Sunday

I want to apologise for not always replying to comments recently 

I have to admit

Sometimes I am afraid to look at my comments

As i am afraid of getting nasty ones

I actually experience anxiety before checking comments 

Even though 99% of comments are lovely 

There's always that one horrible one that can overshadow everything else

I'm also struggling to reply to comments 

As I am finding things tough at the moment 

I know I haven't been writing a lot of personal posts recently 

Because I feel like a bit of a fraud 

I'm supposed to be in recovery 

I'm supposed to be doing well 

Yet 

Every day I struggle 

Every day I weigh myself 

And every day for the last few weeks I've lost weight 

God forgive me

I am getting a buzz out of seeing the numbers go down

It's a sick sick game 

But oh so addictive 

The last time I saw Breda

She spoke about widening my circle

And doing more 

And I am struggling massively with this

I've pulled away from my friends 

All bar one 

Who I still meet every couple of weeks 

But apart from that 

And looking after my dogs 

I don't actually do very much 

I know I need to fill my days 

Get out and meet people 

Have a purpose 

I gets its a choice

Choose the ED and live a lonely miserable life

With no friends 

No job 

No college 

No dogs because I can't look after them 

No life 

Nothing but me and my childlike body for company 

Or else I could choose recovery 

And choose life 

Yes, life is scary

It's tough 

Boring 

Overwhelming 

But it's also exciting 

Fun 

Enjoyable 

With recovery 

I get to live the life I want to live

I have my loved ones around me

Family 

Friends 

Dogs 

I study

I work 

I exercise 

I enjoy my food 

And am not in a constant battle with myself over food, weight and body image

You would think that this is a no brainer

That most sane people would choose the latter 

But since when have I been sane?

I feel the pull of my ED 

I hear her whispering in my ear

All of things that will improve if I lose weight 

I can't lie 

It's so very tempting 

She is convincing 

And I have little resistance 

If I keep going the way I am

I'm going to be underweight very soon 

But the thing is 

I have reached the goal I set myself 

And in fact gone beyond it

That should be enough right?

Maybe for a 'normal' non eating disordered person

For us

The goal posts constantly shift

Anorexia will push you as far as it possibly can

To your very limits 

Until something gives

Your body or your mind 

I have no doubt that my ED wAnts me dead 

That is her goal

To either starve myself to death 

Die of a heart attack

Or tAke a handful of pills 

The ultimate sacrifice 

Having said all that 

I'm not about to throw my recovery and my life away 

I've worked too hard to get through my issues 

And I didn't come through heroin addiction just to be killed by my ED 

I have thought about sharing my weight here on my blog 

But have decided against it

I've never shared my weight here 

I just don't think it's relevant 

And I know we have a tenancy to zone in on the numbers 

And compare their weight

So in an effort to avoid that 

I won't be posting my weight 

Another reason things are tough at the moment 

Is that my sister is battling a very nasty bout of depression

And is feeling really low these days 

Its a bit of an eye opener to be on the other side of mental illness 

I'm so used to being the patient 

The one that needs the help

So to actually be the onlooker is really difficult 

My sister is quiet

Withdrawn 

Very upset at times 

And feeling quite hopeless 

It's so hard to know what to say to someone 

How to help 

My strategy to help her

Is to make her laugh

As I genuinely believe that laughter is medicine for the soul 

I give her hugs

Sit on her bed and just chat

She comes for walks with me sometimes 

But 

It's obvious that she is really struggling

It's really  sad to witness 

And my mother and I feel so helpless

And useless 

I wish there was more we could go to help 

All we can do is be there 

Make sure she is ok

That she is warm

Eating ok

The dogs are really good with her 

They sit by her 

Rest their heads on her knee

It's like they know 

And they probably do 

I've never witnessed or lived with someone who has chronic depression 

Well I did when I was in hospital 

The people who were really low rarely came out of their rooms

Only venturing out to the smoking room every once and a while 

I remember one guy in particular 

We spoke while chain smoking 

Sitting on the window sill 

Blowing smoke rings back and forth

This guy was in the depths of despair 

Like he had completely given up

He wore the same clothes day in day out 

And there was quite a smell off him

He just couldn't muster the energy to have a shower 

He didn't see the point 

Didn't see the point of anything 

I've experience low mood before 

But I can't say that I've been clinically depressed 

I do worry for my sister 

I know she that she is trying to fight it 

And it's taking every single ounce of energy out of her 

Anyway 

I just wanted to explain my situation at the moment 

I guess there comes a time when real life needs me more than my virtual life

And that's ok

I am ok

and my sister is ok

At least we will be...

