Day 4

It's early morning here again in hospital 

About 6am

And day 4 of no food

I was allowed two half cups of tea yesterday 

Which were absolute heaven

I gulped them down like water

When the night staff came on

I asked one of the nurses could I weigh myself in the morning 

She wasn't too sure that it was a good idea

But I insisted that I wouldn't have a hissy fit

So the nurse just brought the scales around

A dial one in kilos 

I stood on it

And was shocked to see I had gained three kilos 

I asked the nurse how was that possible when I haven't eaten in 3 days

She said it was the fluid

That they are pumping litres of fluid in to me every day 

And that it will settle down again

Before I had a complete meltdown

I remembered that the last time I was in hospital with pancreatitis 

I gained weight too while I was there

Then when I got home

The weight fell off me

So I won't panic just yet

I'm getting to know the ladies on my ward 

There is a lot of shuffling about 

Moving people in and out of beds

But on the whole 

The people are lovely 

Some are sicker than others 

Some don't talk at all

My last neighbour talked continuously 

Like a mantra over and over against

She was 92 

A night woman 

In her day she had been a pharmacist

She went home yesterday

And two very handsome ambulance men came to take her home 

Boy was I jealous.

I also asked the nurse if she thought I'd be allowed eat today

She said not a chance

I was crushed 

I was holding on for tea and toast

It was the only thing keeping me going

She also said that I'll be here for a while

Which is also not good news

Christmas is fast approaching 

And desperately want to be home

All I can do is hope and pray that this thing clears up by then 

I just wish I could sleep more 

But it's just not happening 

Even with a sleeping tablet 

I'm awake at 5am

With not a hope of getting back to sleep 

I may ask if the dosage of the zimovaine can be increased 

As I am exhausted

I was speaking with my mother last night

She told me that I need to start taking better care of myself 

I guess this is true

I don't eat properly 

I purge 

This is all taking a toll on my body 

I just feel so fragile right now 

Like it wouldn't take a lot to bring me down for good 

Anyway

Christmas will be a chance to relax and rest 

And I'll do my best to stay healthy

I was wondering about you

How do you celebrate Christmas?

Maybe you don't celebrate at all

Do you have any traditions?

What do you eat on Christmas Day?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

The witching hour

It's early Tuesday morning here in hospital 

Before 5am

All the patients on my ward are sleeping soundly 

Making various different noises and grunts and groans 

One woman they have to move out of the ward at night 

As she is so very noisy

It's quiet though

All I can hear are the voices of the nurses in the distance

And the squeak of their sensible shoes on the tiled  corridor

Today is my third day in hospital

   

Yesterday was busy. 

I had an ultra sound scanin the morning 

In which they could see my pancreas was inflamed

Then I had an endoscopy done 

You know the one where the sedate you and send a little camera down your throat 

And have a look stout stomach and stomach lining 

By the time I got back to the ward. 

My parents were waiting for me in the day room

But I was still a bit out of it 

and couldn't even hold a conversation  with them 

Apparently 

At some stage  

I rang my sister 

 And just babbled down the phone To her  like a crazy person

The unfortunate thing is 

That I've been fasting since I came in 

Which means I have eaten since Saturday 

I am more than ready for some food

But part of the treatment for pancreatitis

Is to fast 

I swear I would give my left arm for tea and toast right now

My pain has changed more than lessened 

It now feels like a severe pulled muscle in my stomach

You know the kind where it's hard to move or get comfortable 

But I feel better

Not so much pain

Or at least it's pain I can bear

Edit: just saw my doctor this morning

My bloods are still bad 

And are in fact getting worse 

He asked me if I drink

As it's usually alcoholics that get pancreatitis

So I am still fasting 

This is day 4 with no food

But there is good news 

I'm allowed to have a cup of tea today!

And you know how much I love my tea...

It's the little things...

I must tell you about the staff here 

They really are lovely 

Some of them actually remembered me from last time which is nice

A nurses job is not easy 

They are being pulled in every direction

But they do their job with a smile 

And that makes all the difference 

Anyway 

That's all from me today 

I'm off to get my meds 

And try to get well

Take care my dear friends 

Hospital

As I type this

I am currently in a ward in my local hospital

After spending about 6 hours in A&E yesterday

I was finally moved to a bed at about 6 30pm

Why am I here?

