy 

Ok some days i struggled with body image

But I was getting on with my life 

I wasn't weighing myself 

And I felt pretty good

I know that I need to let go of the reigns

The control

And let my body be

Stop trying to mould myself in to what society deems beautiful

I had reached a point where i liked  the curvy look more than the skinny look

I look at Cheryl Cole on the TV every week 

Her ever shrinking frame

Her hollow cheek bones

Her eyes huge in her head

And I feel nothing but sorry for her

She is not to be coveted or envied 

She is to be pitied

I was even beginning to like my thighs

Which I've always hated

Yet

I let my mind play tricks on me

I went back to thinking that skinny was the way to go

But it doesn't suit me

It never has

I just look pale and wan and ill

So

This is me 

I am struggling 

Even though logically and rationally I know what I am doing is not good

It's still so very hard to stop

And the time of year doesn't help either

But as ever

And like all the ladies here on blogger

I will keep fighing

Keep hoping 

And most of all 

Keep believing.....

Untitled

Apologies

I know I haven't  been great at replying to emails or comments recently

And I know some of you are worried 

I am ok

Or at least I will be

I just feel so stupid

So silly that I thought I could lose a few pounds and leave it at that 

I'm now at the weight I wanted to be

But is it the weight my body wants to be?

I'm not so sure

I almost feel like I've been duped

Or tricked by my ED

By my own mind 

She tempted me with the usual false promises 

That I will be happier

Thinner

Prettier 

More successful 

If i just lost a few pounds 

What really gets me is that I fell for it

I didn't even see it coming 

I really thought that I was in control

I mean honestly 

I am/was in early recovery 

How could I have possibly thought that losing weight was a good idea

But at the same time

I don't want to give myself too hard a time

Because that can feed in to the disorder too

I know I need to regroup

Refocus 

Learn from this Mistake 

And get back on track

I've been on my own for the last few days 

And it's been utter bedlam 

My dogs look at me going from to bathroom 

They sense that I'm not fully present

Because I'm not 

I'm all over the shop

My thinking 

My behaviours 

My mood 

Anxiety 

And I feel like utter horse shit

I'm dizzy 

I'm lethargic 

My body feels like it's taken a beating 

Probably because it has 

I haven't heard from Mary yet 

I'm sure she's busy 

But I hope I hear from her soon 

I can't go on like this 

It will kill me 

I know it will

I really appreciate all of you who have left comments, texts and emails

Thank you 

And you make so much sense

I know I am fighting against what my body wants and needs 

Maybe I am meant to be a little bigger than this 

What is wrong with that?

It seems that is fine for others 

But not for me 

I hold myself to a different standard 

I need to stop doing that 

So 

I  am ok

I'm here 

Still fighting 

And not giving up....