Saturday

I was supposed to be getting my next piercing done this week

But the girl I went to last time is away

And won't be back until mid January 

There are a couple of others near by

But they don't come highly recommended

And they don't use titanium

So I think my best bet is to hold on for the person I know to come back

Annoying 

But necessary

Especially given that I have absolutely no patience 

And want everything yesterday 

I was texting a girlfriend from school yesterday

She has had a myriad of piercings in her time 

Including all over her ears and face

Both nipples 

And down below!

I was asking her where she gets them done 

She said she had some done in Dublin

But a few of them she did herself 

I was blown away by this 

But she said she really enjoyed doing them

Of course my next questions was how todo it

She sent a brief text that involved a sterilised needle, ice, gloves and a clean towel 

I was fascinated 

So when we finished texting 

I decided to do a little research on line

And of course 

There are many many home videos on YouTube 

Showing how to pierce various pars of your body

As well

As detailed explanations on Google

I read through a few 

And I actually did consider it 

Yes 

I am one of those slightly crazy people who thinks piercing yourself from the comfort of your own home is a good idea

So I consulted my sister

Who is always the voice of reason

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I would be absolutely mental to do that 

And I let her talk me out of it

Part of me was relieved 

As I can imagine that it hurts like a mother....

But

I guess it gives me time to think about what to get done next 

As I'm not really sure at the moment 

I'm trying to decide between my lip

My septum

Or Medusa 

As you know 

I live my life on the verge of impulse

And often make silly decisions based on that 

So I will be a responsible adult 

And think my decisions through

Albeit being forced in to it....

Less than two weeks until Chritsmas kids!

All my cards have been posted 

The house is decorated 

The Christmas cake is maturing 

And we feed it with sherry every week

The turkey is ordered 

The shopping will soon be done 

And all I have to get is my Christmas gift for my sister 

I am looking forward to a quiet family Christmas 

No fuss 

No stress 

Just good old fashioned fun

Sans alcohol of course 

But I was wondering about you? 

Do you celebrate Christmas? 

How?

Who will you celebrate with?

Do you have any Christmas traditions?

Maybe you don't like the holidays

How do you get through?

Answers on a postcard please.....

By the way

I didn't reply to comments yesterday as I didn't read them after the first one 

Which was accusing me of driving illegally 

I'm done done replying to these comments 

And even though it's not an anonymous comment

It might as well be

When I crashed my car

That was years ago 

It's in the past 

Yes, I made some stupid mistakes when I was using 

But the clue is in the fact that I was using 

I wasn't in the right frame of mind 

Do I regret my actions from back then?

Yes

Can I change them? 

No 

So I do my best to learn the lesson and move on 

That's all I can do 

Cathartic.co

I was recently contacted by a lady called Sophie Burton

Who runs a site called Cathartic.co

It's a site where peoe can share their stories anonymously 

Help themselves

And help others too

Sophie interviewed me for the site 

And below is the link

Hope you enjoy.....

https://cathartic.co/viewblog.php?bid=18

Christmas survival kit!

Christmas is fast approaching

I swear I blinked and this whole year went by

For me

Christmas is a double edged sword

Part of me loves it

The lights

The atmosphere

The Christmas spirit

Wrapping up in woolly clothes

Snuggling up beside the fire

Going for walks in the crisp winter air

But like a lot of people 

I can really struggle with the holiday too

They don't call it the silly season for nothing 

Christmas in this country seems to be about two things

Alcohol

And food 

Both of which I have issues with 

I remember back to my teens and early twenties 

Christmas was all about the pub

I can remember going to the pub after school

Changing out of my uniform in the bathroom

On a Friday the pub staff ordered boxes of chicken wings for the punters 

Oh to be able to eat chicken wings without my ED in my head

Still

I can get nostalgic around this time of year 

And there is nothing more Christmassy than a hot toddy

Or a glass of brandy

Unfortunately 

I just can't drink 

And neither do most of my family 

Now a days we have a strictly alcohol free house for the holidays 

We have learned the hard way that my family and alcohol just do not mix

I can remember growing up

Drinks 

Followed by dinner

Followed by more drinks

Followed by huge family argument

No 

No drink is worth the peace of mind that we have now

So 

How do we get through the holidays 

Stay sane 

And not harm ourselves or anyone else?