Well 

Let me explain 

I woke up yesterday morning at about 8am

I noticed that I had a kind of gnawing pain in my upper abdomen 

I didn't pass too much heed on it though

As its usual for me to have aches and pains throughout the day

So

I carried on with my normal routine

I let the dogs out

Made a cuppa 

And settled down to write my blog

The pain persisted 

But I did my best to ignore it 

Even though I wasn't feeling too good

I still brought the dogs out for a walk

This was my first mistake 

And my second was not bringing my phone with me 

I walked for our usual 45 minutes 

And on my way back

I began to feel really unwell

The pain worsened

I was dizzy

My whole body felt heavy

And I really thought I was going to pass out 

I stopped walking

I had to 

And sat down at the side of the road  trying to get my strength back 

I wasn't too far from home 

But I might as well have been one hundred miles away I felt so bad

I swear I thought I'd never get home

I walked a few steps 

Then stopped

And that was my pattern the whole way back

Eventually

After what seemed like an eternity 

I got home 

I dragged myself in to the kitchen 

And sat on the nearest chair

Oh the relief to be home 

I explained to my sister what had happened

Then my mother

The first thing she asked me was if I thought it was another attack of pancreatitis 

I wasn't sure 

As the pain wasn't in the same place as last time

You might remember back in 2013

I had rather a nasty bout of pancreatitis 

And was in hospital for a week

But I just wasn't sure this time 

It being  a Sunday 

The only doctor we could find was over an hour away 

I spoke to the doctor myself

And she gave me the option of going to see her 

Or going straight to hospital 

I figured it would make more sense to go to our local hospital 

But even then 

I still wasn't convinced that it warranted me taking such action

My mother and sister weren't convinced though 

I was as white as a ghost 

And I couldn't sit up straight

I took my own blood pressure

It was just a little on the low side 

The last time my BP was in my boots

So around lunch time

My mum and I set off for the hospital 

The weather was freezing 

And all the way in i felt we were overreacting 

I guess I was down playing how much pain I was in though

We arrived in A&E about half an hour later 

I was glad to see there were only a couple of people in the waiting room

I registered 

And then sat down to wait 

A short while later 

The nurse called me in to assess me

He was lovely 

I explained my situation 

The previous bout of pancreatitis

And my history of ED and addiction

He to me that his sister works in a hospital in London

And he knows it's not an easy thing to get over

Which I thought was kind of him to say

Again

He took my temperature and BP

And was sent out to the waiting room again 

Not long after 

I was called in to A&E

A pretty nurse who was quite heavily pregnant sat with me in a cubicle

And asked me some more questions

I explained about my bulimia

How I had been doing well up until a few weeks ago

When I began to lose weight

And the purging increased

She suspected that I had torn my oesophagus or my stomach lining

She also said I was dehydrated 

She put a canula in

And gave me some pain relief 

It didn't touch the pain though 

Then I was brought over to radiography for an x-Ray

Which turned out to be clear 

They had taken some bloods earlier

And the nurse came back with the results 

It turned out that they suspected it was in fact my pancreas

As the amalyse in my blood was unusually high 

All the while 

The pain persisted 

And I just couldn't get comfortable 

So they brought out the big guns

And gave me some IV morphine

It spread like warm water all through my body

And brought some much welcome pain relief 

At this point my other sister came in 

She was shocked when she saw me 

I was in the kind of pain that you can't get comfortable no matter what way you sit or lie

A while later

I asked for some more pain relief 

Cue more morphine

At one point 

I heard the nurses talking about me

That I had a bed in one of the wards 

And shortly after that 

I was moved up to a ward 

I was glad to get here 

As I felt I could relax a little 

And settle down for the night

I'm in a ward with mainly elderly ladies

The woman in the bed beside me has been non stop talking since I arrived 

She is obviously confused

And keeps trying to go home 

At the moment she is singing an unidentifiable song on repeat 

I'm a bit worried about my meds though

Because sometimes there can be an issue with the methadone

But I guess I'll worry about that tomorrow

Since coming to the ward

I've had two injections for the pain

But the pain persists 

And I generally feel exhausted and weary

I also saw the registrar last evening 

He said this bout could be because of my meds

Exacerbated by my ED

But they're not entirely sure yet 

So they are keeping me under observation

My mum left soon after I got settled on the ward

My sister had been looking after the dogs

They knew something was up yesterday

I guess they could sense the stress

It's now 6 30am

And I've just been woken up to have a new bag of fluids fitted

I'm fasting as of yesterday

And I am absolutely famished 

It's going to be torture watching everyone eating their breakfast 

But hopefully it won't be long until I can eat and drink

 

Last night was tough 

I was in a lot of pain

And even though I was wrecked

I couldn't sleep

It's not very comfortable twisting and turning with pain like that

So I asked for a sleeping pill 

Which the nurse got straight away

And about an hour later 

I fell asleep

I'm not sure what today brings 

Tests I'm guessing 

And a scan 

I'm sure my family will be up too

I just wanted to let you know where I'm at 

As I've had a couple of emails from people wondering am I ok

I am

Or at least I will be 

Sunday

I want to apologise for not always replying to comments recently 

I have to admit

Sometimes I am afraid to look at my comments

As i am afraid of getting nasty ones

I actually experience anxiety before checking comments 

Even though 99% of comments are lovely 

There's always that one horrible one that can overshadow everything else

I'm also struggling to reply to comments 

As I am finding things tough at the moment 

I know I haven't been writing a lot of personal posts recently 

Because I feel like a bit of a fraud 

I'm supposed to be in recovery 

I'm supposed to be doing well 

Yet 

Every day I struggle 

Every day I weigh myself 

And every day for the last few weeks I've lost weight 

God forgive me

I am getting a buzz out of seeing the numbers go down

It's a sick sick game 

But oh so addictive 

The last time I saw Breda

She spoke about widening my circle

And doing more 

And I am struggling massively with this

I've pulled away from my friends 

All bar one 

Who I still meet every couple of weeks 

But apart from that 

And looking after my dogs 

I don't actually do very much 

I know I need to fill my days 

Get out and meet people 

Have a purpose 

I gets its a choice

Choose the ED and live a lonely miserable life

With no friends 

No job 

No college 

No dogs because I can't look after them 

No life 

Nothing but me and my childlike body for company 

Or else I could choose recovery 

And choose life 

Yes, life is scary

It's tough 

Boring 

Overwhelming 

But it's also exciting 

Fun 

Enjoyable 

With recovery 

I get to live the life I want to live

I have my loved ones around me

Family 

Friends 

Dogs 

I study

I work 

I exercise 

I enjoy my food 

And am not in a constant battle with myself over food, weight and body image

You would think that this is a no brainer

That most sane people would choose the latter 

But since when have I been sane?

I feel the pull of my ED 

I hear her whispering in my ear

All of things that will improve if I lose weight 

I can't lie 

It's so very tempting 

She is convincing 

And I have little resistance 

If I keep going the way I am

I'm going to be underweight very soon 

But the thing is 

I have reached the goal I set myself 

And in fact gone beyond it

That should be enough right?

Maybe for a 'normal' non eating disordered person

For us

The goal posts constantly shift

Anorexia will push you as far as it possibly can

To your very limits 

Until something gives

Your body or your mind 

I have no doubt that my ED wAnts me dead 

That is her goal

To either starve myself to death 

Die of a heart attack

Or tAke a handful of pills 

The ultimate sacrifice 

Having said all that 

I'm not about to throw my recovery and my life away 

I've worked too hard to get through my issues 

And I didn't come through heroin addiction just to be killed by my ED 

I have thought about sharing my weight here on my blog 

But have decided against it

I've never shared my weight here 

I just don't think it's relevant 

And I know we have a tenancy to zone in on the numbers 

And compare their weight

So in an effort to avoid that 

I won't be posting my weight 

Another reason things are tough at the moment 

Is that my sister is battling a very nasty bout of depression

And is feeling really low these days 

Its a bit of an eye opener to be on the other side of mental illness 

I'm so used to being the patient 

The one that needs the help

So to actually be the onlooker is really difficult 

My sister is quiet

Withdrawn 

Very upset at times 

And feeling quite hopeless 

It's so hard to know what to say to someone 

How to help 

My strategy to help her

Is to make her laugh

As I genuinely believe that laughter is medicine for the soul 

I give her hugs

Sit on her bed and just chat

She comes for walks with me sometimes 

But 

It's obvious that she is really struggling

It's really  sad to witness 

And my mother and I feel so helpless

And useless 

I wish there was more we could go to help 

All we can do is be there 

Make sure she is ok

That she is warm

Eating ok

The dogs are really good with her 

They sit by her 

Rest their heads on her knee

It's like they know 

And they probably do 

I've never witnessed or lived with someone who has chronic depression 

Well I did when I was in hospital 

The people who were really low rarely came out of their rooms

Only venturing out to the smoking room every once and a while 

I remember one guy in particular 

We spoke while chain smoking 

Sitting on the window sill 

Blowing smoke rings back and forth

This guy was in the depths of despair 

Like he had completely given up

He wore the same clothes day in day out 

And there was quite a smell off him

He just couldn't muster the energy to have a shower 

He didn't see the point 

Didn't see the point of anything 

I've experience low mood before 

But I can't say that I've been clinically depressed 

I do worry for my sister 

I know she that she is trying to fight it 

And it's taking every single ounce of energy out of her 

Anyway 

I just wanted to explain my situation at the moment 

I guess there comes a time when real life needs me more than my virtual life

And that's ok

I am ok

and my sister is ok

At least we will be...