Well

It's tricky 

Christmas time often means spending much time with family and people you don't usually see from one end of the year to the other 

It means being cooped up inside for 24 hours straight 

Putting on a happy face when you unwrap your gifts and see that auntie Margaret has given you lavender soap yet again 

It means eating to the point that you feel

Positively ill

Watching the Christmas movie

And promptly falling asleep on the couch

While your nephew draws on your face

Try not to let the idea of Christmas dictate the days and weeks leading up to it

And try not to anticipate what the day itself will be like 

For the eating disordered 

Christmas can be tough 

The build up to the holidays

Being out of your usual routine

All the emphasis on food and drink

The socialising 

Expectations for the perfect day can all contribute to stress, pressure and anxiety

And things generally being out of sorts for a couple of weeks 

I guess the first thing to do is not to panic 

Take deep breathes 

And remember that Christmas is just one day 

24 hours 

Our routine may be all over the place

But one day is manageable 

We can get through it

For me 

It's important to stay busy 

I usually bring the dogs to the beach on Christmas morning

And watch the charity swim

Then I go to mass with some of my family 

Get home

And get stuck in to helping with the dinner

Staying busy gives me less chance for my mind to wander and become anxious 

I know it seems like food is everywhere at this time of year 

But remember 

If you eat more than usual on the day

It's ok 

In fact it's normal 

Everyone does it 

So don't panic 

Don't beat yourself up

It's completely natural to eat a little bit extra sometimes 

Everything in moderation

Including moderation 

The thing I find the toughest about Christmas is all the socialising 

Our house is the main focus of our family

So there are a lot of visitors over the holidays 

A constant stream of people in and out

Actually

It's more the thought of all this activity

When it's actually happening 

It's not too bad 

It's more the thoughts of it

And the anxiety that goes with that

Over Christmas 

It's important to remember to look after yourself

To be kind to yourself 

And not to put yourself under too much pressure 

Do what you feel you can do 

Be that a little or a lot 

No one expects you to be Wonder Woman

Although we seem to expect that of ourselves 

Also 

Take some time out for yourself if you need to

Take half an hour on your own to recharge your batteries 

Meditate 

Practise mindfulness

Or get out for a walk 

To clear your head 

And take a breath

Listen to music 

Read a book

Something I have to be wary of 

Is all or nothing thinking

Eating none of the food

Or all of the food 

Thinking because one thing goes wrong

Everything is ruined 

One good idea 

Is to have a buddy on stand by 

Someone you can give a quick ring of things become too much 

You can also be someone else's buddy 

Having a voice of reason

To bring you back down to earth can be invaluable 

Of course support is a two way thing

So both of you will benefit 

Be mindful of isolating over the holidays 

Stay in touch with your supports 

Beware of all or nothing thinking that leads to unrealistic and rigid expectations

It's about listening to you and your body 

And knowing that it's ok to have what you want 

Remembering that it is just one day and nothing awful will happen if you change the rules

Reminding yourself thdt Christmas is not only about food

Food is just one part of it

And may need some planning to work for you 

With all that said

Remember it's Christmas

It's to be enjoyed 

Yes, we will struggle 

And our EDs often don't want us to enjoy ourselves 

Especially around anorexia 

It's all about being strict and regimented 

And punishment can feature too

Because you know what guys?

We are far too hard on ourselves

We are the first ones to bring ourselves down 

We bully ourselves 

Verbally and physically

We deserve a break

We deserve to enjoy our Christmas 

In whatever form that may take 

God knows we are dealing with enough every other day of the year

Eating disorders 

Mental illness 

Addiction 

Self harm

We deserve at least one day to relax

To enjoy ourselves 

Whether you are in the midst of your illness

Or embarking on recovery 

We all deserve to smile

To laugh 

To throw some shapes on the dance floor 

To let our hair down

Because when else can we get the chance to do that?