Saturday

I was supposed to be getting my next piercing done this week

But the girl I went to last time is away

And won't be back until mid January 

There are a couple of others near by

But they don't come highly recommended

And they don't use titanium

So I think my best bet is to hold on for the person I know to come back

Annoying 

But necessary

Especially given that I have absolutely no patience 

And want everything yesterday 

I was texting a girlfriend from school yesterday

She has had a myriad of piercings in her time 

Including all over her ears and face

Both nipples 

And down below!

I was asking her where she gets them done 

She said she had some done in Dublin

But a few of them she did herself 

I was blown away by this 

But she said she really enjoyed doing them

Of course my next questions was how todo it

She sent a brief text that involved a sterilised needle, ice, gloves and a clean towel 

I was fascinated 

So when we finished texting 

I decided to do a little research on line

And of course 

There are many many home videos on YouTube 

Showing how to pierce various pars of your body

As well

As detailed explanations on Google

I read through a few 

And I actually did consider it 

Yes 

I am one of those slightly crazy people who thinks piercing yourself from the comfort of your own home is a good idea

So I consulted my sister

Who is always the voice of reason

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I would be absolutely mental to do that 

And I let her talk me out of it

Part of me was relieved 

As I can imagine that it hurts like a mother....

But

I guess it gives me time to think about what to get done next 

As I'm not really sure at the moment 

I'm trying to decide between my lip

My septum

Or Medusa 

As you know 

I live my life on the verge of impulse

And often make silly decisions based on that 

So I will be a responsible adult 

And think my decisions through

Albeit being forced in to it....

Less than two weeks until Chritsmas kids!

All my cards have been posted 

The house is decorated 

The Christmas cake is maturing 

And we feed it with sherry every week

The turkey is ordered 

The shopping will soon be done 

And all I have to get is my Christmas gift for my sister 

I am looking forward to a quiet family Christmas 

No fuss 

No stress 

Just good old fashioned fun

Sans alcohol of course 

But I was wondering about you? 

Do you celebrate Christmas? 

How?

Who will you celebrate with?

Do you have any Christmas traditions?

Maybe you don't like the holidays

How do you get through?

Answers on a postcard please.....

By the way

I didn't reply to comments yesterday as I didn't read them after the first one 

Which was accusing me of driving illegally 

I'm done done replying to these comments 

And even though it's not an anonymous comment

It might as well be

When I crashed my car

That was years ago 

It's in the past 

Yes, I made some stupid mistakes when I was using 

But the clue is in the fact that I was using 

I wasn't in the right frame of mind 

Do I regret my actions from back then?

Yes

Can I change them? 

No 

So I do my best to learn the lesson and move on 

That's all I can do 

Cathartic.co

I was recently contacted by a lady called Sophie Burton

Who runs a site called Cathartic.co

It's a site where peoe can share their stories anonymously 

Help themselves

And help others too

Sophie interviewed me for the site 

And below is the link

Hope you enjoy.....

https://cathartic.co/viewblog.php?bid=18

Christmas survival kit!

Christmas is fast approaching

I swear I blinked and this whole year went by

For me

Christmas is a double edged sword

Part of me loves it

The lights

The atmosphere

The Christmas spirit

Wrapping up in woolly clothes

Snuggling up beside the fire

Going for walks in the crisp winter air

But like a lot of people 

I can really struggle with the holiday too

They don't call it the silly season for nothing 

Christmas in this country seems to be about two things

Alcohol

And food 

Both of which I have issues with 

I remember back to my teens and early twenties 

Christmas was all about the pub

I can remember going to the pub after school

Changing out of my uniform in the bathroom

On a Friday the pub staff ordered boxes of chicken wings for the punters 

Oh to be able to eat chicken wings without my ED in my head

Still

I can get nostalgic around this time of year 

And there is nothing more Christmassy than a hot toddy

Or a glass of brandy

Unfortunately 

I just can't drink 

And neither do most of my family 

Now a days we have a strictly alcohol free house for the holidays 

We have learned the hard way that my family and alcohol just do not mix

I can remember growing up

Drinks 

Followed by dinner

Followed by more drinks

Followed by huge family argument

No 

No drink is worth the peace of mind that we have now

So 

How do we get through the holidays 

Stay sane 

And not harm ourselves or anyone else?