So

I wish you and yours

A very happy and peaceful Christmas

I hope you get to spend time with the ones you Iove

Hold them close

Hug them tight

Cherish every moment with them

Because they are the ones that matter

They are the ones who hold our hands

Who pick up the pieces when it all falls apart

This year I  especially grateful to have my family around me

With everyone in good health 

We have much to celebrate this year

I hope you do too...

Christmas cards

I'm writing my Christmas cards today

I have some of your addresses

But if I don't have yours 

Please leave it below in the comment section

Or email me if you would rather...

Tis the season....

We put up our Christmas decorations at the weekend

I wasn't really in the humour

And the thoughts of getting in the Christmas spirit made me want to curl up in to a ball and cry

But 

As the day went on

And we went through the attic

And found all our decorations old and new

I managed to cheer up a bit

I did the whole tree

Draped lights over the hall stand 

Lit cinnamon fragranced candles

And all of a sudden I felt really Christmassy 

We are having a quiet Christmas this year 

There will just be the six of us

And my elderly neighbour is coming for dinner

But I can't see her staying too long

As she likes a drink

And we always have an alcohol free Christmas 

I think back to Christmas growing up

It was always a wash out

My father would get horribly drunk 

It was always best to stay away from him before four drinks and after eight drinks

He would usually insult someone 

I can remember one Christmas when we all had to move to my sisters apartment because my father was on such a bender

Tough times needless to say

But now 

Well none of us drink anymore

So we have a quiet but civilised Christmas 

We have learned the hard way 

That alcohol just does not suit us

I've been thinking recently 

That I really don't  miss alcohol 

I mean 

Nothing is real when you are drunk

It's like everything is fake 

And I don't like that 

This country has been battered by two storms over the last week

First

Was storm Clodagh

Followed by storm Desmond 

The west bore the brunt of it

Rivers burst their banks 

Fields were flooded

Roads too 

Trees blew down

Poor animals had an awful time 

And worst of all 

Peoples houses were flooded

I was speaking to a woman in the supermarket yesterday

And the whole ground floor of her house was completely flooded

She showed me a video on her phone of the damage 

It looked just horrendous

What sort of Christmas will she have now?

I count my lucky stars that we weren't effected by the storms 

In other news 

I found out about a writing group in my area that is starting in January

It sounds great 

They meet every second Monday 

And there is no pressure 

I'm actually really looking forward to it

Bredas words yesterday really resonated with me

She said that I am too young to sit and home and waste my life 

I need to get out and about more 

Meet people 

Socialise 

Expand a little bit 

Because at the moment 

Short of walking my dogs and blogging

I am doing very little 

I need something to take me away from myself

And out of my own head 

Also 

On Thursday 

I am going to get another piercing done

Either my septum 

Or my upper lip

I am super excited to get it done

And of course 

I wil document the whole thing for you 

My parents despair at why I am doing this

And I am secretly kind of enjoying that 

It feeds my need to be a bit of a rebel 

So that's it from me today 

As promised 

I will do a Christmas survival kit post sometime this week

As I know it can be a really tough time of year 

There are not many of us bloggers left 

Do we need to stick together 

look out for each other 

And support each other 

Christmas can really be a lonely time of year 

Maybe you're recently bereaved 

Or estranged from your family 

Maybe you're dealing with illness

Mental or physical 

Maybe you have no one to spend Christmas Day with 

Maybe you are struggling with food

Or your mood is low 

Maybe the thoughts of Christmas send your anxiety in to over drive 

Maybe you don't even want to celebrate 

Because you can't find a reason to 

I think it's so important to reach out to the vulnerable at this time of year 

Call in to an elderly neighbour

Maybe get them a little gift 

Maybe invite them over for dinner

Or help them with their shopping 

It really is the little things that make a huge difference

Saying hello to someone on the street 

Giving them a smile 

It may be the only human voice they hear all day 

And it might just brighten their day

One thing I like to do at this time of year 

Is leave an anonymous letter for someone to find 

A really positive letter to make someone feel good 

I've left them before in car parks 

On windows of cars 

In public bathrooms 

It's just spreading a little bit of love

At a time when people are so caught up in themselves and their own lives

I truly hope that you have a relaxing and peaceful Christmas this year

God knows you deserve it

I hope you get to spend time with the people you love

And tell them 

Tell them how much they mean to you

That can be the greatest gift of all

Usually at this time of year 

I use it as an excuse to over take my meds 

And generally be a bit out of it

But this year 

I am going to do my best to be present and lucid

So I can really be part of things 

And enjoy it 

I am so blessed to be able to say that my family are doing well at the moment 

Between addiction, mental health issues and resentments 

My family really has been through the wars 

But 

We have managed to get through it

And come out the other side

I am eternally grateful for that 

And as my mother often says

Given what we have been through

We are not doing to badly at all

Merry Christmas

To you and yours....

Monday

Just like Sunday is the day of rest

Monday is the day of the doctor

I rose while it was still dark

Stumbled to the kitchen 

Where Honey and Lea greeted me

I must have got up at some point in the night

And let them in to the kitchen 

Although I have no memory of doing so 

It's like Lea knows it's Monday morning

As she is always rearing to go

Honey was less keen to venture outside

And had to be coaxed in to the car

I drove slowly to town

As were experiencing the tail end of storm Desmond at the moment 

There is much flooding and damage done in the area 

My neighbours whole patio blew away this weekend 

We arrived at the doctors safely 

And my mum went to walk the dogs

While I went to the surgery

I was called in the minute I sat down

I was also planning to tell my doctor about my food issues at the moment 

We talked about the storm for a few minutes 

Then I broached the subject of my ED

He weighed me 

And checked his computer for my weight records 

But the only weights he had recorded was when I was really under weight

And the last weight he recorded was under 40 kilos

He obviously stopped recording my weight when I began to recover 

So he had nothing to reference from

But by my calculations 

I've lost 14 pounds since the incident with the navy jeans 

My doctor to me he would keep an eye on it 

But the was no need to worry yet

Then he said that he has a patient in treatment 

And their goal weight was the same as my current weight

Way to make me feel like my problems matter 

I then went and collected my meds in the pharmacy 

And headed back down to the surgery to see Breda 

I haven't seen her in over a month

So there was much to catch up on

I brought her up to speed on everything

My meds 

The methadone reduction 

Meetings

I also told her about my struggling with food

How the purging has increased 

And my weight headed south 

She asked me what had triggered this

And all I could think of 

Was the day I tried on my navy trousers 

And couldn't fasten them 

Breda is great

The best addiction counsellor that I've ever seen

She always has good common sense

And practical advice 

She encouraged me to ring Mary again

And maybe get some top up sessions to get me back on track

So I will give Mary a ring today

And hopefully will be able to see her this side of Christmas 

My weight is now on the very low side of healthy 

And is still dropping rapidly 

I know if I don't do something soon

That I will be I deep trouble 

I can't afford to lose any more 

Breda also asked me how I am spending my days 

I gave her an idea 

She told me that it is really important that I have an occupation

A reason to get up in the morning 

To mix with others 

And push out of my comfort zone 

She makes a lot of sense with this 

I'm really not doing a whole lot at the moment 

Outside of taking care of my dogs

And writing my blog 

Breda said thdt I am too young to be sitting at home on my laurels 

I need to get out and about 

Socialise 

Do new things

And things that I enjoy 

She is really on the ball in this regard 

My life is very limited at the moment

I dont see a lot of people outside of my family 

I also don't go out a whole lot

And when I do

I am always anxious to get home

Breda also asked about meetings 

And if I was attending 

Unfortunately 

I haven't been going 

Breda said that all I have to do is go once or twice a week

And I don't have to speak if I don't want to

And I guess I don't 

Knowing that I don't have to speak does lessen the anxiety 

So I hope to go back soon

As for me 

 I'm trying desperately to hang on to my recovery 

What's left of it 

Every day it's a battle

But it's one thdt I refuse to lose