Well

It's tricky 

Christmas time often means spending much time with family and people you don't usually see from one end of the year to the other 

It means being cooped up inside for 24 hours straight 

Putting on a happy face when you unwrap your gifts and see that auntie Margaret has given you lavender soap yet again 

It means eating to the point that you feel

Positively ill

Watching the Christmas movie

And promptly falling asleep on the couch

While your nephew draws on your face

Try not to let the idea of Christmas dictate the days and weeks leading up to it

And try not to anticipate what the day itself will be like 

For the eating disordered 

Christmas can be tough 

The build up to the holidays

Being out of your usual routine

All the emphasis on food and drink

The socialising 

Expectations for the perfect day can all contribute to stress, pressure and anxiety

And things generally being out of sorts for a couple of weeks 

I guess the first thing to do is not to panic 

Take deep breathes 

And remember that Christmas is just one day 

24 hours 

Our routine may be all over the place

But one day is manageable 

We can get through it

For me 

It's important to stay busy 

I usually bring the dogs to the beach on Christmas morning

And watch the charity swim

Then I go to mass with some of my family 

Get home

And get stuck in to helping with the dinner

Staying busy gives me less chance for my mind to wander and become anxious 

I know it seems like food is everywhere at this time of year 

But remember 

If you eat more than usual on the day

It's ok 

In fact it's normal 

Everyone does it 

So don't panic 

Don't beat yourself up

It's completely natural to eat a little bit extra sometimes 

Everything in moderation

Including moderation 

The thing I find the toughest about Christmas is all the socialising 

Our house is the main focus of our family

So there are a lot of visitors over the holidays 

A constant stream of people in and out

Actually

It's more the thought of all this activity

When it's actually happening 

It's not too bad 

It's more the thoughts of it

And the anxiety that goes with that

Over Christmas 

It's important to remember to look after yourself

To be kind to yourself 

And not to put yourself under too much pressure 

Do what you feel you can do 

Be that a little or a lot 

No one expects you to be Wonder Woman

Although we seem to expect that of ourselves 

Also 

Take some time out for yourself if you need to

Take half an hour on your own to recharge your batteries 

Meditate 

Practise mindfulness

Or get out for a walk 

To clear your head 

And take a breath

Listen to music 

Read a book

Something I have to be wary of 

Is all or nothing thinking

Eating none of the food

Or all of the food 

Thinking because one thing goes wrong

Everything is ruined 

One good idea 

Is to have a buddy on stand by 

Someone you can give a quick ring of things become too much 

You can also be someone else's buddy 

Having a voice of reason

To bring you back down to earth can be invaluable 

Of course support is a two way thing

So both of you will benefit 

Be mindful of isolating over the holidays 

Stay in touch with your supports 

Beware of all or nothing thinking that leads to unrealistic and rigid expectations

It's about listening to you and your body 

And knowing that it's ok to have what you want 

Remembering that it is just one day and nothing awful will happen if you change the rules

Reminding yourself thdt Christmas is not only about food

Food is just one part of it

And may need some planning to work for you 

With all that said

Remember it's Christmas

It's to be enjoyed 

Yes, we will struggle 

And our EDs often don't want us to enjoy ourselves 

Especially around anorexia 

It's all about being strict and regimented 

And punishment can feature too

Because you know what guys?

We are far too hard on ourselves

We are the first ones to bring ourselves down 

We bully ourselves 

Verbally and physically

We deserve a break

We deserve to enjoy our Christmas 

In whatever form that may take 

God knows we are dealing with enough every other day of the year

Eating disorders 

Mental illness 

Addiction 

Self harm

We deserve at least one day to relax

To enjoy ourselves 

Whether you are in the midst of your illness

Or embarking on recovery 

We all deserve to smile

To laugh 

To throw some shapes on the dance floor 

To let our hair down

Because when else can we get the chance to do that?

So

I wish you and yours

A very happy and peaceful Christmas

I hope you get to spend time with the ones you Iove

Hold them close

Hug them tight

Cherish every moment with them

Because they are the ones that matter

They are the ones who hold our hands

Who pick up the pieces when it all falls apart

This year I  especially grateful to have my family around me

With everyone in good health 

We have much to celebrate this year

I hope you do too...